Parental alienation is an extreme form of emotional abuse, forcing children to listen to, watch, and engage in, the full-blown mental abuse of the alienated parent. Alienating parents’ deliberately slander, and maliciously put down the alienated parent in an effort to destroy their relationship with the children.
If a child asks the alienating parent to stop denigrating the alienated parent, or outwardly disagrees with what is being said about the other parent, they may be raged at, disagreed with, ignored, or may even have love with-held.
Alienating another parent is a serious form of child abuse; which takes years for the adult children’ of parental alienators’ to work through. These children are lied to daily about the alienated parent, and brainwashed into believing that the alienated parent (usually the nicer parent) is actually abusing the alienating parent.
Why alienate another parent?
In the eyes of the parental alienator there are many benefits to alienating another person. Blaming somebody else for all of the problems within the family, means that the alienator doesn’t need to take responsibility for their own behaviour. By blaming their own behaviour on somebody else, this parent can perpetuate their own victim state as the bullied martyr who has to persist with such a difficult, dysfunctional co-parent.
Severe parental alienators’ want their children to feel sorry for them, because they need the children’s continued support in the fight against the alienated parent.
Alienating another parent means that narcissistic supply is endless, the alienator is guaranteed a life time supply of attention, will always be the person in the room with the most attention, and will forever have a scapegoat.
Over time the children slowly but surely begin to side with the alienating parent. Through the children, ( the alienating parent’s little puppets) this parent will make chaos where once there was none.
Parental alienators’ of the more severe kind are very sensitive individuals. They can’t handle any criticism. Any slight to their ego, and they will pull out of their little bag of tricks, survival skills that small children use to tackle similar situations.
Where and when can parental alienation occur?
Parental alienation can happen in the family home, right in front of the alienated parent, in the family home while the alienated parent is out of sight, in the alienating parent’s home if they are the primary caregiver, or at the alienating parent’s house during weekend visitation.
Parental alienators’ can be of either gender.
Three different types of parental alienators:
Dr Douglous Arnell, in his book, divorce casualties: ‘Protecting your children from parental alienation,’ describes three types of alienators’.
Mild: Naive alienators’ are unaware of what they are doing, and are prepared to change.
Moderate: When triggered, the active alienator loses control of appropriate boundaries, and loses their temper. When they calm down, they don’t want to admit that they were out of control.
Severe: Severe parental alienators’ are committed to destroying the other parent’s relationship with the child.
In the case of the severe parental alienator, no treatment exists, other than removing the child from the alienator’s care.
What is the parental alienator’s motivation?
A typical scenario:
Action: The alienating parent leaves the children unattended in their home for hours at a time. When the alienated parent becomes upset about this reoccuring problem, the parental alienator discusses the alienated parent’s reaction with the children, and uses this reaction to play ‘poor me.’ The parental alienator tells the children that the alienated parent has unfairly attacked them.
During reoccuring conversations with the children about the alienated parent’s behaviour, the alienating parent will always leave out what they have done to illicit such as reaction.
Continued scenarios similar to the above will continue to transpire, which will leave the children upset, confused, and feeling as though they need to resolve the problem for the alienating parent, and to protect this parent from the alienated parent.
What is wrong with the parental alienator?
The narcissistic parental alienator: Narcissists’ are very sensitive people. So sensitive in fact, that the smallest slight against their false self makes them crash, and endure what is known as a narcissistic injury. Narcissists’ split frequently, and see people as either all good or all bad. When a narcissist experiences a breakup with their children’s parent, this parent will immediately fall off their pedestal, and will be perceived as all bad.
The psychopathic parental alienator: The psychopath engages in parental alienation to win. Every situation in the psychopath’s life is about winning. This drive to win means that they consistently put their foot in it. Psychopaths often lose custody of the children for many reasons; not just parental alienation.
Parents’ with personality disorders are extremely sensitive people, and cannot handle any criticism. Criticism to sensitive people feels like a major rejection. Rejection to people with personality disorders, is a fate worse than death. To fight against the rejection, these people usually act with an air of superiority. With this air of superiority they will reject everybody around them with continued put – downs, and arrogant behaviour.
It is not uncommon for an alienator to:
For example: The alienating parent may engage the children in their disagreements with the alienated parent:
‘Look at what your mother does kids. Are you watching her. This is what she always does.’
Parental alienators’ will show the children private emails, and text messages that the alienated parent has written to the alienating parent.
For example: The alienated parent may email the alienating parent (instead of engaging directly due to the drama it causes) to ask if they can return the children’s soccer-boots next time they pick up the children, because without their soccer boots, the children will be unable to play in the next match. The alienating parent may take advantage of this situation, show their children the email, and claim that the alienated parent is bullying them, putting them down, and directly insulting them, again.
Severely disordered alienating parents’ will allow their children to listen to voice messages left for the alienating parent, especially messages which are stern, or show emotion. The alienating parent will pick the alienated parent’s emotions to pieces, and feign victim hood.
For example: If one of the teenage children is bi-sexual, the alienating parent may tell the child that the alienated parent doesn’t agree with their child’s sexual preferences.
The alienating parent will want the children to see them as the fun parent, the joker, and the parent who allows the child to do whatever they like while in the alienating parent’s home.
When with the alienating parent, the children may:
An example of good cop/ bad cop: A teenage child may be disciplined by the alienated parent and given consequences. The teenager goes to their ‘good cop’ parent for support, and confides in them about the incident. Instead of backing the alienated parent, the alienating parent may say something like:
‘You know your mother has anger management issues. You need to learn to ignore her.’
Alienating parents are well known for setting up the alienated parent. They plan these incidents out very carefully, and make sure that their children are there to become a part of the conflict they are about to create.
For example: The alienated parent sends the alienating parent an email highlighting a problem they both need to discuss when appropriate. The alienating parent contacts the alienated parent to discuss the problem. While discussing the topic, and in the middle of what is becoming a small disagreement, one of the children pipes up in the background and accuses the alienated parent of being in the wrong.
The alienating parent deliberately had the children with them when they made the phone call, and kept the phone on speaker so as the children could be witnesses to the discussion, and see for themselves how difficult the alienating parent is.
The severe parental alienator either lies outright to the children, or only tells half truths.
For example: If the alienated parent puts up a boundary because of the alienating parent’s inappropriate behaviour, than the boundary is spoken about to the children by the alienating parent; not the behaviour that lead to the boundary.
Example: The alienated parent may decide that they can no longer invite the alienating parent to anymore of the children’s birthday parties because the parent continues to belittle the alienated parent to the guests’ at the party.
The alienated parent uses this new boundary as an opportunity to play the victim, and to become outraged by the alienated parent’s treatment of them.
However, not once throughout this entire scenario has the alienating parent told the children what they did to contribute to the alienated parent’s decision.
If the alienated parent shouts at their child, the alienating parent paints the parent to be someone with anger – management problems, and behavioural issues.
If the alienated parent becomes upset with their child, the alienating parent will tell the child that it is not okay for their parent to be upset with them, to snap at them, or to speak to them in any way that makes the child feel uncomfortable.
Speaks negatively of the fun activities the children engage in with alienated parent:
The alienating parent may say things like:
‘Be careful while camping. I’ve heard that there are a lot of snakes out at this time of year.’
‘Why do you have to go so far away? I worry about you when you go on such long trips with daddy. You know he can’t drive for long without getting tired.’
Why has the alienator become this way?
Creation of a little soldier:
Common behaviours in children which signal they have been turned against the other parent:
What happens if the children expose the alienating parent?
If the children expose the alienating parent, this parent will deny the accusations, feign victimhood, and claim that the children are now turning against them as well.
The most common question asked by scapegoated adult children, alienated parents, and ex- partners who are suffering from narcissistic abuse syndrome is;
‘do the flying monkeys’ ever see the narcissist or psychopath for who they really are?’
