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Browsing Tag: consequences

Enabling partner of a narcissistic parent

The enabling mother or father of a narcissistic parent is also personality disordered, and in fact, a secondary abuser, because they keep their child in an absolute torture chamber. The failure of the parent to support the child when in desperate need of release from the narcissistic situation, suggests that the enabling parent’s needs mean more to the parent, than the needs of the child.

The sad reality about enablers’ is that many enabling parents are in actual fact, the kinder parent to the scapegoat child, and to the other children as well. However, the true enabler is a mixed bag; and sometimes this parent can be downright horrible to their children.

How does the scapegoat child feel about the enabling parent?

In adult – hood, the scapegoat child doesn’t know how to feel about the enabling parent. They know that the parent appeared to care for them more-so than the narcissist, and even attempted to protect them from severe abuse at times. However, in the scapegoat child’s eyes the enabler didn’t do enough; and much of the time, gaining support from the enabling parent was like playing a game of lotto. It may happen, or it may not. Support from enabler’s can often depend on their emotions at the time.

For the scapegoat, the scenario goes something like this: the parent may support them today when the narcissist calls them a ‘bitch’ for no reason, or they may not.

The hardest issue for the scapegoated adult – child in this mess fueled by narcissism, is the reality that the enabler also scapegoated their own child at times too, when they decided to side with the narcissist, and to engage in blaming the scapegoat for absolutely everything that was going wrong in the family.

The enabling parent enhances the scapegoat’s fear that they are crazy. Instead of validating the child, and telling them they are not the crazy one, they often unconsciously support the narcissist by defending their sick perception of the scapegoat, which is not real, was never real, and will never be real.

The confusion for the children of the enabler

The adult – children with an enabling parent want to love this parent. After all, they did pay for the private school fees, organise braces, dental appointments and swimming lessons; things that otherwise would most likely not have happened if the child was left in the narcissist’s care without the enabling parent. They want to love this parent that often asked the narcissist to stop calling the child names, hugged and held the child, told them they loved them, and appeared to honestly cherish this child here and there.

However, the emotional conflict the scapegoat child goes through in relation to the enabling parent, is pure mental anguish, because yes, the enabling parent really was the only parent to the child, this is true. However,ultimately they decided not to protect this child when deciding to stay in the situation with the child, instead of leaving the parent with the child.

Where it becomes very complex for children with an enabling parent, is that the enabler is often the kindest parent, the most placid, and the reason why the child wasn’t ultimately destroyed by the narcissist. The enabling parent showed the child some love, which may very well be the reason they came out the other side. However, this parent is also the reason why the child became destroyed in so many other ways, and now struggles terribly in adulthood.

The scapegoat’s overall analysis of the enabler is that they were part of the abuse, and did the wrong thing.

The enabler panders to the narcissist

The enabler panders to the narcissist, tries to keep them happy, and will even become a part of the abuse of the children, if it means the narcissist will get off the enabling parents back. At the end of the day, they are the narcissist’s sidekick, soldier in the narcissist’s army, and thoroughly perpetuate the bullying epidemic even further.

Enabling parents tend to expect support from the children to help to contain the difficult situation, and the narcissist’s rage. They expect the child to make the narcissist happy, to keep them content, and to make sure the narcissist feels admired, special and cared about all the time. In situations such as these, the enabler will perpetuate the abuse by having unusually high standards of the child; and will expect the child to show the narcissist the utmost respect, even when the narcissist is not respecting the child.

The enabling parent will not meet the child on their own emotional level, validate the child, and walk away from the narcissist.

The enabler’s view of the situation

However, the enabler is not going to see it this way. The enabler can be very kind, is terribly loyal to the narcissist, and has an extreme amount of empathy for the damaged person that the narcissist has become. So they dismiss the narcissist’s behaviour, apologise for their abuse, and downplay the abuse for reasons of self-preservation.

The enabler often feels reliant on the narcissist, isolated in their abuse, and as though they are going crazy.

We must not forget that in all of this mess, the enabler has also been incredibly mentally damaged, manipulated, and brainwashed by the narcissist. Sometimes they simply shut down.

The enabler’s favourite phrase: forgive and forget

A lot of enablers’ play down the abuse, tell the children to toughen up, and to forgive the narcissist.

This reality questions the enabler’s ability to access real empathy. Is the enabler truly empathetic at all? After-all, while their child is being denigrated, the enabler watches, says ‘don’t be so sensitive now, forgive and forget,’ and continues on.

To have empathy is to be able to see, and to feel through the eyes, and heart of another.

The enabler is stuck in the vortex with the narcissist and their children. They allow horrific emotional abuse to occur, and become a flying monkey to the narcissist instead of supporting the child. Enablers are renowned for pushing the child to maintain their relationship with the abusive parent later on in life, even after the child realises that they have been the victim of serious mental abuse.

