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Thou shalt honour thy mother and father……..What? But what if they’re a malignant narcissist

Deuteronomy 5:16  (KJV) King James Version: ‘Honour thy father and thy mother as the LORD hath commanded thee; that thy days may be prolonged, and that it may go well with thee, in the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.’

This opinion piece is written in honour of the religiously indoctrinated scapegoat adult child of a narcissist; or any family scapegoat who cannot seem to relinquish the tremendous amount of guilt they feel because they cannot be in contact with their emotionally dangerous parent; a psychological abuser whose intention is to destroy their adult child’s reputation within the family unit through the use of pathological lying and projection. This parent does not love their child. Instead they love the negative effect they have on their adult child, and the chaos they can create through them.

It is often simply too emotionally dangerous for a scapegoat child, or scapegoat children (there is often more than one) in a narcissistic family unit to spend any time with their narcissistic parent. Even five minutes is too long. Any attempt at contact; one minute or five, is an opportunity for the narcissist to project their disowned parts onto the targeted adult child, or children.

In the narcissist’s mind the family scapegoat truly is a bad person. This child has been given a gift. They are the more emotionally sensitive child, which is why they have the ability to see straight through the narcissist. This makes them a prime target for dangerous narcissistic projections. The child has challenged the hyper-sensitive narcissists authority, which immediately makes them bad in their parent’s eyes. All of the narcissist’s disowned inadequacies now belong to the child that dared to see through them. The narcissist will now manipulate the rest of the family into taking on their skewed perception of the scapegoat.

If the narcissist has an anger management problem, they will label the scapegoat child as a child with an anger management problem. If the narcissistic mother or father has a habit of being ruthless, hard, and cruel, than this is how he or she will view their scapegoat child. If the narcissist is a thief, the child is a thief. If the narcissist is an alcoholic; the child may be told that they are destined for alcoholism themselves. If the narcissist is promiscuous, the scapegoat will most likely be accused of being promiscuous in adulthood. If the narcissist has stolen their friend’s husband or wife, they may accuse an adult child of doing the same thing, even though it’s an outright lie (I’ve witnessed this doozy).

If the child catches the narcissist out in a lie and exposes it, the narcissist may claim that the child is a pathological liar (I’ve witnessed this one too). This narcissist will now disown that part of him or herself and make this a part of the child’s personality. If they can convince themselves and everyone around them that the child is the liar and not them, than they can feel ok about themselves and avoid a narcissistic injury.

Ultimately, once a parent sees you as all bad, it is never ever going to stop. A narcissistic parent will continue to disown their badness and project it onto the scapegoat all the way up until their last breath. So, in a lot of cases, ‘No Contact’ is the only way out of this mess for a family scapegoat.

The narcissist couldn’t care less about this child. They don’t care if projecting onto the child destroys their child’s reputation, friendships, or life. As long as they can relinquish ownership of their stuff, and make it their child’s, so they don’t have to face it, they couldn’t care less about the ramifications. If the child dies of toxic shame; well, so be it.

Indoctrination

The problem with the fourth commandment, ‘honour thy mother and father’ is that there is no exception to the rule; no clause explaining the conditions of the commandment, or other options applied in brackets for special circumstances. It is plain as day. In biblical terms you must honour your mother and father, and that is that.

Even though it is also made quite clear in the bible that we should under no circumstances affiliate with toxic people, the fundamentalist Christians still insist that a child, no matter how abused they have been, have some form of contact with an abusive parent – even if its very minor.

‘If you can’t go over to your parents house without police involvement, well just send them flowers or a birthday card’ (I don’t think so).

The Christian narcissist, who pretends to do the will of God loves this commandment. They pull this one out of the bag at any given opportunity; all while behaving abusively towards their children day in day out. There will be no reaping what you sow in the Christian narcissist’s mind. They’re far too entitled for consequences.

The Christian narcissist knows all too well that by misinterpreting this commandment, and instilling their thwarted views in the minds of their children, that the fear of God will force them into the role of dutiful child. This of course will surely make sure that the Christian narcissist has a lifetime of narcissistic supply, and ongoing sources of chaos; these sources being their adult children, who by this stage are too scared not to honour their dangerous parent, through fear that God will most definitely get them for disobeying him.

This bible verse really has been the bane of my ‘no contact’ journey, and still is to some degree. It is open to interpretation; which makes it somewhat dangerous in the hands of the wrong person.

Is the family scapegoat expected by God to still honour their abusive parent in such a way that debilitates them emotionally and reduces them to a sad, humiliated five-year old every-time they have contact with this dangerous person? Of course not! However, for an indoctrinated scapegoat, guilt over this commandment is often a given.

If somebody makes your body physically sick every time you have contact with them, than in my mind, that is God telling you to stay away. Should we really feel an obligation to adhere to biblical scripture if we honestly think that contact with our abusive parent has the potential to kill us? No, I do not think God would want this. However, some clarification would be nice.