I too have watched from the sidelines as my narcissist’s flying monkeys’ have flocked around the narcissist, and supported a sick, deranged being – whom we all know is a liar, triangulator, thief, predator, and a fake, at the expense of the true victim or victims’. The narcissistic situation is one of the few situations in life where the true victim is left alone to recover from what could often be described as a complete nervous breakdown, while the narcissist feigns victimhood, and presents as the person being targeted.
I too have wanted retribution and validation. I have also wanted those same flying monkeys’ that have worked for the narcissist to apologise, to come to their senses, to realise that they have been conned, and to understand that they do not know the ins and outs of what has actually gone down.
”Guess what? It ain’t going to happen. Or at least, not for a very long time.”
Why? Well there are two reasons.
Number one: The narcissist is a con artist, a master manipulator, deflector, love bomber and emulator.
Number two: The flying monkeys’ are often judgemental, easily manipulated, fall for tall stories, don’t have personal boundaries, and believe whatever they are told. A lot of flying monkeys’ are enabling types, abuse apologists, want something from the narcissist, believe that the target holding the narcissist accountable should just get on with it, forget that they were publicly humiliated, ganged up on and smeared – let it go, and forgive.
From my experience, flying monkeys’ exist because a target has challenged the narcissist in some way, and the narcissist feels criticised. Criticism is a fate worse then death for a narcissist, and is the very reason why narcissists’ have flying monkeys. 95% of flying monkeys’ have two things in common – they all believe in the false persona, and they can’t mind their own business.
Truth tellers, whistleblowers, scapegoated children, and exes, are always portrayed as the crazy one to the narcissist’s flying monkeys’. As soon as the victims tries to hold the narcissist accountable for their actions, the narcissist will deny what they have done to the victim. This is called gas lighting. If the narcissist cannot have complete control over every aspect of your mind, they will lie about you, and will try to control other people’s perception of you. Narcissists’ describe victims of abuse as unhinged, and out of touch with reality so as they can avoid accountability. Once the narcissist realises you are on to them, and they can’t control your opinion, the smear campaign begins.
The narcissist does not want to be found out for being the fake that they truely are. This would mean they would have no choice but to face their false self, and fess up to their disgusting deeds.Where there is a lack of responsibility, there will always be scapegoats’ and flying monkeys’.
How do healthy people handle gossip?
Healthy human beings often listen to the gossip, but leave it at that. They will reserve judgement until they get to know the other person, or hear the full story from both parties. Healthy people don’t become involved in triangulation, unless it is to put a stop to a triangulation.
What do flying monkey’s do when the narcissist plays the victim and makes up lies about a target?
Flying monkeys align straight away, get annoyed with the target for seeking accountability, and soothe the narcissist instead of the true victim, the target.
Flying monkeys’ are brainwashed, insecure people who fall hook line and sinker for the bait. In their mind they are aligning with the narcissist against a perpetrator; a targeted victim. They believe the target is the troubled bully in the relationship with the narcissist.
Flying monkeys’ have a pack mentality, are very insecure, have big issues themselves, like the stability of having a pack to reside in, and will secure their position in the pack by vilifying, or scapegoating someone else to feel better.
How does the narcissist manipulate minions into aligning with them?
The narcissist will divide a group of people with the use of triangulation in order to conquer a target. This strategy is used to align family members’, siblings’, the narcissistic child’s parent, employees’ and friends’ with the narcissist.
It becomes a case of: ‘well so and so (the target) doesn’t like you either. They said this this and this.’
Sadly these minion’s fall victim to a pack of lies. Triangulation reinforces to the narcissist’s allies that the target truely is a bad seed, needs to be taken down, isolated, and gotten rid of.
Do not be fooled. Yes, the target is being isolated; but the narcissist is also dividing and triangulating the flying monkeys’ against one another as well.
Do the flying monkey’s see the narcissist for who they truely are?
No, 95% of them do not. The narcissist’s followers know the narcissist has some problems, they just don’t know the depth of these problems. There is no reason for the narcissist to show their minions the dark side. They are simply secondary fuel sources to the narcissist. They have no need to challenge the narcissist, and are the perfect mirror for the narcissist, because they only ever see the false persona. The target is the only person who truly knows who the narcissist is.
The mirror is the problem here. If the mirror (being you) doesn’t reflect back to the narcissist want they want to hear about themselves, than the narcissist will smash the mirror. This is when scapegoating will occur. Flying monkeys’ are the perfect enabler’s, won’t step on the cracks, and enable enable enable. Where as, scapegoated individuals’ call a spade a spade and say it how it is.
What makes a flying monkey a flying monkey?
Typically, flying monkeys’ have various belief systems which elevate them into flying monkey status. A lot of flying monkeys’ are weak covert narcissists’ themselves, and don’t have a problem watching other people be bullied.
They are often abuse apologists’, forgive and forget types, who have a firm belief that people grow out of their mistakes. Flying monkeys’ excuse the narcissist’s reckless past behaviour, and believe that it is truely possible for people who have done terrible things to change; because I guess, sometimes people do change. The 5% of flying monkey’s that see the narcissist for what they are, (a troublemaker) dumb down the problem with little regard to the people it affects, and call it an emotional disability. Unfortunately a narcissist will choose these types of enabling beings to be their flying monkeys.
The good people who refuse to become flying monkeys
Be assured that a lot of people do know that your narcissist is an actor. They do see straight through the facade and question the stories the narcissist is telling them. They question why the narcissist’s ex can’t allow him or her to see the children. They wonder why the narcissist continues to claim that their ex has a mental health problem, when she or he looked ok last week. Good people do not befriend people who tell half truths, use the divide and conquer method on them, and constantly report that everybody is bad. These people will not become directly enmeshed with the narcissist because they know something is up. The flying monkeys’ however, are easily manipulated, and don’t view a red flag as a red flag.
The 5% of flying monkeys’ who know about the abuse
Every now and again a narcissistic abuse victim is told by a flying monkey that they know the narcissist is downright dangerous. These flying monkeys’ fall short because they remain tied to a person that is emotionally destroying the target, their friend or family member. They are too gutless to stand up for the abused, they don’t want to lose their comfort pleasures, and they have no issue sacrificing the mental health of the abused. This flying monkey does not care if the abuse pushes the individual to have a psychotic breakdown. As long as they’re ok, that’s all that matters.
These knowing flying monkeys’ often come in the form of one of the narcissist’s friends, or a disloyal sibling to a scapegoat; the one who has a vested interest in affiliating with the narcissist for their inheritance. These flying monkey’s are in some ways more morally accountable and karmically liable than the severely brainwashed flying monkey’s who have no idea they’re being manipulated. They know the narcissist is dangerous, and they don’t care about the nervous breakdown, or the suicide attempts which often come hand in hand for the family scapegoat who has been scapegoated and shunned by an entire family. This sibling wants the proverbial golden egg; and if their sibling has to go down in the process, well so be it. This person is not your friend.
‘If I had an inheritance, than maybe my sibling who knew I was being scapegoated months before I was discarded, would’ve stood up for me, told me what was going on, and would never have let it happen in the first place.’
This family member, or friend is not going to pull a scapegoater up on their bullying behaviour. If a scapegoated adult child has nothing but friendship to provide a knowing sibling flying monkey, than it only makes sense that a sibling so morally bankrupt will not be crossing over into the camp of the righteous any time soon.
This flying monkey may not directly pick on a victim, but when push comes to shove they most certainly are not for the victim.
The scapegoated victim’s pain means nothing to these knowing flying monkeys’. They do not care; because if they did, they would be so enraged at the abuse of another, that they wouldn’t be able to contain themselves. The desire to protect the person they love would be so strong that they wouldn’t be able to hold their tongue; and they most certainly would not have it in them to enable the perpetrator, soul destroyer, and life ruiner that almost pushed their sibling or friend over the edge.
Scapegoating is serious business, and the isolation involved can push the bullied victim to suicide. Outcast, shunned family scapegoats have been known to die from drug addiction and depression before, because the shame of being hated for being who they are is too much to handle. To know a parent turned a whole family against their child is one of the most painful things a family scapegoat can go through. For a knowing flying monkey sibling to know what has happened, and than go after money at the scapegoat’s expense is a disgusting thing to do.
