When I climb into my heart in the darkness of the night, I finally realise how lonely I am.
Darkness seems to draw out the emptiness within. An emptiness which is usually hidden and consumed by mundane daily tasks. It is in the stillness of the night that I can no longer hide.
Within the deathly silence of the dark night, my failures, my broken dreams, and my demons swim out from the depths of myself, and up to the surface. It is during the night that I am haunted by my very own existence.
I can spend months at a time loving the single life. Any thoughts about relationships, men, and dating are automatically removed.
To prevent loneliness I have a golden rule. My mind is not under any circumstances allowed to wander into the relationship realm.
I have only ever had intimate relationships with men that have held me back, not driven me forward.
So, now I’m moving forward, carving out a pathway to a place of success. I have a career, lots of friends, and my little crew.
I have the best life!
”Well, this is what I tell myself. Yet, somehow I’m not convinced.”
I’ve practised meditation, listened to the ‘Secret Teachings’ app, and taught myself not to think about the anxiety provoking aspects of my life.
However, every few months my mindfulness skills fly out the door, and once again I allow the darkness to get the better of me. My demons suddenly rise to the forefront of my mind, and the feminist crusader who was around hours earlier suddenly leaves the building.
It is in these moments that the truth comes out, and I come face to face with my lonely self. The one who pines for a companion, a best friend, and a man. As much as I hate to admit it, I miss male companionship.
I miss having a man to run things by. I miss having a second opinion, reassurance, and a male confidante.
It is within the darkness that I wish I had chosen more carefully before. It is within the deep dark night that my fears turn into a fretting anxiety that eats at my insides.
It is in this dark space that I assess the state of male and female relationships, weigh up relationship statistics, and over analyse the pain caused by relationships. I always come to the same conclusion. Fifty percent of male and female relationships end in disarray.
Even though I have come to the conclusion that remaining single is a secure place to be, I still yearn for intimacy, conversations, and the partnership of partnerships.
Yes, I am self-aware enough to know what lies beneath my conclusions. Fear! Fear that I’ll make another unwise choice. Fear that I’ll disappoint my children, and fear that the relationship will end in tears. Who wants more tears?
I honestly feel twinges of guilt when I think of bringing a man into my children’s lives. Oh, the horror stories I’ve heard.
I don’t want my children to form attachments that may not last. I don’t want them to feel like somebody is stealing me away from them.
Single mother’s have a ridiculous amount of responsibility. Our children are the focal point of our family unit, and the most important asset. We have a responsibility to keep them emotionally and physically safe, as much as is in our control.
We can’t make a silly mistake, and accidentally invite an unwholesome person into our children’s lives. This will have a major impact on the family unit.
To bring a partner into your life, and the lives of your children is a hard decision to make. There are pros and cons. Single mothers have needs as well. Who knows? Mr Amazing could be just around the corner.
Mother hood is a beautiful gift. Single mother hood is too! It is fun, joyous, stressful, and filled with a ridiculous amount of responsibility.
Sometimes there are moments, days, or months where life can become dreadfully lonely, especially in the deathly silence of the night.