The contradiction

I have spent many years wondering what God thinks of me. I have wondered often if he understands my situation, and actually understands the horror I’ve been put through because of narcissistic abuse.  During my ‘no contact’ journey I’ve read the bible a lot in search of answers. It’s all I’ve had at times.

It is not the bible verses or commandments that floor me so much. Instead it is the expectations many fully indoctrinated, fundamentalist Christians who have never experienced narcissistic abuse, have of the abused adult children of their narcissistic friends. Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors. Whatever happened to ‘thou shalt not judge.’

I refuse to spend any time with a parent that doesn’t love me, just to fulfil a biblical obligation which I believe is really referring to parents deserving of their adult child’s respect; the ones who have fulfilled their parental obligations. For those who haven’t. Well, they will reap what they sow.

My favourite bible verses are the verses advocating against abuse. 

Bible verses warning against toxic people

  • ‘Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person. Do not associate with one easily angered.’ Proverbs 22:24 ESV
  • A dishonest man spreads strife, and a whisperer separates close friends.’ Proverbs 16:28 ESV
  • ‘For lack of wood the fire goes out, and where there is no whisperer, quarrelling ceases.’ Proverbs: 26:20 ESV
  • ‘If a kingdom is divided against itself, the kingdom cannot stand.’ Mark 3:24 ESV
  • ‘It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman.’ Proverbs 21:19 ESV
  • ‘I appeal to you brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and create obstacles contrary to the doctrine that you have been taught; avoid them.’ Romans 16:17 ESV
  • ‘Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I have not come to bring peace but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter against her mother- in -law. And a persons enemies will be those within their own household.’ Matthew 10:34:36 ESV
  • ‘Better is a dinner of herbs where love is, than a fattened ox and hatred with it.’ Proverbs 15:17

So what happens when all the above is your parent? The bible is openly telling us to stay away from anybody with the above qualities. Does this include parents?

Well according to Catholic Psychologist Dr Raymond Richmond, it does.

Dr Richmond writes ”So what really happens when parents don’t really want the good of their children? What happens when parents constantly criticise their children, abuse them, and essentially stifle any good that the children could achieve? In short, what happens in dysfunctional families when parents don’t really love their children but manipulate and control them? Well, parents such as this don’t love their children because they don’t love God either. These parents have broken the first commandment, and, to their children, that ,makes them enemies, not parents worthy of being honoured.’

Does God want us to honour dangerous parents in such a way that will directly affect our mental health? No! Patricia Jones (M.A) author for Dove Christian counselling states that Jesus openly tells us ‘to have nothing to do with wicked and toxic people.’ He tells us to ‘dust off our shoes and leave that town’ if we are not being treated with love and respect.

These are my beliefs too. Sometimes you have to cut contact with the old school Christians who feel that it is ok to judge you for a choice that wasn’t really your choice. It was your parent’s choice. They created this situation, not you.

Its heartbreaking to know that you cannot be there for a parent because of their skewed perception of you, and their desire to destroy you. The choice to go ‘no contact’ is never made lightly, and it hurts like hell.

 

 

 

 

Parental alienation in the family home

Alienating one’s husband or wife inside of the family home is a huge breach of trust, and can have a potentially devastating effect on the alienated parent, and the children. To talk about the mother or father of your children negatively, to pathologise the alienated parent’s behaviour, or to turn your children against the alienated parent, and then deny having ever conversed with the children about the alienated parent in the first place, is crazy-making behaviour.

Psychopaths, narcissists, and sociopaths are dangerous people. They destroy entire families, and people in numbers. Put a psychopath in a harmonious situation, and people will suddenly begin to hate one another. Psychopaths, narcissists and sociopaths have absolutely no empathy, a lack of emotion, and will cross their husband or wife, children, cousins’, brothers’ and sisters’ at the drop of a hat.

How does the alienating parent think?

In the mind of an alienating parent with a severe personality disorder, their family members are merely extensions of themselves. This means that they must believe, do or say, as the narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath believes, does or says. Without complete control over the entire family unit, the severely personality disordered parent feels dumbfounded, confused, and disorientated.

Narcissists must have all of the attention in the room, endless amounts of sympathy, and constant adoration from their partner and children. These people have a deeply ingrained desire to divide and conquer, and to triangulate against anybody who challenges them. Divide and conquer will ensure that this parent remains the victim at all times.

Alienating parents’ cannot share attention and adoration. In the mind of an alienating parent, the alienated parent is their biggest threat and overall competition.

The alienated parent’s lack of awareness

A lot of alienated parents’ don’t understand the extent to which they have been alienated by the other parent until they leave the family home. They know deep down that something is up, and often feel as though they don’t have the alienating parent’s full support. However, it is unlikely that they are fully aware of just how much their children have been brainwashed right underneath their noses.

