The narcissistic family system is an unsupportive, self-serving family system where a survival of the fittest mentality is unknowingly adopted by each of the family members’ as a way to stay both emotionally and physically safe in this family unit. In childhood, each child in the family unit quickly learns that they must meet the needs of the narcissist (no matter how ridiculous) by often forfeiting their own needs, in order to escape criticism, drama, and major conflict created by the main perpetrator in this family system – the narcissist.
The golden child may receive some support from their narcissistic parent, who often dotes on them to extreme degrees. However, being the favorite comes with a huge price to pay because the narcissist doesn’t do anything without strings attached. The golden child is merely an investment to use and abuse just like the rest of the children.
The scapegoated child is almost always the only child in the family unit to challenge the narcissist’s unsupportive nature, and the enabling parent’s acceptance of the narcissistic parent’s unsupportive behavior. The scapegoat will fight the system over and over again, question, and challenge the family’s lack of support – much to their own detriment. The reality that they can’t be brainwashed, or manipulated becomes increasingly problematic for them.
The enabling parent is the core perpetrator in both supporting and allowing this survival of the fittest mentality. This easily manipulated parent supports the narcissist’s ridiculous expectations by either sitting back, saying nothing, and simply allowing the narcissist to make all of the rules; or by alternatively brainwashing their children into forfeiting their boundaries, and autonomy – making the children boundary-less, expectation – less, and clone-like.
The children as a dilemma and a burden
At the forefront of NPD is a complete inability of the narcissistic individual to empathize with the needs and distress of other people. The narcissist’s extreme sense of entitlement makes it terribly difficult for this parent to understand why children (especially small children) cling to them so much, why they need anything from them, and why they require 24/7 support.
Children need love, attention, emotional support, and help daily. This is terribly distressing for a narcissistic parent because they completely depend on a constant supply of attention, (positive or negative) from everybody in their environment all day long – to the same extent that a drug addict relies on their drug of choice. Without constant attention a narcissist feels empty, and will lash out at everybody around them; especially their children, who are often resented by the narcissist for stealing the limelight.
The enabler’s personality as a very big problem in the narcissistic family unit
Enablers are hunted down by the narcissist because of their very obvious shaky, malleable, and easily manipulated sense of self. Anxious, reflective individuals with low-self esteem, and people pleaser syndrome, who find it hard to detach, are vulnerable to narcissists. An individual with a secure sense of self will immediately repel a narcissist.
Enlightened, validating enablers do exist. However, they’re very rare; and even if they do openly see what’s going on, their co-dependent nature often sees them tied to the narcissist. In my opinion, based on what I have observed, enablers often lack empathy, are self-serving, and are easily brainwashed.
To outsiders, your typical enabler appears to be gentle, quiet, and very placid. People often think the world of them and perceive them to be beautiful, lovely, gentle people who just happen to be in a bad relationship with a controlling person.
I used to believe this to be the truth too. However, now I view your typical unenlightened enabler very differently. From my personal experience with my own enabling parent, who appeared to be kind, gentle, and placid, I now see your typical enabler as a very unsupportive individual. The most unenlightened of enablers appears to have absolutely no problem standing by on the sidelines, and watching the narcissist destroy their child’s sense of self on a daily basis, without stepping in to protect them.
The enabling parent’s children often try to secure this parent as an ally in this disgustingly abusive situation, only to be rejected by a parent who almost always supports the narcissist, regardless of the fact that they are in the wrong.
An unenlightened enabler with absolutely no education on the effects of narcissistic abuse refuses to look beneath the narcissist’s abusive behavior, to even try to imagine how this abusive behavior would insidiously infect a child’s soul. Being the HSP that I am, I have no understanding of this inability.
The narcissist as a serial complainer
From what I’ve witnessed, the most pathological of narcissist’s does an awful lot of complaining. They tend to not like anybody. There isn’t anybody in their circles that they don’t have a problem with.
In my experience, this dislike of absolutely everybody the narcissist comes into contact with, extends to the narcissist’s children (all but the golden child) who are complained about by the narcissist day in day out to the enabling parent.
Complaints such as ‘they cry too much,’ ‘they’re not really sick,’ ‘they’re faking it,’ ‘they’re spoilt,’ ‘they’re out of control,’ ‘they shouldn’t be asking me to borrow my things,’ ‘why should I have to lend them any money?’ ‘they shouldn’t be asking me for help. Nobody ever helped me,’ ‘they’re manipulating the family by asking if we can do this or that to help them,’ are all comments that continually fly out of the narcissist’s mouth about their children.
How does the enabling parent respond to the narcissist’s constant complaints about the children’s need for support?
Some enabling parents choose to simply ignore the narcissist, and co-exist without discussion. This kind of enabling parent allows the narcissistic parent to be who they are, to rule the roost, and to choose which children do or do not get supported. They rarely intervene, or say anything much to the children about the narcissist’s unfairness and unrealistic expectations.
Every now and again a more enlightened enabler will come to the conclusion that they are keeping their children in a toxic situation, and need to leave. However, co-dependency and a lack of self-esteem are often two big issues for this enabler, who will most likely find it very difficult to pluck up the courage to take that final step and leave.
then there is your toxic enabler. I call this kind of enabler the fixer. My enabling parent was a fixer. This kind of enabling parent is constantly plugging up the holes in the boat; only to find that more leaks continue to appear out of nowhere.
In other words, the narcissist continues to find problems with their children’s personalities. The enabling parent steps in time and time again to try to stop the children from creating further problems for the narcissist. From what I have seen first hand, this enabler takes the narcissistic parent’s problems with their children on as though the problem is their own, and try to solve it for the narcissist. The problem with this is that a lot of the incidents taking place between the children and the narcissist (all out of the enabler’s sight) are often lied about, and exaggerated by the narcissist to the enabler, who tries to take control of the situation at the children’s expense.
The narcissist is supported at the expense of the children, who go unsupported once again. This parent has fallen victim to the ideology that external sources outside of the narcissist (the children) are the reason for the narcissist’s unhappiness, instead of the obvious internal defect within the narcissist.
This patriarchal, punitive enabling parent honestly believes that if they can educate (manipulate) these external sources, (the narcissist’s children) get them under both their control, and the narcissist’s control, then the narcissist will be happy, and the enabling parent will finally have peace and quiet from the complaining narcissist.
The narcissist as the only family member to receive support
The narcissistic parent’s continued need for all of the support in the family unit, as well as all of the attention, sees the narcissist feigning victimhood, and painting all of the children, besides the golden child, as all bad to the enabling parent. The enabling parent will often punish the children excessively for normal child like misbehavior – behavior that they most likely didn’t even personally witness.
Love is conditional and is almost always withheld if the children haven’t supported the narcissist adequately.
Inappropriate behavior from the children is rarely talked about, or discussed with the children in a loving and supportive manner. It is instead used against the children to shame them back into control, in the hope of gaining peace and quiet in the family home.
The enabling parent manages down the children
Once a punitive enabling parent has decided that the narcissist’s issues are related to external sources, rather than a complete software malfunction within the narcissist’s brain wiring, they unconsciously become a perpetrator in the full-blown psychological abuse of the children. Many enabling parents literally manage down the children by brainwashing them into believing that they have absolutely no right to ask for anything from anyone in this family unit. The lack of validation from the enabling parent causes the children to doubt their own sanity.
The democratic, often highly intelligent scapegoat has no allies in this system and often ends up being ganged up on by the entire family, including the enabling parent for continuing to push for support.
A safe enabling parent with a lack of understanding about narcissistic abuse would, in fact, see the error of their ways, and align with their scapegoated child – the only child in the entire family unit with any guts to point out the emperor’s nudity.
What happens if you ask for support?
Any adult child (other than the doted on golden child) wanting support of any kind in the narcissistic family unit will receive very big consequences. The narcissist, as well as a toxic enabling parent, will use the adult child’s need for support to their advantage to gain narcissistic supply. A child in this family unit may be goaded or baited into a negative reaction when asking for help.
Rejecting an adult child’s need for support is often done so as to create drama through an adult child’s negative reaction (for narcissistic supply). If the narcissistic parent can manipulate the enabling parent to side with them, the two parents can distress the adult child, provoke a reaction out of them, or to try make them feel unworthy, difficult, or demanding. If an adult child has a reaction and becomes really upset about the cruelty of the family unit, everybody in the family unit will be informed about the reaction from the challenging child, and the entire family will moan and groan about this person for weeks at a time. Needing anything is always used against the adult child of a narcissist.
What is going on when the narcissistic parent gladly offers you support?
Its a trick! If an adult child is being offered support out of the blew by the narcissistic parent, (and they’re not the golden child) the chances are that the narcissist either wants something from them, or they are running low on narcissistic supply, haven’t had any drama for a while, and are about to create a huge drama in the family unit by triangulating everybody in the family unit against the adult child being offered support. The narcissist is about to launch a huge smear campaign to the other members against the child they offered support to. This offer of support may turn into a huge attack by the other family members, especially a jealous narcissistic golden child. A jealous narcissistic golden child will fuel the smear campaign alongside the narcissistic parent, because, not only are they jealous that they aren’t getting all of the attention in the room, but they too have fallen for the pathological lies of the narcissist.
‘You’re being lured. Don’t take the bait’
Examples of support being used against you:
Scenario one: The narcissist offers to lend you an item, and you accept. They than tell the rest of your family members that you stole it. You turn up to the next family gathering, (if you aren’t excluded first) only to find that you are being ignored by the other members of the family, or treated with coldness.
Scenario two: You aren’t coping. You need emotional support. The narcissist decides to invite you over to support you with your troubles. They hoover you with homemade cooking, and gifts to make you feel better. However, behind your back the narcissist is playing the victim to the other family members, claiming that you are harassing them, breaking big boundaries, and won’t leave them alone.
What happens if you have a major crisis in the narcissistic family
Unfortunately, adult children coming out of the narcissistic family unit (especially scapegoated, and rebel children) often need an incredible amount of emotional support in adulthood. From personal experience, I know that this is just not going to happen. It is not uncommon for children from the narcissistic family unit to either become drug addicted, suffer from an eating disorder, or to experience other mental health issues.
If an adult child simply cannot cope, needs ongoing support, or has become a self medicator to soothe inner childhood wounding, the adult child will ultimately be blamed for what they’re going through, trash talked, and vilified behind their back by the entire family. The narcissist will take absolutely no responsibility for the situation at hand, and will use this situation as leverage to brainwash the rest of the family into believing this adult child is unhinged and screwed up.
If you are supported by the narcissistic parent in your time of need, all of your secrets will be discussed amongst family. Stories of you instability will be spread, and at some point; even years down the track you’ll be made to pay for shaming the family by appearing weak in the first place.
