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Browsing Tag: triangulation

No triangulation here thanks

Triangulation is defined as indirect communication where one person (usually the narcissist) acts as a messenger between two others, often fabricating the message to suit the talebearer’s objective. Triangulation is commonly used by narcissists’, and it ties in with gas lighting and projection. In narcissistic families the narcissist will avoid discussing any issues they have with a targeted individual in the family unit. Instead, they will communicate with a third family member, or a few family members at one time, in regard to a problem, which normal healthy adults would be able to resolve by themselves without involving other people. The narcissist’s minions often feel compelled to become a part of the triangle in a bid to resolve the narcissist’s problems with targeted individuals. Usually, this solution to the problem ends in triangulation, anger and passive aggression.

The personality disordered mother or father is without an interpersonal tool box. They do not know how to resolve conflict, do not want to resolve conflict, enjoy drama, and will often create drama by deliberately becoming upset over trivial things which normal people simply do not become upset about. Vengeance will often be taken out against a target (which is usually one of the narcissist’s children) for trivial slights, via triangulation.

In normal families the parents act as leaders. They do not involve other people in their problems, and they deal with any problems they have with their children directly. Healthy parents do not discuss issues they have with one child, with the other children in the family. Healthy parents want their children to grow into assertive, authentic human beings who know how to handle problems head on without involving friends or family in their issues with other people.

How does the narcissistic family handle conflict?

The narcissist is no stranger to divide and conquer. With this strategy, the narcissist will sow seeds of instability between the family members, in the hope of creating havoc, and to eventually turn the entire family against a target of choice (usually the scapegoat). For this strategy to work, the narcissist must share information, or mean spirited comments (real or not), that the target has mentioned in confidence to the narcissist about their siblings. The narcissist thrives on telling each sibling how unhappy their other siblings are with them.

The narcissist uses divide and conquer day in, day out to create conflict. The narcissist is constantly twisting the words of their allies around to suit their own agenda, in the hope of emotionally harming their target. There is always a slither of truth added to the lies the narcissist tells each individual party that the other party has said about them.

Question: What happens in family situations where there is divide and conquer?

Answer: If all of the siblings feel offended by the target’s mean words, they will feel more compelled to triangulate against the target, in the hope of resolving what is now a family problem with the target.

In the narcissist’s mind, they honestly believe that if they can secure allies’ against another family member, than this family member will have no choice but to become submissive to the narcissist, and behave as the narcissist would like them to.

  • Why does the narcissist involve everybody in their problems?

The narcissist doesn’t want to solve their problems directly with the many people they have a problem with. To do so would be to resolve the problem, and narcissist’s do not want to resolve problems. Instead, a narcissist will often create a problem with one of their children, the next door neighbour, or the enabling parent, just to gain attention, adoration, and sympathy from their many allies’. The narcissist feigns victimhood so well, and the narcissist’s allies’ (who are under the spell of mind control, and honestly believe they are helping) often take the problem on as though its their own, and try to fix the problem for the narcissist.

If one sibling can make the other sibling behave appropriately, (usually through aggression or anger) than the narcissist will be happy. However, all that happens here is that the attacked sibling, or enabling parent simply becomes resentful of the narcissist’s ally (usually a brother or sister, or son or daughter) because they have become involved in something that has absolutely nothing to do with them.

  • To gossip or not to gossip?

The narcissist’s children learn from the narcissist first hand, that the only way to handle a problem with a sibling, or parent is to gossip about this person to another family member, and to try to draw this person into the triangle.

Over time, the gossip spread about each family member behind their backs, is fed back to them through another family member. This becomes the family’s pattern of communication. Confrontation becomes something to be afraid of, which of course, results in a fear based system of communication. This fear based system of communication becomes the catalyst for passive aggressive communication which results in rage.

Where does the problem lie? 

The narcissist has the emotional capacity of a three year old, which means that the leader in this family leads the children down the garden path, and ends up passing skills down to their children which will destroy the children’s future relationships. The ‘leader’ in this family is nothing more than a perpetrator, which is why this family often falls apart.

What is the problem with indirectness? Tools of the unskilled

  • A lack of assertion

Indirect communication between family members often leads to resentment and discontent in the narcissist’s children. When siblings find out indirectly about a problem another family member has with them through a ‘Chinese whispers’ type style of communication, the affected family member feels hurt, which is often the reason why relationships between siblings often fizzle out. Triangulation makes the narcissistic family unit an unpredictable, and frightening place to be.