Some alienated parents’ are so fooled by the personality disordered parent’s false persona, that they may not find out the real reason why their children have been disrespecting them so badly for so many years, until one of the children decides to expose the alienating parent twenty years down the track.

Why does the personality disordered parent alienate the other parent?

The psychopathic, narcissistic or sociopathic parental alienator cannot handle any criticism from anybody, including the alienated parent. They can dish it out, but they can’t take it. As soon as someone says one thing to the alienating parent, they truly cannot handle it and will turn everybody against their new target. Psychopaths’ must have complete control over the people they have relationships with.

In marriage and partnerships with a psychopath, solving problems is very difficult. If you have a problem with a personality disordered individual, you often become the problem.

The alienating parent will not own any of their bad behaviours. Everything is everybody else’s fault. Every time the alienating parent is asked to accept responsibility for their own behaviour, they will turn the situation back around onto the alienated parent.

The simplest of criticisms or signs of discontent from the alienated parent will threaten the alienating parent’s sense of self. The smallest criticism will leave the alienated parent confused, and facing a serious narcissistic injury. This will drive the narcissistic parent to compete with the other parent to prove that they are more superior, grand, and far more deserving of all of the love and attention in the room, than their inferior spouse, who they now see as unfit, and in need of lessons on how to be a parent.

Boredom and the psychopath:

Psychopaths’ will alienate for a number of reasons. Some of them do it because they are bored. Simple as that! They must feed off others emotions, and must invoke strong emotions in others for their own pleasure and mental stimulation.

The drama they create amongst all of the family members will give them a role to play. This role may be healer, protector, or good guy who has come in to save the day and resolve all of the fighting (which they have set up through tactics such as divide and conquer) between siblings, or mother and child; when in fact the opposite is true.

The psychopath sees the children as objects to use to abuse the kinder parent.

The family unit is the perfect arena for a psychopath. In the eyes of the psychopath, a family is a perfect place to set up their stage, and to begin the performances. As the director of the play, they will choose the actors’, the roles the actors’ will play, and the role they will play. The psychopath will play the martyr, victim, abused mother or father and mistreated soul. From now on the psychopath will never be without emotional food.

This quest for drama will ensure that the psychopath will idealise, devalue, and discard the alienated parent over and over again. When they are done with the parent, they will then start on the children.

The effects of parental alienation on the alienated parent and their children:

Parental alienation is a severe form of abuse that destroys children internally for a lifetime, as well as the alienated parent. Children are manipulated by their parent into mistreating the kinder parent. Their childhood is filled with drama and mistrust. They are used as pawns in a game. They have been lied to about the parent that they love, and their relationship with this parent may remain severely impacted well into adulthood.

The parental alienator is a selfish pathological liar, who would cut the children loose at the drop of a hat; especially if they expose the psychopath. Destroying other people’s relationships is a game to this parent.

The psychopath as master of illusion:

Prior to the relationship with the alienated parent, the psychopath will have preened and polished a false persona to their liking, by emulating the qualities of many, in the hope of pulling the persona off and hiding the monster underneath.  With this new persona, they will delude their new target, and manipulate their way into the life of their soon to be, mother or father of the future children.

With an incredible amount of self-control, the psychopath will temporarily paint over the cracks, in true master of illusion style. The psychopath will mirror the victim, and will begin to copy the victim’s kind empathetic nature, as a way to manipulate, and hoover in their victim.

Once the psychopath is married, the cracks in the paintwork will begin to show, and the faulty foundation will begin to crumble. The cognitively dissonant partner will suddenly see the red flags everywhere. However, they will most likely continue on in the relationship hoping that the psychopath will make some changes in regard to some huge character floors.

The psychopath’s carefully formulated false persona, their ability to change personalities quickly, and to temporarily emulate kindness, empathy, love, forgiveness and remorse, will keep this partner engaged in the relationship, and living in hope of change.

Common red flags of a severely personality disordered person: 

Narcissists sociopaths and psychopaths all have one thing in common. They must be superior to everybody in their company.

Nitpicking, bagging everybody out, raging, accusations that everyone else is crazy, no real relationships, and a long list of broken relationships is a dead give away that this person may one day be the same person who will portray their spouse as the primary problem in the family.

Psychopath as a pathological liar:

Every-time the alienated parent asks the psychopath if they have been talking about them to the children, they will deny the accusation. I have known of psychopaths who have stayed in denial even after one of their children has come forward and confirmed the alienated parent’s accusations.

Gas-lighting:

Gas-lighting is a form of manipulation through persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying in an attempt to destabilise the victim. Its intent is to sow seeds of doubt in the target hoping to make them question their own memory, perception, and sanity.

For example: The alienated parent will notice the considerable change in the children’s behaviour towards them, and may even sense that the alienating parent is causing trouble. However, they won’t be able to prove it, and may even begin to feel as though they are going crazy.