In today’s article, I am going to discuss the toxic dynamic between a highly malignant narcissistic ‘golden child,’ and the ‘scapegoated child’. Not all golden children are narcissistic, sociopathic, or psychopathic. The vast majority are just ‘golden’ – as in all good, doted on, coddled, and adored. However, the narcissistic ‘golden child’ is not so benign, and more often than not will take great pleasure in supporting the narcissistic parent in destroying the scapegoat child’s confidence and self- esteem. Sibling to sibling psychological abuse is very real and can affect the children abused by these toxic siblings terribly in adulthood.
The disordered golden child is not always the oldest child. However, a lot of the time the oldest child will play out the ‘golden child/ scapegoat dynamic’ with the second child within a narcissistic family set up. Many of my friends are either enduring this dynamic with an older golden child sibling still. Or, they have made the heart-wrenching decision to go No Contact with this older sibling.
The narcissistic ‘golden child’ will mistreat all of their siblings. However, the scapegoated child will endure the most, because they will be the child who refuses to go along with the narcissistic child’s illusions of grandeur. They will refuse to accept the narcissistic child’s belief that they are entitled to abuse, steal from others, become aggressive at the slightest criticism, or have complete control over other people. The scapegoated child refuses to mirror this child as they would like to be mirrored. So, the golden child, with the approval of the narcissistic parent, smashes the mirror.
The narcissist as a black and white thinker
Narcissists are black and white thinkers. They never see shades of grey. You’re either good or bad in their eyes. Very often two people will be separated into ‘black’ and ‘white’. One person will be seen as black (all bad) and the other will be seen as white (all good). Sometimes the two same people will rotate between good and bad, or black and white, in the mind of the narcissist.
The first child is often all good, and the second child is often all bad. However, this isn’t always the way it goes. Sometimes the first child is all bad, and the second child is all good.
Birth order plays a major role in personality development, without narcissism being involved. In a healthy family, the oldest child is the most likely child to emulate the parents. If the parents are narcissistic, the second child has a problem.
The narcissistic child as a replica of the narcissistic parent
The narcissistic golden child is often a replica of the narcissistic parent. They subconsciously take on the narcissistic parent’s values, beliefs, and way of life. They integrate these beliefs into every aspect of the life. Whereas the scapegoated child consciously completely rejects the narcissistic parent’s way of life, beliefs, and values. They consciously question the narcissist’s way of thinking – whereas the narcissistic child just goes along to get along.
The narcissistic child completely models their narcissistic parent and chooses to treat others based on how their role model treats others. The scapegoat, on the other hand, decides that they will treat people respectfully, because they don’t like how their narcissistic role model treats others.
Why does the narcissistic child take on the narcissist’s personality?
Nobody really knows why the narcissistic child takes on the same personality as their parent, and why the scapegoated child doesn’t. However, there are varying theories on the matter. Family dynamics also play a part in the creation of the golden child and the scapegoat.
The highly malignant golden child is not nurtured by the narcissistic parent. They can’t relay empathy, because they have never been shown any. Empathy is often taught. If a child isn’t pulled up on their ill-treatment of others and given consequences for it, then they don’t learn the difference between kindness and unkindness. If a child is not corrected on their behavior, then they’ll think that it is ok to behave badly. Nobody has told them otherwise. This child learns early on that they can do whatever they want.
In the narcissistic abuse communities, scapegoated adult children often discuss the reality that they as the scapegoat was constantly being pulled up on their poor behavior, and were constantly told when they weren’t treating people properly. The golden child, on the other hand, was never pulled up and was taught that whatever they did, no matter how vile, was seen as ok in the narcissistic parent’s eyes, because they were the golden child.
The expectations for each child, (scapegoated and golden) are different, to coincide with the narcissist’s black and white thinking.
The narcissistic golden child is encouraged to take on the un-empathetic, self-serving behavior of the parent, whereas the scapegoated individuals are often told that they are ruthless, and need to be more empathetic.
”Don’t be like the scapegoat! ”
The golden child learns very quickly that to gain the narcissistic parent’s approval, one must behave in this un-empathetic, judgemental, disgusting way. If they behave like the scapegoat, (concerned, empathetic, and loving) they will be treated like the scapegoat. The narcissistic golden child refuses to stand in the corner with the scapegoated child and have stones thrown at them. Instead, they unconsciously decide that one will fare better in this family system, and may even gain some approval, or feigned love and support if they take on the role of psycho bully.
This isn’t thought out properly. It’s just a survival of the fittest mentality that some children (narcissistically inclined children) take on.
The malignancy of any golden child can very much depend on the family dynamic. If the narcissistic child only has a narcissistic mother or father to mirror, then the child is in big trouble. However, if this child has some love from one parent, that parent being the enabling parent, then the child may fair better in terms of malignancy.
The scapegoat rejects narcissism
The scapegoat has the empathy gene, and they know how to love. They can put themselves in someone else’s shoes, and feel their pain. This ability to feel the internal pain of others is what drives them to speak up about the abuse from the narcissistic parent towards both the ‘golden child,’ and themselves.
It is not clear as to why the scapegoat child is more sensitive to the feelings of others and has more empathy. It may be because they are seen as all ‘black’ in the mind of the narcissistic parent. The scapegoated child is constantly reminded by the narcissist that they need to be empathetic, kind, and improve upon the innate ‘badness’ that the narcissist has projected onto them. This treatment often pushes the scapegoat child to work even harder to prove their goodness to the narcissistic parent.
A lack of entitlement may be their saving grace, or; they may simply have been nurtured more than the golden child by an enabling parent somewhere along the line.
The narcissistic parent’s rejection of the scapegoated child is a double-edged sword. In some ways being rejected pays for this child. Luckily they were never embraced with a sick love, and never had delusions of grandeur thrown their way. They escaped the false self which took over the narcissistic child, and the damage done to them is somewhat reparable.
The narcissist’s differential treatment of the two children puts the scapegoat in a position where they begin to see through their golden child sibling. They can see straight through the lie the golden child has fallen victim to. The scapegoated child knows their golden child sibling is not entitled, knows they are not grand, are not going to be famous, and is not this amazing person the narcissistic parent keeps making out they are. They see how cruel this child is becoming. So, the scapegoat child openly rejects narcissism.
What happens when the scapegoat talks about the elephant in the room?
The scapegoated child is in big trouble. This mother (father) and son, or mother (father) and daughter duo are the hierarchy. The second child either follows suit, and allows the narcissistic parent and golden child to control them, without complaining; or they complain, and become scapegoated.
The scapegoated option is the option unintentionally chosen by the second child, who almost always ends up sparring with the entitled child daily, and complaining endlessly to the narcissistic parent about the endless abuses incurred from the golden child. Challenging the narcissist’s illusion about their ‘special’ child ends badly for the scapegoated child. They spend their entire childhood being pecked at by a psychologically dangerous child, and a psychotic parent.
This golden child represents to the narcissistic parent everything amazing they see in themselves. The narcissistic parent lives and breathes through this grandiose, omnipotent, amazing child. This is the child that will defend the narcissist to no end, battle all of the people that continue to harm the narcissist’s ego, and will prove their omnipotence to the people around them. The narcissist will shine like a star through this child.
The scapegoat child strikes blow upon blow to the narcissist’s ego when they point out that the golden child isn’t so wonderful, is floored, troubled, and mean. This creates a huge narcissistic injury in this parent, who sees everything they love about themselves in this narcissistic child.
The narcissistic parent doesn’t encourage love between the two children
There is no love here. Only pure hatred from the narcissistic golden child towards the scapegoated child. The relationship between these two children is very similar to the iconic Cain and Able tale in the bible. The narcissistic parent deliberately sets this dynamic up for their own vested interests.
This dangerous, toxic dynamic between the two children serves a purpose for the narcissist, who has deliberately pitted both children against one another.
The narcissist encourages the golden child to try to gain control over the scapegoat child. The narcissistic parent never intends to encourage love and harmony. Instead, they allow the golden child to abuse the scapegoat, and they don’t bat an eyelid. Its a hate fest, where this dynamic duo attack, and discredit the scapegoated child any chance they get.
The narcissist will share the children’s secrets with each child, paint each child as black behind each other’s backs, and will feign victimhood when the situation explodes, and the children blow up at one another. This friction between the children is just another way of gaining attention from anyone who will listen when the narcissist explains to people how they have these two terrible children who can’t get along. The narcissist will do anything for fuel, and drama. Even if it means triangulating their children.
The golden child at this stage is a fully fledged narcissist. They operated with a false self, and they believe in the illusion – that they truly are grandiose, a hero, and omnipotent. When the scapegoated child challenges the narcissistic illusion, they are pummelled, turned against, lied about, and smashed down by the narcissistic child to the narcissistic parent, who just goes along with it.
The situation by this stage is too far gone, and the relatively good-natured enabling parent can’t get the situation between the two children under control because the narcissist isn’t on the same page as them.
How does the narcissistic child treat their siblings?
The narcissistic child doesn’t love any of their siblings and treats each of them terribly. They will, however, feign kindness towards the sibling or siblings’, that they feel are easier to control, and are more compliant appliances; especially if it serves them in some way.
The golden child will use these children as porns to antagonize the scapegoated child. They will share their lollies with a more compliant child and reject the scapegoat when they ask if they too can have a lolly. They will allow the more compliant child to engage with, or play with them while informing the scapegoat that they are not invited to play. As time goes on, and the scapegoat becomes more difficult to control, the golden child will even try to brainwash the other siblings into believing that the scapegoated child is fundamentally floored and that everybody must exclude them in some way or another.
This behavior worsens in adulthood, and often results in family mobbing. The golden child and narcissistic parent are always the ringleaders in family mobbing against the scapegoat.
The golden child will rage at their siblings, laugh at them in a condescending manner; use them when they please, and reject them if they suddenly need help, support, or empathy.
However, this being said, the more compliant sibling, or siblings, will not endure the harassment that the scapegoated child endures; unless of course, they question the golden child’s control. If the second child is already the scapegoat, the golden child has no need to go after the other siblings’. They already have a punching bag.
The golden child will provoke, and provoke and provoke the scapegoat child into arguments, while never antagonizing the more compliant siblings in such a way. They will pick this child to bits. They will pick at their entire being. When they become upset and react to the abuse, they will be told that they are unhinged, unstable and crazy.
