Depending on the strain of narcissist, be they sociopathic, psychopathic, or just extremely malignant in their narcissism, a narcissistic ex can be extremely difficult to get away from – and even more difficult to co-parent with if they decide that their ex-partner is still an excellent fuel source.
Some narcissist’s sail off into the sunset, and want little to do with their ex and the children, whilst other narcissists’ behave as though they will melt into the earth itself, if they can no longer manipulate their ex into re-instating themselves as their narcissist’s primary source of supply.
Some weeks ago I stumbled upon the blog of a self-proclaimed narcissist, and sociopath – HG Tudor. After reading Tudor’s assessment of the narcissist’s relationship with their children, I now know that my assumptions made previously about the psychopath, sociopath, or narcissist’s relationship with the children, were right on the money.
The psychopath’s co-parenting relationship with their ex is not latched onto by the psychopath because the psychopath loves the children. Instead, the psychopath latches onto the co-parenting relationship with their ex for the sake of the fuel which can be extracted from the non-narcissistic parent because of the co-parenting relationship.
”Think of all of the possibilities a co-parenting relationship can provide for a born trouble maker. Hmmm, such a feeding ground.”
Malignant narcissists’ are parasitical in nature, and literally extract fuel from the people around them to feel uplifted, superior, grandiose, and free from emptiness.
Children are only extensions of the narcissist, and are often used in the co-parenting situation to antagonise the other parent, and to gain fuel from the parentally alienated parent through sadistic means.
The extremely malignant narcissist has very little interest in the children, if any. This breed of narcissist will agree to take the children overnight for three reasons.
For the more psychopathically inclined narcissist with weekend visitation, visiting the children is not actually about seeing the children at all. In fact, weekend visitation is actually about re-visiting the person whom was once the narcissist’s most conscientious and capable fuel supply. This person is the mouse that got away from the cat.
The narcissist will use the co-parenting situation as an opportunity to:
The psychopathic narcissist has no shame
It doesn’t matter how many times the psychopath is rejected by their ex, they will still use every opportunity possible relative to the co-parenting situation, to manipulate the non-narcissistic parent into spending time with them.
The best option for the non-narcissistic parent in regard to changeover?
It is extremely time consuming dealing with a psychopathic ex. The best option for the non-narcissistic parent in regard to changeover is to get a family member or friend to change the children over. Changeover with a psychopath hell bent on spending time with a non-narcissistic parent, provoking the other parent, or extracting fuel will never work. In the mind of the psychopath, a previous fuel source in a room with them for any amount of time is simply a sparkly object to be hoovered, and to extract fuel from.
Harassment from a narcissist
The psychopath whom is determined to spend time with their ex non- narcissist believes they own them. This is the ex that begs the non-narcissistic parent to get back together with them again and again, over and over again (hundreds of times), no matter how many times the non-narcissist has informed the narcissistic individual that this is just never going to happen.
What happens during changeover?
The narcissist will hit the non-narcissist up for support, begging them to hang out with them while they take the children out, claiming they need their support for any number of reasons. The narcissist will invite the parent to endless events, changeover after changeover, and may even turn up to the other parent’s favourite hang out or coffee shop with the children, sit down opposite the non-narcissistic parent, and order themselves a coffee during visitation with their children. At every opportunity the psychopathic narcissist will also quiz the non-narcissistic parent about their private sexual affairs.
The psychopathic narcissist will most definitely invite themselves into their ex partner’s home during changeover, and will use any excuse to come into the household, including the excuse that they need to use the toilet. Next thing the ex-partner knows is that their narcissist is switching the kettle on, pulling out two cups from the cupboard, and is asking their ex if they still take their tea or coffee the same way they used to.
This stream of narcissist will not take no for an answer, and will beg and beg and beg to spend time with the other parent, until of course, the non-narcissistic parent puts a stop to it. If the information coming from the object of interests mouth doesn’t align with what the psychopath wants and needs, than the information does not become processed by the psychopath’s brain.