Many adult children of narcissist’s eventually grow tired of the chaos that triangulation causes. They eventually realise that they cannot solve the narcissist’s problems, become tired of their own part in the dysfunction, and often walk away from an entire family, deciding that they will no longer have triangulation in their lives.

  • Poor modelling

The narcissistic family’s values and belief systems are topsy turvy. In the narcissistic family set up, the children quickly learn that it is not ok to put up boundaries, behave assertively, or to resolve a problem through direct communication. Yet it is ok triangulate against loved ones, including friends and family.

It is very likely that at least one of the narcissist’s children will take on some of the trouble making behaviours passed down from the narcissist.

Venting or triangulation?

Venting to a trusted friend about an issue with another person can be very helpful, if the intent is to gain advice about resolving the problem. This is a very effective way of handling conflict resolution, and will often lead to the person enquiring, to take their friends advice, and to use it to help to resolve an ongoing problem.

However, involving other people in your problem with another person in the hope that this person will take on the problem and try to resolve it for you is called triangulation, and is one of the narcissist’s favourite tactics.

Confrontation in the narcissistic family

Confrontation is a big no no in the narcissistic family system. The narcissist’s anxiety ridden, petrified children become immune to triangulation, and will often resort to this learned behaviour through fear of confrontation. However, instead of resolving the problem, this fear of confrontation perpetuates the problem and exacerbates the issue even further.

  • What are the consequences of confronting a narcissist?

When confronted, narcissist’s can become verbally or physically aggressive, may turn against the victim by implementing allies, and will most likely use the silent treatment to pay the victim back.

The assertive child, teenager, or adult child of the narcissist who dares to assert their needs, says no to the narcissist about an agreed upon arrangement, or challenges the narcissist’s poor behaviour will most definitely be shamed. Authentic children who speak their mind are the narcissist’s biggest fear. Hence, the reason why authentic children are almost always scapegoated, and emotionally crushed beyond belief.

The rule of thumb in this family is that you never ever confront anybody in this family unit. Children in the narcissistic family do not come out unscathed, and often suffer with some big emotional issues of their own. After all, these children have spent their entire childhoods with a narcissistic parent who exhibits a complete lack of accountability, a sense of entitlement, and who refuses at all costs to be wrong. Often the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, and the narcissist’s non-narcissistic children often struggle with some of these issues in adulthood themselves.

Damned if you do and damned if you don’t

Children of narcissist’s often hand over their power, back down, and accept mistreatment, in order to stay safe from potentially harmful caregivers, or an angry, aggressive golden child.

However, the problem with backing down, and forgoing the right to assert ones needs is that this ‘child like survival mechanism’ is merely a temporary solution to a very big problem. Not discussing problems with the person concerned, and turning on them instead through triangulation is like stepping on a grenade. Inappropriate aggression, venting, and resentment from the narcissist’s minions towards those triangulated against, is the consequence of an innate fear of confrontation.

Adult children of narcissist’s often refuse to assert themselves around their peers through fear that the people they associate with will react to their assertiveness with the same outrageous response the narcissistic parent once did.

Triangulation tactics

  • To kill two birds with one stone: To obtain control, attention or adulation, narcissists’ will often inform child number one that they are a bad child, and that their sibling, child number two, is being really good this week. The next week the same parent will tell child number one that they are just so well behaved and their sibling, child number two, is such a bad kid. This idea of adding a third party to the relationship, which is now a triangle, kills two birds with one stone. Firstly, it stirs up feelings of jealousy and insecurity in both children, and subtly warns each child that they are replaceable. Instinctively, both children begin to resent one another, and will try harder to please the narcissist so as to not be replaced. It creates a delusion of rivalry, both of which fill the narcissist with narcissistic supply, adulation and control.
  • Recruiting reinforcements: One of the ways narcissists’ use triangulation to manipulate their children, or the enabling parent into siding with their point of view, is by using a third party to reinforce the narcissist’s opinions. This is an extreme form of bullying. The third party involved doesn’t realise that the reason the narcissist is trying to get the opinion from an outsider, is so they can take the opinion, and twist it around, just so as they can serve it on a platter to one of their victims. What victim’s fail to forget when this is happening is that the narcissist hasn’t told the third party the truth. Usually, the narcissist’s third party is a biased relative who sees the narcissist with rose tinted glasses. This relative’s false perception of the narcissist will be used as a tool by the narcissist to help settle differences and coerce their children, the enabling parent, or anyone else into accepting their viewpoint through the use of persuasion, embarrassment, majority rules, or guilt.
  • Splitting:This method of triangulation involves pitting two children against each other.  The narcissist does this by smearing the character of one, or both people behind their backs. This enables the narcissist to preserve their false image and ensures they’re viewed positively amongst the triangle. In many instances the narcissist will portray themselves as the victim, who just so happens to have these terrible children that just cannot get along. This may happen if the narcissist realises that their scapegoat child can now see through their manipulation, game playing, hypocrisy and abuse.  The narcissist will react by planning a full-fledged smear campaign behind their back. So, by the time they discard the scapegoat child, the narcissist will have already turned the siblings, relatives, friends and family against the scapegoat.