10 ways the alienating parent alienates the other parent?

Good cop, bad cop: Some psychopaths will play good cop, bad cop. They will want their children to see them as a good guy, the parent with no boundaries, the fun parent, and the parent who complains in front of the children that the alienated parent is too strict.

This parent will often pretend to be the more lenient, relaxed parent, who lets the children stay up late, doesn’t discipline the children, and doesn’t expect any respect from the children. This is all a part of the plan though and serves a purpose for when the psychopath decides to play the victim. This is when they will complain about what bad children they have, and just how out of control their children really are.

However, in the meantime, the children will be driven to think that the alienated parent is too strict, annoying, the problem in the family, and the reason they have rules and boundaries.

Swapping between ‘real self’ and ‘false self’ :

The psychopath’s false – self  comes out in front of the parent, and their real-self comes out in front of the children.

For example:  Psychopath tells alienated parent they are going to go into their teenager’s room to discuss the teenager’s disrespect of the alienated parent. Instead, the alienating parent goes into the bedroom and says:

‘You know your father has anger management issues, you need to learn to ignore him.’

It is through this form of parental alienation that the alienated parent will begin to feel as though they are going crazy.

By making the children feel sorry for them:

Severely personality disordered people want their children to feel sorry for them.

For example: If the alienated parent is upset with the psychopath for undermining them in front of their children, and speaks up about it in their own defence, the psychopath will suddenly feign victimhood, and put on a performance. Instead of apologising, resolving the problem, or taking any responsibility for their behaviour, they will use their body language to provoke a reaction from the children.

They may shrug their shoulders, or become silent and droopy. The psychopath will pull this trick out of the box daily; and in time the children will learn to interpret the alienating parent’s body language as the cue to intervene in the argument, and to stand up for the alienating parent.

Public humiliation in front of the children:

Example: Psychopath is about to get in the car and go surfing. Alienated parent asks the psychopath if they can look after the children instead, because the alienated parent has suddenly come down with a vomiting bug.

Parental alienator points at the parent and screams at the top of their lungs: ‘Look what your doing now. This is what you always do. You aren’t sick. Look kids, your mother isn’t sick.’ Looks around to make sure the kids are watching. ‘This is what your mother does when she doesn’t want me to go surfing. Are you watching kids? Take note.’ Psychopath rolls their eyes, and storms off, leaving the alienated parent to vomit for hours while the children are watching television.

Disagreeing with the alienated parent about issues to do with the children in front of the children:

Psychopathic types are renowned for starting arguments in front of the children, about the children. Instead of asking the alienated parent to come outside to discuss an issue which has arisen about the children, or a difference of opinion about the children, the parent will involve the child in the issue, or even defend the child’s inappropriate actions towards the alienated parent in front of the alienated parent.

 

Constant put downs of the alienated parent in front of the children:

‘You’re so paranoid.’

‘You really do have behavioural problems don’t you?’

‘Your anger is a number ten. You really do need to watch that.’

‘No wonder the children are frightened of you.’

‘Give you an inch and you’ll take a mile.’

‘Why do our children need to ask if they can eat some of your lollies?’

‘Why does she have to clean her room up now? Can’t you just relax?’

Shows the children personal messages from the other parent:

Parental alienators’ have no issue with showing the children private messages or emails between parents’, and they will deliberately leave the phone on speaker if the alienated parent is going to be slightly distressed on the phone.

Example: Alienated parent writes a text message to alienating parent:

‘Can you please hurry and come home. You said you would be  home in an hour, and that was three hours ago.’

The alienating parent will show the child the message, and claim that the alienated parent is being controlling and difficult.

Example: Alienated parent rings the alienating parent and is immediately placed on loud speaker so as the children can hear the conversation, unbeknown to the alienated parent.

Alienated parent says sternly: ‘I told you I have an appointment to go to and your running late. I have told you a thousand times over that i cannot be late.’

Alienating parent gets off the phone, rolls their eyes, looks really sad, and says to the children.

‘Did you hear how your father speaks to me.’

Alienated parent must not show any emotion: The alienated parent is picked to bits. They cannot raise their voice, cannot show anger, and is never allowed to be sad, hurt, or disgruntled about anything the psychopath does. If so, the alienating parent will inform the children that any emotion the alienated parent has is a sure sign of a character floored person. 

The behaviour of the child towards the alienated parent:

Children living in this environment often end up triangulating against the alienated parent, and will often claim that they have come to the conclusion on their own that there is something wrong with the alienated parent.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Do the narcissist’s flying monkeys’ know who the narcissist really is?

The most common question asked by scapegoated adult children, alienated parents, and ex- partners who are suffering from narcissistic abuse syndrome is;

‘do the flying monkeys’ ever see the narcissist or psychopath for who they really are?’