Two sets of rules for golden children and scapegoats
There are two sets of rules for the golden child and the scapegoat child. If this child rages and screams at everyone, the narcissist doesn’t move on in to protect the children from the abuse. Instead, they accept it as the norm. However, if the scapegoat loses it because they can’t tolerate the golden child’s abuse anymore, they will never hear the end of it from the narcissistic parent. They will be told they are neurotic, highly strung, and a bad person; whereas the golden child’s faults will be swept underneath the carpet as though they never happened.
They are all good, and the scapegoat is all bad.
The narcissistic child is groomed to be the narcissist’s soldier
The narcissistic parent doesn’t like anybody. Nobody will ever be good enough, and everybody who comes into contact with the narcissist is a potential scapegoat.
The narcissistic parent literally grooms the golden child into becoming their soldier. The golden child (who will do anything to be accepted in this rejecting narcissistic family system) falls victim to the narcissist’s manipulations, and believes in the narcissist’s lies told continually about potential scapegoats. The golden child is the ultimate ‘bark dog’. This child behaves as though they are at war with everyone.
The narcissistic parent lives through the golden child. They encourage the golden child to trash talk everybody that comes into the room, be on the lookout for potential scapegoats, and to judge people harshly, with no room for error. Other people’s faults become the golden child’s focus, instead of their own.
Judge judge judge.
Often this duo will be a mother and a son, a mother and her daughter, a father, and daughter, or father and son. They are best friends and will conquer the world together. If anyone challenges the system, the golden child is there with the narcissistic parent to organize the smear campaign. Sadly, the object of the smear campaign is often the family scapegoat.
Why does the golden child have it in for the scapegoat to such intensity?
This is about the golden child’s sense of entitlement. The narcissistic parent felt entitled enough to create a mini-me and taught the child early on that they are entitled to exercise complete control over the scapegoat child, and everybody else they come into contact with.
This kind of golden child becomes that narcissistic adult in the room that a lot of us have probably met – the one who must have complete control over the actions, words, thoughts, and beliefs of everybody within their environment. The scapegoat is just meant to sit down and shut-up. The golden child’s sense of entitlement will not allow this child to accept that other people have human rights to a different opinion or different ideas from them.
Pulling the golden child up on their behavior, or disagreeing with their opinion on any given topic is seen by the golden child as severely manipulative behavior by the perpetrator of such an offense (usually the scapegoat).
The narcissistic parent is completely to blame for this over exaggerated sense of grandiosity and entitlement in the golden child because this parent taught the golden child that they have complete control over everybody in their environment. The first victim under the complete control of the golden child was the scapegoat. The narcissistic parent gave the golden child this position of power over the scapegoat and set the golden child up to believe that they will have control over anybody in their space.
What happens to the scapegoat’s relationship with the golden child in adulthood?
The relationship between the scapegoat and the golden child is often so damaged that the scapegoat outwardly resents the golden child. They don’t have a problem challenging the golden child’s false self. They don’t like them, and they aren’t going to hide it, regardless of the repercussions.
This person damaged the scapegoat so badly in childhood that there is no way that the scapegoated child will mirror back to the golden child that they are grand and omnipotent. The scapegoat can’t be controlled. The scapegoat is a continued reminder to the golden child that they are truly an abuser and a dangerous person.
So what does the golden child do? They smash the mirror over and over, with the help of the narcissistic parent, until the scapegoat eventually walks out of the family.
Eventually, many narcissistic golden children ruin the scapegoat’s reputation in adult life and turn their siblings against them, as well as the enabling parent. Rigid, weak enabling family members often just go with it. The scapegoat is often so terribly shamed and humiliated by these people that they are advised by their therapist to leave the entire family.
Does anyone support the scapegoat?
It’s unlikely. There appears to be an inability for the scapegoats’ siblings, even the less narcissistically inclined siblings to empathise with the intensity of the scapegoat’s pain; because if they could empathise at all, they would stand up for their sibling, and actually ask their golden child sibling, or the narcissist, to stop abusing the scapegoat. However, most of the narcissist’s children turn a blind eye, look the other way, and allow for the scapegoated child to get pecked and pecked and pecked, until there is literally no soul left to peck at.
It often becomes a case of ‘well thank goodness it isn’t not me.’
The narcissist convinces the other siblings who fail to support their scapegoated sibling that the scapegoat is unhinged, mentally ill, and needs help with emotional regulation. The golden child also says these vile things about the scapegoat in the hope of escaping all accountability.
The scapegoat’s strength
Scapegoated individuals are strong, often creative, and intelligent. They are often the most empathetic child in the narcissistic family, which is the primary reason why they are so targeted. When they leave the narcissistic family they take these traits with them, grieve the family, heal, and begin traveling the road less traveled by family members in the narcissistic family; the road to recovery.
The scapegoat has integrity. They never back down on this integrity, and they usually go on to have very fulfilling lives. The narcissistic family members either stay united in chaos or turn on each other.
Up until today I was none the wiser about ‘narcissistic abuse awareness day.’ The official day is June 1st 2017 – and in all honesty I am very excited about this upcoming online event. The message is finally getting out there that narcissistic, sociopathic, and psychopathic abuse is a very real epidemic. Finally, after years of confusion, cognitive dissonance, and mind control, the narcissistically abused adult child (child of a lie) can come together for this online event, with other adult children of narcissists’, and feel acknowledged for what was a total mind screw of a childhood.
Narcissistically abused children live in an emotional torture chamber with a very sick parent whom, unfortunately cannot love them. They are picked to bits, either loved or hated, (depending on the narcissist’s agenda) often triangulated against by the entire immediate family for the smallest of slights, loved based on conditions, and are used by the narcissist to create the drama the narcissistic parent so desperately desires.
The psyche of a narcissistically abused child is extremely damaged. The child’s birth right to a self assured sense of self is stolen from them in childhood to suit the narcissist, who is on a quest for complete control over the child. The loss to the child because of one person’s selfishness is huge.
Narcissistic abuse is an issue which I am extremely passionate about. Narcissistic, sociopathic, and psychopathic abuse destroys lives, the soul, and the psyches of small children, whom are forced to endure their childhoods in an emotional torture chamber.
The uphill battle the narcissistically abused adult child goes through to recover from this extreme form of childhood abuse, (if they wish to embark on the journey) is an internal journey that I honestly believe one cannot describe to the intensity that this frighteningly painful journey deserves to be described. I am yet to read an excerpt written by a narcissistically abused adult child which explains in perfect wording the internal devastation, and emotional blocks or barriers which continue to crop up in the narcissistically abused adult child’s life on a day to day to basis; all because of over exposure to a really crazy person.
These fractured souls are worth fighting for, which is why it is important to continue to bring awareness to the people around us who are still completely unaware of narcissism itself, and the harsh realities surrounding it.
The emotional wounds deeply embedded in ones psyche because of narcissism are triggered by the world each and every day. If one could see these wounds, the body would be battered.
Narcissism is an under – acknowledged, quite often, dumbed down term for a lot of people; who do not understand the extent, or danger of narcissism. Narcissism is instead a diagnosis only searched out by abuse sufferers, whom are in desperate need of some relief from a crazy situation that they just do not understand, or blame themselves for, until of course they stumble across the term ‘narcissism’.
Psychological abuse – it can’t be proven
The biggest issue I have with psychological abuse is that it can’t be proven. In fact, a psychopath with an emulated false self is so dangerous and manipulative that they often have the ability to fool everybody around them, including the department of community services. Lawyers, doctors, social services, and easily manipulated psychologists don’t always see through this parental alienating, child abusing adult.
When I look back on my own experiences in regard to narcissism, I now believe that narcissism, or a person with ‘a screw loose’ can be noticed in the first couple of conversations with the narcissistic individual, regardless of whether or not they charm the pants off you. You just need to know what to look for, which of course a lot of people don’t.
Instead of overlooking that deep gut feeling, (which I’m sure psychologists and lawyers do) and falling prey to an emulated false self, psychological abuse situations including children need to be more thoroughly assessed by social services. It is this lack of psychological investigation, and apparent lack of proof that leaves so many children unsaved, and living in an emotional torture chamber. What urks me the most is that teachers, and other parents can see, even if they can’t exactly put their finger on the problem within the child at the time, that there is just something not right about the narcissistically abused child.
Question: And what do people say when they find out twenty years too late that their friend, co-worker, family member, or client is a psychopath?
Answer: ‘But he just seemed like such a nice guy’. Or, ‘She just seemed like such a lovely lady.’
Just because a parent has a solid career, dresses nicely, behaves politely, and puts food on the table does not mean that they are psychologically fit to be a parent.
What happens to the narcissistically abused child in adulthood?
For the extremely psychologically abused adult child of a narcissist, it is often not until adult – hood that the victim may choose to look deeply beneath the surface at their emotional wounds; the wounds that the world itself triggers each and everyday. Unfortunately, the prognosis is not good for these adult children. They often end up in therapy, and may even be diagnosed with a personality disorder themselves. The most common conditions suffered by adult children whom have been over exposed to narcissism is Post traumatic stress disorder, or Complex Post traumatic stress disorder. PTSD can often result in avoidant type personality problems.
Children with a narcissistic parent are also at a much higher risk of becoming involved in deeply intimate friendships or physical relationships with narcissistic individuals later on in life because this is all the adult child of a narcissist knows.
Children of narcissist’s live with a sense of brokenness that only children of narcissist’s would understand. They are often jumpy, filled with anxiety, on edge, afraid of confrontation, and the world itself.
A life lived with a broken psyche cannot be described, the internal state of a broken psyche cannot be described, mental anguish cannot be described, hyper-sensitivity cannot be described, feelings of hopelessness, a lack of confidence, a voice lost, and broken dreams squashed by emotional trauma, cannot always be described as explicitly as these emotional wounds are felt. However, if we could see the internal wounds as wounds on the body itself, than maybe children enduring psychological abuse would receive more support. Maybe than the ‘Department Of Community Services’, and the family law courts would finally begin to understand the detrimental, life lasting effects of psychological abuse; and would actually persevere in doing their very best to keep small children safe from psychologically dangerous parents’.
‘If only my wounds were visible,’ is the hashtag for ‘narcissistic abuse awareness day, and I would like to encourage anybody and everybody to show your support for narcissistically abused children by placing a twibbon on your facebook profile. You can find out moe information about this day of validation at www.wnaad.com.
Projection: What is it? Psychological projection is a theory in psychology in which humans defend themselves against their own deeply ingrained impulses or qualities (both positive or negative) by denying the behaviours exist within themselves, while attributing them to other people. For example, a person who feels bad about themselves may accuse other people of being bad. Or an angry ex prone to stalking, may tell friends and family that they have to leave town because their emotionally healthy partner will stalk them if they stay. In actual fact, the narcissist is the stalker and has moved away so as not to give into his or her own temptations to stalk the ex partner.