Emotionally healthy families

In emotionally healthy families,  parent’s do not recruit third parties (the other siblings), or use messengers to help to settle their differences with their children. Instead, they have face to face discussions with their child, teenager, or adult child.

Emotionally healthy parent’s encourage their children to discuss their issues with one another openly and honestly. These parent’s do not gossip about their children behind their backs with the other children. Instead, they guide their children in conflict resolution.

 

 

 

Parental alienation in the family home

Alienating one’s husband or wife inside of the family home is a huge breach of trust, and can have a potentially devastating effect on the alienated parent, and the children. To talk about the mother or father of your children negatively, to pathologise the alienated parent’s behaviour, or to turn your children against the alienated parent, and then deny having ever conversed with the children about the alienated parent in the first place, is crazy-making behaviour.

Psychopaths, narcissists, and sociopaths are dangerous people. They destroy entire families, and people in numbers. Put a psychopath in a harmonious situation, and people will suddenly begin to hate one another. Psychopaths, narcissists and sociopaths have absolutely no empathy, a lack of emotion, and will cross their husband or wife, children, cousins’, brothers’ and sisters’ at the drop of a hat.

How does the alienating parent think?

In the mind of an alienating parent with a severe personality disorder, their family members are merely extensions of themselves. This means that they must believe, do or say, as the narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath believes, does or says. Without complete control over the entire family unit, the severely personality disordered parent feels dumbfounded, confused, and disorientated.

Narcissists must have all of the attention in the room, endless amounts of sympathy, and constant adoration from their partner and children. These people have a deeply ingrained desire to divide and conquer, and to triangulate against anybody who challenges them. Divide and conquer will ensure that this parent remains the victim at all times.

Alienating parents’ cannot share attention and adoration. In the mind of an alienating parent, the alienated parent is their biggest threat and overall competition.

The alienated parent’s lack of awareness

A lot of alienated parents’ don’t understand the extent to which they have been alienated by the other parent until they leave the family home. They know deep down that something is up, and often feel as though they don’t have the alienating parent’s full support. However, it is unlikely that they are fully aware of just how much their children have been brainwashed right underneath their noses.

Some alienated parents’ are so fooled by the personality disordered parent’s false persona, that they may not find out the real reason why their children have been disrespecting them so badly for so many years, until one of the children decides to expose the alienating parent twenty years down the track.

Why does the personality disordered parent alienate the other parent?

The psychopathic, narcissistic or sociopathic parental alienator cannot handle any criticism from anybody, including the alienated parent. They can dish it out, but they can’t take it. As soon as someone says one thing to the alienating parent, they truly cannot handle it and will turn everybody against their new target. Psychopaths’ must have complete control over the people they have relationships with.

In marriage and partnerships with a psychopath, solving problems is very difficult. If you have a problem with a personality disordered individual, you often become the problem.

The alienating parent will not own any of their bad behaviours. Everything is everybody else’s fault. Every time the alienating parent is asked to accept responsibility for their own behaviour, they will turn the situation back around onto the alienated parent.

The simplest of criticisms or signs of discontent from the alienated parent will threaten the alienating parent’s sense of self. The smallest criticism will leave the alienated parent confused, and facing a serious narcissistic injury. This will drive the narcissistic parent to compete with the other parent to prove that they are more superior, grand, and far more deserving of all of the love and attention in the room, than their inferior spouse, who they now see as unfit, and in need of lessons on how to be a parent.

