Depending on the strain of narcissist, be they sociopathic, psychopathic, or just extremely malignant in their narcissism, a narcissistic ex can be extremely difficult to get away from – and even more difficult to co-parent with if they decide that their ex-partner is still an excellent fuel source.
Some narcissist’s sail off into the sunset, and want little to do with their ex and the children, whilst other narcissists’ behave as though they will melt into the earth itself, if they can no longer manipulate their ex into re-instating themselves as their narcissist’s primary source of supply.
Some weeks ago I stumbled upon the blog of a self-proclaimed narcissist, and sociopath – HG Tudor. After reading Tudor’s assessment of the narcissist’s relationship with their children, I now know that my assumptions made previously about the psychopath, sociopath, or narcissist’s relationship with the children, were right on the money.
The psychopath’s co-parenting relationship with their ex is not latched onto by the psychopath because the psychopath loves the children. Instead, the psychopath latches onto the co-parenting relationship with their ex for the sake of the fuel which can be extracted from the non-narcissistic parent because of the co-parenting relationship.
”Think of all of the possibilities a co-parenting relationship can provide for a born trouble maker. Hmmm, such a feeding ground.”
Malignant narcissists’ are parasitical in nature, and literally extract fuel from the people around them to feel uplifted, superior, grandiose, and free from emptiness.
Children are only extensions of the narcissist, and are often used in the co-parenting situation to antagonise the other parent, and to gain fuel from the parentally alienated parent through sadistic means.
The extremely malignant narcissist has very little interest in the children, if any. This breed of narcissist will agree to take the children overnight for three reasons.
For the more psychopathically inclined narcissist with weekend visitation, visiting the children is not actually about seeing the children at all. In fact, weekend visitation is actually about re-visiting the person whom was once the narcissist’s most conscientious and capable fuel supply. This person is the mouse that got away from the cat.
The narcissist will use the co-parenting situation as an opportunity to:
The psychopathic narcissist has no shame
It doesn’t matter how many times the psychopath is rejected by their ex, they will still use every opportunity possible relative to the co-parenting situation, to manipulate the non-narcissistic parent into spending time with them.
The best option for the non-narcissistic parent in regard to changeover?
It is extremely time consuming dealing with a psychopathic ex. The best option for the non-narcissistic parent in regard to changeover is to get a family member or friend to change the children over. Changeover with a psychopath hell bent on spending time with a non-narcissistic parent, provoking the other parent, or extracting fuel will never work. In the mind of the psychopath, a previous fuel source in a room with them for any amount of time is simply a sparkly object to be hoovered, and to extract fuel from.
Harassment from a narcissist
The psychopath whom is determined to spend time with their ex non- narcissist believes they own them. This is the ex that begs the non-narcissistic parent to get back together with them again and again, over and over again (hundreds of times), no matter how many times the non-narcissist has informed the narcissistic individual that this is just never going to happen.
What happens during changeover?
The narcissist will hit the non-narcissist up for support, begging them to hang out with them while they take the children out, claiming they need their support for any number of reasons. The narcissist will invite the parent to endless events, changeover after changeover, and may even turn up to the other parent’s favourite hang out or coffee shop with the children, sit down opposite the non-narcissistic parent, and order themselves a coffee during visitation with their children. At every opportunity the psychopathic narcissist will also quiz the non-narcissistic parent about their private sexual affairs.
The psychopathic narcissist will most definitely invite themselves into their ex partner’s home during changeover, and will use any excuse to come into the household, including the excuse that they need to use the toilet. Next thing the ex-partner knows is that their narcissist is switching the kettle on, pulling out two cups from the cupboard, and is asking their ex if they still take their tea or coffee the same way they used to.
This stream of narcissist will not take no for an answer, and will beg and beg and beg to spend time with the other parent, until of course, the non-narcissistic parent puts a stop to it. If the information coming from the object of interests mouth doesn’t align with what the psychopath wants and needs, than the information does not become processed by the psychopath’s brain.
What happens when the narcissist is asked to leave the ex partner’s home?
If the narcissist is asked to leave the non-narcissistic parent’s home, than the narcissist will inevitably make a big scene, try to turn the children against the other parent as they walk out the door, blame the non-narcissistic parent for the altercation that has taken place, and will bag them out to the kids all day long, convincing the children that they are not a bully, and that mummy or daddy should be nicer to them.
Question: How long can this behaviour from the psychopath go on for?
Answer: This behaviour can go on for years. The psychopathic narcissist does not take no for answer.
The obsessed narcissistic parent will stalk their ex, harass them, call them endlessly for no particular reason, and in time, things may get so bad, or so emotionally overwhelming, that changeovers may need to be done at the police station. And, yes, the non-narcissistic parent will be punished for cutting off contact, and for not allowing the narcissist to pick the children up from their home anymore.
What does the narcissistic parent do to pay the non-narcissistic back for cutting contact?
Why are they doing this to you? They own you! In the malignant narcissist’s mind you are an extension of them, and you must never try to get away. If you do, there will be hell to pay. If you get a partner early on in the piece there will be even more hell to pay.
Will they always taunt me?
Yes, the narcissistic parent will always taunt the non-narcissistic parent to some degree. As the years go by the incidents may become few and far between; yet, every now and again, the narcissist will drop a nasty emotional bomb on their non-narcissistic ex, just so as they can visualise from a distance the emotional effect their revenge is having on them. Behaving abusively from a distance is still fuel to be extracted in the narcissistic parent’s mind.
The end result? If the non-narcissistic parent (whom may well be suffering from PTSD by the time the narcissist backs off) weathers the storm throughout this particularly frightening time in their lives, and refuses to be the narcissistic parent’s fuel supply, the narcissist will eventually tire of trying to manipulate, and guilt the non-narcissistic parent into reinstating themselves as the narcissist’s primary fuel source.