Knowing flying monkey’s condone abuse at the expense of another, because standing up for truth would mean they would be thrown out of the family, or the friendship group. Unless a flying monkey is in the accidental flying monkey category, or the well meaning, these minions are never good people. There is something very wrong with a self- focused enabler who places their needs over the mental health of others.
Scapegoated victims’ are often told by these types that they shouldn’t have such high expectations in expecting their loved one or friend to stand up for them. It is common for these types of flying monkey’s to manipulate the scapegoated individual into believing that they are the problem because they won’t forgive, forget, and accept that all families’ are screwed up. This person needs you to forgive and forget a fully fledged perpetrator, stop talking about it, pretend the narcissist is relatively safe, and to stop expecting support from them; because they want their money. So, in order to push on towards an inheritance, they need this sibling to shut it, to remain invalidated, and ex communicated.
By saying nothing, laughing at the scapegoated individuals expense, and continuing to allow the scapegoater’s to believe that their behaviour is acceptable, and that what they did to this was ok, is a cowardly immoral, disgusting act.
These minions’ know exactly who and what the narcissist is, but they do not care about the impact the narcissist has on another. People like this do not have empathy. Empathetic friends or family, support scapegoated individuals. They don’t allow them to languish in emotional hell.
The great Martin Luther King once said ‘In the end we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. ‘
Do the flying monkeys’ know the narcissist to their full extent?
The answer is no, they do not. 95% of minions’ do not realise they are being recruited, and they do not know how dangerous the narcissist is. The narcissist doesn’t tell them the terrible things they do to their victim when they are away from the flying monkeys’. In situations of family abuse, workplace abuse, and abuse amongst friends, flying monkeys’ most often have no idea that the target is being set up, and that they, the flying monkeys are being used to triangulate against the target, and to act as a puppet on a string.
Flying monkeys’, or supposed friends’ of a narcissistic mother or father who complains that they can’t see their kids, and that their ex has a severe mental health problem, have absolutely no idea that their narcissistic co-worker or best friend is probably cyber stalking their ex, reporting them unnecessarily to human services, has stolen thousands of dollars from them, is lying about their character to anyone who will listen, and is setting them up for public shaming wherever possible. They have no idea that the narcissist has reversed the roles, and is actually impersonating their exe’s lovely personality to manipulate their flying monkeys’ in the first place. The horrible personality the narcissist re-invents as being their exes personality, is actually the narcissist’s personality.
The love-bombing, emulating of another’s personality, and random acts of kindness, make it almost impossible for an easily manipulated flying monkey to see through the narcissist.
HG Tudor, a well known narcissistic sociopath says himself that people are just plain stupid when it comes to believing the facade.
Will the flying monkeys’ ever see the narcissist for who they are?
The only way a flying monkey will ever who the narcissist is, is if they challenge the narcissist. If a flying monkey, particularly an accidental flying monkey stands up for a victim of abuse, disagrees with the narcissist, or doesn’t reflect back to the narcissist the mirror they want them to be, than yes, they will be thrown out of the fold, and scapegoated. Scapegoats’ can be replaced at any given moment, and flying monkeys’ can become scapegoats’.
Flying monkeys – which type?
Well meaning flying monkeys’
From my experience with well meaning flying monkeys’, they (and I have had a lot of experience with well meaning flying monkeys) have no idea the extent of the narcissist’s abusiveness, and they honestly think they are trying to help to fix a fixable situation. Flying monkey fathers’ and mothers’ can literally put scapegoated adult children in danger by trying to fix an unfixable relationship with the narcissistic parent.
Scapegoated adult children experience emotional horror when told by well-meaning flying monkeys’ who don’t know what they’re talking about that they were a cheeky a child, difficult to handle, and basically deserved the harsh punishments or abusive talk dished out to them.
These flying monkeys’ accept the narcissist’s perception of the child, or adult – child as being difficult, and will run with that, without question. They have no idea that their inappropriate intervention is mentally damaging and dangerous to say the least.
These same flying monkeys’ will take it upon themselves to question the scapegoat adult child on their reasoning behind no contact. They will often tell the scapegoated child that they need to forgive and forget vile abuse. These flying monkeys’ come in the form of minsters’, priests, church folk, elderly people who had good upbringings, or family friends who have no idea what narcissistic abuse is. These same people will listen to the scapegoat to no avail. The scapegoat’s voice goes unheard, and the flying monkey continues to believe they know better.
Common phrases of an abuse apologist flying monkey
‘We’ve all got faults.’
‘Forgive and forget.’
‘You were a cheeky child.’
‘You have to forgive at some point.’
‘It happened a long time ago.’
‘Its your mother.’ Or ‘But he’s your father.’
‘They’re the father of your children.’
‘You’re acting out on your ego.’
The abuse apologist has no concern for the psychological abuse committed against small children, or anybody else for that matter.
Why do the well meaning flying monkeys fall for such rot? Angelina’s story
A very close friend of mine Angelina was once a well meaning flying monkey. Angelina is now a scapegoat, and a repentant ex, well meaning flying monkey. Angelina, like so many other women who get involved with narcissistic men or women’ did not see through her narcissist’s false self.
Angelina had a child with this man, who also came into the relationship with a child from another relationship. Angelina was brainwashed into believing that her narcissist’s ex-partner had tried to ruin her narcissist’s life. Angelina’s narcissist told her that his ex had accused him of being a stalker, told child support all kinds of lies in effort to extract more money out of him, and even accused him of constantly deliberately under – estimating his income to child support. Of course he denied it, and said his ex was making his life a living hell. He displayed emotions of a victimised, hurt person. He claimed the reason he couldn’t see his child was because of his ex wife, and not his own actions. Angelina thought this woman was a monster.
Angelina stood up for her narcissist when he didn’t deserve to be stood up for. She even defended him black and blue when he had problems with colleagues, friends, family, and his own child.
Angelina left him ten years ago. He has been stalking her ever since. She is now in the exact same boat as his ex wife, and knows that his ex wife was telling the truth. The frightening reality is that this man comes across as so benign.
This man has well meaning flying monkey’s everywhere. Some people have likened him to mother Theresa. His story goes something like this. ‘I try to be nice to her in changeover. I just want to be a good dad. I love those kids so much, but she is just making my life a living hell.’
What he hasn’t told people is that he owes Angelina 7,000.00 in child support, says he wants to see the kids, when he actually wants to use the changeover excuse as a way of interacting with Angelina in the hope of extracting narcissitic supply from her. This man frequently publicly humiliates her while changing over, has stalked her, taunted her, has stolen money from her, has parentally alienated her and has convinced all of his flying monkeys that Angelina has a severe mental health problem.
The accidental flying monkey
The accidental flying monkey is a kind, caring person that often becomes entangled with narcissists’. They hold an overall belief that anyone can makes changes to their personality if they really want to.
The accidental flying monkey would never allow the narcissist to bully anyone else while in their company, and they refuse to talk nasty about people with the narcissist. Sometimes they will even gently pull the narcissist up without actually pulling them up. They are a secondary fuel source, and they are important to the narcissist. Again, they know the narcissist is entitled, troubled, and all the rest. This empath will pick the narcissist up if push comes to shove, and if the narcissist doesn’t like it, they will cease the friendship.
The judgemental, assuming flying monkey
Judgemental and assuming flying monkeys’ are often people who don’t even know the narcissist. These people are often friends’ or acquaintances’ of the victim. They get under the narcissistically abused victim’s skin because they judge the victim’s choices in regard to them or their children having no contact with the narcissist, whether that be the victim’s parent, or their child’s parent.
Again, these people can be fundamentally fanatical in their beliefs. These flying monkey types are random abuse apologists. Their fundamental belief is that relationships should be persisted with at all times.
For example: The friend of a scapegoated child may exclaim with complete disbelief that they cannot believe that their adult friend refuses to see their mother or father. In this situation this well meaning friend is not so well meaning. They are judging their close friend without facts. This judgemental friend has fundamental beliefs which are detrimental to the scapegoat adult child’s mental health.