Projecting onto children
Projecting a parent’s own deeply ingrained behaviour, or thoughts about self, onto a small child is one of the most disgusting things an adult can do. The parent who does this treats their child as an extension of themselves, and has poor boundaries. Devaluing phrases, projections of self onto a child, or constant criticism in childhood creates a false sense of self within the child – a bad, defective sense of self. Projection can be the difference between a successful or an unsuccessful life, a drug addicted young adult who is self-medicating to heal the pain of shame, and an adult whom is confident, self assured and can handle the things life throws at them.
Lives can be destroyed because of projection, and it is not unusual to read in the news that yet another bullied teenager has committed suicide, all because a pack of children projected their shortcomings onto somebody else. Narcissism is dangerous, bullying is dangerous, and projection can end lives.
Projection as an insidious form of rejection
A child is a canvas, and the adults’ in that child’s life are contributing to the state of their child’s psyche (the artwork) through their perception of the child, which will become accepted by the child as the child’s reality of who they are. Like paint, comments stick, and ruminate deeply within the psyche. These comments will either enhance the soul, and help the child grow into an emotionally healthy adult, or, these comments will eat away at the child’s soul like termites to a house.
Projection is rejection- and projection and rejection create shame. The narcissist is an angry volatile person, who can’t handle their own shame. So they accuse other people of being exactly like they are, in an effort to feel better about themselves when feeling inadequate.
What happens to the child’s reality?
The narcissist becomes the child’s reality of who they are, and the narcissist’s reality of who is the child is, is incorrect, because what the child doesn’t know, and won’t realise until adulthood is that the narcissist is crazy. So, the child accepts the narcissist’s reality of who they are. This false persona that they’ve accepted as belonging to them, affects their decision making, their ability to be assertive, their choice of friends, and often results in chronic hyper vigilance.
The story of a scapegoated child:
I have heard many tragic stories about the detrimental affects of projection from many an emotionally destroyed scapegoat. Recently, a very close friend of mine confided in me about her experience with projection from her narcissistic caregiver. My friend was told ridiculous lies about herself, and believed up until the age of 24 (up until she entered therapy) that she was dirty, evil, would push everybody away in her adult life, and was doomed to become exactly like the narcissistic parent’s vile caregivers.
Her narcissist still believes that she is a bad seed. These beliefs were the catalyst for years of suicidal thoughts, feelings of self-hatred, and deliberate isolation from friends and prospective partners through an innate fear that she was evil.
The above accusations absolutely destroyed this adult child, whom of course succumbed to drug use in adulthood, and acted out on the badness projected onto her.
The above example is a classic example of projection. The narcissist in this scenario was renowned for creating havoc in their own relationships, and projected their faults onto their own child, by predicting that their child would push everybody away in their adult life, by becoming a rendition of the narcissist’s defective caregivers.
”If I can convince you that you are like me, I will feel better about myself. And, if I can convince you that you are bad, you will do as I please.’
Common projections onto children of narcissists:
What is the problem with projection?
Children are sponges for information, and they require the approval of the adults around them. When they’re disapproved of, they persist and try to please the parent, to gain their approval. The adult is the child’s reality, and the adult’s perception of the child also becomes the child’s reality. If the parent projects negative traits onto a child, than the child ends up with a deep open wound filled with shame.
A child told that they are an angry person, will most likely suppress their anger, will see anger as a negative emotion, and will learn not to express anger. They may even stuff their anger, and could very well become passive aggressive as a result.
A child told that they are bad will believe that they are bad, and will most likely act out on that deep seated feeling of badness.
Instead of going to uni, getting a great job, and attracting lovely partners, the child projected onto loses themselves in their shame, in their self hatred, and in their pain, which can either temporarily, or permanently hold them back, sometimes for their entire life.
”One of the hardest realities to come to terms with for the adult child of a narcissist is that their entire childhood was a lie; and all they were to their parent was narcissistic supply. An object to be toyed with, manipulated, goaded, and provoked.”
The wisdom of fairy tales
I often wonder if the author’s of ‘Snow White,’ ‘Hansel and Gretal’ and ‘Cinderella’ had once been victims’ of narcissism. As children, we are warned through folk tales, and fairy tales alike, about the cruelty of parents. What I have recently come to realise is that the simple children’s fairy tale, is actually many a child’s normal.
I applaud the author of ‘Snow White’ for planting a seed in the minds of our children, and forewarning little children about the cruelty of the world, and the most malignant of hoovers. ‘Hansel and Gretel’ is an eye opener for children with an enabling parent, and ‘Cinderella’s’ story describes a typical narcissistic setup – where siblings sell each other down the river for their narcissistic parent’s approval. Luckily for the reader, all fairytales have a happy ending.
However, for the child of the narcissist, there is no happy ending. Their parent cannot change, and will always play mind games with their child.
The malignant hoover as a unique design – and mental damage to a child’s psyche
A Child of a narcissist does not have the ability to realise that they are being love bombed, idealised, devalued and discarded over and over again. A little child gives their narcissistic parent all of their trust willingly, and with love – only to endure the most horrific psychological abuse one can suffer from. Kids don’t have the ability to comprehend why their narcissistic parent is kind, caring , loving, giving and supportive one minute – only to punish them moments later for reasons which don’t make sense.
Children living out the cycle of idealise, devalue, discard, come out of their childhoods believing that they are inherently bad, and deserve to be punished, discarded, and denounced over and over again. This pattern of abuse most likely will not be understood by the child of a narcissist until adulthood, if they make the choice to go in search of answers. The scapegoat will most likely be the first child to endeavour to look behind their parent’s false self.
The most mistreated child, the scapegoat, will most definitely be the first of the children to put two and two together.
The three stage phase
Common discards for children of narcissists
What does it mean to be hoovered?
The ‘hoover’ is a well- known tactic utilised by the narcissist after they have worked their way through each phase of a three stage process; idealisation, devalue and discard. After the discard stage has been utilised, and the victim retreats, the narcissist will than exercise a hoover of sorts to draw the person back into their life.
Idealisation, devaluation, and the discard are not phases of the three stage process just limited to adults. Small children go through these stages daily, only to be hoovered again shortly after.
Example hoovers for children
Discarding a small child – how is it done?
The narcissistic parent will deploy a number of techniques to distress their small children. Children as young as four will be idealised, devalued and discarded, as well as love bombed, all in a matter of hours.
Scenario: A child decides to go shopping with mummy instead of spending time with daddy and the other siblings. Daddy decides to buy the child that went with him, a toy – and deliberately decides not to buy the other child a toy. When the child comes home, they ask if daddy bought them a toy too. The narcissistic father informs the child that it is in fact their fault that they did not receive a toy, because they refused to spend time with their father.
The child will become momentarily dumbfounded and confused as they blubber away in the corner. However, the confusion will soon subside when the narcissist hoovers the child with a cupcake hours later.
Buying a child’s love
Narcissists’ love to buy children gifts, and to use their artistic talents, and abilities, to love bomb and hoover small children. To receive a gift from a narcissist, a home cooked meal, a batch of cookies, or a hand drawn get well card, signifies to the victim that they they have the narcissist’s approval. Children, in particular begin to think that these manipulative tactics are gestures of love, an apology, and an expression of accountability. The confusion is exhausting for the child, because their narcissistic parent is hot, cold, and calculating. They could lash out and initiate a mentally damaging payback at the smallest slight.
The wisdom of fairytales:
Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately (I am yet to come to either conclusion) I now know that fairytales are not tales about fortune; but rather misfortune, and the harsh realities about the cruelty of both parents, and step parents. Fairy tales are confirmation for small children that not all parents can be trusted, and not all parent’s will protect their children from abusive behaviour.
Narcissism brings out the worst in people, and shows the true colours of everybody around the narcissist. Siblings readily sell out the family scapegoat to stay in good rapport with the narcissistic mother or father, or to ensure their human right to a tidy sum once the narcissist dies. Enablers’ often choose the narcissist over the children a million times over; and the list of offences towards good human beings and small children goes on.
Lets take a look at poor Hansel and Gretel, shall we? Hansel and Gretel’s own father took Hansel and Gretel out into the woods, only to discard his children at the step mother’s request. Cinderella’s stepsisters sold her down the river, and triangulated against her time and time again to keep in favour of their vile mother, Cinderella’s stepmother – and Snow White was nearly murdered by her stepmother in the name of jealousy. Fairytales can teach us a lot about narcissism.
Triangulation is defined as indirect communication where one person (usually the narcissist) acts as a messenger between two others, often fabricating the message to suit the talebearer’s objective. Triangulation is commonly used by narcissists’, and it ties in with gas lighting and projection. In narcissistic families the narcissist will avoid discussing any issues they have with a targeted individual in the family unit. Instead, they will communicate with a third family member, or a few family members at one time, in regard to a problem, which normal healthy adults would be able to resolve by themselves without involving other people. The narcissist’s minions often feel compelled to become a part of the triangle in a bid to resolve the narcissist’s problems with targeted individuals. Usually, this solution to the problem ends in triangulation, anger and passive aggression.
The personality disordered mother or father is without an interpersonal tool box. They do not know how to resolve conflict, do not want to resolve conflict, enjoy drama, and will often create drama by deliberately becoming upset over trivial things which normal people simply do not become upset about. Vengeance will often be taken out against a target (which is usually one of the narcissist’s children) for trivial slights, via triangulation.
In normal families the parents act as leaders. They do not involve other people in their problems, and they deal with any problems they have with their children directly. Healthy parents do not discuss issues they have with one child, with the other children in the family. Healthy parents want their children to grow into assertive, authentic human beings who know how to handle problems head on without involving friends or family in their issues with other people.
How does the narcissistic family handle conflict?
The narcissist is no stranger to divide and conquer. With this strategy, the narcissist will sow seeds of instability between the family members, in the hope of creating havoc, and to eventually turn the entire family against a target of choice (usually the scapegoat). For this strategy to work, the narcissist must share information, or mean spirited comments (real or not), that the target has mentioned in confidence to the narcissist about their siblings. The narcissist thrives on telling each sibling how unhappy their other siblings are with them.
The narcissist uses divide and conquer day in, day out to create conflict. The narcissist is constantly twisting the words of their allies around to suit their own agenda, in the hope of emotionally harming their target. There is always a slither of truth added to the lies the narcissist tells each individual party that the other party has said about them.
Question: What happens in family situations where there is divide and conquer?
Answer: If all of the siblings feel offended by the target’s mean words, they will feel more compelled to triangulate against the target, in the hope of resolving what is now a family problem with the target.