It is a long emotional ride for the non-narcissistic parent. However, if the non-narcissistic parent stands their ground, and refuses to engage with the narcissist as much as they possibly can, the narcissist will eventually begin to lose interest in the co-parenting relationship, and the children themselves, which may be the best outcome for everybody involved.
If the non-narcissistic parent batons down the hatches, the narcissist will have no other choice but to find fuel elsewhere.
”One of the hardest realities to come to terms with for the adult child of a narcissist is that their entire childhood was a lie; and all they were to their parent was narcissistic supply. An object to be toyed with, manipulated, goaded, and provoked.”
The wisdom of fairy tales
I often wonder if the author’s of ‘Snow White,’ ‘Hansel and Gretal’ and ‘Cinderella’ had once been victims’ of narcissism. As children, we are warned through folk tales, and fairy tales alike, about the cruelty of parents. What I have recently come to realise is that the simple children’s fairy tale, is actually many a child’s normal.
I applaud the author of ‘Snow White’ for planting a seed in the minds of our children, and forewarning little children about the cruelty of the world, and the most malignant of hoovers. ‘Hansel and Gretel’ is an eye opener for children with an enabling parent, and ‘Cinderella’s’ story describes a typical narcissistic setup – where siblings sell each other down the river for their narcissistic parent’s approval. Luckily for the reader, all fairytales have a happy ending.
However, for the child of the narcissist, there is no happy ending. Their parent cannot change, and will always play mind games with their child.
The malignant hoover as a unique design – and mental damage to a child’s psyche
A Child of a narcissist does not have the ability to realise that they are being love bombed, idealised, devalued and discarded over and over again. A little child gives their narcissistic parent all of their trust willingly, and with love – only to endure the most horrific psychological abuse one can suffer from. Kids don’t have the ability to comprehend why their narcissistic parent is kind, caring , loving, giving and supportive one minute – only to punish them moments later for reasons which don’t make sense.
Children living out the cycle of idealise, devalue, discard, come out of their childhoods believing that they are inherently bad, and deserve to be punished, discarded, and denounced over and over again. This pattern of abuse most likely will not be understood by the child of a narcissist until adulthood, if they make the choice to go in search of answers. The scapegoat will most likely be the first child to endeavour to look behind their parent’s false self.
The most mistreated child, the scapegoat, will most definitely be the first of the children to put two and two together.
The three stage phase
Common discards for children of narcissists
What does it mean to be hoovered?
The ‘hoover’ is a well- known tactic utilised by the narcissist after they have worked their way through each phase of a three stage process; idealisation, devalue and discard. After the discard stage has been utilised, and the victim retreats, the narcissist will than exercise a hoover of sorts to draw the person back into their life.
Idealisation, devaluation, and the discard are not phases of the three stage process just limited to adults. Small children go through these stages daily, only to be hoovered again shortly after.
Example hoovers for children
Discarding a small child – how is it done?
The narcissistic parent will deploy a number of techniques to distress their small children. Children as young as four will be idealised, devalued and discarded, as well as love bombed, all in a matter of hours.
Scenario: A child decides to go shopping with mummy instead of spending time with daddy and the other siblings. Daddy decides to buy the child that went with him, a toy – and deliberately decides not to buy the other child a toy. When the child comes home, they ask if daddy bought them a toy too. The narcissistic father informs the child that it is in fact their fault that they did not receive a toy, because they refused to spend time with their father.
The child will become momentarily dumbfounded and confused as they blubber away in the corner. However, the confusion will soon subside when the narcissist hoovers the child with a cupcake hours later.
Buying a child’s love
Narcissists’ love to buy children gifts, and to use their artistic talents, and abilities, to love bomb and hoover small children. To receive a gift from a narcissist, a home cooked meal, a batch of cookies, or a hand drawn get well card, signifies to the victim that they they have the narcissist’s approval. Children, in particular begin to think that these manipulative tactics are gestures of love, an apology, and an expression of accountability. The confusion is exhausting for the child, because their narcissistic parent is hot, cold, and calculating. They could lash out and initiate a mentally damaging payback at the smallest slight.
The wisdom of fairytales:
Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately (I am yet to come to either conclusion) I now know that fairytales are not tales about fortune; but rather misfortune, and the harsh realities about the cruelty of both parents, and step parents. Fairy tales are confirmation for small children that not all parents can be trusted, and not all parent’s will protect their children from abusive behaviour.
Narcissism brings out the worst in people, and shows the true colours of everybody around the narcissist. Siblings readily sell out the family scapegoat to stay in good rapport with the narcissistic mother or father, or to ensure their human right to a tidy sum once the narcissist dies. Enablers’ often choose the narcissist over the children a million times over; and the list of offences towards good human beings and small children goes on.
Lets take a look at poor Hansel and Gretel, shall we? Hansel and Gretel’s own father took Hansel and Gretel out into the woods, only to discard his children at the step mother’s request. Cinderella’s stepsisters sold her down the river, and triangulated against her time and time again to keep in favour of their vile mother, Cinderella’s stepmother – and Snow White was nearly murdered by her stepmother in the name of jealousy. Fairytales can teach us a lot about narcissism.
Alienating one’s husband or wife inside of the family home is a huge breach of trust, and can have a potentially devastating effect on the alienated parent, and the children. To talk about the mother or father of your children negatively, to pathologise the alienated parent’s behaviour, or to turn your children against the alienated parent, and then deny having ever conversed with the children about the alienated parent in the first place, is crazy-making behaviour.
Psychopaths, narcissists, and sociopaths are dangerous people. They destroy entire families, and people in numbers. Put a psychopath in a harmonious situation, and people will suddenly begin to hate one another. Psychopaths, narcissists and sociopaths have absolutely no empathy, a lack of emotion, and will cross their husband or wife, children, cousins’, brothers’ and sisters’ at the drop of a hat.