What happens when the narcissist is asked to leave the ex partner’s home?
If the narcissist is asked to leave the non-narcissistic parent’s home, than the narcissist will inevitably make a big scene, try to turn the children against the other parent as they walk out the door, blame the non-narcissistic parent for the altercation that has taken place, and will bag them out to the kids all day long, convincing the children that they are not a bully, and that mummy or daddy should be nicer to them.
Question: How long can this behaviour from the psychopath go on for?
Answer: This behaviour can go on for years. The psychopathic narcissist does not take no for answer.
The obsessed narcissistic parent will stalk their ex, harass them, call them endlessly for no particular reason, and in time, things may get so bad, or so emotionally overwhelming, that changeovers may need to be done at the police station. And, yes, the non-narcissistic parent will be punished for cutting off contact, and for not allowing the narcissist to pick the children up from their home anymore.
What does the narcissistic parent do to pay the non-narcissistic back for cutting contact?
Why are they doing this to you? They own you! In the malignant narcissist’s mind you are an extension of them, and you must never try to get away. If you do, there will be hell to pay. If you get a partner early on in the piece there will be even more hell to pay.
Will they always taunt me?
Yes, the narcissistic parent will always taunt the non-narcissistic parent to some degree. As the years go by the incidents may become few and far between; yet, every now and again, the narcissist will drop a nasty emotional bomb on their non-narcissistic ex, just so as they can visualise from a distance the emotional effect their revenge is having on them. Behaving abusively from a distance is still fuel to be extracted in the narcissistic parent’s mind.
The end result? If the non-narcissistic parent (whom may well be suffering from PTSD by the time the narcissist backs off) weathers the storm throughout this particularly frightening time in their lives, and refuses to be the narcissistic parent’s fuel supply, the narcissist will eventually tire of trying to manipulate, and guilt the non-narcissistic parent into reinstating themselves as the narcissist’s primary fuel source.
It is a long emotional ride for the non-narcissistic parent. However, if the non-narcissistic parent stands their ground, and refuses to engage with the narcissist as much as they possibly can, the narcissist will eventually begin to lose interest in the co-parenting relationship, and the children themselves, which may be the best outcome for everybody involved.
If the non-narcissistic parent batons down the hatches, the narcissist will have no other choice but to find fuel elsewhere.
Up until today I was none the wiser about ‘narcissistic abuse awareness day.’ The official day is June 1st 2017 – and in all honesty I am very excited about this upcoming online event. The message is finally getting out there that narcissistic, sociopathic, and psychopathic abuse is a very real epidemic. Finally, after years of confusion, cognitive dissonance, and mind control, the narcissistically abused adult child (child of a lie) can come together for this online event, with other adult children of narcissists’, and feel acknowledged for what was a total mind screw of a childhood.
Narcissistically abused children live in an emotional torture chamber with a very sick parent whom, unfortunately cannot love them. They are picked to bits, either loved or hated, (depending on the narcissist’s agenda) often triangulated against by the entire immediate family for the smallest of slights, loved based on conditions, and are used by the narcissist to create the drama the narcissistic parent so desperately desires.
The psyche of a narcissistically abused child is extremely damaged. The child’s birth right to a self assured sense of self is stolen from them in childhood to suit the narcissist, who is on a quest for complete control over the child. The loss to the child because of one person’s selfishness is huge.
Narcissistic abuse is an issue which I am extremely passionate about. Narcissistic, sociopathic, and psychopathic abuse destroys lives, the soul, and the psyches of small children, whom are forced to endure their childhoods in an emotional torture chamber.
The uphill battle the narcissistically abused adult child goes through to recover from this extreme form of childhood abuse, (if they wish to embark on the journey) is an internal journey that I honestly believe one cannot describe to the intensity that this frighteningly painful journey deserves to be described. I am yet to read an excerpt written by a narcissistically abused adult child which explains in perfect wording the internal devastation, and emotional blocks or barriers which continue to crop up in the narcissistically abused adult child’s life on a day to day to basis; all because of over exposure to a really crazy person.