The enabler as the perfect victim for the narcissist

The enabler is the perfect victim for the narcissist. Enabler’s are often quiet, easy to talk to, very placid, and appear to have a lot of empathy. They also lack confidence, second guess themselves, don’t listen to their gut, and don’t believe in themselves.

What keeps the enabler in the home with the narcissist?

Religion:

  • There are a variety of reasons as to why an enabler would want to stay in a life long marriage with an emotionally dangerous person. For some enablers it is religion and fear. They believe that they are not allowed to leave their partner; and once married to a so-called christian narcissist, the enabler, regardless of children or not, must do everything they can to maintain the relationship.

Intergenerational patterns:

The enabler may be acting out on family patterns. They may have had an enabling parent, and a narcissistic parent.

Fear:

The enabler may believe that there is no point in leaving because if they do leave, the narcissist will make their life a living hell. It is very likely the enabler would need to get an AVO out on their narcissist if they left.

Comfort: 

Some enablers’ are not concerned in the slightest about the abuse of the children, and are happy to stay with an abuser for the sake of their comfort pleasures, and the financial growth that has been achieved while with the narcissist.

 

The authoritative parenting style

 

The history of authoritative parenting

In the 1960’s, child psychologist  Diana Baumrind identified three styles of parenting when working with, and thoroughly engaging with pre-school aged children.  The authoritative parenting style was recognised by Baumrind as the democratic approach to parenting. Baumrind further noted that this style of parenting is child – centred, and offers a high level of emotional availability to the child.

Hence, why children raised by authoritative parents have strong self-regulation skills, are very self assured, and appear to be very happy.

Children with authoritative parents

  • are mostly happier
  • have good emotional control, and good emotional skills
  • Are self – confident in their own abilities

Why such good results?

Children with authoritative parents are given reasonable demands and high levels of responsiveness. These parents are emotionally available, and willing to put their all into providing their children with the resources to enable them to be well-equiped, successful individuals in both childhood and adulthood.

Main characteristics of the authoritative parenting style

Authoritative parents:

  • Listen to their child’s needs, opinions, thoughts and ideas
  • Encourage their child to problem solve, and to discuss an array of options
  • Encourage their child to become an independent being
  • Place limits, boundaries, and expectations on their child’s behaviour
  • Administer fair and consistent discipline

A moderate method of parenting

The authoritative parent is moderate in their approach to parenting. They are neither black nor white, this way or that way. Instead, they apply a middle of the road, middle – ground approach to parenting -whereas the authoritarian parenting style is too hard, and the permissive parenting style is too soft.

They allow for high standards, expect mature, co-operative behaviour, provide their child with a lot of nurture and responsiveness; as well as respect for the child as a seperate, independent human being with their own thoughts and beliefs.

Children brought up with authoritative parents are showered with love and warmth – as well as boundaries, consequences and consistency. Hence, why it is claimed that the authoritative parenting style is the most effective style of parenting for children.

Research suggests that having at least one authoritative parent can make a big difference. In fact, it is further claimed that children from authoritative households are less likely to experience episodes of depression, and anxiety related conditions. They are also more unlikely to exhibit anti – social traits including delinquency and drug use.

The differences between authoritative parenting, permissive parenting and authoritarian parenting

Authoritative parents allow for a lot of flexibility, are in tune with democracy, and will discuss the rules with their children, the reason for the rules, and the importance of consequences. They may even make changes to the rules if they see the need to in the future. Unlike authoritarian parents, authoritative parents do not shame their children.

Discipline is approached with empathy, emotional availability, and kindness. If the child has something to say, they are given the opportunity. When an authoritative parent disciplines their child they take into account all the finer details involved in the problem that took place.

The permissive parent rarely disciplines their child, gives them too much room to move, and allows their child to behave to extremes.

In contrast, the authoritarian parent over disciplines, oppresses the child’s right to say how they feel, or to ask questions, and applies little empathy to the discipline process.

The aim of the authoritative parent is to encourage their child to utilise reasoning, to look within, and to work independently.

Understanding why the authoritative parenting style works

The authoritative parent acts as a role model, and exhibits the same behaviour that they expect from their child. The consistent rules and discipline which follow allow the child to know what to expect from their parents.

The child eventually models back to the parent the good emotional understanding and control that they were taught by their parents.

Authoritative parents are not controlling. They allow their children to be independent beings. This teaches their children that they are completely capable of accomplishing their goals without their parents always looking over their shoulder. The trust that the authoritative parent has in their own children to manage on their own, helps to foster good self-esteem and self- confidence.

The effects of the authoritative parenting style

Child development experts generally identify the authoritative parenting style as the best approach to parenting. Children raised by authoritative parents tend to be more capable, happy and successful.