These people believe that the target is flawed in some way, and that nobody can truely be as abusive as what the victim describes. These flying monkeys’ cannot look underneath the acts of abuse and deeply into the damage which has been done to the narcissists’ abuse victims’.
I have met flying monkey’s who honestly believe that everything should be just left to run its course, and a child’s journey with an abusive personality should be left uninterrupted. A lot of these people are narcissistic themselves, and often become overly invested in religious philosophy, law of attraction beliefs, and mindfulness techniques. They’ve missed the boat, and have misinterpreted some of the bibles most core beliefs about abusive people.
These types of people believe we should forgive and forget, and not to hold a grudge, regardless of heinous acts or crimes.
Hateful flying monkeys
Hateful flying monkeys’ come in all shapes and sizes. These flying monkeys’ will get involved in the shaming, smearing and bullying of a target. Again, scenarios differ; but the core reality here is that these people have become easily brainwashed to do the narcissist’s bidding. Yes, they do know that they are deliberately bullying the targeted individual; but they genuinely believe the target is at fault and deserves the abuse.
The hateful flying monkey that cyber stalks the victim, plays both sides of the fence, searches for private information to disclose about the victim, knows what they are doing. Do they know they have been manipulated, and brainwashed? No, they do not. The question is ‘do they care?.’ The answer is no, they don’t care.
Hateful flying monkeys are your snakes in the grass, and some of them are the equivalent to Hitler’s minions.
Children flying monkeys
Children do not know what they are doing, and they are under the vindictive spell of the narcissist. They are used as porns for the narcissistic parent to use in a game of chess, to checkmate the kinder parent. They are lied to about their parent, conned, and strategically manoeuvred. What happens to them is disgusting.
The sibling flying monkeys’ who know about the scapegoated child’s abuse
The sibling who never pulls the parent up on the terrible things being said about the scapegoated child is deliberately choosing to leave the scapegoat dangling over a metaphorical cliff. They are petrified of the narcissist, and they are their own number one.
Unfortunately these siblings’ are under the spell of mind control, and they all have one thing in common with their narcissistic abuser; they too are damaged and unwell. However, that being said, these flying monkeys’ are not good people. Good people do not sit in and listen to jokes about the scapegoat’s apparent emotional instability behind their backs.
Unfortunately adult scapegoat children of the narcissist often come to the conclusion that their siblings’ have no loyalty.
Do the psychopath’s flying monkeys’ know who the narcissist is?
It is very rare to find a flying monkey who knows the full extent of the narcissist. The healthy people who do, quickly realise the narcissist is a wolf, and relinquish all contact with the narcissist. Most flying monkey’s are so thoroughly manipulated by the narcissist that they honestly have no idea that they, the minions are acting like puppets on a string.
Always keep in mind that all fuel sources are assessed by the narcissist before the manipulations can begin. Flying monkeys’ are sourced for their naivety, insecurities, conforming behaviour, and predator pleasing traits. Narcissists’ deliberately choose people who will aid them in their unconscious onslaughts of targeted good people.
Cyber- bully’s commit their atrocious acts while socialising in cyberspace through the use of popular social media applications including, but not limited to; face-book, twitter, whats app, or email. The intention of cyberbullying is to hurt, and to demean the target, as well as to diminish their self-esteem. Bullying can engage in social, psychological and even physical harm, in more extreme circumstances.
Perpetrators may write nasty emails, send cruel texts, or post videos and photographs which are unflattering to the target. Online is the perfect environment to commit these acts because gossip spreads quickly, and is difficult to delete.
Other forms of cyber -bullying include:
Cyber-bullying, like school-yard bullying can cause great emotional harm to victims; often inducing fear, shame, guilt and fear. Bullying can lead to depression, deliberate isolation of oneself, low self-esteem, and other mental health issues.
Accessibility to the internet, and the reality that young people are spending more and more time on screens, means that avoiding bullying is difficult. It is not unusual for teens to have access to, or to even own, two or more different forms of technology which can be used to access the internet.
Mobile phones and laptops make it easy for wifi to be accessed by teenagers at school, in the library, in a cafe, or even on the bus, if need be. This regular access to technology means that cyber-bullying is becoming harder and harder for adults to manage.
At what age does cyber-bullying begin?
Cyber-bullying is likely to begin late in primary school, and early in high – school. Girls are more likely to participate in cyber-bullying than boys, and it is much more common for older students with regular access to technology to participate in cyber-bullying, than it is for children entering primary school.
The primary school cyber-bully’s focus:
The primary school cyber-bully is more focused on the physical appearance of their target, while high – school cyber-bully’s are more focused on the behaviour of their peers in social settings, especially the peers who don’t fit in.
The safe schools initiative:
The safe schools initiative has specific policies which address cyber-bullying; and safe schools’ encourage children to become a part of an open, supportive and connected school culture. The national safe schools’ framework helps Australian schools develop student safety and well-being policies.
Schools can implement cyber safety lesson plans, and teachers’ can openly encourage all students’ to be active bystanders if they witness bullying.
If teachers’ have significant concerns that a student is being cyber – bullied, this should be discussed with the student, and their parent’s and carer’s. Students should be provided with options, including psychological support if needed.
What does the law say about cyber bullying?
What can happen?
What to do?
Report cyber-bullying to the social media site: The social media site will take appropriate action against anyone abusing the terms of service.
Review the terms and conditions, or rights and responsibilities sections of the social networking site: The terms and conditions describe what inappropriate content looks like and how to make a complaint.
Visit social media safety centres: Teach your teenager how to use the settings to control who can make contact with you.
Use the report button: The best way to report abusive content is to use the report button next to the content itself.
Keep evidence: If the attacks persist, you may need to report the activity to an internet service provider and they will want to see the messages.
See a councillor: Talking about the bullying with somebody outside of the problem, like a councillor, can reassure the child that this is not their fault.
Speak to the school: Look into the schools’ policies on bullying, and utilise the resources provided by the school, which are there to sort the problem out. Keep all evidence of the events taking place.
Handling a schoolyard bully is difficult, even for the self-assured, confident child. However, for the child with few friends, a lack of confidence, and a shy persona, the school yard bully is their worst nightmare.
Make no mistake- the bully is studying your child to see if there are aspects of your child’s personality which could potentially make them their next target.
Children who are over reactive, shy, lacking in confidence, or who exhibit body language exacerbating these traits are common candidates for a bully.
‘The good news is, it doesn’t have to be this way.’
Knowledge is power – and without it, children can easily become disempowered, and begin to feel hopeless in the face of bullying. The power children have against bullying is in the skills they are given to protect themselves from the affects of bullying.
What can your child do to avoid bullying?
What can parents’ do to help their child with bullying?
Ask your child about the children they play with: Ask your child about the dynamics in their group of friends’. Ask them who they are friends with, and who the bullies’ are. Always enquire about your child’s engagement with the bully. Remind your child to always be polite to the bully; but to steer clear of a close friendship with this person.
Remind your child:
Question: Why is it exactly that the scapegoat child cannot trust their golden child sibling?
Answer: The golden child is committed to misunderstanding the scapegoat child, and in believing the smear campaign against them; the one full of lies.
What I am about to write about is not inclusive of every golden child. Some golden children do not exhibit any of the traits relating to this article and have the integrity enough to see right through the narcissist, tell the narcissist that they are in the wrong, and to stand by the scapegoat’s side. It is likely that if the golden child honours their scapegoated sibling in this way, (which is highly unusual) both children will be discarded from the family for having dared challenge the narcissist.
When I write about narcissism, I write about what I have witnessed happen in families where there is a narcissistic parent. The particular situation I am about to discuss runs rampant throughout narcissistic families’, and is more common than not.
My primary belief about the golden child (who forms a nasty alliance with the narcissist against the scapegoat) is that they are completely unaware of what they are doing and that they have been completely brainwashed by the narcissist. However, that being said, the golden child still makes an executive decision to aid the narcissist in their smear campaigns of the people who expose the narcissist, challenge the narcissist, or who simply have a difference of opinion from the narcissist.
