Depending on the strain of narcissist, be they sociopathic, psychopathic, or just extremely malignant in their narcissism, a narcissistic ex can be extremely difficult to get away from – and even more difficult to co-parent with if they decide that their ex-partner is still an excellent fuel source.
Some narcissist’s sail off into the sunset, and want little to do with their ex and the children, whilst other narcissists’ behave as though they will melt into the earth itself, if they can no longer manipulate their ex into re-instating themselves as their narcissist’s primary source of supply.
Some weeks ago I stumbled upon the blog of a self-proclaimed narcissist, and sociopath – HG Tudor. After reading Tudor’s assessment of the narcissist’s relationship with their children, I now know that my assumptions made previously about the psychopath, sociopath, or narcissist’s relationship with the children, were right on the money.
The psychopath’s co-parenting relationship with their ex is not latched onto by the psychopath because the psychopath loves the children. Instead, the psychopath latches onto the co-parenting relationship with their ex for the sake of the fuel which can be extracted from the non-narcissistic parent because of the co-parenting relationship.
”Think of all of the possibilities a co-parenting relationship can provide for a born trouble maker. Hmmm, such a feeding ground.”
Malignant narcissists’ are parasitical in nature, and literally extract fuel from the people around them to feel uplifted, superior, grandiose, and free from emptiness.
Children are only extensions of the narcissist, and are often used in the co-parenting situation to antagonise the other parent, and to gain fuel from the parentally alienated parent through sadistic means.
The extremely malignant narcissist has very little interest in the children, if any. This breed of narcissist will agree to take the children overnight for three reasons.
For the more psychopathically inclined narcissist with weekend visitation, visiting the children is not actually about seeing the children at all. In fact, weekend visitation is actually about re-visiting the person whom was once the narcissist’s most conscientious and capable fuel supply. This person is the mouse that got away from the cat.
The narcissist will use the co-parenting situation as an opportunity to:
The psychopathic narcissist has no shame
It doesn’t matter how many times the psychopath is rejected by their ex, they will still use every opportunity possible relative to the co-parenting situation, to manipulate the non-narcissistic parent into spending time with them.
The best option for the non-narcissistic parent in regard to changeover?
It is extremely time consuming dealing with a psychopathic ex. The best option for the non-narcissistic parent in regard to changeover is to get a family member or friend to change the children over. Changeover with a psychopath hell bent on spending time with a non-narcissistic parent, provoking the other parent, or extracting fuel will never work. In the mind of the psychopath, a previous fuel source in a room with them for any amount of time is simply a sparkly object to be hoovered, and to extract fuel from.
Harassment from a narcissist
The psychopath whom is determined to spend time with their ex non- narcissist believes they own them. This is the ex that begs the non-narcissistic parent to get back together with them again and again, over and over again (hundreds of times), no matter how many times the non-narcissist has informed the narcissistic individual that this is just never going to happen.
What happens during changeover?
The narcissist will hit the non-narcissist up for support, begging them to hang out with them while they take the children out, claiming they need their support for any number of reasons. The narcissist will invite the parent to endless events, changeover after changeover, and may even turn up to the other parent’s favourite hang out or coffee shop with the children, sit down opposite the non-narcissistic parent, and order themselves a coffee during visitation with their children. At every opportunity the psychopathic narcissist will also quiz the non-narcissistic parent about their private sexual affairs.
The psychopathic narcissist will most definitely invite themselves into their ex partner’s home during changeover, and will use any excuse to come into the household, including the excuse that they need to use the toilet. Next thing the ex-partner knows is that their narcissist is switching the kettle on, pulling out two cups from the cupboard, and is asking their ex if they still take their tea or coffee the same way they used to.
This stream of narcissist will not take no for an answer, and will beg and beg and beg to spend time with the other parent, until of course, the non-narcissistic parent puts a stop to it. If the information coming from the object of interests mouth doesn’t align with what the psychopath wants and needs, than the information does not become processed by the psychopath’s brain.
What happens when the narcissist is asked to leave the ex partner’s home?
If the narcissist is asked to leave the non-narcissistic parent’s home, than the narcissist will inevitably make a big scene, try to turn the children against the other parent as they walk out the door, blame the non-narcissistic parent for the altercation that has taken place, and will bag them out to the kids all day long, convincing the children that they are not a bully, and that mummy or daddy should be nicer to them.
Question: How long can this behaviour from the psychopath go on for?
Answer: This behaviour can go on for years. The psychopathic narcissist does not take no for answer.
The obsessed narcissistic parent will stalk their ex, harass them, call them endlessly for no particular reason, and in time, things may get so bad, or so emotionally overwhelming, that changeovers may need to be done at the police station. And, yes, the non-narcissistic parent will be punished for cutting off contact, and for not allowing the narcissist to pick the children up from their home anymore.