How does the alienating parent think?
In the mind of an alienating parent with a severe personality disorder, their family members are merely extensions of themselves. This means that they must believe, do or say, as the narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath believes, does or says. Without complete control over the entire family unit, the severely personality disordered parent feels dumbfounded, confused, and disorientated.
Narcissists must have all of the attention in the room, endless amounts of sympathy, and constant adoration from their partner and children. These people have a deeply ingrained desire to divide and conquer, and to triangulate against anybody who challenges them. Divide and conquer will ensure that this parent remains the victim at all times.
Alienating parents’ cannot share attention and adoration. In the mind of an alienating parent, the alienated parent is their biggest threat and overall competition.
The alienated parent’s lack of awareness
A lot of alienated parents’ don’t understand the extent to which they have been alienated by the other parent until they leave the family home. They know deep down that something is up, and often feel as though they don’t have the alienating parent’s full support. However, it is unlikely that they are fully aware of just how much their children have been brainwashed right underneath their noses.
Some alienated parents’ are so fooled by the personality disordered parent’s false persona, that they may not find out the real reason why their children have been disrespecting them so badly for so many years, until one of the children decides to expose the alienating parent twenty years down the track.
Why does the personality disordered parent alienate the other parent?
The psychopathic, narcissistic or sociopathic parental alienator cannot handle any criticism from anybody, including the alienated parent. They can dish it out, but they can’t take it. As soon as someone says one thing to the alienating parent, they truly cannot handle it and will turn everybody against their new target. Psychopaths’ must have complete control over the people they have relationships with.
In marriage and partnerships with a psychopath, solving problems is very difficult. If you have a problem with a personality disordered individual, you often become the problem.
The alienating parent will not own any of their bad behaviours. Everything is everybody else’s fault. Every time the alienating parent is asked to accept responsibility for their own behaviour, they will turn the situation back around onto the alienated parent.
The simplest of criticisms or signs of discontent from the alienated parent will threaten the alienating parent’s sense of self. The smallest criticism will leave the alienated parent confused, and facing a serious narcissistic injury. This will drive the narcissistic parent to compete with the other parent to prove that they are more superior, grand, and far more deserving of all of the love and attention in the room, than their inferior spouse, who they now see as unfit, and in need of lessons on how to be a parent.
Boredom and the psychopath:
Psychopaths’ will alienate for a number of reasons. Some of them do it because they are bored. Simple as that! They must feed off others emotions, and must invoke strong emotions in others for their own pleasure and mental stimulation.
The drama they create amongst all of the family members will give them a role to play. This role may be healer, protector, or good guy who has come in to save the day and resolve all of the fighting (which they have set up through tactics such as divide and conquer) between siblings, or mother and child; when in fact the opposite is true.
The psychopath sees the children as objects to use to abuse the kinder parent.
The family unit is the perfect arena for a psychopath. In the eyes of the psychopath, a family is a perfect place to set up their stage, and to begin the performances. As the director of the play, they will choose the actors’, the roles the actors’ will play, and the role they will play. The psychopath will play the martyr, victim, abused mother or father and mistreated soul. From now on the psychopath will never be without emotional food.
This quest for drama will ensure that the psychopath will idealise, devalue, and discard the alienated parent over and over again. When they are done with the parent, they will then start on the children.
The effects of parental alienation on the alienated parent and their children:
Parental alienation is a severe form of abuse that destroys children internally for a lifetime, as well as the alienated parent. Children are manipulated by their parent into mistreating the kinder parent. Their childhood is filled with drama and mistrust. They are used as pawns in a game. They have been lied to about the parent that they love, and their relationship with this parent may remain severely impacted well into adulthood.
The parental alienator is a selfish pathological liar, who would cut the children loose at the drop of a hat; especially if they expose the psychopath. Destroying other people’s relationships is a game to this parent.
The psychopath as master of illusion:
Prior to the relationship with the alienated parent, the psychopath will have preened and polished a false persona to their liking, by emulating the qualities of many, in the hope of pulling the persona off and hiding the monster underneath. With this new persona, they will delude their new target, and manipulate their way into the life of their soon to be, mother or father of the future children.
With an incredible amount of self-control, the psychopath will temporarily paint over the cracks, in true master of illusion style. The psychopath will mirror the victim, and will begin to copy the victim’s kind empathetic nature, as a way to manipulate, and hoover in their victim.
Once the psychopath is married, the cracks in the paintwork will begin to show, and the faulty foundation will begin to crumble. The cognitively dissonant partner will suddenly see the red flags everywhere. However, they will most likely continue on in the relationship hoping that the psychopath will make some changes in regard to some huge character floors.
The psychopath’s carefully formulated false persona, their ability to change personalities quickly, and to temporarily emulate kindness, empathy, love, forgiveness and remorse, will keep this partner engaged in the relationship, and living in hope of change.
Common red flags of a severely personality disordered person:
Narcissists sociopaths and psychopaths all have one thing in common. They must be superior to everybody in their company.
Nitpicking, bagging everybody out, raging, accusations that everyone else is crazy, no real relationships, and a long list of broken relationships is a dead give away that this person may one day be the same person who will portray their spouse as the primary problem in the family.
Psychopath as a pathological liar:
Every-time the alienated parent asks the psychopath if they have been talking about them to the children, they will deny the accusation. I have known of psychopaths who have stayed in denial even after one of their children has come forward and confirmed the alienated parent’s accusations.
Gas-lighting is a form of manipulation through persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying in an attempt to destabilise the victim. Its intent is to sow seeds of doubt in the target hoping to make them question their own memory, perception, and sanity.