In the narcissist’s mind, they honestly believe that if they can secure allies’ against another family member, than this family member will have no choice but to become submissive to the narcissist, and behave as the narcissist would like them to.
The narcissist doesn’t want to solve their problems directly with the many people they have a problem with. To do so would be to resolve the problem, and narcissist’s do not want to resolve problems. Instead, a narcissist will often create a problem with one of their children, the next door neighbour, or the enabling parent, just to gain attention, adoration, and sympathy from their many allies’. The narcissist feigns victimhood so well, and the narcissist’s allies’ (who are under the spell of mind control, and honestly believe they are helping) often take the problem on as though its their own, and try to fix the problem for the narcissist.
If one sibling can make the other sibling behave appropriately, (usually through aggression or anger) than the narcissist will be happy. However, all that happens here is that the attacked sibling, or enabling parent simply becomes resentful of the narcissist’s ally (usually a brother or sister, or son or daughter) because they have become involved in something that has absolutely nothing to do with them.
The narcissist’s children learn from the narcissist first hand, that the only way to handle a problem with a sibling, or parent is to gossip about this person to another family member, and to try to draw this person into the triangle.
Over time, the gossip spread about each family member behind their backs, is fed back to them through another family member. This becomes the family’s pattern of communication. Confrontation becomes something to be afraid of, which of course, results in a fear based system of communication. This fear based system of communication becomes the catalyst for passive aggressive communication which results in rage.
Where does the problem lie?
The narcissist has the emotional capacity of a three year old, which means that the leader in this family leads the children down the garden path, and ends up passing skills down to their children which will destroy the children’s future relationships. The ‘leader’ in this family is nothing more than a perpetrator, which is why this family often falls apart.
What is the problem with indirectness? Tools of the unskilled
Indirect communication between family members often leads to resentment and discontent in the narcissist’s children. When siblings find out indirectly about a problem another family member has with them through a ‘Chinese whispers’ type style of communication, the affected family member feels hurt, which is often the reason why relationships between siblings often fizzle out. Triangulation makes the narcissistic family unit an unpredictable, and frightening place to be.
Many adult children of narcissist’s eventually grow tired of the chaos that triangulation causes. They eventually realise that they cannot solve the narcissist’s problems, become tired of their own part in the dysfunction, and often walk away from an entire family, deciding that they will no longer have triangulation in their lives.
The narcissistic family’s values and belief systems are topsy turvy. In the narcissistic family set up, the children quickly learn that it is not ok to put up boundaries, behave assertively, or to resolve a problem through direct communication. Yet it is ok triangulate against loved ones, including friends and family.
It is very likely that at least one of the narcissist’s children will take on some of the trouble making behaviours passed down from the narcissist.
Venting or triangulation?
Venting to a trusted friend about an issue with another person can be very helpful, if the intent is to gain advice about resolving the problem. This is a very effective way of handling conflict resolution, and will often lead to the person enquiring, to take their friends advice, and to use it to help to resolve an ongoing problem.
However, involving other people in your problem with another person in the hope that this person will take on the problem and try to resolve it for you is called triangulation, and is one of the narcissist’s favourite tactics.
Confrontation in the narcissistic family
Confrontation is a big no no in the narcissistic family system. The narcissist’s anxiety ridden, petrified children become immune to triangulation, and will often resort to this learned behaviour through fear of confrontation. However, instead of resolving the problem, this fear of confrontation perpetuates the problem and exacerbates the issue even further.
When confronted, narcissist’s can become verbally or physically aggressive, may turn against the victim by implementing allies, and will most likely use the silent treatment to pay the victim back.
The assertive child, teenager, or adult child of the narcissist who dares to assert their needs, says no to the narcissist about an agreed upon arrangement, or challenges the narcissist’s poor behaviour will most definitely be shamed. Authentic children who speak their mind are the narcissist’s biggest fear. Hence, the reason why authentic children are almost always scapegoated, and emotionally crushed beyond belief.
The rule of thumb in this family is that you never ever confront anybody in this family unit. Children in the narcissistic family do not come out unscathed, and often suffer with some big emotional issues of their own. After all, these children have spent their entire childhoods with a narcissistic parent who exhibits a complete lack of accountability, a sense of entitlement, and who refuses at all costs to be wrong. Often the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, and the narcissist’s non-narcissistic children often struggle with some of these issues in adulthood themselves.
Damned if you do and damned if you don’t
Children of narcissist’s often hand over their power, back down, and accept mistreatment, in order to stay safe from potentially harmful caregivers, or an angry, aggressive golden child.
However, the problem with backing down, and forgoing the right to assert ones needs is that this ‘child like survival mechanism’ is merely a temporary solution to a very big problem. Not discussing problems with the person concerned, and turning on them instead through triangulation is like stepping on a grenade. Inappropriate aggression, venting, and resentment from the narcissist’s minions towards those triangulated against, is the consequence of an innate fear of confrontation.
Adult children of narcissist’s often refuse to assert themselves around their peers through fear that the people they associate with will react to their assertiveness with the same outrageous response the narcissistic parent once did.
Emotionally healthy families
In emotionally healthy families, parent’s do not recruit third parties (the other siblings), or use messengers to help to settle their differences with their children. Instead, they have face to face discussions with their child, teenager, or adult child.
Emotionally healthy parent’s encourage their children to discuss their issues with one another openly and honestly. These parent’s do not gossip about their children behind their backs with the other children. Instead, they guide their children in conflict resolution.
The most common question asked by scapegoated adult children, alienated parents, and ex- partners who are suffering from narcissistic abuse syndrome is;
‘do the flying monkeys’ ever see the narcissist or psychopath for who they really are?’
I too have watched from the sidelines as my narcissist’s flying monkeys’ have flocked around the narcissist, and supported a sick, deranged being – whom we all know is a liar, triangulator, thief, predator, and a fake, at the expense of the true victim or victims’. The narcissistic situation is one of the few situations in life where the true victim is left alone to recover from what could often be described as a complete nervous breakdown, while the narcissist feigns victimhood, and presents as the person being targeted.
I too have wanted retribution and validation. I have also wanted those same flying monkeys’ that have worked for the narcissist to apologise, to come to their senses, to realise that they have been conned, and to understand that they do not know the ins and outs of what has actually gone down.
”Guess what? It ain’t going to happen. Or at least, not for a very long time.”
Why? Well there are two reasons.
Number one: The narcissist is a con artist, a master manipulator, deflector, love bomber and emulator.
Number two: The flying monkeys’ are often judgemental, easily manipulated, fall for tall stories, don’t have personal boundaries, and believe whatever they are told. A lot of flying monkeys’ are enabling types, abuse apologists, want something from the narcissist, believe that the target holding the narcissist accountable should just get on with it, forget that they were publicly humiliated, ganged up on and smeared – let it go, and forgive.
From my experience, flying monkeys’ exist because a target has challenged the narcissist in some way, and the narcissist feels criticised. Criticism is a fate worse then death for a narcissist, and is the very reason why narcissists’ have flying monkeys. 95% of flying monkeys’ have two things in common – they all believe in the false persona, and they can’t mind their own business.
Truth tellers, whistleblowers, scapegoated children, and exes, are always portrayed as the crazy one to the narcissist’s flying monkeys’. As soon as the victims tries to hold the narcissist accountable for their actions, the narcissist will deny what they have done to the victim. This is called gas lighting. If the narcissist cannot have complete control over every aspect of your mind, they will lie about you, and will try to control other people’s perception of you. Narcissists’ describe victims of abuse as unhinged, and out of touch with reality so as they can avoid accountability. Once the narcissist realises you are on to them, and they can’t control your opinion, the smear campaign begins.
The narcissist does not want to be found out for being the fake that they truely are. This would mean they would have no choice but to face their false self, and fess up to their disgusting deeds.Where there is a lack of responsibility, there will always be scapegoats’ and flying monkeys’.
How do healthy people handle gossip?
Healthy human beings often listen to the gossip, but leave it at that. They will reserve judgement until they get to know the other person, or hear the full story from both parties. Healthy people don’t become involved in triangulation, unless it is to put a stop to a triangulation.
What do flying monkey’s do when the narcissist plays the victim and makes up lies about a target?
Flying monkeys align straight away, get annoyed with the target for seeking accountability, and soothe the narcissist instead of the true victim, the target.
Flying monkeys’ are brainwashed, insecure people who fall hook line and sinker for the bait. In their mind they are aligning with the narcissist against a perpetrator; a targeted victim. They believe the target is the troubled bully in the relationship with the narcissist.
Flying monkeys’ have a pack mentality, are very insecure, have big issues themselves, like the stability of having a pack to reside in, and will secure their position in the pack by vilifying, or scapegoating someone else to feel better.
How does the narcissist manipulate minions into aligning with them?
The narcissist will divide a group of people with the use of triangulation in order to conquer a target. This strategy is used to align family members’, siblings’, the narcissistic child’s parent, employees’ and friends’ with the narcissist.
It becomes a case of: ‘well so and so (the target) doesn’t like you either. They said this this and this.’
Sadly these minion’s fall victim to a pack of lies. Triangulation reinforces to the narcissist’s allies that the target truely is a bad seed, needs to be taken down, isolated, and gotten rid of.
Do not be fooled. Yes, the target is being isolated; but the narcissist is also dividing and triangulating the flying monkeys’ against one another as well.
Do the flying monkey’s see the narcissist for who they truely are?
No, 95% of them do not. The narcissist’s followers know the narcissist has some problems, they just don’t know the depth of these problems. There is no reason for the narcissist to show their minions the dark side. They are simply secondary fuel sources to the narcissist. They have no need to challenge the narcissist, and are the perfect mirror for the narcissist, because they only ever see the false persona. The target is the only person who truly knows who the narcissist is.
The mirror is the problem here. If the mirror (being you) doesn’t reflect back to the narcissist want they want to hear about themselves, than the narcissist will smash the mirror. This is when scapegoating will occur. Flying monkeys’ are the perfect enabler’s, won’t step on the cracks, and enable enable enable. Where as, scapegoated individuals’ call a spade a spade and say it how it is.
What makes a flying monkey a flying monkey?
Typically, flying monkeys’ have various belief systems which elevate them into flying monkey status. A lot of flying monkeys’ are weak covert narcissists’ themselves, and don’t have a problem watching other people be bullied.
They are often abuse apologists’, forgive and forget types, who have a firm belief that people grow out of their mistakes. Flying monkeys’ excuse the narcissist’s reckless past behaviour, and believe that it is truely possible for people who have done terrible things to change; because I guess, sometimes people do change. The 5% of flying monkey’s that see the narcissist for what they are, (a troublemaker) dumb down the problem with little regard to the people it affects, and call it an emotional disability. Unfortunately a narcissist will choose these types of enabling beings to be their flying monkeys.
