Adult siblings who turn a blind eye to the scapegoat’s abuse

For obvious reasons, scapegoated adult children unfortunately make up a large percentage of the narcissistic abuse community. The abuse of the scapegoat is not committed solely by one perpetrator, but by many. More often than not, each member of the scapegoated child’s immediate family behaves abusively towards them in one way, or another; both, in childhood, and adulthood.

Why? Because they can. The scapegoated child has been earmarked for abuse by the narcissist. In the mind of the narcissist, the scapegoat is a fundamentally flawed individual, and a faulty appliance. They just do not understand why the scapegoat continues to challenge their authority, and won’t allow themselves to be controlled.

The scapegoated child’s siblings have been brainwashed into believing the narcissist’s faulty perception of this child. These siblings are trained by the narcissistic parent to peck peck peck at the scapegoated child, to pick them to bits, and to hold their sins under a microscope.

In all of this chaos, nobody nurtures the scapegoat. Scapegoats’ endure a horrendous amount of abuse. So much so, they often come out of the narcissistic family with a crushed spirit, and internal wounds so horrendous that they often struggle terribly in their adult life. Once all is said and done, scapegoated children almost always end up playing out the same relationship dynamic they did with their abusive parent, with narcissistic friends and narcissistic partners.

It doesn’t stop there. Once adulthood arrives, scapegoat victims almost always continue to be victimised and blamed for all of the chaos in the narcissistic family unit. More often than not, they end up being victim’s of family mobbing, are forced out of the family, and decide to go ‘No Contact’.

The narcissistic parent teaches the children early on that everything about the scapegoat is wrong, and that they are crazy. The scapegoat’s siblings subconsciously take on this false perception, and look down upon the scapegoat for the same sins they themselves engage in daily. These sins are picked to bits, and are often the presenting reason as to why a narcissistic parent, and a narcissistic golden child often will turn the entire family against the scapegoat in adulthood.

Do the adult children know the narcissist has treated the scapegoat child differently in childhood?

Yes, a lot of the time they do. It is not uncommon for adult children to clarify with the scapegoated child that they know they have been treated differently by the narcissistic parent in childhood. However, this knowledge alone doesn’t stop the same adult children from discrediting the scapegoat, and isolating them from the rest of the family.

Mind control is in full force

Mind control, and brainwashing are the tactics utilised by the narcissistic parent to turn the other siblings against the scapegoated child. The siblings engaging in this behaviour often aren’t even aware of what they are doing.

The sibling who knows

A core theme in the narcissistic abuse community is ‘the sibling who knows.’ A lot of abuse survivors claim that sometimes other siblings, or a sibling within the narcissistic family unit admits that they know that family scapegoating, bullying, and cruelty runs rampant in the family.

Scapegoated adult children often become very distressed when they realise that even the sibling who claims to have their back, often turns their back on the scapegoated adult child. To put it plain and simple, the scapegoat realises that none of the siblings’ (including the sibling who knows) have any loyalty. Its tribal mentality.

The reality of the narcissistic family unit

Unfortunately, the harsh reality about the narcissistic family unit is that every single member in the family unit is sick. That may be a hard pill to swallow – but, it is true. You won’t find consciousness in an unconscious environment. Everybody in the narcissistic environment is unconscious. This is the reason why so much abuse takes place, and siblings sell each other down the river. The survival of the fittest mentality runs rampant throughout the narcissistic family unit. Being a truth – teller is playing a moral game. People with strong morals aren’t welcome in this family.

The scapegoat child is the first to enter therapy

The scapegoated adult – child has the highest success rate out of each of the family members when it comes to becoming emotional healthy. They are usually the first to go into therapy, and the first to begin the life long journey to recovery from severe emotional abuse. However, its a catch twenty two for the scapegoat; because once they go into therapy and sort through their internal wounding, they slowly but surely begin to outgrow the family anyway, finally begin to see just how sick their entire family actually is, and are reminded just how they sick they were too, before they entered therapy and awakened. After years in therapy, the recovering scapegoat literally feels like a stranger in a foreign country when around their family.

The scapegoat awakens and suddenly realises that their is no consciousness in this family unit.

The scapegoat will never lose their role

Scapegoated adult children never lose their role that the family has bestowed upon them. It doesn’t matter how well they become, or what they achieve, they will never be good enough for this family. Their sins will always be held under a microscope, while the other family members continue to get away with murder. Eventually, the scapegoat often ends up being the victim of family mobbing, and has no choice but to go ‘No Contact’ with the entire family.

Nobody stands up for the scapegoated family member

It is more common than not that a ‘more awake sibling’ within the family unit will know about your abuse.

Will they stand up for you? Probably not.

When push comes to shove, the sibling who knows about your abuse, also knows that by standing up for you, there is a lot to lose. In an extremely malignant family system, raising your hand, and pulling up a narcissist will see you thrown out of the family. Its the name of the game. If you challenge the narcissistic illusion, the narcissist will smash the mirror, and you will have to go. So, this person is not going to stand up for you.