I too have watched from the sidelines as my narcissist’s flying monkeys’ have flocked around the narcissist, and supported a sick, deranged being – whom we all know is a liar, triangulator, thief, predator, and a fake, at the expense of the true victim or victims’. The narcissistic situation is one of the few situations in life where the true victim is left alone to recover from what could often be described as a complete nervous breakdown, while the narcissist feigns victimhood, and presents as the person being targeted.

I too have wanted retribution and validation. I have also wanted those same flying monkeys’ that have worked for the narcissist to apologise, to come to their senses, to realise that they have been conned, and to understand that they do not know the ins and outs of what has actually gone down.

”Guess what? It ain’t going to happen. Or at least, not for a very long time.”

Why? Well there are two reasons.

Number one: The narcissist is a con artist, a master manipulator, deflector, love bomber and emulator.

Number two:  The flying monkeys’ are often judgemental, easily manipulated, fall for tall stories, don’t have personal boundaries, and believe whatever they are told. A lot of flying monkeys’ are enabling types, abuse apologists, want something from the narcissist, believe that the target holding the narcissist accountable should just get on with it, forget that they were publicly humiliated, ganged up on and smeared – let it go, and forgive.

From my experience, flying monkeys’ exist because a target has challenged the narcissist in some way, and the narcissist feels criticised. Criticism is a fate worse then death for a narcissist, and is the very reason why narcissists’ have flying monkeys. 95% of flying monkeys’ have two things in common – they all believe in the false persona, and they can’t mind their own business.

Truth tellers, whistleblowers, scapegoated children, and exes, are always portrayed as the crazy one to the narcissist’s flying monkeys’. As soon as the victims tries to hold the narcissist accountable for their actions, the narcissist will deny what they have done to the victim. This is called gas lighting. If the narcissist cannot have complete control over every aspect of your mind, they will lie about you, and will try to control other people’s perception of you. Narcissists’ describe victims of abuse as unhinged, and out of touch with reality so as they can avoid accountability. Once the narcissist realises you are on to them, and they can’t control your opinion, the smear campaign begins.

The narcissist does not want to be found out for being the fake that they truely are. This would mean they would have no choice but to face their false self, and fess up to their disgusting deeds.Where there is a lack of responsibility, there will always be scapegoats’ and flying monkeys’.

How do healthy people handle gossip?

Healthy human beings often listen to the gossip, but leave it at that. They will reserve judgement until they get to know the other person, or hear the full story from both parties. Healthy people don’t become involved in triangulation, unless it is to put a stop to a triangulation.

What do flying monkey’s do when the narcissist plays the victim and makes up lies about a target?

Flying monkeys align straight away, get annoyed with the target for seeking accountability, and soothe the narcissist instead of the true victim, the target.

Why?

Flying monkeys’ are brainwashed, insecure people who fall hook line and sinker for the bait. In their mind they are aligning with the narcissist against a perpetrator; a targeted victim. They believe the target is the troubled bully in the relationship with the narcissist.

Flying monkeys’ have a pack mentality, are very insecure, have big issues themselves, like the stability of having a pack to reside in, and will secure their position in the pack by vilifying, or scapegoating someone else to feel better.

How does the narcissist manipulate minions into aligning with them?

The narcissist will divide a group of people with the use of triangulation in order to conquer a target. This strategy is used to align family members’, siblings’, the narcissistic child’s parent, employees’ and friends’ with the narcissist.

It becomes a case of:  ‘well so and so (the target) doesn’t like you either. They said this this and this.’

Sadly these minion’s fall victim to a pack of lies. Triangulation reinforces to the narcissist’s allies that the target truely is a bad seed, needs to be taken down, isolated, and gotten rid of.

Do not be fooled. Yes, the target is being isolated; but the narcissist is also dividing and triangulating the flying monkeys’ against one another as well.

Do the flying monkey’s see the narcissist for who they truely are?

No, 95% of them do not. The narcissist’s followers know the narcissist has some problems, they just don’t know the depth of these problems. There is no reason for the narcissist to show their minions the dark side. They are simply secondary fuel sources to the narcissist. They have no need to challenge the narcissist, and are the perfect mirror for the narcissist, because they only ever see the false persona. The target is the only person who truly knows who the narcissist is.

The mirror is the problem here. If the mirror (being you) doesn’t reflect back to the narcissist want they want to hear about themselves, than the narcissist will smash the mirror. This is when scapegoating will occur. Flying monkeys’ are the perfect enabler’s, won’t step on the cracks, and enable enable enable. Where as, scapegoated individuals’ call a spade a spade and say it how it is.

What makes a flying monkey a flying monkey?

Typically, flying monkeys’ have various belief systems which elevate them into flying monkey status. A lot of flying monkeys’ are weak covert narcissists’ themselves, and don’t have a problem watching other people be bullied.