For example: The alienated parent will notice the considerable change in the children’s behaviour towards them, and may even sense that the alienating parent is causing trouble. However, they won’t be able to prove it, and may even begin to feel as though they are going crazy.
10 ways the alienating parent alienates the other parent?
Good cop, bad cop: Some psychopaths will play good cop, bad cop. They will want their children to see them as a good guy, the parent with no boundaries, the fun parent, and the parent who complains in front of the children that the alienated parent is too strict.
This parent will often pretend to be the more lenient, relaxed parent, who lets the children stay up late, doesn’t discipline the children, and doesn’t expect any respect from the children. This is all a part of the plan though and serves a purpose for when the psychopath decides to play the victim. This is when they will complain about what bad children they have, and just how out of control their children really are.
However, in the meantime, the children will be driven to think that the alienated parent is too strict, annoying, the problem in the family, and the reason they have rules and boundaries.
Swapping between ‘real self’ and ‘false self’ :
The psychopath’s false – self comes out in front of the parent, and their real-self comes out in front of the children.
For example: Psychopath tells alienated parent they are going to go into their teenager’s room to discuss the teenager’s disrespect of the alienated parent. Instead, the alienating parent goes into the bedroom and says:
‘You know your father has anger management issues, you need to learn to ignore him.’
It is through this form of parental alienation that the alienated parent will begin to feel as though they are going crazy.
By making the children feel sorry for them:
Severely personality disordered people want their children to feel sorry for them.
For example: If the alienated parent is upset with the psychopath for undermining them in front of their children, and speaks up about it in their own defence, the psychopath will suddenly feign victimhood, and put on a performance. Instead of apologising, resolving the problem, or taking any responsibility for their behaviour, they will use their body language to provoke a reaction from the children.
They may shrug their shoulders, or become silent and droopy. The psychopath will pull this trick out of the box daily; and in time the children will learn to interpret the alienating parent’s body language as the cue to intervene in the argument, and to stand up for the alienating parent.
Public humiliation in front of the children:
Example: Psychopath is about to get in the car and go surfing. Alienated parent asks the psychopath if they can look after the children instead, because the alienated parent has suddenly come down with a vomiting bug.
Parental alienator points at the parent and screams at the top of their lungs: ‘Look what your doing now. This is what you always do. You aren’t sick. Look kids, your mother isn’t sick.’ Looks around to make sure the kids are watching. ‘This is what your mother does when she doesn’t want me to go surfing. Are you watching kids? Take note.’ Psychopath rolls their eyes, and storms off, leaving the alienated parent to vomit for hours while the children are watching television.
Disagreeing with the alienated parent about issues to do with the children in front of the children:
Psychopathic types are renowned for starting arguments in front of the children, about the children. Instead of asking the alienated parent to come outside to discuss an issue which has arisen about the children, or a difference of opinion about the children, the parent will involve the child in the issue, or even defend the child’s inappropriate actions towards the alienated parent in front of the alienated parent.
Constant put downs of the alienated parent in front of the children:
‘You’re so paranoid.’
‘You really do have behavioural problems don’t you?’
‘Your anger is a number ten. You really do need to watch that.’
‘No wonder the children are frightened of you.’
‘Give you an inch and you’ll take a mile.’
‘Why do our children need to ask if they can eat some of your lollies?’
‘Why does she have to clean her room up now? Can’t you just relax?’
Shows the children personal messages from the other parent:
Parental alienators’ have no issue with showing the children private messages or emails between parents’, and they will deliberately leave the phone on speaker if the alienated parent is going to be slightly distressed on the phone.
Example: Alienated parent writes a text message to alienating parent:
‘Can you please hurry and come home. You said you would be home in an hour, and that was three hours ago.’
The alienating parent will show the child the message, and claim that the alienated parent is being controlling and difficult.
Example: Alienated parent rings the alienating parent and is immediately placed on loud speaker so as the children can hear the conversation, unbeknown to the alienated parent.
Alienated parent says sternly: ‘I told you I have an appointment to go to and your running late. I have told you a thousand times over that i cannot be late.’
Alienating parent gets off the phone, rolls their eyes, looks really sad, and says to the children.
‘Did you hear how your father speaks to me.’
Alienated parent must not show any emotion: The alienated parent is picked to bits. They cannot raise their voice, cannot show anger, and is never allowed to be sad, hurt, or disgruntled about anything the psychopath does. If so, the alienating parent will inform the children that any emotion the alienated parent has is a sure sign of a character floored person.
The behaviour of the child towards the alienated parent:
Children living in this environment often end up triangulating against the alienated parent, and will often claim that they have come to the conclusion on their own that there is something wrong with the alienated parent.
The most common question asked by scapegoated adult children, alienated parents, and ex- partners who are suffering from narcissistic abuse syndrome is;
‘do the flying monkeys’ ever see the narcissist or psychopath for who they really are?’
I too have watched from the sidelines as my narcissist’s flying monkeys’ have flocked around the narcissist, and supported a sick, deranged being – whom we all know is a liar, triangulator, thief, predator, and a fake, at the expense of the true victim or victims’. The narcissistic situation is one of the few situations in life where the true victim is left alone to recover from what could often be described as a complete nervous breakdown, while the narcissist feigns victimhood, and presents as the person being targeted.
I too have wanted retribution and validation. I have also wanted those same flying monkeys’ that have worked for the narcissist to apologise, to come to their senses, to realise that they have been conned, and to understand that they do not know the ins and outs of what has actually gone down.
”Guess what? It ain’t going to happen. Or at least, not for a very long time.”
Why? Well there are two reasons.
Number one: The narcissist is a con artist, a master manipulator, deflector, love bomber and emulator.
