The narcissistic family system is an unsupportive, self-serving family system where a survival of the fittest mentality is unknowingly adopted by each of the family members’ as a way to stay both emotionally and physically safe in this family unit. In childhood, each child in the family unit quickly learns that they must meet the needs of the narcissist (no matter how ridiculous) by often forfeiting their own needs, in order to escape criticism, drama, and major conflict created by the main perpetrator in this family system – the narcissist.
The golden child may receive some support from their narcissistic parent, who often dotes on them to extreme degrees. However, being the favorite comes with a huge price to pay because the narcissist doesn’t do anything without strings attached. The golden child is merely an investment to use and abuse just like the rest of the children.
The scapegoated child is almost always the only child in the family unit to challenge the narcissist’s unsupportive nature, and the enabling parent’s acceptance of the narcissistic parent’s unsupportive behavior. The scapegoat will fight the system over and over again, question, and challenge the family’s lack of support – much to their own detriment. The reality that they can’t be brainwashed, or manipulated becomes increasingly problematic for them.
The enabling parent is the core perpetrator in both supporting and allowing this survival of the fittest mentality. This easily manipulated parent supports the narcissist’s ridiculous expectations by either sitting back, saying nothing, and simply allowing the narcissist to make all of the rules; or by alternatively brainwashing their children into forfeiting their boundaries, and autonomy – making the children boundary-less, expectation – less, and clone-like.
The children as a dilemma and a burden
At the forefront of NPD is a complete inability of the narcissistic individual to empathize with the needs and distress of other people. The narcissist’s extreme sense of entitlement makes it terribly difficult for this parent to understand why children (especially small children) cling to them so much, why they need anything from them, and why they require 24/7 support.
Children need love, attention, emotional support, and help daily. This is terribly distressing for a narcissistic parent because they completely depend on a constant supply of attention, (positive or negative) from everybody in their environment all day long – to the same extent that a drug addict relies on their drug of choice. Without constant attention a narcissist feels empty, and will lash out at everybody around them; especially their children, who are often resented by the narcissist for stealing the limelight.
The enabler’s personality as a very big problem in the narcissistic family unit
Enablers are hunted down by the narcissist because of their very obvious shaky, malleable, and easily manipulated sense of self. Anxious, reflective individuals with low-self esteem, and people pleaser syndrome, who find it hard to detach, are vulnerable to narcissists. An individual with a secure sense of self will immediately repel a narcissist.
Enlightened, validating enablers do exist. However, they’re very rare; and even if they do openly see what’s going on, their co-dependent nature often sees them tied to the narcissist. In my opinion, based on what I have observed, enablers often lack empathy, are self-serving, and are easily brainwashed.
To outsiders, your typical enabler appears to be gentle, quiet, and very placid. People often think the world of them and perceive them to be beautiful, lovely, gentle people who just happen to be in a bad relationship with a controlling person.
I used to believe this to be the truth too. However, now I view your typical unenlightened enabler very differently. From my personal experience with my own enabling parent, who appeared to be kind, gentle, and placid, I now see your typical enabler as a very unsupportive individual. The most unenlightened of enablers appears to have absolutely no problem standing by on the sidelines, and watching the narcissist destroy their child’s sense of self on a daily basis, without stepping in to protect them.
The enabling parent’s children often try to secure this parent as an ally in this disgustingly abusive situation, only to be rejected by a parent who almost always supports the narcissist, regardless of the fact that they are in the wrong.
An unenlightened enabler with absolutely no education on the effects of narcissistic abuse refuses to look beneath the narcissist’s abusive behavior, to even try to imagine how this abusive behavior would insidiously infect a child’s soul. Being the HSP that I am, I have no understanding of this inability.
The narcissist as a serial complainer
From what I’ve witnessed, the most pathological of narcissist’s does an awful lot of complaining. They tend to not like anybody. There isn’t anybody in their circles that they don’t have a problem with.