They are often abuse apologists’, forgive and forget types, who have a firm belief that people grow out of their mistakes. Flying monkeys’ excuse the narcissist’s reckless past behaviour, and believe that it is truely possible for people who have done terrible things to change; because I guess, sometimes people do change. The 5% of flying monkey’s that see the narcissist for what they are, (a troublemaker) dumb down the problem with little regard to the people it affects, and call it an emotional disability. Unfortunately a narcissist will choose these types of enabling beings to be their flying monkeys.

The good people who refuse to become flying monkeys

Be assured that a lot of people do know that your narcissist is an actor. They do see straight through the facade and question the stories the narcissist is telling them. They question why the narcissist’s ex can’t allow him or her to see the children. They wonder why the narcissist continues to claim that their ex has a mental health problem, when she or he looked ok last week. Good people do not befriend people who tell half truths, use the divide and conquer method on them, and constantly report that everybody is bad. These people will not become directly enmeshed with the narcissist because they know something is up. The flying monkeys’ however, are easily manipulated, and don’t view a red flag as a red flag.

The 5% of flying monkeys’ who know about the abuse

Every now and again a narcissistic abuse victim is told by a flying monkey that they know the narcissist is downright dangerous. These flying monkeys’ fall short because they remain tied to a person that is emotionally destroying the target, their friend or family member. They are too gutless to stand up for the abused, they don’t want to lose their comfort pleasures, and they have no issue sacrificing the mental health of the abused. This flying monkey does not care if the abuse pushes the individual to have a psychotic breakdown. As long as they’re ok, that’s all that matters.

These knowing flying monkeys’ often come in the form of one of the narcissist’s friends, or a disloyal sibling to a scapegoat; the one who has a vested interest in affiliating with the narcissist for their inheritance. These flying monkey’s are in some ways more morally accountable and karmically liable than the severely brainwashed flying monkey’s who have no idea they’re being manipulated. They know the narcissist is dangerous, and they don’t care about the nervous breakdown, or the suicide attempts which often come hand in hand for the family scapegoat who has been scapegoated and shunned by an entire family. This sibling wants the proverbial golden egg; and if their sibling has to go down in the process, well so be it. This person is not your friend.

‘If I had an inheritance, than maybe my sibling who knew I was being scapegoated months before I was discarded, would’ve stood up for me, told me what was going on, and would never have let it happen in the first place.’  

This family member, or friend is not going to pull a scapegoater up on their bullying behaviour. If a scapegoated adult child has nothing but friendship to provide a knowing sibling flying monkey, than it only makes sense that a sibling so morally bankrupt will not be crossing over into the camp of the righteous any time soon.

This flying monkey may not directly pick on a victim, but when push comes to shove they most certainly are not for the victim.

The scapegoated victim’s pain means nothing to these knowing flying monkeys’. They do not care; because if they did, they would be so enraged at the abuse of another, that they wouldn’t be able to contain themselves. The desire to protect the person they love would be so strong that they wouldn’t be able to hold their tongue; and they most certainly would not have it in them to enable the perpetrator, soul destroyer, and life ruiner that almost pushed their sibling or friend over the edge.

Scapegoating is serious business, and the isolation involved can push the bullied victim to suicide. Outcast, shunned family scapegoats have been known to die from drug addiction and depression before, because the shame of being hated for being who they are is too much to handle. To know a parent turned a whole family against their child is one of the most painful things a family scapegoat can go through. For a knowing flying monkey sibling to know what has happened, and than go after money at the scapegoat’s expense is a disgusting thing to do.

Knowing flying monkey’s condone abuse at the expense of another, because standing up for truth would mean they would be thrown out of the family, or the friendship group. Unless a flying monkey is in the accidental flying monkey category, or the well meaning, these minions are never good people. There is something very wrong with a self- focused enabler who places their needs over the mental health of others.

Scapegoated victims’ are often told by these types that they shouldn’t have such high expectations in expecting their loved one or friend to stand up for them. It is common for these types of flying monkey’s to manipulate the scapegoated individual into believing that they are the problem because they won’t forgive, forget, and accept that all families’ are screwed up. This person needs you to forgive and forget a fully fledged perpetrator, stop talking about it, pretend the narcissist is relatively safe, and to stop expecting support from them; because they want their money. So, in order to push on towards an inheritance, they need this sibling to shut it, to remain invalidated, and ex communicated.

By saying nothing, laughing at the scapegoated individuals expense, and continuing to allow the scapegoater’s to believe that their behaviour is acceptable, and that what they did to this was ok, is a cowardly immoral, disgusting act.

These minions’ know exactly who and what the narcissist is, but they do not care about the impact the narcissist has on another. People like this do not have empathy. Empathetic friends or family, support scapegoated individuals. They don’t allow them to languish in emotional hell.

The great Martin Luther King once said ‘In the end we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. ‘

Do the flying monkeys’ know the narcissist to their full extent?