Boredom and the psychopath:

Psychopaths’ will alienate for a number of reasons. Some of them do it because they are bored. Simple as that! They must feed off others emotions, and must invoke strong emotions in others for their own pleasure and mental stimulation.

The drama they create amongst all of the family members will give them a role to play. This role may be healer, protector, or good guy who has come in to save the day and resolve all of the fighting (which they have set up through tactics such as divide and conquer) between siblings, or mother and child; when in fact the opposite is true.

The psychopath sees the children as objects to use to abuse the kinder parent.

The family unit is the perfect arena for a psychopath. In the eyes of the psychopath, a family is a perfect place to set up their stage, and to begin the performances. As the director of the play, they will choose the actors’, the roles the actors’ will play, and the role they will play. The psychopath will play the martyr, victim, abused mother or father and mistreated soul. From now on the psychopath will never be without emotional food.

This quest for drama will ensure that the psychopath will idealise, devalue, and discard the alienated parent over and over again. When they are done with the parent, they will then start on the children.

The effects of parental alienation on the alienated parent and their children:

Parental alienation is a severe form of abuse that destroys children internally for a lifetime, as well as the alienated parent. Children are manipulated by their parent into mistreating the kinder parent. Their childhood is filled with drama and mistrust. They are used as pawns in a game. They have been lied to about the parent that they love, and their relationship with this parent may remain severely impacted well into adulthood.

The parental alienator is a selfish pathological liar, who would cut the children loose at the drop of a hat; especially if they expose the psychopath. Destroying other people’s relationships is a game to this parent.

The psychopath as master of illusion:

Prior to the relationship with the alienated parent, the psychopath will have preened and polished a false persona to their liking, by emulating the qualities of many, in the hope of pulling the persona off and hiding the monster underneath.  With this new persona, they will delude their new target, and manipulate their way into the life of their soon to be, mother or father of the future children.

With an incredible amount of self-control, the psychopath will temporarily paint over the cracks, in true master of illusion style. The psychopath will mirror the victim, and will begin to copy the victim’s kind empathetic nature, as a way to manipulate, and hoover in their victim.

Once the psychopath is married, the cracks in the paintwork will begin to show, and the faulty foundation will begin to crumble. The cognitively dissonant partner will suddenly see the red flags everywhere. However, they will most likely continue on in the relationship hoping that the psychopath will make some changes in regard to some huge character floors.

The psychopath’s carefully formulated false persona, their ability to change personalities quickly, and to temporarily emulate kindness, empathy, love, forgiveness and remorse, will keep this partner engaged in the relationship, and living in hope of change.

Common red flags of a severely personality disordered person: 

Narcissists sociopaths and psychopaths all have one thing in common. They must be superior to everybody in their company.

Nitpicking, bagging everybody out, raging, accusations that everyone else is crazy, no real relationships, and a long list of broken relationships is a dead give away that this person may one day be the same person who will portray their spouse as the primary problem in the family.

Psychopath as a pathological liar:

Every-time the alienated parent asks the psychopath if they have been talking about them to the children, they will deny the accusation. I have known of psychopaths who have stayed in denial even after one of their children has come forward and confirmed the alienated parent’s accusations.

Gas-lighting:

Gas-lighting is a form of manipulation through persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying in an attempt to destabilise the victim. Its intent is to sow seeds of doubt in the target hoping to make them question their own memory, perception, and sanity.

For example: The alienated parent will notice the considerable change in the children’s behaviour towards them, and may even sense that the alienating parent is causing trouble. However, they won’t be able to prove it, and may even begin to feel as though they are going crazy.

10 ways the alienating parent alienates the other parent?

Good cop, bad cop: Some psychopaths will play good cop, bad cop. They will want their children to see them as a good guy, the parent with no boundaries, the fun parent, and the parent who complains in front of the children that the alienated parent is too strict.

This parent will often pretend to be the more lenient, relaxed parent, who lets the children stay up late, doesn’t discipline the children, and doesn’t expect any respect from the children. This is all a part of the plan though and serves a purpose for when the psychopath decides to play the victim. This is when they will complain about what bad children they have, and just how out of control their children really are.

However, in the meantime, the children will be driven to think that the alienated parent is too strict, annoying, the problem in the family, and the reason they have rules and boundaries.