In my experience, this dislike of absolutely everybody the narcissist comes into contact with, extends to the narcissist’s children (all but the golden child) who are complained about by the narcissist day in day out to the enabling parent.
Complaints such as ‘they cry too much,’ ‘they’re not really sick,’ ‘they’re faking it,’ ‘they’re spoilt,’ ‘they’re out of control,’ ‘they shouldn’t be asking me to borrow my things,’ ‘why should I have to lend them any money?’ ‘they shouldn’t be asking me for help. Nobody ever helped me,’ ‘they’re manipulating the family by asking if we can do this or that to help them,’ are all comments that continually fly out of the narcissist’s mouth about their children.
How does the enabling parent respond to the narcissist’s constant complaints about the children’s need for support?
Some enabling parents choose to simply ignore the narcissist, and co-exist without discussion. This kind of enabling parent allows the narcissistic parent to be who they are, to rule the roost, and to choose which children do or do not get supported. They rarely intervene, or say anything much to the children about the narcissist’s unfairness and unrealistic expectations.
Every now and again a more enlightened enabler will come to the conclusion that they are keeping their children in a toxic situation, and need to leave. However, co-dependency and a lack of self-esteem are often two big issues for this enabler, who will most likely find it very difficult to pluck up the courage to take that final step and leave.
then there is your toxic enabler. I call this kind of enabler the fixer. My enabling parent was a fixer. This kind of enabling parent is constantly plugging up the holes in the boat; only to find that more leaks continue to appear out of nowhere.
In other words, the narcissist continues to find problems with their children’s personalities. The enabling parent steps in time and time again to try to stop the children from creating further problems for the narcissist. From what I have seen first hand, this enabler takes the narcissistic parent’s problems with their children on as though the problem is their own, and try to solve it for the narcissist. The problem with this is that a lot of the incidents taking place between the children and the narcissist (all out of the enabler’s sight) are often lied about, and exaggerated by the narcissist to the enabler, who tries to take control of the situation at the children’s expense.
The narcissist is supported at the expense of the children, who go unsupported once again. This parent has fallen victim to the ideology that external sources outside of the narcissist (the children) are the reason for the narcissist’s unhappiness, instead of the obvious internal defect within the narcissist.
This patriarchal, punitive enabling parent honestly believes that if they can educate (manipulate) these external sources, (the narcissist’s children) get them under both their control, and the narcissist’s control, then the narcissist will be happy, and the enabling parent will finally have peace and quiet from the complaining narcissist.
The narcissist as the only family member to receive support
The narcissistic parent’s continued need for all of the support in the family unit, as well as all of the attention, sees the narcissist feigning victimhood, and painting all of the children, besides the golden child, as all bad to the enabling parent. The enabling parent will often punish the children excessively for normal child like misbehavior – behavior that they most likely didn’t even personally witness.
Love is conditional and is almost always withheld if the children haven’t supported the narcissist adequately.
Inappropriate behavior from the children is rarely talked about, or discussed with the children in a loving and supportive manner. It is instead used against the children to shame them back into control, in the hope of gaining peace and quiet in the family home.
The enabling parent manages down the children
Once a punitive enabling parent has decided that the narcissist’s issues are related to external sources, rather than a complete software malfunction within the narcissist’s brain wiring, they unconsciously become a perpetrator in the full-blown psychological abuse of the children. Many enabling parents literally manage down the children by brainwashing them into believing that they have absolutely no right to ask for anything from anyone in this family unit. The lack of validation from the enabling parent causes the children to doubt their own sanity.
The democratic, often highly intelligent scapegoat has no allies in this system and often ends up being ganged up on by the entire family, including the enabling parent for continuing to push for support.
A safe enabling parent with a lack of understanding about narcissistic abuse would, in fact, see the error of their ways, and align with their scapegoated child – the only child in the entire family unit with any guts to point out the emperor’s nudity.
What happens if you ask for support?