Number two: The flying monkeys’ are often judgemental, easily manipulated, fall for tall stories, don’t have personal boundaries, and believe whatever they are told. A lot of flying monkeys’ are enabling types, abuse apologists, want something from the narcissist, believe that the target holding the narcissist accountable should just get on with it, forget that they were publicly humiliated, ganged up on and smeared – let it go, and forgive.
From my experience, flying monkeys’ exist because a target has challenged the narcissist in some way, and the narcissist feels criticised. Criticism is a fate worse then death for a narcissist, and is the very reason why narcissists’ have flying monkeys. 95% of flying monkeys’ have two things in common – they all believe in the false persona, and they can’t mind their own business.
Truth tellers, whistleblowers, scapegoated children, and exes, are always portrayed as the crazy one to the narcissist’s flying monkeys’. As soon as the victims tries to hold the narcissist accountable for their actions, the narcissist will deny what they have done to the victim. This is called gas lighting. If the narcissist cannot have complete control over every aspect of your mind, they will lie about you, and will try to control other people’s perception of you. Narcissists’ describe victims of abuse as unhinged, and out of touch with reality so as they can avoid accountability. Once the narcissist realises you are on to them, and they can’t control your opinion, the smear campaign begins.
The narcissist does not want to be found out for being the fake that they truely are. This would mean they would have no choice but to face their false self, and fess up to their disgusting deeds.Where there is a lack of responsibility, there will always be scapegoats’ and flying monkeys’.
How do healthy people handle gossip?
Healthy human beings often listen to the gossip, but leave it at that. They will reserve judgement until they get to know the other person, or hear the full story from both parties. Healthy people don’t become involved in triangulation, unless it is to put a stop to a triangulation.
What do flying monkey’s do when the narcissist plays the victim and makes up lies about a target?
Flying monkeys align straight away, get annoyed with the target for seeking accountability, and soothe the narcissist instead of the true victim, the target.
Flying monkeys’ are brainwashed, insecure people who fall hook line and sinker for the bait. In their mind they are aligning with the narcissist against a perpetrator; a targeted victim. They believe the target is the troubled bully in the relationship with the narcissist.
Flying monkeys’ have a pack mentality, are very insecure, have big issues themselves, like the stability of having a pack to reside in, and will secure their position in the pack by vilifying, or scapegoating someone else to feel better.
How does the narcissist manipulate minions into aligning with them?
The narcissist will divide a group of people with the use of triangulation in order to conquer a target. This strategy is used to align family members’, siblings’, the narcissistic child’s parent, employees’ and friends’ with the narcissist.
It becomes a case of: ‘well so and so (the target) doesn’t like you either. They said this this and this.’
Sadly these minion’s fall victim to a pack of lies. Triangulation reinforces to the narcissist’s allies that the target truely is a bad seed, needs to be taken down, isolated, and gotten rid of.
Do not be fooled. Yes, the target is being isolated; but the narcissist is also dividing and triangulating the flying monkeys’ against one another as well.
Do the flying monkey’s see the narcissist for who they truely are?
No, 95% of them do not. The narcissist’s followers know the narcissist has some problems, they just don’t know the depth of these problems. There is no reason for the narcissist to show their minions the dark side. They are simply secondary fuel sources to the narcissist. They have no need to challenge the narcissist, and are the perfect mirror for the narcissist, because they only ever see the false persona. The target is the only person who truly knows who the narcissist is.
The mirror is the problem here. If the mirror (being you) doesn’t reflect back to the narcissist want they want to hear about themselves, than the narcissist will smash the mirror. This is when scapegoating will occur. Flying monkeys’ are the perfect enabler’s, won’t step on the cracks, and enable enable enable. Where as, scapegoated individuals’ call a spade a spade and say it how it is.
What makes a flying monkey a flying monkey?
Typically, flying monkeys’ have various belief systems which elevate them into flying monkey status. A lot of flying monkeys’ are weak covert narcissists’ themselves, and don’t have a problem watching other people be bullied.
They are often abuse apologists’, forgive and forget types, who have a firm belief that people grow out of their mistakes. Flying monkeys’ excuse the narcissist’s reckless past behaviour, and believe that it is truely possible for people who have done terrible things to change; because I guess, sometimes people do change. The 5% of flying monkey’s that see the narcissist for what they are, (a troublemaker) dumb down the problem with little regard to the people it affects, and call it an emotional disability. Unfortunately a narcissist will choose these types of enabling beings to be their flying monkeys.
The good people who refuse to become flying monkeys
Be assured that a lot of people do know that your narcissist is an actor. They do see straight through the facade and question the stories the narcissist is telling them. They question why the narcissist’s ex can’t allow him or her to see the children. They wonder why the narcissist continues to claim that their ex has a mental health problem, when she or he looked ok last week. Good people do not befriend people who tell half truths, use the divide and conquer method on them, and constantly report that everybody is bad. These people will not become directly enmeshed with the narcissist because they know something is up. The flying monkeys’ however, are easily manipulated, and don’t view a red flag as a red flag.
The 5% of flying monkeys’ who know about the abuse
Every now and again a narcissistic abuse victim is told by a flying monkey that they know the narcissist is downright dangerous. These flying monkeys’ fall short because they remain tied to a person that is emotionally destroying the target, their friend or family member. They are too gutless to stand up for the abused, they don’t want to lose their comfort pleasures, and they have no issue sacrificing the mental health of the abused. This flying monkey does not care if the abuse pushes the individual to have a psychotic breakdown. As long as they’re ok, that’s all that matters.
These knowing flying monkeys’ often come in the form of one of the narcissist’s friends, or a disloyal sibling to a scapegoat; the one who has a vested interest in affiliating with the narcissist for their inheritance. These flying monkey’s are in some ways more morally accountable and karmically liable than the severely brainwashed flying monkey’s who have no idea they’re being manipulated. They know the narcissist is dangerous, and they don’t care about the nervous breakdown, or the suicide attempts which often come hand in hand for the family scapegoat who has been scapegoated and shunned by an entire family. This sibling wants the proverbial golden egg; and if their sibling has to go down in the process, well so be it. This person is not your friend.