Swapping between ‘real self’ and ‘false self’ :

The psychopath’s false – self  comes out in front of the parent, and their real-self comes out in front of the children.

For example:  Psychopath tells alienated parent they are going to go into their teenager’s room to discuss the teenager’s disrespect of the alienated parent. Instead, the alienating parent goes into the bedroom and says:

‘You know your father has anger management issues, you need to learn to ignore him.’

It is through this form of parental alienation that the alienated parent will begin to feel as though they are going crazy.

By making the children feel sorry for them:

Severely personality disordered people want their children to feel sorry for them.

For example: If the alienated parent is upset with the psychopath for undermining them in front of their children, and speaks up about it in their own defence, the psychopath will suddenly feign victimhood, and put on a performance. Instead of apologising, resolving the problem, or taking any responsibility for their behaviour, they will use their body language to provoke a reaction from the children.

They may shrug their shoulders, or become silent and droopy. The psychopath will pull this trick out of the box daily; and in time the children will learn to interpret the alienating parent’s body language as the cue to intervene in the argument, and to stand up for the alienating parent.

Public humiliation in front of the children:

Example: Psychopath is about to get in the car and go surfing. Alienated parent asks the psychopath if they can look after the children instead, because the alienated parent has suddenly come down with a vomiting bug.

Parental alienator points at the parent and screams at the top of their lungs: ‘Look what your doing now. This is what you always do. You aren’t sick. Look kids, your mother isn’t sick.’ Looks around to make sure the kids are watching. ‘This is what your mother does when she doesn’t want me to go surfing. Are you watching kids? Take note.’ Psychopath rolls their eyes, and storms off, leaving the alienated parent to vomit for hours while the children are watching television.

Disagreeing with the alienated parent about issues to do with the children in front of the children:

Psychopathic types are renowned for starting arguments in front of the children, about the children. Instead of asking the alienated parent to come outside to discuss an issue which has arisen about the children, or a difference of opinion about the children, the parent will involve the child in the issue, or even defend the child’s inappropriate actions towards the alienated parent in front of the alienated parent.

 

Constant put downs of the alienated parent in front of the children:

‘You’re so paranoid.’

‘You really do have behavioural problems don’t you?’

‘Your anger is a number ten. You really do need to watch that.’

‘No wonder the children are frightened of you.’

‘Give you an inch and you’ll take a mile.’

‘Why do our children need to ask if they can eat some of your lollies?’

‘Why does she have to clean her room up now? Can’t you just relax?’

Shows the children personal messages from the other parent:

Parental alienators’ have no issue with showing the children private messages or emails between parents’, and they will deliberately leave the phone on speaker if the alienated parent is going to be slightly distressed on the phone.

Example: Alienated parent writes a text message to alienating parent:

‘Can you please hurry and come home. You said you would be  home in an hour, and that was three hours ago.’

The alienating parent will show the child the message, and claim that the alienated parent is being controlling and difficult.

Example: Alienated parent rings the alienating parent and is immediately placed on loud speaker so as the children can hear the conversation, unbeknown to the alienated parent.

Alienated parent says sternly: ‘I told you I have an appointment to go to and your running late. I have told you a thousand times over that i cannot be late.’

Alienating parent gets off the phone, rolls their eyes, looks really sad, and says to the children.

‘Did you hear how your father speaks to me.’

Alienated parent must not show any emotion: The alienated parent is picked to bits. They cannot raise their voice, cannot show anger, and is never allowed to be sad, hurt, or disgruntled about anything the psychopath does. If so, the alienating parent will inform the children that any emotion the alienated parent has is a sure sign of a character floored person. 

The behaviour of the child towards the alienated parent:

Children living in this environment often end up triangulating against the alienated parent, and will often claim that they have come to the conclusion on their own that there is something wrong with the alienated parent.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Should the scapegoat child trust the golden child?

 

Question: Why is it exactly that the scapegoat child cannot trust their golden child sibling? 

Answer: The golden child is committed to misunderstanding the scapegoat child, and in believing the smear campaign against them; the one full of lies.

What I am about to write about is not inclusive of every golden child. Some golden children do not exhibit any of the traits relating to this article and have the integrity enough to see right through the narcissist, tell the narcissist that they are in the wrong, and to stand by the scapegoat’s side. It is likely that if the golden child honours their scapegoated sibling in this way, (which is highly unusual) both children will be discarded from the family for having dared challenge the narcissist.