Why does the golden child choose to side with the narcissist?
The narcissist lives and breathes to influence the golden child’s perception of the scapegoat. Through daily put-downs of the scapegoat, exaggerations, and half-truths about the scapegoat, the narcissist will gradually erode the golden child’s perception of their scapegoated sibling. At times mind control sessions will occur on an hourly basis (not daily, hourly).
As the scapegoat becomes older, more defiant and defensive against the abuse, the narcissist will begin to fear exposure, and will suddenly turn the tables on the scapegoat. This is when they will tell all kinds of outrageous lies about the scapegoat, and work especially hard to turn the golden child against their sibling.
By the time the scapegoat exposes the narcissist, the narcissist (who knew this was coming all along) has already pulled one over the scapegoat; and now nobody in the family will believe the scapegoat when they begin to the claim that there is something wrong with the family system.
A close relationship between the scapegoat and the golden child?
A close relationship between the scapegoat and golden child, will in fact, inevitably be destroyed by the narcissist. This will happen because the narcissist has been moulding the golden child’s perceptions of the scapegoat since birth. Eventually, the golden child will completely forfeit the close relationship they may have with the scapegoat (if they were ever close, to begin with), and will act out the narcissist’s contempt of the scapegoat through their body language, verbal language, and utter nastiness.
Any signs of anger or emotional confusion from the scapegoat about the treatment of them during the devaluation phase will be perceived by the narcissist and the golden child as symptoms of a severe mental health issue within the scapegoat; instead of a pretty normal reaction to vile abuse.
The narcissist’s intent is to push the scapegoat over the edge, so as all eyes are off them, and on the scapegoat instead. All of this happens because the scapegoat brings to the forefront the narcissist’s shortcomings.
The golden child’s relationship with the parent:
The golden child is bought by the narcissist, given the best of everything, and doted on daily. They are also continually groomed and hoovered by the parent, told just how entitled or special they are, and are reminded by the parent just how similar they are to them. We mustn’t forget that this child represents to the narcissist all of the goodness in them.
The narcissistic parent will encourage the other siblings’ to also adore the golden child too, to do everything for the golden child, and to love this child until no end.
This child is always right, never punished for harming the other siblings’, and their misdeeds are shoved under the carpet. All of their misdeeds are projected onto the scapegoat, and the scapegoat becomes the golden child’s fall guy early on in the piece.
The scapegoat’s relationship with the parent:
The scapegoat is despised in childhood. Some theories suggest that the scapegoat is the whistleblower or the truth teller in the family. However, the narcissist will claim that this child is treated differently for obvious reasons. They have apparently always been a difficult child; while of course, the golden child wasn’t. However, if the scapegoat was as adored, and never disciplined to extreme measures, like their golden child sibling, then the scapegoat child would have nothing to be upset about now, would they?
Excuses are always made by the narcissistic parent to explain away the abuse of the scapegoated child.
These claims made by the narcissist are most likely true. However, the narcissist is prone to exaggeration, and these behaviours are fairly normal in children; some more so than others. The narcissist cannot tolerate ordinary child-like behaviour because in their eyes they are entitled to have complete control over the child. In the narcissistic family, normal childlike behaviour such as squabbling between siblings, or a bit of back chatting is used against the children. The children who refuse to be seen and not heard are assessed by the narcissist as being problematic. For example; crying is pretty much prohibited in this family system, or explained away as crocodile tears and attention seeking.
The scapegoat grows up living in the golden child’s shadow. When they get upset about it, and have the audacity to have an argument with the narcissist about the issue, they are told that they are insane, have mental health problems, and are out of control. They may even be told that they are very similar to other people that the narcissist deems as crazy, such as relatives or friends.
The narcissist hopes that by denigrating this child they will be able to control the child. This tactic usually goes the other way for the narcissist. Instead, the scapegoat becomes distressed at the accusations hurled at them, and one day discloses the abuse.
Meanwhile, the golden child sits back and feels very special while this is happening to the scapegoat. The abuse of the scapegoat not only keeps this child out of the limelight, but it reinforces to the golden child what a good child they are, and what a bad child the scapegoat is.
Lets get one thing Straight: The golden child isn’t any better than the scapegoated child. They just haven’t been scapegoated; that is the difference.
Cinderella Syndrome: So, here we have a very real case of ‘Cinderella syndrome,’ which of course the golden – child revels in.
Abuse in silence:
A lot of the narcissist’s abuse towards the scapegoat is done behind closed doors, in private where other family members’ are unable to directly witness events which signify extreme abuse. Acts of subtle abuse, on the other hand, are committed in front of the entire family and are accepted by these family members as a consequence of the scapegoat’s behaviour. These family members’ have fallen prey to the brainwashing tactics of the narcissist, and now also believe, along with the narcissistic parent that the scapegoat’s normal childlike behaviour, is the behaviour of a child with something seriously wrong with them.
”It all depends on what the narcissist wants people to hear”
Abuse of the scapegoat is also initiated very subtly in front of the neighbours, friends, work colleagues, or even the coffee shop owner. Often, friends’, colleagues’, and family members’ accidentally perpetuate the abuse by telling the scapegoat that they are cheeky, should smile more, or that they have a sour persona. This reinforces to the scapegoated child that they are the problem.
Common phrases made to the narcissist’s minions:
These comments are said day in day out, sometimes five or six times in an hour. It is no wonder that the golden – child has a distorted perception of the scapegoat. They’re under the spell of mind control.
These continuous despicable comments eventually turn everybody against the scapegoat. So when the scapegoat acts out and claims that they are being treated unfairly, everybody, including the golden child, just thinks to themselves, ‘they’re crazy.’
A consequence of the scapegoat’s position in the family is that it enables the golden child, along with the other siblings, to blame their poor behaviour towards the scapegoat, on the scapegoat. Somehow, in some way, the scapegoat will always be blamed for the abuse hurled upon them.
The mind control that the narcissist has over the golden – child is a sure investment to the narcissist. Whenever the narcissistic parent requires the golden child’s allegiance against the scapegoat, the golden child will provide the narcissistic supply that the narcissist is asking for.
The narcissist has no empathy and no conscience; which means that they have absolutely no issue whatsoever with pushing the scapegoat over the edge emotionally. This way everybody will look to the scapegoat’s unusual behaviour, and focus on that rather than the narcissist.
Why must the scapegoat child never completely trust the golden child?
The golden child and the scapegoat child are sometimes good friends in childhood; best friends even. However, in most cases, the golden child will not accept that the scapegoat has been abused beyond belief. Deep down they too have internalised that the scapegoat is the crazy person, not the reverse.
They honestly don’t get it, and how could they? Most of the time people cannot empathise with an abused individual unless they’ve experienced something similar. Not once does the golden child ever question the impact the severe emotional abuse inflicted on the scapegoat, by the narcissist, may actually have on their sibling.
The scapegoat must never ever fully trust the golden child, under any circumstances. At the end of the day, it is most likely that when it comes down to it the golden child will always align with the narcissist.
What the scapegoat needs to understand about their relationship with the golden child:
The relationship with this child was never real and never had a chance. Relationships can’t exist when there is mind control involved or the likes of a dangerous manipulator.
The entitlement of the golden child:
The golden child believes they are so much better than their scapegoat sibling, who just cannot behave (apparently).
The golden child can be very two-faced. With entitlement can often come nastiness. Their specialness makes it ok for them to sit and laugh at the scapegoat behind their back, smear the scapegoat’s name, and continually put the scapegoat down.
The golden child has a sense entitlement, and they believe that everybody should treat them in a special manner.
The golden child:
The sad fact is that the golden – child doesn’t care. Its all about the survival of the fittest in this family, and if the golden child needs to turn on their sibling to keep in favour of a vile human being. Well, so be it.