‘If I had an inheritance, than maybe my sibling who knew I was being scapegoated months before I was discarded, would’ve stood up for me, told me what was going on, and would never have let it happen in the first place.’
This family member, or friend is not going to pull a scapegoater up on their bullying behaviour. If a scapegoated adult child has nothing but friendship to provide a knowing sibling flying monkey, than it only makes sense that a sibling so morally bankrupt will not be crossing over into the camp of the righteous any time soon.
This flying monkey may not directly pick on a victim, but when push comes to shove they most certainly are not for the victim.
The scapegoated victim’s pain means nothing to these knowing flying monkeys’. They do not care; because if they did, they would be so enraged at the abuse of another, that they wouldn’t be able to contain themselves. The desire to protect the person they love would be so strong that they wouldn’t be able to hold their tongue; and they most certainly would not have it in them to enable the perpetrator, soul destroyer, and life ruiner that almost pushed their sibling or friend over the edge.
Scapegoating is serious business, and the isolation involved can push the bullied victim to suicide. Outcast, shunned family scapegoats have been known to die from drug addiction and depression before, because the shame of being hated for being who they are is too much to handle. To know a parent turned a whole family against their child is one of the most painful things a family scapegoat can go through. For a knowing flying monkey sibling to know what has happened, and than go after money at the scapegoat’s expense is a disgusting thing to do.
Knowing flying monkey’s condone abuse at the expense of another, because standing up for truth would mean they would be thrown out of the family, or the friendship group. Unless a flying monkey is in the accidental flying monkey category, or the well meaning, these minions are never good people. There is something very wrong with a self- focused enabler who places their needs over the mental health of others.
Scapegoated victims’ are often told by these types that they shouldn’t have such high expectations in expecting their loved one or friend to stand up for them. It is common for these types of flying monkey’s to manipulate the scapegoated individual into believing that they are the problem because they won’t forgive, forget, and accept that all families’ are screwed up. This person needs you to forgive and forget a fully fledged perpetrator, stop talking about it, pretend the narcissist is relatively safe, and to stop expecting support from them; because they want their money. So, in order to push on towards an inheritance, they need this sibling to shut it, to remain invalidated, and ex communicated.
By saying nothing, laughing at the scapegoated individuals expense, and continuing to allow the scapegoater’s to believe that their behaviour is acceptable, and that what they did to this was ok, is a cowardly immoral, disgusting act.
These minions’ know exactly who and what the narcissist is, but they do not care about the impact the narcissist has on another. People like this do not have empathy. Empathetic friends or family, support scapegoated individuals. They don’t allow them to languish in emotional hell.
The great Martin Luther King once said ‘In the end we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. ‘
Do the flying monkeys’ know the narcissist to their full extent?
The answer is no, they do not. 95% of minions’ do not realise they are being recruited, and they do not know how dangerous the narcissist is. The narcissist doesn’t tell them the terrible things they do to their victim when they are away from the flying monkeys’. In situations of family abuse, workplace abuse, and abuse amongst friends, flying monkeys’ most often have no idea that the target is being set up, and that they, the flying monkeys are being used to triangulate against the target, and to act as a puppet on a string.
Flying monkeys’, or supposed friends’ of a narcissistic mother or father who complains that they can’t see their kids, and that their ex has a severe mental health problem, have absolutely no idea that their narcissistic co-worker or best friend is probably cyber stalking their ex, reporting them unnecessarily to human services, has stolen thousands of dollars from them, is lying about their character to anyone who will listen, and is setting them up for public shaming wherever possible. They have no idea that the narcissist has reversed the roles, and is actually impersonating their exe’s lovely personality to manipulate their flying monkeys’ in the first place. The horrible personality the narcissist re-invents as being their exes personality, is actually the narcissist’s personality.
The love-bombing, emulating of another’s personality, and random acts of kindness, make it almost impossible for an easily manipulated flying monkey to see through the narcissist.
HG Tudor, a well known narcissistic sociopath says himself that people are just plain stupid when it comes to believing the facade.
Will the flying monkeys’ ever see the narcissist for who they are?
The only way a flying monkey will ever who the narcissist is, is if they challenge the narcissist. If a flying monkey, particularly an accidental flying monkey stands up for a victim of abuse, disagrees with the narcissist, or doesn’t reflect back to the narcissist the mirror they want them to be, than yes, they will be thrown out of the fold, and scapegoated. Scapegoats’ can be replaced at any given moment, and flying monkeys’ can become scapegoats’.
Flying monkeys – which type?
Well meaning flying monkeys’
From my experience with well meaning flying monkeys’, they (and I have had a lot of experience with well meaning flying monkeys) have no idea the extent of the narcissist’s abusiveness, and they honestly think they are trying to help to fix a fixable situation. Flying monkey fathers’ and mothers’ can literally put scapegoated adult children in danger by trying to fix an unfixable relationship with the narcissistic parent.
Scapegoated adult children experience emotional horror when told by well-meaning flying monkeys’ who don’t know what they’re talking about that they were a cheeky a child, difficult to handle, and basically deserved the harsh punishments or abusive talk dished out to them.
These flying monkeys’ accept the narcissist’s perception of the child, or adult – child as being difficult, and will run with that, without question. They have no idea that their inappropriate intervention is mentally damaging and dangerous to say the least.
These same flying monkeys’ will take it upon themselves to question the scapegoat adult child on their reasoning behind no contact. They will often tell the scapegoated child that they need to forgive and forget vile abuse. These flying monkeys’ come in the form of minsters’, priests, church folk, elderly people who had good upbringings, or family friends who have no idea what narcissistic abuse is. These same people will listen to the scapegoat to no avail. The scapegoat’s voice goes unheard, and the flying monkey continues to believe they know better.