Any adult child (other than the doted on golden child) wanting support of any kind in the narcissistic family unit will receive very big consequences. The narcissist, as well as a toxic enabling parent, will use the adult child’s need for support to their advantage to gain narcissistic supply. A child in this family unit may be goaded or baited into a negative reaction when asking for help.
Rejecting an adult child’s need for support is often done so as to create drama through an adult child’s negative reaction (for narcissistic supply). If the narcissistic parent can manipulate the enabling parent to side with them, the two parents can distress the adult child, provoke a reaction out of them, or to try make them feel unworthy, difficult, or demanding. If an adult child has a reaction and becomes really upset about the cruelty of the family unit, everybody in the family unit will be informed about the reaction from the challenging child, and the entire family will moan and groan about this person for weeks at a time. Needing anything is always used against the adult child of a narcissist.
What is going on when the narcissistic parent gladly offers you support?
Its a trick! If an adult child is being offered support out of the blew by the narcissistic parent, (and they’re not the golden child) the chances are that the narcissist either wants something from them, or they are running low on narcissistic supply, haven’t had any drama for a while, and are about to create a huge drama in the family unit by triangulating everybody in the family unit against the adult child being offered support. The narcissist is about to launch a huge smear campaign to the other members against the child they offered support to. This offer of support may turn into a huge attack by the other family members, especially a jealous narcissistic golden child. A jealous narcissistic golden child will fuel the smear campaign alongside the narcissistic parent, because, not only are they jealous that they aren’t getting all of the attention in the room, but they too have fallen for the pathological lies of the narcissist.
‘You’re being lured. Don’t take the bait’
Examples of support being used against you:
Scenario one: The narcissist offers to lend you an item, and you accept. They than tell the rest of your family members that you stole it. You turn up to the next family gathering, (if you aren’t excluded first) only to find that you are being ignored by the other members of the family, or treated with coldness.
Scenario two: You aren’t coping. You need emotional support. The narcissist decides to invite you over to support you with your troubles. They hoover you with homemade cooking, and gifts to make you feel better. However, behind your back the narcissist is playing the victim to the other family members, claiming that you are harassing them, breaking big boundaries, and won’t leave them alone.
What happens if you have a major crisis in the narcissistic family
Unfortunately, adult children coming out of the narcissistic family unit (especially scapegoated, and rebel children) often need an incredible amount of emotional support in adulthood. From personal experience, I know that this is just not going to happen. It is not uncommon for children from the narcissistic family unit to either become drug addicted, suffer from an eating disorder, or to experience other mental health issues.
If an adult child simply cannot cope, needs ongoing support, or has become a self medicator to soothe inner childhood wounding, the adult child will ultimately be blamed for what they’re going through, trash talked, and vilified behind their back by the entire family. The narcissist will take absolutely no responsibility for the situation at hand, and will use this situation as leverage to brainwash the rest of the family into believing this adult child is unhinged and screwed up.
If you are supported by the narcissistic parent in your time of need, all of your secrets will be discussed amongst family. Stories of you instability will be spread, and at some point; even years down the track you’ll be made to pay for shaming the family by appearing weak in the first place.
‘Family scapegoating is a hostile discrediting routine by which the scapegoating family members’ remove blame and responsibility from themselves for problems within the family unit, and dump all of the responsibility onto a targeted family member. The practice of scapegoating allows for feelings of anger and hostility to be projected onto the family scapegoat through continued inappropriate accusations. The scapegoated adult child of a narcissistic parent feels wrongly persecuted after receiving misplaced vilification, blame, criticism, and rejection from the member’s of the family whom the narcissistic parent seeks to influence. Scapegoating allows for the self-righteous discharge of one’s aggression onto another more vulnerable source.’
Scapegoating is a serious family dysfunctional problem where one member of the family is picked apart for small things, that most non-judgemental healthy families’ wouldn’t view as abnormal, or problematic. Scapegoating begins in childhood. Small things that the targeted child does are exaggerated, talked about among family, and are considered the actions of a child with a behavioural problem.