It is absolutely imperative that scapegoated children, even in adulthood, never fully trust their golden child sibling; because unbeknown to the scapegoat child, the golden-child, even in early childhood, has taken on board the brainwashing tactics of the narcissist. Deep down, regardless of a friendship with the scapegoat child, or not, the golden child will always believe that the scapegoat is fundamentally floored.
This is what the evidence suggests about the scapegoat in the eyes of the golden – child:
The golden child has witnessed the scapegoat:
Golden child as judgemental:
The golden child is very judgemental and does not understand that these reactions are very normal reactions to a disgusting amount of psychological abuse.
The development of an alliance between golden child and narcissist: A scenario
In adulthood, the scapegoat may begin to tell people about their abuse, including the enabling parent. When they do this, and the truth becomes uncovered, the narcissist will take the scapegoat out, and destroy their relationships with the other siblings.
How does the narcissist use the golden – child to take the scapegoated adult child out ? A scenario
Narcissists are very revengeful: They will plot for months, or even years to get somebody back for some supposed slight that didn’t happen as they see it (like a scapegoat pouring their heart out to a family member about being on the receiving end of severe mental abuse).
First, the narcissist will hoover the scapegoat into the family by love bombing them. The scapegoat will find it odd that the person whom they have exposed is now making them soup, buying them things, and suddenly being very kind to them.
The scapegoat will believe in their mind that they have made amends with their parent, and that the parent has forgiven them for exposing the truth. However, they will notice that the tension heightens when they enter the room and that their siblings are acting strangely around them. The scapegoat will know for months in advance that something is wrong; they just won’t be able to put their finger on it.
The final showdown may happen at a function, or while the scapegoat is visiting the parent, who appears to want them around. I have heard many stories where a scapegoat is vilified in front of everyone at a function; only to have the scapegoat’s original suspicions clarified. The tension they originally felt around the family was very real. The narcissist had been sitting around with the help of the golden – child smearing the scapegoat’s name to the entire family.
Mind control is in full force: Finally, one of the children will have enough (most likely a golden child sibling – (there can be more than one) and blast the scapegoat. When the scapegoat questions the parent in private, their supposed slight of the narcissist will most likely be mentioned to the scapegoat as a reason as to why the discard occurred. The other children will most likely never know that this was all a revenge plot by the narcissist. At this point, the golden child will show no remorse for what has happened.
Redeveloping a relationship with the golden child:
I personally believe that the golden child has already shown the scapegoat who they are, and that the scapegoat should really take this into account. The golden child cannot be trusted, and they have most likely shown this to be true on several occasions.
Possibilities for a relationship may occur after the narcissist dies. However, the scapegoat will never be able to trust the golden child again, because when it suits them, they’ll just turn against their scapegoated sibling, as a way to avoid all accountability for their own vile behaviour. The only element that will change in this scenario is who they side with.
Until the golden child’s perception of the scapegoat changes, which is unlikely, the scapegoat may need to sever all ties with the golden child and kiss the relationship goodbye.
To tell or not to tell?
When my son was first diagnosed with ‘Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder,’ I often wondered if I should just be honest with him about his neurological condition. I racked my brains daily for an answer to this question, and asked myself often:
‘what is it exactly that I am hoping to achieve by telling my son the truth?’
The answer to this question was always the same. In the very early days I believed that by being honest with my son, it would give him the answers that he was already looking for subconsciously. Deep down, my son knew that there was something wrong.
Children are not silly. They know when something is up. If I have the information which can clarify for my son why he does what he does, than why wouldn’t I tell them?
My son was genuinely relieved to know why he can’t sit still, why he is overly reactive, why he is impulsive, and why he is unable to control his hyperactivity. For him, it was like a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders.
The reason why I told my son about his ADHD
Before I told my son that he had ADHD, he had already been experiencing feelings of inadequacy and low-self esteem for two years or more. He was angry at himself for behaving the way he did, for not being able to manage his own behaviour, and he often described himself as a bad person. For a mother, this was absolutely alarming to hear him say these things about himself.
My son was very articulate in the way he was able to describe how terribly inadequate he honestly felt; especially when he observed the behavioural control that his siblings, and peers were able to exhibit, without needing to go to lot of effort. This internal dislike of himself was affecting his confidence, his self esteem – and it was taking away from his happiness.
I wasn’t prepared to sit back and watch my son sit in these feelings daily, when I knew that I could sit down and explain in child – like terminology exactly what was going on for him in regard to his self-esteem, hyperactivity, and impulse control.
The big turn around:
Things to consider before telling your child they have ADHD?
Pros to telling your child about their ADHD diagnosis
Cons to telling your child about their ADHD diagnosis
Your child may:
How did I tell my child he has ADHD
Children with ‘Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder’ find it particularly difficult to contain their own behaviour, forget to behave, forget that there will be consequences involved if they don’t behave, and lack impulse control. These children struggle daily to remember the boundaries, adhere to the boundaries, and to keep their impulse control in check. For the ‘Attention deficit hyperactivity disordered child’, there is simply way too much going on in their brain.
Imagine not having the ability to think before you act, not having the capacity to concentrate, and being so impulsive that you forget you are not to hit other children. This is the life of an ADHD child. Unfortunately, these children are more likely to get twice as much trouble as their siblings or peers.
Children with ADHD need extremely understanding parents, or otherwise, they run the risk of being disciplined too much.
The ADHD child’s vulnerability
The ‘Attention deficit hyperactivity disordered’ child has a major vulnerability. Having ADHD is like standing in amongst a crowded room in a fleuro suit. These children are so impulsive, hyperactive, and defiant, that they are at risk of being over – disciplined by their parents, teachers, and other adults in positions of authority.
Therefore, they are also vulnerable to harsh discipline techniques, more discipline than other children, and shameful thoughts about self, because they are in trouble often.
The problem with ‘Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder,’ as a neurological condition, is that the condition itself tests the patience of the child’s caregivers, and teachers. ADHD takes its toll on the child’s parents, because this condition is unrelenting – and is described by paediatrician’s as having an immature brain. This is a child who requires the utmost patience from their parents, teachers, other children and siblings.
Therefore, these children are vulnerable to harsh discipline techniques, more discipline than other children, and deep – seated inner shame, and turmoil.
The importance of not over-disciplining the ADHD child
I am very careful not to over discipline my son – because in time, with treatment, his brain will mature.
The last thing a parent with an ADHD child wants is to do, is to make the situation worse, which is easily done if the ADHD child is over – disciplined.
Corporal punishment is not going to stop this child from acting out. If this is the method of punishment being used to tame the ADHD child, than the child will most likely become angry, resent the parents’ and rebel instead. Rebelling with a serious neurological condition such as ADHD could have a very negative impact on the child and their family.
Too much discipline can also create a sense of mistrust from the child towards their parent, if the child senses early on that their parent cannot tolerate them. If a child feels as though their parents are committed to understanding them, and supporting them with their condition, they will want to please their caregiver, and will continue to work on their ADHD symptoms.
Children with ADHD need the utmost understanding
ADHD children need to know that their parents’ understand the nature of their neurological condition, and can be trusted to work with them in over – coming the issues associated with the condition, instead of exacerbating the problem.
To hit an ADHD child for out of control impulsive behaviour is saying to the child ‘I do not have the patience for your inability.’
The ADHD child’s intention is not to be naughty or difficult. Most children want to please. Just like these children, ADHD children try very hard to control their own brain.
Punitive style discipline
Parents who use corporal punishment or punitive style discipline techniques in the hope of a quick fix, run the risk of igniting their child’s sense of shame, or accidentally perpetuating their child’s poor impulse control, by unknowingly encouraging them to act out on their poor behaviours. Children with ADHD find it very difficult not to be reactive.
Punitive style discipline doesn’t work with any child. However, because a child with ‘Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder’ is often given double the discipline compared to other children, they may just give up, and start to believe that they are unworthy, and no good. This is when the child may stop trying. If this happens, their behaviour may become out of control.
Cognitive behavioural therapy
Cognitive behavioural therapy for ADHD children can improve behavioural problems. In a therapeutic setting, the parent and child work together to learn how to interact with one another differently in order to resolve the child’s behaviour.
