My question is why? Why do so many people go and get married when they know the statistics? What makes these couples think their marriage will succeed when the statistics say otherwise? And what are we doing wrong in our relationships with one another to produce such devastating results? Are our beliefs or values about marriage wrong, or even silly? Maybe relationships do have an expiry date, and maybe we should just accept it, recognise that nothing is forever, and move on once things become too chaotic.
People are money orientated, un-indated by consumerism, and constantly on the go. We continue to try to keep up with the world, provide the best life possible for our children, and get ahead. Where is the time to put the effort into nourishing a marriage? How can a couple water their marriage with love and attention when there is very little quality time to do so?
Life gets in the way of all different types of relationships. The pair of bestie’s who couldn’t stay away from one another at school don’t always stay in contact throughout adult hood. Siblings move on, marital relationships don’t always work, and people change.
However, are we really meant to stay in a relationship with one person for the rest of our lives? Have we been programmed by society, or religion to feel as though we must see a marriage through right up until the end, until death do us part? Can couples only bounce back from so many hurdles before they finally cave in and head for the divorce courts? Are we as human’s so terribly floored that we will eventually push our husbands or wives away? Or does marriage simply take a toll on both partners, and we just end up getting bored with our spouse physically, mentally and sexually?
As a single woman I often wonder many things about marriage and relationships. People are constant evolving, finding new ways of being, and developing all the time. A thirty-five year man or woman is a completely different person compared to their eighteen year old self. I may sound like an anti-marriage advocate. However, I honestly wonder if it is truly possible to stay attracted to a spouse for any more than twenty years.
The well-bred person you met two decades ago, with a strong set of values and beliefs which aligned with yours, may not have those beliefs twenty years on. They may completely change in every way possible. Isn’t life about change and diversity, and growing into the best version of ourselves? Are we allowed to change our beliefs, and our values if we once swore to the love of our lives that we would forever be on the same wave length, and share a similar view of the world? What if your partner changes religions, genders, or ideas? What if they totally rebel against everything they once believed in? Can we stay in a marriage or a relationship where everything is changing? At the end of the day, everybody changes, and will without even realising it, move into a different state of awareness as time goes on.
I know so many couples who do the hard yards and complete two decades of marriage. All that time together, and then somebody moves on, and decides that enough is enough. There are a few common scenarios. Someone cheats, one of the partners doesn’t pull their weight anymore, or one partner is simply refusing to continually evolve alongside their husband or wife. These are all choices made by one or both of people in the marriage. Do too many humans treat one another as disposable objects?
What absolutely astonishes me is that some recently separated or divorced couples may even leave the marriage, and dive head first into a brand new relationship. A marriage which once meant everything to them is suddenly discarded, thrown in the garbage, and disposed of.
Than there is the other side of the coin. Why would you want to hang out with the same person for more than twenty years? Can people withstand one another for this long, or do they make it this long in the relationship merely because they have an amazing capacity to tolerate a lot of abuse? These are the questions I ask myself on a day-to-day basis.
Too often couples think they are on the same page. They think they are aligned with one another spiritually, emotionally and ethically, until suddenly they realise they never were, and they never really even knew each other to begin with. Well, that’s my experience! What they saw was a person putting up a front that they could live with for the rest of their days. This wasn’t the real them. The failure to present the real self to their partner in the first place has now put the relationship in jeopardy. I guess we’re all just humans on a journey. We get tired, we get sick of one another. Should we divorce, or should we rise to the occasion?
The couples who rise to the occasion travel the length of the journey together, continually checking that they are both at a similar stage of awareness. I guess you could say that they have a mutual respect for one another. They communicate willingly, and are committed to being with the love of their life. They will not do any anything to put their relationship in jeopardy. They value the relationship, and they see their loved one for all they are worth. I know couples like this, and I truly admire them.
For a relationship to stay solid and sturdy, both people need to be on the same page, and at the same level of awareness as their significant other. How can marriage overcome all struggles if both parties stop valuing the marriage, and each other? It won’t!
Instead of making promises to be together in ‘sickness, or in health,’ or’ until death do us part’, maybe couples should make vows to stay on the same path, and to remain on a journey of self transformation, and self discovery with their partner, in the hope of seeing their marriage through right up until the end. Just a little something to think about.