When I write about narcissism, I write about what I have witnessed happen in families where there is a narcissistic parent. The particular situation I am about to discuss runs rampant throughout narcissistic families’, and is more common than not.

My primary belief about the golden child (who forms a nasty alliance with the narcissist against the scapegoat) is that they are completely unaware of what they are doing and that they have been completely brainwashed by the narcissist. However, that being said, the golden child still makes an executive decision to aid the narcissist in their smear campaigns of the people who expose the narcissist, challenge the narcissist, or who simply have a difference of opinion from the narcissist.

Why does the golden child choose to side with the narcissist?

The narcissist lives and breathes to influence the golden child’s perception of the scapegoat. Through daily put-downs of the scapegoat, exaggerations, and half-truths about the scapegoat, the narcissist will gradually erode the golden child’s perception of their scapegoated sibling. At times mind control sessions will occur on an hourly basis (not daily, hourly).

As the scapegoat becomes older, more defiant and defensive against the abuse, the narcissist will begin to fear exposure, and will suddenly turn the tables on the scapegoat. This is when they will tell all kinds of outrageous lies about the scapegoat, and work especially hard to turn the golden child against their sibling.

By the time the scapegoat exposes the narcissist, the narcissist (who knew this was coming all along) has already pulled one over the scapegoat; and now nobody in the family will believe the scapegoat when they begin to the claim that there is something wrong with the family system.

A close relationship between the scapegoat and the golden child?

A close relationship between the scapegoat and golden child, will in fact, inevitably be destroyed by the narcissist. This will happen because the narcissist has been moulding the golden child’s perceptions of the scapegoat since birth. Eventually, the golden child will completely forfeit the close relationship they may have with the scapegoat (if they were ever close, to begin with), and will act out the narcissist’s contempt of the scapegoat through their body language, verbal language, and utter nastiness.

Any signs of anger or emotional confusion from the scapegoat about the treatment of them during the devaluation phase will be perceived by the narcissist and the golden child as symptoms of a severe mental health issue within the scapegoat; instead of a pretty normal reaction to vile abuse.

The narcissist’s intent is to push the scapegoat over the edge, so as all eyes are off them, and on the scapegoat instead. All of this happens because the scapegoat brings to the forefront the narcissist’s shortcomings.

The golden child’s relationship with the parent:

The golden child is bought by the narcissist, given the best of everything, and doted on daily. They are also continually groomed and hoovered by the parent, told just how entitled or special they are, and are reminded by the parent just how similar they are to them. We mustn’t forget that this child represents to the narcissist all of the goodness in them.

The narcissistic parent will encourage the other siblings’ to also adore the golden child too, to do everything for the golden child, and to love this child until no end.

This child is always right, never punished for harming the other siblings’, and their misdeeds are shoved under the carpet. All of their misdeeds are projected onto the scapegoat, and the scapegoat becomes the golden child’s fall guy early on in the piece.

The scapegoat’s relationship with the parent: 

The scapegoat is despised in childhood. Some theories suggest that the scapegoat is the whistleblower or the truth teller in the family. However, the narcissist will claim that this child is treated differently for obvious reasons. They have apparently always been a difficult child; while of course, the golden child wasn’t. However, if the scapegoat was as adored, and never disciplined to extreme measures,  like their golden child sibling, then the scapegoat child would have nothing to be upset about now, would they?

Excuses are always made by the narcissistic parent to explain away the abuse of the scapegoated child.

Common excuses:

  1. They’re cheeky
  2. Disagreeable
  3. Challenges me all the time
  4. They’re out of control

These claims made by the narcissist are most likely true. However, the narcissist is prone to exaggeration, and these behaviours are fairly normal in children; some more so than others.  The narcissist cannot tolerate ordinary child-like behaviour because in their eyes they are entitled to have complete control over the child. In the narcissistic family, normal childlike behaviour such as squabbling between siblings, or a bit of back chatting is used against the children. The children who refuse to be seen and not heard are assessed by the narcissist as being problematic. For example; crying is pretty much prohibited in this family system, or explained away as crocodile tears and attention seeking.

The scapegoat grows up living in the golden child’s shadow. When they get upset about it, and have the audacity to have an argument with the narcissist about the issue, they are told that they are insane, have mental health problems, and are out of control. They may even be told that they are very similar to other people that the narcissist deems as crazy, such as relatives or friends.