Scapegoating typically occurs in families’ where there is a narcissistic parent. Narcissistic parents’ typically have a golden child and a scapegoat. The golden child can no wrong, and the scapegoat can do no right. The golden child is all good, and the scapegoat is all bad. All of the children are encouraged to goad, bait, and peck at the one. In a family such as this, somebody always has to be the bad guy.
Why is the scapegoat chosen?
Scapegoats are not chosen by accident. They are usually the more sensitive child, highly empathetic, can’t stand abusive behaviour, and have a penchant for the truth. These character traits bring to the narcissist’s attention that the child, come adulthood, could blab. Deeming the scapegoat bad in some way is the families’ way of discrediting the scapegoat, and denying the problems in the family by projecting onto the child the behaviours of the perpetrators’ – therefore, deeming them the main troublemaker in the family.
The scapegoat is to blame for everything
The scapegoated child is typically blamed for everything that goes wrong in the family unit. The narcissistic parent blames this child for the problems the scapegoat has with the other children in the family unit. In the mind of the narcissistic parent, the scapegoated child is at fault for the other children’s verbal and physical aggression towards them. Regardless of whether or not the other children are provoking the scapegoat, attacking the scapegoat, are caught out lying about the scapegoat, or excluding the scapegoat; these children will never be held accountable for their actions. Instead, the scapegoat will be blamed for the horrendous behaviour of the other children. This dynamic often plays out between the golden child and the scapegoat. In the mind of the narcissist, the golden child is never at fault for their poor behaviour. Instead, this child is grandiose and entitled to do as they please, just like the narcissist.
This dynamic doesn’t stop in childhood and often persists well into adulthood – up until the scapegoat either puts up big boundaries or goes No Contact.
The scapegoat’s view of themselves
This pattern of blaming and shaming the scapegoat for every issue within the family unit sets them up to be overly self-critical, to shame themselves constantly, and to believe they are always at fault in every conflict. Once an adult, the family scapegoat often has difficulty asserting themselves, does not believe in their right to stand up for themselves, or to the notion that they not defective, unworthy, or lovable. They often walk out of the family in adulthood only to be scapegoated again by an abusive partner, or abusive friends.
Subconsciously, the narcissist believes that if the entire family is unhappy with the scapegoat, then it releases the family from any blame, and deflects from the real issues within the family. The scapegoaters view the mistreatment of the scapegoat from a distorted mindset. They honestly believe that onlookers will realise that the scapegoat is to blame for the family’s decision to exclude this person.
Characteristics of a scapegoater
Typically, family members’ who scapegoat are very punitive in their beliefs, are extremely judgmental of others, and fall victim to the manipulations of the narcissist, primarily because of this deeply ingrained punitive, judgemental way of behaving and thinking.
How does the family scapegoat the victim?
Scapegoating is the practice of pathological lying. The scapegoater poisons the minds of other family members by slandering the family scapegoat, claiming they have said and done things they haven’t, by triangulating the adult children against the scapegoat, and blaming them for everything that goes on within the family. In adulthood, the adult children already view the scapegoat as fundamentally floored, because of the narcissistic parent’s continued slander, and accusations directed against the child for things they didn’t do. The adult children have been brainwashed into taking on the narcissist’s perception of the child; which of course, is untrue.
This works in the narcissist’s favour. When a scene occurs, the scapegoat is made to take the blame for whatever has happened, even if they are completely innocent, and it was another family member who was actually the real culprit. The scapegoats family always makes this adult – child the bad guy and lies about how things really went down. Horrendous behaviour from the other family members is shoved under the carpet, and the scapegoat is left wondering why they were just blamed for the attack upon them, which just occurred.