What does the narcissistic parent do to pay the non-narcissistic back for cutting contact?
Why are they doing this to you? They own you! In the malignant narcissist’s mind you are an extension of them, and you must never try to get away. If you do, there will be hell to pay. If you get a partner early on in the piece there will be even more hell to pay.
Will they always taunt me?
Yes, the narcissistic parent will always taunt the non-narcissistic parent to some degree. As the years go by the incidents may become few and far between; yet, every now and again, the narcissist will drop a nasty emotional bomb on their non-narcissistic ex, just so as they can visualise from a distance the emotional effect their revenge is having on them. Behaving abusively from a distance is still fuel to be extracted in the narcissistic parent’s mind.
The end result? If the non-narcissistic parent (whom may well be suffering from PTSD by the time the narcissist backs off) weathers the storm throughout this particularly frightening time in their lives, and refuses to be the narcissistic parent’s fuel supply, the narcissist will eventually tire of trying to manipulate, and guilt the non-narcissistic parent into reinstating themselves as the narcissist’s primary fuel source.
It is a long emotional ride for the non-narcissistic parent. However, if the non-narcissistic parent stands their ground, and refuses to engage with the narcissist as much as they possibly can, the narcissist will eventually begin to lose interest in the co-parenting relationship, and the children themselves, which may be the best outcome for everybody involved.
If the non-narcissistic parent batons down the hatches, the narcissist will have no other choice but to find fuel elsewhere.
The enabling mother or father of a narcissistic parent is also personality disordered, and in fact, a secondary abuser, because they keep their child in an absolute torture chamber. The failure of the parent to support the child when in desperate need of release from the narcissistic situation, suggests that the enabling parent’s needs mean more to the parent, than the needs of the child.
The sad reality about enablers’ is that many enabling parents are in actual fact, the kinder parent to the scapegoat child, and to the other children as well. However, the true enabler is a mixed bag; and sometimes this parent can be downright horrible to their children.
How does the scapegoat child feel about the enabling parent?
In adult – hood, the scapegoat child doesn’t know how to feel about the enabling parent. They know that the parent appeared to care for them more-so than the narcissist, and even attempted to protect them from severe abuse at times. However, in the scapegoat child’s eyes the enabler didn’t do enough; and much of the time, gaining support from the enabling parent was like playing a game of lotto. It may happen, or it may not. Support from enabler’s can often depend on their emotions at the time.
For the scapegoat, the scenario goes something like this: the parent may support them today when the narcissist calls them a ‘bitch’ for no reason, or they may not.
The hardest issue for the scapegoated adult – child in this mess fueled by narcissism, is the reality that the enabler also scapegoated their own child at times too, when they decided to side with the narcissist, and to engage in blaming the scapegoat for absolutely everything that was going wrong in the family.
The enabling parent enhances the scapegoat’s fear that they are crazy. Instead of validating the child, and telling them they are not the crazy one, they often unconsciously support the narcissist by defending their sick perception of the scapegoat, which is not real, was never real, and will never be real.
The confusion for the children of the enabler
The adult – children with an enabling parent want to love this parent. After all, they did pay for the private school fees, organise braces, dental appointments and swimming lessons; things that otherwise would most likely not have happened if the child was left in the narcissist’s care without the enabling parent. They want to love this parent that often asked the narcissist to stop calling the child names, hugged and held the child, told them they loved them, and appeared to honestly cherish this child here and there.
However, the emotional conflict the scapegoat child goes through in relation to the enabling parent, is pure mental anguish, because yes, the enabling parent really was the only parent to the child, this is true. However,ultimately they decided not to protect this child when deciding to stay in the situation with the child, instead of leaving the parent with the child.
Where it becomes very complex for children with an enabling parent, is that the enabler is often the kindest parent, the most placid, and the reason why the child wasn’t ultimately destroyed by the narcissist. The enabling parent showed the child some love, which may very well be the reason they came out the other side. However, this parent is also the reason why the child became destroyed in so many other ways, and now struggles terribly in adulthood.
The scapegoat’s overall analysis of the enabler is that they were part of the abuse, and did the wrong thing.
The enabler panders to the narcissist
The enabler panders to the narcissist, tries to keep them happy, and will even become a part of the abuse of the children, if it means the narcissist will get off the enabling parents back. At the end of the day, they are the narcissist’s sidekick, soldier in the narcissist’s army, and thoroughly perpetuate the bullying epidemic even further.
Enabling parents tend to expect support from the children to help to contain the difficult situation, and the narcissist’s rage. They expect the child to make the narcissist happy, to keep them content, and to make sure the narcissist feels admired, special and cared about all the time. In situations such as these, the enabler will perpetuate the abuse by having unusually high standards of the child; and will expect the child to show the narcissist the utmost respect, even when the narcissist is not respecting the child.