These fractured souls are worth fighting for, which is why it is important to continue to bring awareness to the people around us who are still completely unaware of narcissism itself, and the harsh realities surrounding it.
The emotional wounds deeply embedded in ones psyche because of narcissism are triggered by the world each and every day. If one could see these wounds, the body would be battered.
Narcissism is an under – acknowledged, quite often, dumbed down term for a lot of people; who do not understand the extent, or danger of narcissism. Narcissism is instead a diagnosis only searched out by abuse sufferers, whom are in desperate need of some relief from a crazy situation that they just do not understand, or blame themselves for, until of course they stumble across the term ‘narcissism’.
Psychological abuse – it can’t be proven
The biggest issue I have with psychological abuse is that it can’t be proven. In fact, a psychopath with an emulated false self is so dangerous and manipulative that they often have the ability to fool everybody around them, including the department of community services. Lawyers, doctors, social services, and easily manipulated psychologists don’t always see through this parental alienating, child abusing adult.
When I look back on my own experiences in regard to narcissism, I now believe that narcissism, or a person with ‘a screw loose’ can be noticed in the first couple of conversations with the narcissistic individual, regardless of whether or not they charm the pants off you. You just need to know what to look for, which of course a lot of people don’t.
Instead of overlooking that deep gut feeling, (which I’m sure psychologists and lawyers do) and falling prey to an emulated false self, psychological abuse situations including children need to be more thoroughly assessed by social services. It is this lack of psychological investigation, and apparent lack of proof that leaves so many children unsaved, and living in an emotional torture chamber. What urks me the most is that teachers, and other parents can see, even if they can’t exactly put their finger on the problem within the child at the time, that there is just something not right about the narcissistically abused child.
Question: And what do people say when they find out twenty years too late that their friend, co-worker, family member, or client is a psychopath?
Answer: ‘But he just seemed like such a nice guy’. Or, ‘She just seemed like such a lovely lady.’
Just because a parent has a solid career, dresses nicely, behaves politely, and puts food on the table does not mean that they are psychologically fit to be a parent.
What happens to the narcissistically abused child in adulthood?
For the extremely psychologically abused adult child of a narcissist, it is often not until adult – hood that the victim may choose to look deeply beneath the surface at their emotional wounds; the wounds that the world itself triggers each and everyday. Unfortunately, the prognosis is not good for these adult children. They often end up in therapy, and may even be diagnosed with a personality disorder themselves. The most common conditions suffered by adult children whom have been over exposed to narcissism is Post traumatic stress disorder, or Complex Post traumatic stress disorder. PTSD can often result in avoidant type personality problems.
Children with a narcissistic parent are also at a much higher risk of becoming involved in deeply intimate friendships or physical relationships with narcissistic individuals later on in life because this is all the adult child of a narcissist knows.
Children of narcissist’s live with a sense of brokenness that only children of narcissist’s would understand. They are often jumpy, filled with anxiety, on edge, afraid of confrontation, and the world itself.
A life lived with a broken psyche cannot be described, the internal state of a broken psyche cannot be described, mental anguish cannot be described, hyper-sensitivity cannot be described, feelings of hopelessness, a lack of confidence, a voice lost, and broken dreams squashed by emotional trauma, cannot always be described as explicitly as these emotional wounds are felt. However, if we could see the internal wounds as wounds on the body itself, than maybe children enduring psychological abuse would receive more support. Maybe than the ‘Department Of Community Services’, and the family law courts would finally begin to understand the detrimental, life lasting effects of psychological abuse; and would actually persevere in doing their very best to keep small children safe from psychologically dangerous parents’.
‘If only my wounds were visible,’ is the hashtag for ‘narcissistic abuse awareness day, and I would like to encourage anybody and everybody to show your support for narcissistically abused children by placing a twibbon on your facebook profile. You can find out moe information about this day of validation at www.wnaad.com.