The good people who refuse to become flying monkeys
Be assured that a lot of people do know that your narcissist is an actor. They do see straight through the facade and question the stories the narcissist is telling them. They question why the narcissist’s ex can’t allow him or her to see the children. They wonder why the narcissist continues to claim that their ex has a mental health problem, when she or he looked ok last week. Good people do not befriend people who tell half truths, use the divide and conquer method on them, and constantly report that everybody is bad. These people will not become directly enmeshed with the narcissist because they know something is up. The flying monkeys’ however, are easily manipulated, and don’t view a red flag as a red flag.
The 5% of flying monkeys’ who know about the abuse
Every now and again a narcissistic abuse victim is told by a flying monkey that they know the narcissist is downright dangerous. These flying monkeys’ fall short because they remain tied to a person that is emotionally destroying the target, their friend or family member. They are too gutless to stand up for the abused, they don’t want to lose their comfort pleasures, and they have no issue sacrificing the mental health of the abused. This flying monkey does not care if the abuse pushes the individual to have a psychotic breakdown. As long as they’re ok, that’s all that matters.
These knowing flying monkeys’ often come in the form of one of the narcissist’s friends, or a disloyal sibling to a scapegoat; the one who has a vested interest in affiliating with the narcissist for their inheritance. These flying monkey’s are in some ways more morally accountable and karmically liable than the severely brainwashed flying monkey’s who have no idea they’re being manipulated. They know the narcissist is dangerous, and they don’t care about the nervous breakdown, or the suicide attempts which often come hand in hand for the family scapegoat who has been scapegoated and shunned by an entire family. This sibling wants the proverbial golden egg; and if their sibling has to go down in the process, well so be it. This person is not your friend.
‘If I had an inheritance, than maybe my sibling who knew I was being scapegoated months before I was discarded, would’ve stood up for me, told me what was going on, and would never have let it happen in the first place.’
This family member, or friend is not going to pull a scapegoater up on their bullying behaviour. If a scapegoated adult child has nothing but friendship to provide a knowing sibling flying monkey, than it only makes sense that a sibling so morally bankrupt will not be crossing over into the camp of the righteous any time soon.
This flying monkey may not directly pick on a victim, but when push comes to shove they most certainly are not for the victim.
The scapegoated victim’s pain means nothing to these knowing flying monkeys’. They do not care; because if they did, they would be so enraged at the abuse of another, that they wouldn’t be able to contain themselves. The desire to protect the person they love would be so strong that they wouldn’t be able to hold their tongue; and they most certainly would not have it in them to enable the perpetrator, soul destroyer, and life ruiner that almost pushed their sibling or friend over the edge.
Scapegoating is serious business, and the isolation involved can push the bullied victim to suicide. Outcast, shunned family scapegoats have been known to die from drug addiction and depression before, because the shame of being hated for being who they are is too much to handle. To know a parent turned a whole family against their child is one of the most painful things a family scapegoat can go through. For a knowing flying monkey sibling to know what has happened, and than go after money at the scapegoat’s expense is a disgusting thing to do.
Knowing flying monkey’s condone abuse at the expense of another, because standing up for truth would mean they would be thrown out of the family, or the friendship group. Unless a flying monkey is in the accidental flying monkey category, or the well meaning, these minions are never good people. There is something very wrong with a self- focused enabler who places their needs over the mental health of others.
Scapegoated victims’ are often told by these types that they shouldn’t have such high expectations in expecting their loved one or friend to stand up for them. It is common for these types of flying monkey’s to manipulate the scapegoated individual into believing that they are the problem because they won’t forgive, forget, and accept that all families’ are screwed up. This person needs you to forgive and forget a fully fledged perpetrator, stop talking about it, pretend the narcissist is relatively safe, and to stop expecting support from them; because they want their money. So, in order to push on towards an inheritance, they need this sibling to shut it, to remain invalidated, and ex communicated.
By saying nothing, laughing at the scapegoated individuals expense, and continuing to allow the scapegoater’s to believe that their behaviour is acceptable, and that what they did to this was ok, is a cowardly immoral, disgusting act.
These minions’ know exactly who and what the narcissist is, but they do not care about the impact the narcissist has on another. People like this do not have empathy. Empathetic friends or family, support scapegoated individuals. They don’t allow them to languish in emotional hell.
The great Martin Luther King once said ‘In the end we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. ‘
Do the flying monkeys’ know the narcissist to their full extent?
The answer is no, they do not. 95% of minions’ do not realise they are being recruited, and they do not know how dangerous the narcissist is. The narcissist doesn’t tell them the terrible things they do to their victim when they are away from the flying monkeys’. In situations of family abuse, workplace abuse, and abuse amongst friends, flying monkeys’ most often have no idea that the target is being set up, and that they, the flying monkeys are being used to triangulate against the target, and to act as a puppet on a string.
Flying monkeys’, or supposed friends’ of a narcissistic mother or father who complains that they can’t see their kids, and that their ex has a severe mental health problem, have absolutely no idea that their narcissistic co-worker or best friend is probably cyber stalking their ex, reporting them unnecessarily to human services, has stolen thousands of dollars from them, is lying about their character to anyone who will listen, and is setting them up for public shaming wherever possible. They have no idea that the narcissist has reversed the roles, and is actually impersonating their exe’s lovely personality to manipulate their flying monkeys’ in the first place. The horrible personality the narcissist re-invents as being their exes personality, is actually the narcissist’s personality.
The love-bombing, emulating of another’s personality, and random acts of kindness, make it almost impossible for an easily manipulated flying monkey to see through the narcissist.
HG Tudor, a well known narcissistic sociopath says himself that people are just plain stupid when it comes to believing the facade.
Will the flying monkeys’ ever see the narcissist for who they are?
The only way a flying monkey will ever who the narcissist is, is if they challenge the narcissist. If a flying monkey, particularly an accidental flying monkey stands up for a victim of abuse, disagrees with the narcissist, or doesn’t reflect back to the narcissist the mirror they want them to be, than yes, they will be thrown out of the fold, and scapegoated. Scapegoats’ can be replaced at any given moment, and flying monkeys’ can become scapegoats’.
Flying monkeys – which type?
Well meaning flying monkeys’
From my experience with well meaning flying monkeys’, they (and I have had a lot of experience with well meaning flying monkeys) have no idea the extent of the narcissist’s abusiveness, and they honestly think they are trying to help to fix a fixable situation. Flying monkey fathers’ and mothers’ can literally put scapegoated adult children in danger by trying to fix an unfixable relationship with the narcissistic parent.
Scapegoated adult children experience emotional horror when told by well-meaning flying monkeys’ who don’t know what they’re talking about that they were a cheeky a child, difficult to handle, and basically deserved the harsh punishments or abusive talk dished out to them.
These flying monkeys’ accept the narcissist’s perception of the child, or adult – child as being difficult, and will run with that, without question. They have no idea that their inappropriate intervention is mentally damaging and dangerous to say the least.
These same flying monkeys’ will take it upon themselves to question the scapegoat adult child on their reasoning behind no contact. They will often tell the scapegoated child that they need to forgive and forget vile abuse. These flying monkeys’ come in the form of minsters’, priests, church folk, elderly people who had good upbringings, or family friends who have no idea what narcissistic abuse is. These same people will listen to the scapegoat to no avail. The scapegoat’s voice goes unheard, and the flying monkey continues to believe they know better.
Common phrases of an abuse apologist flying monkey
‘We’ve all got faults.’
‘Forgive and forget.’
‘You were a cheeky child.’
‘You have to forgive at some point.’
‘It happened a long time ago.’
‘Its your mother.’ Or ‘But he’s your father.’
‘They’re the father of your children.’
‘You’re acting out on your ego.’
The abuse apologist has no concern for the psychological abuse committed against small children, or anybody else for that matter.
Why do the well meaning flying monkeys fall for such rot? Angelina’s story
A very close friend of mine Angelina was once a well meaning flying monkey. Angelina is now a scapegoat, and a repentant ex, well meaning flying monkey. Angelina, like so many other women who get involved with narcissistic men or women’ did not see through her narcissist’s false self.
Angelina had a child with this man, who also came into the relationship with a child from another relationship. Angelina was brainwashed into believing that her narcissist’s ex-partner had tried to ruin her narcissist’s life. Angelina’s narcissist told her that his ex had accused him of being a stalker, told child support all kinds of lies in effort to extract more money out of him, and even accused him of constantly deliberately under – estimating his income to child support. Of course he denied it, and said his ex was making his life a living hell. He displayed emotions of a victimised, hurt person. He claimed the reason he couldn’t see his child was because of his ex wife, and not his own actions. Angelina thought this woman was a monster.
Angelina stood up for her narcissist when he didn’t deserve to be stood up for. She even defended him black and blue when he had problems with colleagues, friends, family, and his own child.
Angelina left him ten years ago. He has been stalking her ever since. She is now in the exact same boat as his ex wife, and knows that his ex wife was telling the truth. The frightening reality is that this man comes across as so benign.
This man has well meaning flying monkey’s everywhere. Some people have likened him to mother Theresa. His story goes something like this. ‘I try to be nice to her in changeover. I just want to be a good dad. I love those kids so much, but she is just making my life a living hell.’
What he hasn’t told people is that he owes Angelina 7,000.00 in child support, says he wants to see the kids, when he actually wants to use the changeover excuse as a way of interacting with Angelina in the hope of extracting narcissitic supply from her. This man frequently publicly humiliates her while changing over, has stalked her, taunted her, has stolen money from her, has parentally alienated her and has convinced all of his flying monkeys that Angelina has a severe mental health problem.
The accidental flying monkey
The accidental flying monkey is a kind, caring person that often becomes entangled with narcissists’. They hold an overall belief that anyone can makes changes to their personality if they really want to.
The accidental flying monkey would never allow the narcissist to bully anyone else while in their company, and they refuse to talk nasty about people with the narcissist. Sometimes they will even gently pull the narcissist up without actually pulling them up. They are a secondary fuel source, and they are important to the narcissist. Again, they know the narcissist is entitled, troubled, and all the rest. This empath will pick the narcissist up if push comes to shove, and if the narcissist doesn’t like it, they will cease the friendship.
The judgemental, assuming flying monkey
Judgemental and assuming flying monkeys’ are often people who don’t even know the narcissist. These people are often friends’ or acquaintances’ of the victim. They get under the narcissistically abused victim’s skin because they judge the victim’s choices in regard to them or their children having no contact with the narcissist, whether that be the victim’s parent, or their child’s parent.