Very often, asking for a family member to stand up for you, to acknowledge your pain, and to validate just how serious, and life threatening ‘family mobbing’ is, is not going to happen. This is a toxic family unit, where people want what they want. If thats money, and friendship from other family members who can’t handle any criticism, or take responsibility for their behaviour, than unfortunately, your mental health is going to take a beating while you stand on the sidelines and watch your sibling, who you thought had your back, literally walk away from you once you challenge them on their inability to stand for the truth.

This sibling does not have the empathy required to put themselves in someone else’s shoes, and to at least try to identify with the scapegoat’s feelings of horror. This sibling doesn’t have the ability to even try to begin to understand what it would feel like to have your whole sense of self attacked, smeared, shamed, ostracised and trash talked. Narcissistic abuse is an attack on the spirit, the soul, and the body. A sibling in support of you would need a huge amount of empathy to feel the pain which comes from an attack on the soul. They don’t have it. They can’t do it.

Does this sibling care about me?

No. If a sibling can’t stand up for their sibling in a situation as emotionally dangerous, and disgusting as family mobbing, when they know that bullying causes suicide; than no, they don’t care about you.

There is a lot of information about the cluster B family system on the website ‘flying monkey’s denied.’ Unfortunately, this issue with siblings’ not wanting to back one another is very common. What you need to look at here is the entire family unit, and the leaders in the family unit. All of the children in your family come from the same parents. Of course this was going to happen.

This sibling is not your friend. Yes, they know what happened to you. They have probably spent hours talking to you about it, and have empathised with you – but actions speak louder than words. More often than not if the actions don’t match the words, than you may be dealing with a narcissistically inclined sibling that is just telling you what you want to hear.

They are very much a part of the scapegoating of you. They keep you in this role because of what they won’t say.

Rose’s story

In 2001, Rose became a victim of family mobbing. She has a sibling, a younger brother, who knew just how abusive Rose’s family really was. Rose’s brother also knew months before the act of family mobbing took place, that Rose was being smeared behind her back by a narcissistic parent, and golden child sibling.

Rose’s younger brother knew that Rose had been targeted before. He had empathised with Rose before – and Rose honestly believed that he was her ally.

Rose’s golden child sibling suddenly decided that Rose should be ostracised from the family. Again, Rose’s brother knew about it; and instead of standing up for her, he decided to go to some of the family events that he knew Rose hadn’t been told about, because Rose’s golden child sibling had decided that Rose wasn’t allowed to go.

After some months, Rose’s brother walked Rose into a dangerous situation which he knew would most likely result in family mobbing. Rose was attacked verbally by her physically violent family member.

Later on down the track, Rose’s brother told her that he knew what was being planned, and he knew she was being scapegoated. It came out that he didn’t want to stand up for Rose, because he was trying to get along with everybody in the family, and to nurture those relationships. He told her that he didn’t want to become involved.

When Rose asked him if he could stand up for her, he told her directly that he didn’t want to thrown out of the family, because he was worried he’d be left out of the will. He turned the entire situation around, and told Rose that she was being controlling and self-serving. He even accused her of asking him to choose between herself and the family that had bullied her. Rose realised that her brother is not who she thought he was, and was never her ally. She describes him as more of a frenemie. Rose picked up quite quickly that her younger brother has a complete lack of empathy, and an unwillingness to recognise or identify with the needs and feelings of others.

Rose’s brother stopped talking to her after this conversation, and Rose now has no family support. Whether Rose’s brother realises it or not, he is now very much apart of Rose’s abuse – and is more karmically liable than Rose’s brainwashed siblings’ who have no idea that they have been used as pawns to attack Rose. He knows about the narcissistic family dynamics, still communicates with the family members that abused Rose as though nothing has happened – and couldn’t even have the decency enough to even stand up for his sister.

Every time he listens to the smear campaign behind Rose’s back, and refuses to correct the family members when they blame Rose for things that are not Rose’s fault – he lets Rose down, and aids the family in their abuse of Rose.

This sibling is not your friend

The scapegoated family member has to accept that this relationship is toxic as well. They won’t get anywhere here, because there is nowhere to move in a relationship when someone clearly in the wrong will not admit that they are in the wrong. It is very likely that a sibling that tells you what you want to hear, only to betray you so terribly, is narcissistic as well.

Emotionally healthy people can accept when they are wrong, have no problem admitting when they are in the wrong, and don’t see apologising to somebody as a threat to their ego.

Any person who justifies their own immoral behaviour by turning a situation around to make you wrong because you wanted them to strengthen your voice, with their voice; so as to lesson excruciating emotional pain incurred from family bullying, is a troubled person, and they can’t read their room very well.

Somebody who truly loves their sibling would not be able to hold their tongue about the abuse hurled upon their beloved sibling. They would be so furious with the abuser’s who almost pushed their sibling over the edge, that you wouldn’t be able to stop them from supporting you. Thats what true friends do. Frenemies on the other hand, don’t. The narcissistic family is full of frenemies.