The answer is no, they do not. 95% of minions’ do not realise they are being recruited, and they do not know how dangerous the narcissist is. The narcissist doesn’t tell them the terrible things they do to their victim when they are away from the flying monkeys’. In situations of family abuse, workplace abuse, and abuse amongst friends, flying monkeys’ most often have no idea that the target is being set up, and that they, the flying monkeys are being used to triangulate against the target, and to act as a puppet on a string.

Flying monkeys’, or supposed friends’ of a narcissistic mother or father who complains that they can’t see their kids, and that their ex has a severe mental health problem, have absolutely no idea that their narcissistic co-worker or best friend is probably cyber stalking their ex, reporting them unnecessarily to human services, has stolen thousands of dollars from them, is lying about their character to anyone who will listen, and is setting them up for public shaming wherever possible. They have no idea that the narcissist has reversed the roles, and is actually impersonating their exe’s lovely personality to manipulate their flying monkeys’ in the first place. The horrible personality the narcissist re-invents as being their exes personality, is actually the narcissist’s personality.

The love-bombing, emulating of another’s personality, and random acts of kindness, make it almost impossible for an easily manipulated flying monkey to see through the narcissist.

HG Tudor, a well known narcissistic sociopath says himself that people are just plain stupid when it comes to believing the facade.

Will the flying monkeys’ ever see the narcissist for who they are?

The only way a flying monkey will ever who the narcissist is, is if they challenge the narcissist. If a flying monkey, particularly an accidental flying monkey stands up for a victim of abuse, disagrees with the narcissist, or doesn’t reflect back to the narcissist the mirror they want them to be, than yes, they will be thrown out of the fold, and scapegoated. Scapegoats’ can be replaced at any given moment, and flying monkeys’ can become scapegoats’.

Flying monkeys – which type? 

Well meaning flying monkeys’

From my experience with well meaning flying monkeys’, they (and I have had a lot of experience with well meaning flying monkeys) have no idea the extent of the narcissist’s abusiveness, and they honestly think they are trying to help to fix a fixable situation. Flying monkey fathers’ and mothers’ can literally put scapegoated adult children in danger by trying to fix an unfixable relationship with the narcissistic parent.

Scapegoated adult children experience emotional horror when told by well-meaning flying monkeys’ who don’t know what they’re talking about that they were a cheeky a child, difficult to handle, and basically deserved the harsh punishments or abusive talk dished out to them.

These flying monkeys’ accept the narcissist’s perception of the child, or adult – child as being difficult, and will run with that, without question. They have no idea that their inappropriate intervention is mentally damaging and dangerous to say the least.

These same flying monkeys’ will take it upon themselves to question the scapegoat adult child on their reasoning behind no contact. They will often tell the scapegoated child that they need to forgive and forget vile abuse. These flying monkeys’ come in the form of minsters’, priests, church folk, elderly people who had good upbringings, or family friends who have no idea what narcissistic abuse is. These same people will listen to the scapegoat to no avail. The scapegoat’s voice goes unheard, and the flying monkey continues to believe they know better.

Common phrases of an abuse apologist flying monkey

‘We’ve all got faults.’

‘Forgive and forget.’

‘Nobody’s perfect.’

‘You were a cheeky child.’

‘You have to forgive at some point.’

‘It happened a long time ago.’

‘Its your mother.’ Or ‘But he’s your father.’

‘They’re the father of your children.’

‘You’re acting out on your ego.’

The abuse apologist has no concern for the psychological abuse committed against small children, or anybody else for that matter.

Why do the well meaning flying monkeys fall for such rot? Angelina’s story

A very close friend of mine Angelina was once a well meaning flying monkey. Angelina is now a scapegoat, and a repentant ex, well meaning flying monkey. Angelina, like so many other women who get involved with narcissistic men or women’ did not see through her narcissist’s false self.

Angelina had a child with this man, who also came into the relationship with a child from another relationship. Angelina was brainwashed into believing that her narcissist’s ex-partner had tried to ruin her narcissist’s life. Angelina’s narcissist told her that his ex had accused him of being a stalker, told child support all kinds of lies in effort to extract more money out of him, and even accused him of constantly deliberately under – estimating his income to child support. Of course he denied it, and said his ex was making his life a living hell. He displayed emotions of a victimised, hurt person. He claimed the reason he couldn’t see his child was because of his ex wife, and not his own actions. Angelina thought this woman was a monster.

Angelina stood up for her narcissist when he didn’t deserve to be stood up for. She even defended him black and blue when he had problems with colleagues, friends, family, and his own child.

Angelina left him ten years ago. He has been stalking her ever since. She is now in the exact same boat as his ex wife, and knows that his ex wife was telling the truth. The frightening reality is that this man comes across as so benign.

This man has well meaning flying monkey’s everywhere. Some people have likened him to mother Theresa. His story goes something like this. ‘I try to be nice to her in changeover. I just want to be a good dad. I love those kids so much, but she is just making my life a living hell.’