The narcissist hopes that by denigrating this child they will be able to control the child. This tactic usually goes the other way for the narcissist. Instead, the scapegoat becomes distressed at the accusations hurled at them, and one day discloses the abuse.

Meanwhile, the golden child sits back and feels very special while this is happening to the scapegoat. The abuse of the scapegoat not only keeps this child out of the limelight, but it reinforces to the golden child what a good child they are, and what a bad child the scapegoat is.

Lets get one thing Straight: The golden child isn’t any better than the scapegoated child. They just haven’t been scapegoated; that is the difference.

Cinderella Syndrome: So, here we have a very real case of ‘Cinderella syndrome,’ which of course the golden – child revels in.

Abuse in silence:

A lot of the narcissist’s abuse towards the scapegoat is done behind closed doors, in private where other family members’ are unable to directly witness events which signify extreme abuse. Acts of subtle abuse, on the other hand, are committed in front of the entire family and are accepted by these family members as a consequence of the scapegoat’s behaviour. These family members’ have fallen prey to the brainwashing tactics of the narcissist, and now also believe, along with the narcissistic parent that the scapegoat’s normal childlike behaviour, is the behaviour of a child with something seriously wrong with them.

”It all depends on what the narcissist wants people to hear”

Abuse of the scapegoat is also initiated very subtly in front of the neighbours, friends, work colleagues, or even the coffee shop owner. Often, friends’, colleagues’, and family members’ accidentally perpetuate the abuse by telling the scapegoat that they are cheeky, should smile more, or that they have a sour persona. This reinforces to the scapegoated child that they are the problem.

Common phrases made to the narcissist’s minions: 

  • ‘She’s just like my mother. (A very abusive person who destroyed the life of the narcissist)
  • ‘My goodness, she’s just like my sister Samantha,’ (who apparently also has emotional regulation problems).
  • ‘That child of mine is so unhappy all the time. I don’t know what to do.’

These comments are said day in day out, sometimes five or six times in an hour. It is no wonder that the golden – child has a distorted perception of the scapegoat. They’re under the spell of mind control.

These continuous despicable comments eventually turn everybody against the scapegoat. So when the scapegoat acts out and claims that they are being treated unfairly, everybody, including the golden child, just thinks to themselves, ‘they’re crazy.’

A consequence of the scapegoat’s position in the family is that it enables the golden child, along with the other siblings, to blame their poor behaviour towards the scapegoat, on the scapegoat. Somehow, in some way, the scapegoat will always be blamed for the abuse hurled upon them.

The mind control that the narcissist has over the golden – child is a sure investment to the narcissist. Whenever the narcissistic parent requires the golden child’s allegiance against the scapegoat, the golden child will provide the narcissistic supply that the narcissist is asking for.

The narcissist has no empathy and no conscience; which means that they have absolutely no issue whatsoever with pushing the scapegoat over the edge emotionally. This way everybody will look to the scapegoat’s unusual behaviour, and focus on that rather than the narcissist.

Why must the scapegoat child never completely trust the golden child?

The golden child and the scapegoat child are sometimes good friends in childhood; best friends even. However, in most cases, the golden child will not accept that the scapegoat has been abused beyond belief. Deep down they too have internalised that the scapegoat is the crazy person, not the reverse.

They honestly don’t get it, and how could they? Most of the time people cannot empathise with an abused individual unless they’ve experienced something similar. Not once does the golden child ever question the impact the severe emotional abuse inflicted on the scapegoat, by the narcissist, may actually have on their sibling.

The scapegoat must never ever fully trust the golden child, under any circumstances. At the end of the day, it is most likely that when it comes down to it the golden child will always align with the narcissist.

Why?

  1. They have had their perception of the scapegoat distorted at a young age, and unless they have an epiphany, this perception will most likely never change.
  2. They have an investment in believing the lies. If they don’t, they will end up being scapegoated too.
  3. The narcissist has been investing financially in this child since they were born, which subconsciously makes the golden child feel very loyal to the narcissist.
  4. They’ve just bought themselves a soldier in their army, a conqueror, and a secondary abuser to put the scapegoat back in their place when they challenge the abuse.
  5. The golden child is most likely suffering from cognitive dissonance, and cannot see past the good stuff the narcissist does for them. However, the golden child has seen the narcissist treat people appallingly; and has chosen not to acknowledge it.