  1. MyShellyBell | 4th Jan 18

    A very good descriptive article. My sister was that scapegoat within the family…as a child I stood up for her as much as I could without understanding why all this happened….she was a victim of neglect, verbal abuse and bullying…the hard part of this is she died at the age of 63 this past year and her life was one constant struggle….all the abuse she took as a child played a part in every aspect of her adult life….she was a wife, mother and grandmother….but she could not fight off the effects of that abuse….
    She was employed until she became physically disabled at the age of 30…prior to that she was left by her husband when she was pregnant with her third child….she worked hard to keep it all together as a single mother…but she developed RSL in both arms and legs after she was operated on for carpal tunnel in BOTH wrist…it lead to pain killers that destroyed everything she had worked so hard to protect….she did not come back to herself after that…it was a downhill slide…
    I did try to help her but I was not aware of just how strong the drugs took hold of her and how it was not easy to come off…she was put on opiods for pain control and it worked wonders until the need grew and grew….even than I could not understand ……it is now that I know she did the best she could under the circumstances and I wish I could have helped her more….she died in a tent in DC after spending a number of years on and off the streets…
    I know in my heart I did the best I could for standing up for her and helping her…but she left behind three boys that are men who have anger and drug issues….it was hard to bring up teenagers when she herself was addicted and had lack of help of a good support system….what has me so upset now….. is that my two brothers feel she made all wrong choices and that my parents had no effect on her since they themselves turned out to be successful in life….
    They both are college educated ….plus I want to mention they were the golden boys while my sister and I were considered not so golden…..but she had it worse than me……I was not treat to this behavior from my mom…I loved my mom and felt her love for me but my mom showed no love for my sister…
    A number of years ago I found out through my mom (my dad said it was true and my mom would not forget) that she was forced to have sex with my dad and told her body was going to be punished and that resulted in my sister’s birth…ugly just plain ugly…I was told to keep my mouth closed from my brothers who felt my mom was not thinking straight by saying that …of course my dad’s comment to me was than changed and he denied ever saying it….oh he said it and my mom was of sane mind when she told me…
    Both my mom and dad died a few years ago and my sister did not make it for the funerals because she was not emotionally nor physically and certainly not financially capable of attending their funerals…my brothers had no compassion on her at all and called her a drug addict ….this hurt my sister very bad…yes she was addicted but there was a lot of factors causing her not to attend…
    When my sister died last year I was told she should have made better choices in her life once again….of course the choices of my parents were never address…… .I am so angry with them that it is hard to just keep peace…..I have been in therapy for years because of the family thing I learned…. once a golden child(s) is a golden child(s) it is hard for them to see otherwise especially if they themselves are successful …my one brother is a psychologist who is spokesman to my other brother….of course I have no problem defending my sister and will continue to my dying day……thank you for lending an ear..

    • Parenting Exposed | 11th Jan 18

      That’s a very sad story! But good on you for standing by your sister….that’s very admirable. The lack of compassion in these families can be devastating. Thankyou for sharing your story. It helps others to hear that they are not alone.

  2. Wallace Howe | 7th Apr 18

    Thanks you so much……. finally after so many years of searching, I finally found your article which perfectly validated my own experience after 18 years of NC with my Narcissistic Family. Your article was very well done, fair, kind and thoughtful. Sibling abuse of the family scapegoat after NC seems to just now getting the attention it deserves. “The Dynamics of N family systems, guide for the Truth-Sayers” – would make a great book. All toxic/hate groups do exactly the same thing of course, always on the hunt for the next scapegoat. Keep up the great work in our struggle for Truth, Justice and Healing. I will certainly start following your posts. Have a great weekend. Best wishes and kind thoughts……………..

    • Parenting Exposed | 9th Apr 18

      Wow Wallace. 18 years of no contact. That is amazing, and gives me hope. Yes, there are so many scapegoats coming out of the woodwork now and talking about these terrible dynamics that go on in these families. That would be a great title for a book. The narcissistic family is just another toxic hate group I guess. Take care Wallace, and thankyou for your lovely comments. Billie

  3. myshellybell | 10th Apr 18

    Hi Wallace! I was not the scapegoat but my sister was…. It is close to a year that my sister passed away..just recently my nephew age 42 (my sister’s son) was found dead …this is very sad for my two nephews that still grieve over their mothers’s passing…..

    I still feel very sad for all she and her family had to go thru… it has been one big struggle….my nephews (my sister’s children) have been subjected to the family as being the black sheep….I stand up for them constantly.

    I can’t seem to grasp why family members don’t see the cruelty for what it is….instead they place any meanness or bullying as being justified at that time…….I just don’t get it….going to church or being educated seems to mean nothing if you don’t want to HEAR or SEE what is happening.

    May I ask you a question or a few….you choose to have NC with the family…did the family ever reach out to you….did you distance yourself by moving away or closing that chapter of your life for good….are you stronger now for all that you went thru….thank you for sharing!

Leave A Comment

Leave a Reply