The enabling parent will not meet the child on their own emotional level, validate the child, and walk away from the narcissist.
The enabler’s view of the situation
However, the enabler is not going to see it this way. The enabler can be very kind, is terribly loyal to the narcissist, and has an extreme amount of empathy for the damaged person that the narcissist has become. So they dismiss the narcissist’s behaviour, apologise for their abuse, and downplay the abuse for reasons of self-preservation.
The enabler often feels reliant on the narcissist, isolated in their abuse, and as though they are going crazy.
We must not forget that in all of this mess, the enabler has also been incredibly mentally damaged, manipulated, and brainwashed by the narcissist. Sometimes they simply shut down.
The enabler’s favourite phrase: forgive and forget
A lot of enablers’ play down the abuse, tell the children to toughen up, and to forgive the narcissist.
This reality questions the enabler’s ability to access real empathy. Is the enabler truly empathetic at all? After-all, while their child is being denigrated, the enabler watches, says ‘don’t be so sensitive now, forgive and forget,’ and continues on.
To have empathy is to be able to see, and to feel through the eyes, and heart of another.
The enabler is stuck in the vortex with the narcissist and their children. They allow horrific emotional abuse to occur, and become a flying monkey to the narcissist instead of supporting the child. Enablers are renowned for pushing the child to maintain their relationship with the abusive parent later on in life, even after the child realises that they have been the victim of serious mental abuse.
The enabler as the perfect victim for the narcissist
The enabler is the perfect victim for the narcissist. Enabler’s are often quiet, easy to talk to, very placid, and appear to have a lot of empathy. They also lack confidence, second guess themselves, don’t listen to their gut, and don’t believe in themselves.
What keeps the enabler in the home with the narcissist?
The enabler may be acting out on family patterns. They may have had an enabling parent, and a narcissistic parent.
The enabler may believe that there is no point in leaving because if they do leave, the narcissist will make their life a living hell. It is very likely the enabler would need to get an AVO out on their narcissist if they left.
Some enablers’ are not concerned in the slightest about the abuse of the children, and are happy to stay with an abuser for the sake of their comfort pleasures, and the financial growth that has been achieved while with the narcissist.
Scapegoated children of narcissistic parents will often reinvent their own child-hood trauma by choosing severely personality disordered partners with either narcissistic, sociopathic, schizoid, or psychopathic traits. Individuals with severe personality disordered traits will scapegoat anybody with whom they become involved with, because these personality types will not take responsibility for their own behaviour.
The scapegoat only knows one type of relationship, and that is the scapegoat/ narcissistic relationship – which they originally played out with their narcissistic parent. The development of this relationship between the parent and the child became an investment in the narcissist’s eyes. An investment which would deflect from their own shortcomings by blaming someone else.
Why does the scapegoat reinvent their own trauma?
Lets take a look at the relationship between the narcissistic parent and the scapegoat child to find the answer to this question.
The narcissistic parent ‘murdered,’ and ‘annihilated’ the scapegoat’s soul. It is not unusual for the narcissistic parent to tell neighbours, work colleagues, all of the siblings, the pastor, the pastor’s wife, aunty’s and uncles, and the man down the road, that their child, ‘ the scapegoat,’ is crazy.
Why does the narcissistic parent do this?
Because the scapegoat had the audacity to correct the narcissist, and to challenge the family system. This isn’t always the reason, and reasons vary. However, this is a common reason why the narcissist will set out to destroy the scapegoat. Any slight, or the smallest of criticisms will send the narcissist into panic mode, through fear of being exposed.
The scapegoat has been trained since birth to believe that every thing negative that goes on inside of the relationships with their family members, is in actual fact, the scapegoat’s fault. If one of the children hits the scapegoat, the scapegoat is at fault. If the scapegoat hits the other child when the child called them a name, than the scapegoat is at fault. If the scapegoat calls the sibling a name, and the sibling hits them, the scapegoat is still at fault.
The scapegoat is shamed daily. Things are said to the scapegoat that will never be said to the other children; and these phrases have the capacity to put the child into a state of inconceivable mental anguish.
The above examples are core reasons as to why the scapegoat reinvents their trauma, and unknowingly gravitates towards people who will scapegoat them.
Example phrases of the types of things that get said to the scapegoat, and about the scapegoat behind the scapegoat’s back:
Why does the scapegoat become scapegoated again?
In adulthood the scapegoat goes out into the world and often chooses a partner exhibiting all of the scapegoat’s narcissistic parent’s traits. However, because the scapegoat child hasn’t unpacked the emotional baggage carried from childhood, and sorted each wound out one by one, they won’t be able to recognise potential red flags presented to them. These same red flags presented to them in childhood, were the adult child’s normal.