The two programmes, (PCIT) Parent child interactive therapy, and the (PPP) Positive parenting programme encourages parents to praise their child, to use positive reinforcement frequently, and to put in place consistent consequences. Life is much easier for both the child and the parent, if the child is completely aware of the boundaries.
Cognitive behavioural therapy is designed to break the continuous cycle of emotion – thought – than a behaviour. This is the ADHD child’s continuous cycle, and becomes embedded in the child’s psyche. If this cycle isn’t dealt with in childhood, this same cycle could become problematic in teenage years, and young adult – hood.
How does cognitive behavioural therapy work?
Discipline techniques for ADHD children
Time out for children with ADHD can help them to calm down, and to restore themselves.
Pick your battles:
Try not to discipline too much; otherwise your child will begin to feel as though they can not do anything right, which is when they may just give up.
Don’t change the rules:
Children with ADHD need to have consistent rules. They need to know exactly how they are, and how they are not allowed to behave. Inconsistent rules and boundaries will result in the child becoming defiant and difficult.
Discuss the behaviour with your child:
Sometimes ADHD children need some advice from their parents on how best to work on their behaviour. Short discussions, as well as consequences can be very effective with these children.
The confident child is self assured, doesn’t suffer from self-doubt or anxiety, and believes in themselves. This child doesn’t second guess themselves, or allow anxiety to take over when faced with difficult decisions.
Self assured children are not afraid to say how they feel, are assertive, confident in expressing themselves, believe in their values, beliefs or opinions, and know who they are. The confident child does not depend on the approval of other children, does not need everybody to like them, is not an approval seeker, and has the confidence to show discernment when choosing friends.
Parents can assist their children with their confidence by being supportive of their child, and by acknowledging that their child is a little person seperate from themselves. Children should be free to explore their surroundings, and to make mistakes, without their parent’s responding to their independence with over protective, oppressive, or controlling behaviour.
Confidence as arrogance
Confidence should never be mistaken for as arrogance. Arrogance is a false sense of confidence, which masks deep seated insecurities, and other problems. Children who mistake arrogance as confidence, often mirror arrogance in their parents, and expect that this arrogance will be seen by the outside world as confidence. Confidence is not nasty, condescending, or down putting of other people. That instead, is problematic, and will cause problems later down the track for the arrogant child in their personal relationships.
How do we encourage confidence in our children?
Encouraging children in their journey towards confidence does not mean that we need to overpraise them. Too many compliments may put the child in a position where they learn to depend on praise for their confidence.
Establishing a secure bond with your child from birth by using the attachment parenting method establishes an everlasting bond with the parent, where the child feels safe; so safe in fact that they will feel free to explore the world around them. Once the child feels bonded to the parent, they will begin to explore their own space, to do things for themselves, and will slowly become independent from the parent to a degree.
The child with a strong bond to their parent knows that the parent trusts them enough to allow them to step away from the parent more and more as they get older.
Children who have a good attachment to their parents are confident, dependent, and strong. They know that they can come to and from their parents for advice and guidance without judgement.
Acceptance, and the feeling of being loved unconditionally develops a secure foundation for children. Children in this position know that if they make a mistake, they are still loved. Parents who love their children unconditionally do not with -hold love when their child disappoints them, do not put into place harsh over the top punishments, and will accept their child’s different opinions, or beliefs. Children who feel attached to their parents, secure within the parent/ child relationship, and completely accepted by their parents, tend to be quite confident.
Children learn to overcome the obstacles in front of them by developing the skills to deal with the obstacle head on, not by their parent or caregiver taking the obstacle away from them. Its all in trial and error.
Confident children make mistakes, accept that it was a mistake, deal with the mistake, handle it as best they can, and than move on from the mistake.
If parents try to stop every mistake that their child is about to make, from happening, than the child will begin to feel nervous and anxious about making mistakes.
If a parent makes a mistake, and handles this well, than their child will follow their lead, and mirror their parent’s behaviour.
Confident children negotiate with their parents, and the other children in their circle. They learn through trial and error about how to get what it is that they want and need. For example; a confident child will access the skills they have learned, such as assertiveness, kind words, give and take, sharing, and inner strength, to obtain what they are in need of; whether that be an item, friendship, food, water, a fair outcome, or a more positive result.
For example; a child who wants their barbie doll back from another child may;
Guidance from parents to help their children to resolve problems in positive ways by speaking up, by asserting their needs, or through negotiation, will also enhance the child’s confidence.
Teaching your child to acknowledge their feelings, and to accept their feelings, teaches them that feelings are ok to have as long as they are handled properly. Teaching children strong emotional regulation skills forms a solid foundation for good confidence. When parents help their children to work through these feelings without judging the child, this too, will enhance their confidence.
Listening to your child when they express themselves tells your child that they are important enough to be heard by you. When they go out into the world, they will feel important and confident enough to say how they feel, without feeling embarrassed or shameful for expressing their feelings.
Talking about feelings is very important for children.Children must never feel as though they are not allowed to have their feelings, as though it is not safe to express themselves, or as though they cannot share their opinion in regard to events which have invoked strong feelings. Confident children feel important enough to have their feelings listened to and validated.
It is now three years on since my son was diagnosed with ADHD; and I have spent these last three years building my son’s confidence. Parents of ADHD children know all too well that their child’s confidence will most definitely take a beating, as a primary consequence of their child’s self defeating, uncontrollable behaviour.
Question: How is a child who is almost always in trouble, cannot concentrate, and has an inability to control their impulses, supposed to maintain their confidence?
The answer is: It is most unlikely that they will be able to, without constant support.
ADHD children are kind of smacked down before they even get a chance to stand up, because of the way their brain functions. This is a brain that they are unable to contain; unless of course they are medicated, or placed on a stringent, un-fun diet.
I have had to medicate my son, change the way I parent my son, make sure my son is supported by his teacher’s at his school, and case – managed, in order to save my son’s confidence.
He simply is not like my other children. Through no fault of his own, he cannot behave, or process information in the same way that his siblings can.
When my kids do something wrong, or inappropriate, they get a consequence. After being in trouble up to three times over the same issue, they eventually stop.
This is not how it goes for my son. He could be in trouble for the exact same reason as his siblings, twenty times over, instead of their three times; which is seventeen times more than his siblings. Same consequences for the same issue – different person.
Of course he is going to feel silly, dumb, defective and disordered.
ADHD children in the classroom
ADHD children are monitored and reprimanded more than the children around them. They are continually asked not to call out, to stop moving, to put their hand up to speak, not to leave the classroom without asking, not to stand up in the middle of a task, and not to be silly when doing class work. You name it, the ADHD child will be asked not to do it; and not just once, but hundreds of times. ADHD children attract a lot of attention from adults and their peers, all for the wrong reasons.
Children with ADHD need praise more than the non ADHD child. They need to be built up, driven towards their goals, and told that they can achieve, just like everyone else.
Building my ADHD child’s confidence
My son had a terrible first year at school. He said he felt ‘like a bad boy,’ all the time. This went on daily, right up until the end of kindergarten, when he was finally diagnosed with ADHD. It was at this moment that I knew I would have to work daily on my son’s confidence, before it was pulled right out from underneath him.
What did I do?
I have been open and transparent with my son about ‘Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.’ I have explained to him what it is, what this diagnosis means for him, and how exactly his brain functions. He knows he has difficulty concentrating, with impulse control, and his behaviour.
I believe that ADHD children need to know that they have ADHD at a fairly young age, so as they are aware that they have a neurological condition; instead of a defective personality, which makes them bad.
”Knowledge is power”
My son and I talk about his symptoms together. I have normalised them, and described these symptoms as small details that we need to work on. He sees ADHD as something he needs to keep tabs on; nothing more. My son now know’s why he does what he does, what we need to do to improve the symptoms, and how we go about it. He no longer feels shameful about his behaviour, because he now knows that this is a fairly common disorder, lots of people have it, and he is not alone.