What the scapegoat needs to understand about their relationship with the golden child:

The relationship with this child was never real and never had a chance. Relationships can’t exist when there is mind control involved or the likes of a dangerous manipulator.

The entitlement of the golden child:

The golden child believes they are so much better than their scapegoat sibling, who just cannot behave (apparently).

The golden child can be very two-faced. With entitlement can often come nastiness. Their specialness makes it ok for them to sit and laugh at the scapegoat behind their back, smear the scapegoat’s name, and continually put the scapegoat down.

The golden child has a sense entitlement, and they believe that everybody should treat them in a special manner.

Moral values

The golden child:

  • has no loyalty to the scapegoat.
  • will sit and listen to the slander about the scapegoat, and all of the other people the narcissist can’t stand.
  • never apologises for anything, and never ever sees themselves as being at fault.
  • will never stand up for the scapegoat or anyone else for that matter, because to do so would be to cross the narcissist.

The sad fact is that the golden – child doesn’t care. Its all about the survival of the fittest in this family, and if the golden child needs to turn on their sibling to keep in favour of a vile human being. Well, so be it.

It is absolutely imperative that scapegoated children, even in adulthood, never fully trust their golden child sibling; because unbeknown to the scapegoat child, the golden-child, even in early childhood, has taken on board the brainwashing tactics of the narcissist. Deep down, regardless of a friendship with the scapegoat child, or not, the golden child will always believe that the scapegoat is fundamentally floored.

This is what the evidence suggests about the scapegoat in the eyes of the golden – child:

The golden child has witnessed the scapegoat:

  1. become hysterical
  2. have emotional meltdowns
  3. engage in big arguments with the narcissist

Golden child as judgemental:

The golden child is very judgemental and does not understand that these reactions are very normal reactions to a disgusting amount of psychological abuse.

The development of an alliance between golden child and narcissist: A scenario

In adulthood, the scapegoat may begin to tell people about their abuse, including the enabling parent. When they do this, and the truth becomes uncovered, the narcissist will take the scapegoat out, and destroy their relationships with the other siblings.

How does the narcissist use the golden – child to take the scapegoated adult child out ? A scenario

Narcissists are very revengeful: They will plot for months, or even years to get somebody back for some supposed slight that didn’t happen as they see it (like a scapegoat pouring their heart out to a family member about being on the receiving end of severe mental abuse).

First, the narcissist will hoover the scapegoat into the family by love bombing them. The scapegoat will find it odd that the person whom they have exposed is now making them soup, buying them things, and suddenly being very kind to them.

The scapegoat will believe in their mind that they have made amends with their parent, and that the parent has forgiven them for exposing the truth. However, they will notice that the tension heightens when they enter the room and that their siblings are acting strangely around them. The scapegoat will know for months in advance that something is wrong; they just won’t be able to put their finger on it.

The final showdown may happen at a function, or while the scapegoat is visiting the parent, who appears to want them around. I have heard many stories where a scapegoat is vilified in front of everyone at a function; only to have the scapegoat’s original suspicions clarified. The tension they originally felt around the family was very real. The narcissist had been sitting around with the help of the golden – child smearing the scapegoat’s name to the entire family.

Mind control is in full force: Finally, one of the children will have enough (most likely a golden child sibling – (there can be more than one) and blast the scapegoat. When the scapegoat questions the parent in private, their supposed slight of the narcissist will most likely be mentioned to the scapegoat as a reason as to why the discard occurred. The other children will most likely never know that this was all a revenge plot by the narcissist. At this point, the golden child will show no remorse for what has happened.

Redeveloping a relationship with the golden child:

I personally believe that the golden child has already shown the scapegoat who they are, and that the scapegoat should really take this into account. The golden child cannot be trusted, and they have most likely shown this to be true on several occasions.

Possibilities for a relationship may occur after the narcissist dies. However, the scapegoat will never be able to trust the golden child again, because when it suits them, they’ll just turn against their scapegoated sibling, as a way to avoid all accountability for their own vile behaviour. The only element that will change in this scenario is who they side with.

Until the golden child’s perception of the scapegoat changes, which is unlikely, the scapegoat may need to sever all ties with the golden child and kiss the relationship goodbye.