Again, these people can be fundamentally fanatical in their beliefs. These flying monkey types are random abuse apologists. Their fundamental belief is that relationships should be persisted with at all times.
For example: The friend of a scapegoated child may exclaim with complete disbelief that they cannot believe that their adult friend refuses to see their mother or father. In this situation this well meaning friend is not so well meaning. They are judging their close friend without facts. This judgemental friend has fundamental beliefs which are detrimental to the scapegoat adult child’s mental health.
These people believe that the target is flawed in some way, and that nobody can truely be as abusive as what the victim describes. These flying monkeys’ cannot look underneath the acts of abuse and deeply into the damage which has been done to the narcissists’ abuse victims’.
I have met flying monkey’s who honestly believe that everything should be just left to run its course, and a child’s journey with an abusive personality should be left uninterrupted. A lot of these people are narcissistic themselves, and often become overly invested in religious philosophy, law of attraction beliefs, and mindfulness techniques. They’ve missed the boat, and have misinterpreted some of the bibles most core beliefs about abusive people.
These types of people believe we should forgive and forget, and not to hold a grudge, regardless of heinous acts or crimes.
Hateful flying monkeys
Hateful flying monkeys’ come in all shapes and sizes. These flying monkeys’ will get involved in the shaming, smearing and bullying of a target. Again, scenarios differ; but the core reality here is that these people have become easily brainwashed to do the narcissist’s bidding. Yes, they do know that they are deliberately bullying the targeted individual; but they genuinely believe the target is at fault and deserves the abuse.
The hateful flying monkey that cyber stalks the victim, plays both sides of the fence, searches for private information to disclose about the victim, knows what they are doing. Do they know they have been manipulated, and brainwashed? No, they do not. The question is ‘do they care?.’ The answer is no, they don’t care.
Hateful flying monkeys are your snakes in the grass, and some of them are the equivalent to Hitler’s minions.
Children flying monkeys
Children do not know what they are doing, and they are under the vindictive spell of the narcissist. They are used as porns for the narcissistic parent to use in a game of chess, to checkmate the kinder parent. They are lied to about their parent, conned, and strategically manoeuvred. What happens to them is disgusting.
The sibling flying monkeys’ who know about the scapegoated child’s abuse
The sibling who never pulls the parent up on the terrible things being said about the scapegoated child is deliberately choosing to leave the scapegoat dangling over a metaphorical cliff. They are petrified of the narcissist, and they are their own number one.
Unfortunately these siblings’ are under the spell of mind control, and they all have one thing in common with their narcissistic abuser; they too are damaged and unwell. However, that being said, these flying monkeys’ are not good people. Good people do not sit in and listen to jokes about the scapegoat’s apparent emotional instability behind their backs.
Unfortunately adult scapegoat children of the narcissist often come to the conclusion that their siblings’ have no loyalty.
Do the psychopath’s flying monkeys’ know who the narcissist is?
It is very rare to find a flying monkey who knows the full extent of the narcissist. The healthy people who do, quickly realise the narcissist is a wolf, and relinquish all contact with the narcissist. Most flying monkey’s are so thoroughly manipulated by the narcissist that they honestly have no idea that they, the minions are acting like puppets on a string.
Always keep in mind that all fuel sources are assessed by the narcissist before the manipulations can begin. Flying monkeys’ are sourced for their naivety, insecurities, conforming behaviour, and predator pleasing traits. Narcissists’ deliberately choose people who will aid them in their unconscious onslaughts of targeted good people.
Question: Why is it exactly that the scapegoat child cannot trust their golden child sibling?
Answer: The golden child is committed to misunderstanding the scapegoat child, and in believing the smear campaign against them; the one full of lies.
What I am about to write about is not inclusive of every golden child. Some golden children do not exhibit any of the traits relating to this article and have the integrity enough to see right through the narcissist, tell the narcissist that they are in the wrong, and to stand by the scapegoat’s side. It is likely that if the golden child honours their scapegoated sibling in this way, (which is highly unusual) both children will be discarded from the family for having dared challenge the narcissist.
When I write about narcissism, I write about what I have witnessed happen in families where there is a narcissistic parent. The particular situation I am about to discuss runs rampant throughout narcissistic families’, and is more common than not.
My primary belief about the golden child (who forms a nasty alliance with the narcissist against the scapegoat) is that they are completely unaware of what they are doing and that they have been completely brainwashed by the narcissist. However, that being said, the golden child still makes an executive decision to aid the narcissist in their smear campaigns of the people who expose the narcissist, challenge the narcissist, or who simply have a difference of opinion from the narcissist.
Why does the golden child choose to side with the narcissist?
The narcissist lives and breathes to influence the golden child’s perception of the scapegoat. Through daily put-downs of the scapegoat, exaggerations, and half-truths about the scapegoat, the narcissist will gradually erode the golden child’s perception of their scapegoated sibling. At times mind control sessions will occur on an hourly basis (not daily, hourly).
As the scapegoat becomes older, more defiant and defensive against the abuse, the narcissist will begin to fear exposure, and will suddenly turn the tables on the scapegoat. This is when they will tell all kinds of outrageous lies about the scapegoat, and work especially hard to turn the golden child against their sibling.
By the time the scapegoat exposes the narcissist, the narcissist (who knew this was coming all along) has already pulled one over the scapegoat; and now nobody in the family will believe the scapegoat when they begin to the claim that there is something wrong with the family system.
A close relationship between the scapegoat and the golden child?
A close relationship between the scapegoat and golden child, will in fact, inevitably be destroyed by the narcissist. This will happen because the narcissist has been moulding the golden child’s perceptions of the scapegoat since birth. Eventually, the golden child will completely forfeit the close relationship they may have with the scapegoat (if they were ever close, to begin with), and will act out the narcissist’s contempt of the scapegoat through their body language, verbal language, and utter nastiness.
Any signs of anger or emotional confusion from the scapegoat about the treatment of them during the devaluation phase will be perceived by the narcissist and the golden child as symptoms of a severe mental health issue within the scapegoat; instead of a pretty normal reaction to vile abuse.
The narcissist’s intent is to push the scapegoat over the edge, so as all eyes are off them, and on the scapegoat instead. All of this happens because the scapegoat brings to the forefront the narcissist’s shortcomings.
The golden child’s relationship with the parent:
The golden child is bought by the narcissist, given the best of everything, and doted on daily. They are also continually groomed and hoovered by the parent, told just how entitled or special they are, and are reminded by the parent just how similar they are to them. We mustn’t forget that this child represents to the narcissist all of the goodness in them.
The narcissistic parent will encourage the other siblings’ to also adore the golden child too, to do everything for the golden child, and to love this child until no end.
This child is always right, never punished for harming the other siblings’, and their misdeeds are shoved under the carpet. All of their misdeeds are projected onto the scapegoat, and the scapegoat becomes the golden child’s fall guy early on in the piece.
The scapegoat’s relationship with the parent:
The scapegoat is despised in childhood. Some theories suggest that the scapegoat is the whistleblower or the truth teller in the family. However, the narcissist will claim that this child is treated differently for obvious reasons. They have apparently always been a difficult child; while of course, the golden child wasn’t. However, if the scapegoat was as adored, and never disciplined to extreme measures, like their golden child sibling, then the scapegoat child would have nothing to be upset about now, would they?
Excuses are always made by the narcissistic parent to explain away the abuse of the scapegoated child.
These claims made by the narcissist are most likely true. However, the narcissist is prone to exaggeration, and these behaviours are fairly normal in children; some more so than others. The narcissist cannot tolerate ordinary child-like behaviour because in their eyes they are entitled to have complete control over the child. In the narcissistic family, normal childlike behaviour such as squabbling between siblings, or a bit of back chatting is used against the children. The children who refuse to be seen and not heard are assessed by the narcissist as being problematic. For example; crying is pretty much prohibited in this family system, or explained away as crocodile tears and attention seeking.
The scapegoat grows up living in the golden child’s shadow. When they get upset about it, and have the audacity to have an argument with the narcissist about the issue, they are told that they are insane, have mental health problems, and are out of control. They may even be told that they are very similar to other people that the narcissist deems as crazy, such as relatives or friends.
The narcissist hopes that by denigrating this child they will be able to control the child. This tactic usually goes the other way for the narcissist. Instead, the scapegoat becomes distressed at the accusations hurled at them, and one day discloses the abuse.
Meanwhile, the golden child sits back and feels very special while this is happening to the scapegoat. The abuse of the scapegoat not only keeps this child out of the limelight, but it reinforces to the golden child what a good child they are, and what a bad child the scapegoat is.
Lets get one thing Straight: The golden child isn’t any better than the scapegoated child. They just haven’t been scapegoated; that is the difference.
Cinderella Syndrome: So, here we have a very real case of ‘Cinderella syndrome,’ which of course the golden – child revels in.
Abuse in silence:
A lot of the narcissist’s abuse towards the scapegoat is done behind closed doors, in private where other family members’ are unable to directly witness events which signify extreme abuse. Acts of subtle abuse, on the other hand, are committed in front of the entire family and are accepted by these family members as a consequence of the scapegoat’s behaviour. These family members’ have fallen prey to the brainwashing tactics of the narcissist, and now also believe, along with the narcissistic parent that the scapegoat’s normal childlike behaviour, is the behaviour of a child with something seriously wrong with them.
”It all depends on what the narcissist wants people to hear”
Abuse of the scapegoat is also initiated very subtly in front of the neighbours, friends, work colleagues, or even the coffee shop owner. Often, friends’, colleagues’, and family members’ accidentally perpetuate the abuse by telling the scapegoat that they are cheeky, should smile more, or that they have a sour persona. This reinforces to the scapegoated child that they are the problem.
Common phrases made to the narcissist’s minions:
These comments are said day in day out, sometimes five or six times in an hour. It is no wonder that the golden – child has a distorted perception of the scapegoat. They’re under the spell of mind control.
These continuous despicable comments eventually turn everybody against the scapegoat. So when the scapegoat acts out and claims that they are being treated unfairly, everybody, including the golden child, just thinks to themselves, ‘they’re crazy.’
A consequence of the scapegoat’s position in the family is that it enables the golden child, along with the other siblings, to blame their poor behaviour towards the scapegoat, on the scapegoat. Somehow, in some way, the scapegoat will always be blamed for the abuse hurled upon them.
The mind control that the narcissist has over the golden – child is a sure investment to the narcissist. Whenever the narcissistic parent requires the golden child’s allegiance against the scapegoat, the golden child will provide the narcissistic supply that the narcissist is asking for.