By the time the scapegoat forms a relationship with a narcissist they no longer believe their own perception of events, and are no longer confident in their assessment of people. The scapegoat’s perceptions of situations have always been invalidated by their narcissistic parent, and family of origin. Whenever they’ve had a problem in this family unit, they have become the problem. So, when problems in their relationships with controlling people begin to occur, the scapegoat blames themselves, and persists in these relationships to no avail.
The scapegoat has been brainwashed by their entire family into believing that they have it all wrong. They have been convinced by the narcissist, their siblings, and the narcissist’s minions, that if they could just change everything about them, then their relationships with the entire family would improve. These beliefs that the scapegoat has about themselves leads them to people please, and to seek approval from dangerous types.
The terribly sad thing is that the scapegoat was right all along, even at the tender age of ten.
In what state does a scapegoat enter a relationship?
The scapegoat doesn’t know what a healthy relationship is like. They have come out the other side of their childhood with poor boundary function, and have come to accept unacceptable behaviour as the norm.
The scapegoat enters their relationships with a huge vulnerability.
What happens in the scapegoat’s intimate relationships?
The scapegoat often becomes involved with partners whom fail to take responsibility for their own behaviour, blame everybody else, and will always revert the responsibility for the problems within the relationship, back onto the scapegoat – whom often accepts all responsibility, and apologises when they shouldn’t, because of their own detrimental beliefs about self.
The scapegoat continues to try to fix the relationship by trying to fix themselves; all in hope that if they can just fix themselves, the relationship will work. It is not unusual for the scapegoat to go from narcissistic relationship to narcissistic relationship, being scapegoated by people whom have no issue blaming the scapegoat for their own shortcomings.
Some scapegoats will stay in the relationship way past its expiry date, and may even go out with a big bang (due to emotional overload) appearing as the crazy one – again. The scapegoat’s partners will most likely do to the scapegoat exactly what their narcissistic parent did to them – blame shift, and smear the scapegoat’s name with lies, and half truths. However, the perpetrator will never own up to what they did. Instead, they will only share with their minions what the scapegoat’s reaction was to absolute crazy-making, gas-lighting, and goading.
The scapegoat perpetuates their own inner wounds and self-hatred through their continuous liaisons with these kinds of perpetrators.
Why does the scapegoat continue to go from scapegoating relationship to scapegoating relationship?
The scapegoat will often enter a relationship with another personality disordered individual because they are unaware of their own attachment blue – print, which encourages them to gravitate towards narcissists’.
Until they do the recovery programme, and actually sit down with a professional therapist to discuss their relationship patterns, the scapegoat will remain in a fog type state; and will continue to blame themselves for everything that goes wrong in their future relationships.
It usually takes a few failed relationships exhibiting the same pattern before the scapegoat goes in search of answers.
The scapegoat will continue on in this pattern of destructive relationships until they accept that they are not at fault for everything, not responsible for the perpetrator’s behaviour, that they are not bad, and that they have a right to normal, healthy, loving relationships.
Scapegoats walk into relationships with a murdered soul. They often have zero confidence, no self – belief, and are a sitting duck for a crazy maker.
What happens to someone who never learned to trust?
Confuses intensity with intimacy: The scapegoat feels completely unlovable. So when a psychopath, or narcissist comes into the picture and love bombs the scapegoat, they don’t see this as a red flag, because they don’t know whats normal and whats not. Instead they mistake love – bombing as someone finally appreciating them.
Confuses Obsession with care: The scapegoat has been yearning for someone to actually like them, and see some good in them since they were born. When someone cannot get enough of them, they don’t see a problem with this. Its actually quite flattering to a scapegoat. However, a healthy person would run a mile.
Confuses control with intimacy: Before meeting a partner, a scapegoated individual can feel out of touch with themselves, and as though their life is out of control. Their own parent never took the reigns. To someone whom has never been loved, controlling behaviour can come across to an abuse survivor as love, not control.
The difference between the scapegoat and healthy people
Healthy people who grew up in families with healthy boundaries know the personality types to stay away from. These people know not to engage a drug addicted person, someone who drinks too much, a person with a history of violence, or a person who refuses to take responsibility for their behaviour. They know what they want in life, and they won’t settle for less.
Healthy people are confident, and they have self-love. If they notice a huge character floor, they are self – assured enough to know that the person the character floor belongs to has a screw loose – not them. The healthy person listens to their intuition, whereas the scapegoat tells their intuition to go away, and convinces themselves that they are the one with the problem, not the perpetrator.
Healthy people also know their limits. They know that someone who loves them would not deliberately go out of their way to push others to emotional extremes; whereas the scapegoat has only ever had close relationships with people who push the scapegoat to emotional extremes. A healthy person can pick a crazy maker from a mile away.
Scapegoated children are trained to accept that their perception of the narcissist is wrong, that their intuition is incorrect, and that the narcissist’s treatment of them is acceptable. Unfortunately, the scapegoat may re-enact their abuse by choosing a partner very similar to their parent.