What he hasn’t told people is that he owes Angelina 7,000.00 in child support, says he wants to see the kids, when he actually wants to use the changeover excuse as a way of interacting with Angelina in the hope of extracting narcissitic supply from her. This man frequently publicly humiliates her while changing over, has stalked her, taunted her, has stolen money from her, has parentally alienated her and has convinced all of his flying monkeys that Angelina has a severe mental health problem.

The accidental flying monkey

The accidental flying monkey is a kind, caring person that often becomes entangled with narcissists’. They hold an overall belief that anyone can makes changes to their personality if they really want to.

The accidental flying monkey would never allow the narcissist to bully anyone else while in their company, and they refuse to talk nasty about people with the narcissist. Sometimes they will even gently pull the narcissist up without actually pulling them up. They are a secondary fuel source, and they are important to the narcissist. Again, they know the narcissist is entitled, troubled, and all the rest. This empath will pick the narcissist up if push comes to shove, and if the narcissist doesn’t like it, they will cease the friendship.

The judgemental, assuming flying monkey

Judgemental and assuming flying monkeys’ are often people who don’t even know the narcissist. These people are often friends’ or acquaintances’ of the victim. They get under the narcissistically abused victim’s skin because they judge the victim’s choices in regard to them or their children having no contact with the narcissist, whether that be the victim’s parent, or their child’s parent.

Again, these people can be fundamentally fanatical in their beliefs. These flying monkey types are random abuse apologists. Their fundamental belief is that relationships should be persisted with at all times.

For example: The friend of a scapegoated child may exclaim with complete disbelief that they cannot believe that their adult friend refuses to see their mother or father. In this situation this well meaning friend is not so well meaning. They are judging their close friend without facts. This judgemental friend has fundamental beliefs which are detrimental to the scapegoat adult child’s mental health.

These people believe that the target is flawed in some way, and that nobody can truely be as abusive as what the victim describes. These flying monkeys’ cannot look underneath the acts of abuse and deeply into the damage which has been done to the narcissists’ abuse victims’.

I have met flying monkey’s who honestly believe that everything should be just left to run its course, and a child’s journey with an abusive personality should be left uninterrupted. A lot of these people are narcissistic themselves, and often become overly invested in religious philosophy, law of attraction beliefs, and mindfulness techniques. They’ve missed the boat, and have misinterpreted some of the bibles most core beliefs about abusive people.

These types of people believe we should forgive and forget, and not to hold a grudge, regardless of heinous acts or crimes.

Hateful flying monkeys

Hateful flying monkeys’ come in all shapes and sizes. These flying monkeys’ will get involved in the shaming, smearing and bullying of a target. Again, scenarios differ; but the core reality here is that these people have become easily brainwashed to do the narcissist’s bidding. Yes, they do know that they are deliberately bullying the targeted individual; but they genuinely believe the target is at fault and deserves the abuse.

The hateful flying monkey that cyber stalks the victim, plays both sides of the fence, searches for private information to disclose about the victim, knows what they are doing. Do they know they have been manipulated, and brainwashed? No, they do not. The question is ‘do they care?.’ The answer is no, they don’t care.

Hateful flying monkeys are your snakes in the grass, and some of them are the equivalent to Hitler’s minions.

Children flying monkeys

Children do not know what they are doing, and they are under the vindictive spell of the narcissist. They are used as porns for the narcissistic parent to use in a game of chess, to checkmate the kinder parent. They are lied to about their parent, conned, and strategically manoeuvred. What happens to them is disgusting.

The sibling flying monkeys’ who know about the scapegoated child’s abuse

The sibling who never pulls the parent up on the terrible things being said about the scapegoated child is deliberately choosing to leave the scapegoat dangling over a metaphorical cliff. They are petrified of the narcissist, and they are their own number one.

Unfortunately these siblings’ are under the spell of mind control, and they all have one thing in common with their narcissistic abuser; they too are damaged and unwell. However, that being said, these flying monkeys’ are not good people. Good people do not sit in and listen to jokes about the scapegoat’s apparent emotional instability behind their backs.

Unfortunately adult scapegoat children of the narcissist often come to the conclusion that their siblings’ have no loyalty.

Do the psychopath’s flying monkeys’ know who the narcissist is?

It is very rare to find a flying monkey who knows the full extent of the narcissist. The healthy people who do, quickly realise the narcissist is a wolf, and relinquish all contact with the narcissist. Most flying monkey’s are so thoroughly manipulated by the narcissist that they honestly have no idea that they, the minions are acting like puppets on a string.

Always keep in mind that all fuel sources are assessed by the narcissist before the manipulations can begin. Flying monkeys’ are sourced for their naivety, insecurities, conforming behaviour, and predator pleasing traits. Narcissists’ deliberately choose people who will aid them in their unconscious onslaughts of targeted good people.