The narcissist has no empathy and no conscience; which means that they have absolutely no issue whatsoever with pushing the scapegoat over the edge emotionally. This way everybody will look to the scapegoat’s unusual behaviour, and focus on that rather than the narcissist.
Why must the scapegoat child never completely trust the golden child?
The golden child and the scapegoat child are sometimes good friends in childhood; best friends even. However, in most cases, the golden child will not accept that the scapegoat has been abused beyond belief. Deep down they too have internalised that the scapegoat is the crazy person, not the reverse.
They honestly don’t get it, and how could they? Most of the time people cannot empathise with an abused individual unless they’ve experienced something similar. Not once does the golden child ever question the impact the severe emotional abuse inflicted on the scapegoat, by the narcissist, may actually have on their sibling.
The scapegoat must never ever fully trust the golden child, under any circumstances. At the end of the day, it is most likely that when it comes down to it the golden child will always align with the narcissist.
What the scapegoat needs to understand about their relationship with the golden child:
The relationship with this child was never real and never had a chance. Relationships can’t exist when there is mind control involved or the likes of a dangerous manipulator.
The entitlement of the golden child:
The golden child believes they are so much better than their scapegoat sibling, who just cannot behave (apparently).
The golden child can be very two-faced. With entitlement can often come nastiness. Their specialness makes it ok for them to sit and laugh at the scapegoat behind their back, smear the scapegoat’s name, and continually put the scapegoat down.
The golden child has a sense entitlement, and they believe that everybody should treat them in a special manner.
The golden child:
The sad fact is that the golden – child doesn’t care. Its all about the survival of the fittest in this family, and if the golden child needs to turn on their sibling to keep in favour of a vile human being. Well, so be it.
It is absolutely imperative that scapegoated children, even in adulthood, never fully trust their golden child sibling; because unbeknown to the scapegoat child, the golden-child, even in early childhood, has taken on board the brainwashing tactics of the narcissist. Deep down, regardless of a friendship with the scapegoat child, or not, the golden child will always believe that the scapegoat is fundamentally floored.
This is what the evidence suggests about the scapegoat in the eyes of the golden – child:
The golden child has witnessed the scapegoat:
Golden child as judgemental:
The golden child is very judgemental and does not understand that these reactions are very normal reactions to a disgusting amount of psychological abuse.
The development of an alliance between golden child and narcissist: A scenario
In adulthood, the scapegoat may begin to tell people about their abuse, including the enabling parent. When they do this, and the truth becomes uncovered, the narcissist will take the scapegoat out, and destroy their relationships with the other siblings.
How does the narcissist use the golden – child to take the scapegoated adult child out ? A scenario
Narcissists are very revengeful: They will plot for months, or even years to get somebody back for some supposed slight that didn’t happen as they see it (like a scapegoat pouring their heart out to a family member about being on the receiving end of severe mental abuse).
First, the narcissist will hoover the scapegoat into the family by love bombing them. The scapegoat will find it odd that the person whom they have exposed is now making them soup, buying them things, and suddenly being very kind to them.
The scapegoat will believe in their mind that they have made amends with their parent, and that the parent has forgiven them for exposing the truth. However, they will notice that the tension heightens when they enter the room and that their siblings are acting strangely around them. The scapegoat will know for months in advance that something is wrong; they just won’t be able to put their finger on it.
The final showdown may happen at a function, or while the scapegoat is visiting the parent, who appears to want them around. I have heard many stories where a scapegoat is vilified in front of everyone at a function; only to have the scapegoat’s original suspicions clarified. The tension they originally felt around the family was very real. The narcissist had been sitting around with the help of the golden – child smearing the scapegoat’s name to the entire family.
Mind control is in full force: Finally, one of the children will have enough (most likely a golden child sibling – (there can be more than one) and blast the scapegoat. When the scapegoat questions the parent in private, their supposed slight of the narcissist will most likely be mentioned to the scapegoat as a reason as to why the discard occurred. The other children will most likely never know that this was all a revenge plot by the narcissist. At this point, the golden child will show no remorse for what has happened.
Redeveloping a relationship with the golden child:
I personally believe that the golden child has already shown the scapegoat who they are, and that the scapegoat should really take this into account. The golden child cannot be trusted, and they have most likely shown this to be true on several occasions.
Possibilities for a relationship may occur after the narcissist dies. However, the scapegoat will never be able to trust the golden child again, because when it suits them, they’ll just turn against their scapegoated sibling, as a way to avoid all accountability for their own vile behaviour. The only element that will change in this scenario is who they side with.
Until the golden child’s perception of the scapegoat changes, which is unlikely, the scapegoat may need to sever all ties with the golden child and kiss the relationship goodbye.
The lost child really is quite insightful to the emotionally dangerous family dynamics in a narcissistic family setting – and they pick up on the dysfunction at a very young age. Unlike the golden child and the scapegoat – the lost child of a narcissist quickly comes to the conclusion that this family is terribly dysfunctional. This child realises very early on in the picture that absolutely no amount of reasoning, or debate with their care – givers will help them, or their siblings.
After enduring some very harsh punishments for having a voice; or public shaming (in front of friends or family) for needing support, the lost child will realise that asking for their needs to be met simply doesn’t pay. Normal requests validated in functional families are invalidated in the lost child’s family, and always end in severe punishment.
This child immediately realises that they can not fix this family situation; and must not try to divert the attention away from the narcissistic parent, just in case all hell breaks loose. Becoming involved in the family conflict, messing with the narcissist, and supporting other family members means that this child could be dragged out to sea; to only become caught in the rift.
To be noticed in this dysfunctional family does more harm than good. To be invisible means to be seperate from the pain, suffering, and abuse spewed out all over the other siblings.
‘So, into their safe place, the lost child goes.’
Once the lost child comes to a conclusion about the family dynamics, they initiate a very well thought out plan; most likely developed subconsciously. They decide to go grey rock, and make limited demands from their family, in the hope of not being a burden, and drawing attention to themselves.
What are the consequences of hiding away?
As a result, the lost child is often excluded, forgotten about to a degree, and not involved in family matters. Overall, these consequences do keep the child safe. However, the child may feel terribly lonely, rejected and isolated.
Its a catch twenty two. The lost child gets what they want and need; but they also become rejected, and left feeling terribly unloved because they have no real close relationships with anybody in the family unit. These children often feel happier when with pets, or a favourite toy that can take them into an imaginative world of their own making.
How does a lost child stay out of the limelight?
The lost child is the child without a voice. They don’t make waves, and pretend to not have a problem with anyone in their family – or the dysfunction in the family. They spend an incredible amount of time out of sight, and away from the drama.
Lost children spend their time:
Out of sight, out of mind
Lost children are labelled by the dysfunctional family as the shy child, are often encouraged to participate more in classroom activities; and most often appear disengaged, or disconnected from others.
Which direction does the child take?
1. I must not bother anybody:
As an adult, the lost child may become too independent, knowing that asking for support will cause absolute chaos, and a rift with the narcissistic parent – who, of course, must have all the attention.
2. Social anxiety, and a lack of close relationships:
Lost children have been isolating themselves since child – hood as a safety mechanism. However, the chronic isolation may cause them to feel socially incapable later in adult life, and to experience severe social anxiety around people. If people become interested in the lost adult – child, the adult may panic, and go back inside of themselves.
Lost children run the risk of becoming extreme introverts.
Healthy relationships and lost children
These children never learned to trust people, because trusting people in childhood meant they could become physically, and emotionally harmed.
Lost children are often too scared to forge relationships with healthy people, through fear that other people will reject them like their parents did. They’ve been hurt too much. The idea of becoming close to other people, and getting hurt again makes them feel sick, and terribly anxious. They usually steer clear of close interpersonal relationships.
However, it is not unusual for lost children to have one ultra close friend.
The issue with isolation
Too much isolation isn’t good for one’s confidence or self-esteem. It can also cause chronic loneliness, agoraphobia type symptoms, paranoia, suicidal thoughts, and feelings of intense rejection.
Cognitive dissonance is an abuse tactic utilised by the narcissistic abuser to confuse the victim of abuse. To be in a state of cognitive dissonance, is to hold conflicting beliefs about the narcissistic abuser. In this state, the victim struggles to make a decision in regard to whether or not the abusive person is ok.
An abused child will experience cognitive dissonance when their abuser says one thing and does the opposite.
To be cognitively dissonant is to have two inconsistent thoughts ruminating within the mind about the person; often consistent with an overall, whole body, negative feeling about something or someone.
Why do abused children of narcissists often become afflicted with cognitive dissonance?
Children of narcissists are continually told one thing, only to experience the opposite. They may be told how loved they are, only to be abandoned when sick. They may be promised a special gift, only to be told when the gift is asked after, that they were never promised the gift.
The child becomes confused and anxious about the parent. They begin to suffer from cognitive dissonance; a very uncomfortable, whole body feeling, which completely takes over the child’s mind and body. Of course, the child often turns the feeling back onto themselves, and blames themselves for the abuse, in an effort to remain attached to their abusive parent.
‘Are they nice? Or are they cruel? Why do they do such lovely amazing things for me, and than hit me? Oh, it must be me that brings the worst out in my parents. Why else would they hit me, than provide for me so well?’
Who is vulnerable to cognitive dissonance?
Small children are especially vulnerable to cognitive dissonance because their minds are not yet developed enough to put two and two together. In fact, anyone, no matter what their age, can be vulnerable to cognitive dissonance abuse tactics. Unless of course, they are extremely intuitive, and knowledgable about narcissistic abuse.
Cognitive dissonance abuse examples:
What does cognitive dissonance feel like?
Cognitive dissonance is a horrible feeling for children to endure, because it leaves them in a state of confusion, limbo, and discomfort. They don’t know which way to turn, or what to do. Do they dismiss the behaviour, and travel on? Or do they accept that their parent is sick, and make plans to leave as soon as they are of age?
Victims of cognitive dissonance often feel as though they are going crazy, turn the cognitive dissonance back onto themselves, blame themselves for it, and believe it is just one more factor which proves that they are the crazy, unstable person.
Researchers believe that the awful feelings associated with cognitive dissonance are the very reason why abuse victims continue to stay in the relationship with the abuser.
How do children of narcissists soothe cognitive dissonance?
Abused children often make excuses for the abusive parent in order to release the anxiety they feel due to cognitive dissonance; all so as they can stay in the relationship with the parent.
The decision the victim often takes is the pathway offering less emotional pain. For victims of abuse, its all about safety; emotional and physical. If they can do everything within their power to please the abuser, instead of angering the abuser, they will be safe. So, they often turn a blind eye to the abuse, deny what they believe could be the truth, convince themselves that its all in their head, and make the decision to believe that their abusive parent really does love them.