My strategies for helping my ADHD child maintain his confidence
My son’s tool box
Unfortunately, ADHD can be a very debilitating disorder for little children. ADHD can invoke shame, guilt, and lots of sadness, because the ADHD child does not know how to control their own brain.
It has taken me three years to build my son’s self-esteem back up to where it was before he entered school. It has taken a lot of work, an amazing amount of effort, research and time. However, a lot of what I have talked about has helped my son. He no longer feels dumb, silly, or bad; which is how he always felt before I formulated a plan to support him.
He’s doing pretty well. As far as I can see, he is very confident. He isn’t worried about wearing his pink gumboots up the street, and still practices his ninja turtle squat moves while jumping off walls when out and about. So, I’m pleased with the outcome for my quirky ADHD boy.
Traumatised children from dysfunctional families quickly learn in early childhood that they are not worthy of attention, or unconditional love. Children of self – absorbed parents are often told that they are no good, are criticised daily, blamed for the treacherous abuse inflicted upon them, and shamed for having needs.
These children often grow up, taking with them, these negative views about themselves. They tend to accept the ill treatment inflicted on them by others, as a reflection of who they are – because this is what they were told in their early childhood years.
Traumatised adult children expect to be abandoned by everybody whom they come into contact with, somewhere in the near future; even by their best friend, or the love of their life. Abuse, rejection and abandonment in later adult life is what they expect to happen, and is what they feel deserving of; because they honestly believe that they will be forever at fault, bad, unworthy, undeserving, and unlovable.
This child lives, breathes, abides by, and often acts out on the lies they were told about themselves well into adulthood. They truely live in a mental prison.
The phrase which takes over the child’s mind and erodes their perception:
‘If my parents say these things about me, than they must be true.’
Phrases like this one have become cemented in their mind, and have destroyed their internal world further. Unfortunately, the traumatised child was lied to about themselves, and will live with these lies until they can no longer handle it, and decide to go and get help.
The faulty self image:
Dysfunctional parents will use intimidating, down – putting body language, behaviour, and verbal abuse to in-still in the child’s mind, feelings of inadequacy, unworthiness and/ incompetence. The child interprets the parent’s negative behaviour towards them as a reflection of who are they, not who their parent is.
These deep seated, intensely ingrained beliefs develop within the child because the parent has taken their anger out on the child; abandoned, abused, neglected, and continually criticised them. In the eyes of the child, a parent wouldn’t be so horrific to them unless they were obviously a bad, terrible child.
Children only know what they are taught:
If a child is being mistreated to extreme degrees, they will take it on, believe they are deserving of the treatment, and accept it without question. The confidence that was meant to develop within them between the ages of 0-4 was annihilated before it even had a chance to develop. So, instead of challenging the parent’s behaviour, like a confident child would, the traumatised child accepts the adult’s behaviour towards them as a ramification of their own badness, and insignificance.
The child often decides to look deeply within themselves in search of a way to fix the dysfunctional family dynamics, instead of accepting that there is something very wrong with the primary perpetrator, their parent.
If the parent abandons the child, the child will see this as a reflection of their inadequacy. If the parent restricts love, the child will direct the shame from that incident, inward. To them, this damaging behaviour exhibited by the parent is not a reflection of the parent, but a reflection of them. If the traumatised child is criticised daily, than the child accepts their caregivers perception of them – that they are incapable.
Those first few years:
The first years of the child’s life sets the stage for a negative view of self to formulate, and therefore, will affect the child’s entire life.
Once this false view of the child is formed, it holds its weight for the rest of time, and affects every single aspect of the child’s life well into adult-hood, on a daily basis.
‘ If one thinks they are no good, than how can they possibly make sensible decisions, believe in their own decisions, or even have the audacity to make decisions that put themselves first?’
The traumatised child may become an adult that is in need of constant approval, cannot make a decision without running it past someone else, and who has absolutely no self belief.
This negative false view of the child, that was never real in the first place, will affect their level of success, communication skills, ability to be assertive, and ongoing choices and dreams.
When the child enters a recovery programme in adulthood, they will eventually change their view of themselves, and realise that their parents’ were very sick.
Unable to distinguish a trustworthy person from an untrustworthy person:
Children who have been betrayed by the people closest to them often live in a state of chronic anxiety. This chronic anxiety is ignited when the child is around people, because they feel as though they can’t trust anyone. It is a hit and miss for this child, because they often don’t notice the red flags when they arise anyway. Or, if they do see the red flags, they may blame themselves for the red flags, because in their eyes they are the problem in all of their relationships, not the person they’re in the friendship, or relationship with.
Quite often, a traumatised child who is riddled with self- hate, will be happy if some one simply pays them some attention, or behaves nicely towards them. These children also tend to be very accepting of dysfunctional people, and may believe that other people with low self-esteem are a perfect match for them.
As a consequence, they often end up trusting people based on momentary kindness, which can lead to being taken advantage of and manipulated. Traumatised children often end up trusting people who shouldn’t be trusted, and decide not to trust those who can be trusted.
Irrational and distorted self – statements:
Once a child takes on their parents’ perception of themselves, they will treat themselves accordingly, and expect everybody else to treat them with contempt as well.
This child is overly critical of themselves, and easily manipulated into believing someone else’s negative view of them. They will struggle to believe that they are deserving of good things, may reject compliments, and may even reject those who compliment them – because in their mind, it is the people who perceive them in a good light that have the wrong end of the stick, and really should taken a second look to find the evil being, lurking deep within.
From now on this child will expect rejection, and know its on it way.
The effect of recurring mistreatment from others:
When someone mistreats the traumatised child, this child will most likely endure a shame spiral. This shame spiral will be fuelled by irrational negative self-talk, and memories of wrong doings.
When a downright nasty person behaves in ways similar to their original care givers, the traumatised child will see this as a confirmation of their inadequacy, and lack of significance.
In recovery, these abused children become adults who slowly but surely become aware of their distorted beliefs about self. Over time they will learn how to correct them.
The traumatised child becomes an adult whom lacks in confidence, and doesn’t believe that they will ever succeed. One step backwards becomes proof that they will never have any success. Some children over achieve because they feel so worthless. These children often believe that if they become successful, than they will be able to prove to the world, and to the people that didn’t love them, that they are ok.
Other children go the other way, and achieve a lot less than what they are capable of.
The over – achiever never believes that they will actually succeed, feels anxious in situations where they could fail in the eyes of others, believes that their successes will never be good enough, and expects everything they’ve ever achieved, to fall apart at some point.
The effect of new surroundings on the traumatised person:
A new workplace, school, new partner, or a new friendship will trigger anxiety, possible panic attacks, feelings of inadequacy, and a fear of being found out. These adult children don’t how to be, feel as though all eyes are on them, that they could be picked apart again; and due to previous experience, they cannot accept that their environment is a safe place to be in.
Children with low self-esteem carry their low self- esteem with them, well into adult hood – and choose the wrong partners as a result:
Adult children of abusive parents often walk into, and remain in abusive, unsatisfying relationships. They are frightened of change, scared to be alone, and they don’t believe they are capable of making sound decisions.
While in the process of recovery, these individuals learn to believe in themselves, and to recognise that their success is real and well-earned.
Over reacts to situations:
The traumatised child with low self – esteem is generally filled with negative beliefs about themselves. They often over react to comments or behaviour from others that they view as inappropriate. They can become completely enraged by a simple comment, may feel shattered and depleted because of minor disagreements; and may not be able to handle somebody cancelling plans, or changing their mind about going through with a favour.
These people low in self esteem may instantly react, becoming enraged, filled with sarcasm, or begin to make accusations if they feel slighted, unappreciated, or treated as insignificant.
A lot of the time, paranoia, and low self- esteem attacks inhibit the traumatised person. They often imagine that other people are purposefully mistreating or ignoring them, when they aren’t.
This is what happens when the caregivers’ these children loved and trusted went ahead and destroyed the child’s perception of themselves, which this child now believes is real, and noticeable to everybody else.