Common phrases of an abuse apologist flying monkey
‘We’ve all got faults.’
‘Forgive and forget.’
‘You were a cheeky child.’
‘You have to forgive at some point.’
‘It happened a long time ago.’
‘Its your mother.’ Or ‘But he’s your father.’
‘They’re the father of your children.’
‘You’re acting out on your ego.’
The abuse apologist has no concern for the psychological abuse committed against small children, or anybody else for that matter.
Why do the well meaning flying monkeys fall for such rot? Angelina’s story
A very close friend of mine Angelina was once a well meaning flying monkey. Angelina is now a scapegoat, and a repentant ex, well meaning flying monkey. Angelina, like so many other women who get involved with narcissistic men or women’ did not see through her narcissist’s false self.
Angelina had a child with this man, who also came into the relationship with a child from another relationship. Angelina was brainwashed into believing that her narcissist’s ex-partner had tried to ruin her narcissist’s life. Angelina’s narcissist told her that his ex had accused him of being a stalker, told child support all kinds of lies in effort to extract more money out of him, and even accused him of constantly deliberately under – estimating his income to child support. Of course he denied it, and said his ex was making his life a living hell. He displayed emotions of a victimised, hurt person. He claimed the reason he couldn’t see his child was because of his ex wife, and not his own actions. Angelina thought this woman was a monster.
Angelina stood up for her narcissist when he didn’t deserve to be stood up for. She even defended him black and blue when he had problems with colleagues, friends, family, and his own child.
Angelina left him ten years ago. He has been stalking her ever since. She is now in the exact same boat as his ex wife, and knows that his ex wife was telling the truth. The frightening reality is that this man comes across as so benign.
This man has well meaning flying monkey’s everywhere. Some people have likened him to mother Theresa. His story goes something like this. ‘I try to be nice to her in changeover. I just want to be a good dad. I love those kids so much, but she is just making my life a living hell.’
What he hasn’t told people is that he owes Angelina 7,000.00 in child support, says he wants to see the kids, when he actually wants to use the changeover excuse as a way of interacting with Angelina in the hope of extracting narcissitic supply from her. This man frequently publicly humiliates her while changing over, has stalked her, taunted her, has stolen money from her, has parentally alienated her and has convinced all of his flying monkeys that Angelina has a severe mental health problem.
The accidental flying monkey
The accidental flying monkey is a kind, caring person that often becomes entangled with narcissists’. They hold an overall belief that anyone can makes changes to their personality if they really want to.
The accidental flying monkey would never allow the narcissist to bully anyone else while in their company, and they refuse to talk nasty about people with the narcissist. Sometimes they will even gently pull the narcissist up without actually pulling them up. They are a secondary fuel source, and they are important to the narcissist. Again, they know the narcissist is entitled, troubled, and all the rest. This empath will pick the narcissist up if push comes to shove, and if the narcissist doesn’t like it, they will cease the friendship.
The judgemental, assuming flying monkey
Judgemental and assuming flying monkeys’ are often people who don’t even know the narcissist. These people are often friends’ or acquaintances’ of the victim. They get under the narcissistically abused victim’s skin because they judge the victim’s choices in regard to them or their children having no contact with the narcissist, whether that be the victim’s parent, or their child’s parent.
Again, these people can be fundamentally fanatical in their beliefs. These flying monkey types are random abuse apologists. Their fundamental belief is that relationships should be persisted with at all times.
For example: The friend of a scapegoated child may exclaim with complete disbelief that they cannot believe that their adult friend refuses to see their mother or father. In this situation this well meaning friend is not so well meaning. They are judging their close friend without facts. This judgemental friend has fundamental beliefs which are detrimental to the scapegoat adult child’s mental health.
These people believe that the target is flawed in some way, and that nobody can truely be as abusive as what the victim describes. These flying monkeys’ cannot look underneath the acts of abuse and deeply into the damage which has been done to the narcissists’ abuse victims’.
I have met flying monkey’s who honestly believe that everything should be just left to run its course, and a child’s journey with an abusive personality should be left uninterrupted. A lot of these people are narcissistic themselves, and often become overly invested in religious philosophy, law of attraction beliefs, and mindfulness techniques. They’ve missed the boat, and have misinterpreted some of the bibles most core beliefs about abusive people.
These types of people believe we should forgive and forget, and not to hold a grudge, regardless of heinous acts or crimes.
Hateful flying monkeys
Hateful flying monkeys’ come in all shapes and sizes. These flying monkeys’ will get involved in the shaming, smearing and bullying of a target. Again, scenarios differ; but the core reality here is that these people have become easily brainwashed to do the narcissist’s bidding. Yes, they do know that they are deliberately bullying the targeted individual; but they genuinely believe the target is at fault and deserves the abuse.
The hateful flying monkey that cyber stalks the victim, plays both sides of the fence, searches for private information to disclose about the victim, knows what they are doing. Do they know they have been manipulated, and brainwashed? No, they do not. The question is ‘do they care?.’ The answer is no, they don’t care.
Hateful flying monkeys are your snakes in the grass, and some of them are the equivalent to Hitler’s minions.
Children flying monkeys
Children do not know what they are doing, and they are under the vindictive spell of the narcissist. They are used as porns for the narcissistic parent to use in a game of chess, to checkmate the kinder parent. They are lied to about their parent, conned, and strategically manoeuvred. What happens to them is disgusting.
The sibling flying monkeys’ who know about the scapegoated child’s abuse
The sibling who never pulls the parent up on the terrible things being said about the scapegoated child is deliberately choosing to leave the scapegoat dangling over a metaphorical cliff. They are petrified of the narcissist, and they are their own number one.
