Commitment Phobia



We live in a world where relationships are failing everyday. The domestic violence rate is skyrocketing, and men and women have different values around marriage and relationships, more so now than ever before. Who wouldn’t have a phobia of commitment?

From my experience, couples just argue, banter, and carry on anyway. One partner always puts more work into the relationship than the other, and now days, its rare to hear stories of happily ever after.

The biggest question on a commitment phobe’s mind is:

‘Who is this person that I am about to commit to?’

We will never know who our partner really is until we enter the relationship in a full – time capacity. Even than, do you really know the person you’re involved with?

The marital relationship’s modelled to me as a child were completely dysfunctional. So now when I witness a dashing smile and good manners, I immediately wonder, ‘is there a monster under there?’

How can you believe in true love when you’ve never seen it? Most older couples I know of who do stay together, do it out of need, not love.

I have met the men who cheat on their wives. I have seen the monster lurking deep within this man that his wife will never see, and honestly believes doesn’t exist. This man is a professional when it comes to presenting the two sides of his extremely fragmented self.

I don’t wear rose coloured glasses anymore. Instead, my eyes are like two laser beams in search of a red flag, or something which signals un-safety.

Aha! You guessed it. I’ve seen a lot of dysfunction, and a hell of a lot of chaos. I am yet to see a couple that I know come out the other side of their relationship happy, and content.

For a commitment phobic individual, the beginning of a relationship creates so much anxiety that it will literally take over the entire person. It can take upto a year before this person will even begin to feel safe. That is, if they even make it that far.

Intimate relationships make commitment phobic people feel incomplete, whereas time alone is where we feel the safest. No, we’re not super sensitive people who can’t endure the length of a relationship. We simply choose not to go there because of the anxiety it creates.

The problem? Previous attachments have most likely been unsafe, unpredictable, and riddled with fear and anxiety.

Commitment phobe’s often hurt the closest people to them.  Some commitment phobic people never intend to marry the person they get engaged to. They may even use the opposite sex for sexual intimacy, with no intentions whatsoever of ever committing to this person.

However, other people with a commitment phobia do have the potential to have healthy partnerships. Less severe commitment phobic people will sit out the severe anxiety, and other uncomfortable symptoms related to the condition.

In simpler terms, commitment phobia is a fear of deep emotional connections. Previous unsafe emotional connections have left life long scarring, and may resemble trauma, dysfunction, and instability to the commitment phobic individual. However, there is a way forward if you’re prepared to do the work, and to get the help required to over come the condition.

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