Unfortunately these siblings’ are under the spell of mind control, and they all have one thing in common with their narcissistic abuser; they too are damaged and unwell. However, that being said, these flying monkeys’ are not good people. Good people do not sit in and listen to jokes about the scapegoat’s apparent emotional instability behind their backs.
Unfortunately adult scapegoat children of the narcissist often come to the conclusion that their siblings’ have no loyalty.
Do the psychopath’s flying monkeys’ know who the narcissist is?
It is very rare to find a flying monkey who knows the full extent of the narcissist. The healthy people who do, quickly realise the narcissist is a wolf, and relinquish all contact with the narcissist. Most flying monkey’s are so thoroughly manipulated by the narcissist that they honestly have no idea that they, the minions are acting like puppets on a string.
Always keep in mind that all fuel sources are assessed by the narcissist before the manipulations can begin. Flying monkeys’ are sourced for their naivety, insecurities, conforming behaviour, and predator pleasing traits. Narcissists’ deliberately choose people who will aid them in their unconscious onslaughts of targeted good people.
Everything is always your fault! Confrontations with this man or woman always leave your head swirling around for days at a time. The reason behind your argument, along with the contents, are often forgotten after you’ re either threatened with fists, raged at, or the argument is turned back around to you.
The light must always shine on you, and never ever on them.
You have married yourself a psychopath!
You walk on eggshells, your disputes are never resolved, and they quite often end in your psychopath raging. Your anxiety is eating you alive. You are always being accused of being the crazy one; and this relationship just makes you feel so damn bad about yourself.
So, you dive headfirst into therapy to sort yourself out. You are sure things will improve between you both once you get help.
Psychopaths put a lot of effort into destroying their victims! The games begin shortly after the love – bombing and adoration phase has been and gone.
A psychopath will subtly begin what is understood as the devaluation phase. Before you know it, this nut case will have whittled away at your self-esteem, just like a termite slowly ploughs through an entire house.
Than they will move into your social network, and find fault with each and every friend or family member.
Victims of psychopathy usually end up completely isolated, with nobody to turn to other than the psychopath.
Once psychopaths are finished with their victim, the victim’s self-esteem will have completely diminished. He or she will be completely destroyed from the years of mental abuse, mind games, and manipulation.
Psychopaths can only have dominant relationships. They must have complete control over their partner at all times – because in their mind the victim is not a separate being with individual thoughts, beliefs, and opinions. They are instead merely an extension of the psychopath.
A psychopath will pick his or her victim’s entire personality to pieces. The victim will most likely begin to feel as though they always make the wrong choice, always say the wrong thing, and stand up for themselves when they should just sit down and shut up.
If the victim has a problem with someone, the psychopath will always take the other person’s side. Psychopaths and narcissists must be in a position of superiority above their partner at all times.
The victim must never disagree with the psychopath’s opinions or decisions. If the psychopath is questioned, or asked to make some simple changes to improve their behaviour, the victim will be accused of criticising, controlling, or oppressing the psychopath.
Somehow the psychopath always evades responsibility, manipulates their way out of dicey situations, and convinces everyone around them that their actions, no matter how violent, were justifiable. Before you know it, he or she will have you convinced that we all get pushed to our limits sometimes.
The victim must always remember that the rules are constantly changing. There are rules for the victim, and rules for the psychopath. The psychopath can change the rules at anytime, and the rules are never in the victim’s favour. Rule number one is that the victim must always appear crazy.
A psychopathic male or female will convince the children that everything is always the other parent’s fault. They will even have the immediate family convinced that the victim has behavioural issues, and problems with anger management.
The psychopath will set the victim up to fail in front of people, and will push the victim’s buttons until they explode. Before the victim knows it, they will feel like everyone is against them. They are! The psychopath got in first, played the victim, and told everyone that his or her partner is the nutty one.
Victims of psychopathy often think
”if I could just pull myself together and behave appropriately, our relationship would be fine.”
Gas lighting is the most common way to erode a person’s reality. This is where the psychopath will hide things, and tell the victim that they lost them. Or, they must have put them somewhere else. Or, instead of admitting that they are an hour late, the victim will be told that they got the time wrong, not the psychopath.
This is one dangerous human being! Psychopaths control all of the information in family units. They are the puppet masters. They turn siblings against siblings, and children against the other parent. They are the creators of chaos where there once was none.
They are often your petty hustler, guru, fault finder, pathological liar, ex – husband or wife who sits quite comfortably on the spectrum of psychopathy. Most likely they exude extreme charm, kindness and charisma.
Survivors of psychopathy often feel anxious, disgusting and shaky. They can endure extreme panic attacks, paranoia and depression.
Keep in mind that once away from the psychopath, many victims of psychopathy do go on to live fulfilling lives. Victims do move onto happier, healthier, more stable partnerships. Happiness does come again!
However, some victims have been so traumatised that they may never enter a relationship again. For these men or women, the mere thought of a relationship can cause heart palpitations. Thoughts of intimacy, giving their heart to another, and trusting another person with their mental health, are thoughts these people would rather not have.
However, once you’ve been with a psychopath, you do become an expert in your field. You will know red flags to look out for. If it seems too good to be true, than it is. If your body is telling you something is wrong, listen to your gut and walk away.
Is your new partner is grandiose, have few friends, a lack of empathy, possible drug history, and behave like a guru? Are they self-indulgent, have a history of failed relationships, put others down all the time, and assure you that all of their exes are crazy?
Keep your eyes wide open! Wider than ever before. I don’t believe that wolves have taken over the entire forest. However, I do know that psychopaths target people with particular traits. If you’ve attracted one before, you could easily be a target for a psychopath, narcissist, or sociopath again. If something feels wrong, run!