Repeated scenarios such as the one above often lead to the scapegoat being deemed as volatile, unhinged, crazy, and a troublemaker. These same scenarios often lead to the scapegoat being excluded from important family events, being talked about, laughed at, ridiculed, and denigrated to disgusting degrees. The scapegoat victim can usually feel the discontent, and anger from their family members during the scapegoating process.
They know they have been ostracised from family functions, and have a fair idea they are being denigrated behind their backs. What they don’t know though, is the degree of the slander, or ridicule.
Scapegoaters’ are often disappointed when they find that the same problems within the family still exist long after the scapegoat has left.
Walking away from an entire family is one of the most painful things the family scapegoat adult child in a narcissistic family will ever do. Abuse from the narcissistic family towards the scapegoat is often so severe, and so mentally damaging, that the only solution left after exhausting all other avenues, is to walk away from the family unit, and anybody outside of the family unit, connected to the family.
Scapegoating is contagious – and once the family scapegoat has been earmarked for this kind of abuse, friends of the perpetrators, or relatives ( minions) previously uninvolved in the situation, may involve themselves in scapegoating this member of the family; just because they can. This is the nature of scapegoating. Once the smear campaign is at work, and infiltrates everybody within the narcissist’s circles, the scapegoat no longer has any control over the situation. Explaining away one’s own innocence proves unproductive. The only options left are to walk away, and to remain non-reactive.
At the centre of the scapegoating problem within the family unit, is often an extremely emotionally dangerous, triangulating narcissistic parent, often aided by either an unaware enabling parent, a narcissistic golden child or a flying monkey golden child with a lack of awareness in what they have become involved in.
Earmarked for abuse
Scapegoated individuals are often earmarked for abuse by their narcissistic parent early on in childhood because they are the child who sees through the narcissist’s façade. This ability to see through the narcissist eventuates in family mobbing and the destruction of the scapegoat’s reputation.
The narcissist’s false self cannot take any criticism; and will dish out low blows to anybody who dares challenge the narcissist’s reality – which is not reality.
How does one become a scapegoat?
To become a scapegoat, one must be highly empathetic, very strong emotionally, extremely caring, easily vexed by abusive behaviour, and emotionally sensitive to nasty, cruel actions. This type of individual can literally feel the hurt and pain from those being abused and will pull up the abusers on their behaviour without a second thought.
This child will challenge the narcissist’s false self over and over again; inflicting narcissistic injury upon narcissistic injury to the narcissist’s false self. They are now a threat. In a nutshell, the narcissist must brainwash this child into believing that they are inherently bad. If this sadistic parent can gain control over this child’s opinion of themselves, and manipulate the child into believing that they, instead of the parent, are actually the problem, then the narcissist will be safe from future narcissistic injuries. This child’s view of themselves is now tainted, which will see them second-guessing themselves – and will hinder the child from feeling confident enough to be their true authentic self within this family unit, or in their interpersonal relationships with others later on in life.
To reclaim control over the child, the narcissist will smash the scapegoat’s self-esteem apart, and smash at their developing sense of self by attributing their own abusive traits to the child. The narcissist rids these traits from within themselves, by projecting them onto the child. The narrative projected onto the child is often ‘you’re crazy, angry, abusive, dysfunctional, mentally unstable.’ Of course, as we all know, the narcissist is all of these things, not the child.
To scapegoat an adult child of a narcissistic parent, the parent must have participants. These participants are usually an enabling parent, and the scapegoat’s siblings, who almost always engage in the scapegoating epidemic, because they have not yet cottoned on to the reality that they are being brainwashed, and the narcissistic parent actually has a serious mental illness. Although, that being said, the narcissist selects their flying monkeys, based on the ease at which they can brainwash them. In most cases, the narcissistic parent will secure the child most like them, or the child most easily manipulated and brainwashed, into siding with them in taunting the scapegoat.
Very often, the most obvious ally is the narcissist’s golden child (mini-me). Firstly, the narcissistic parent will triangulate the golden child and the scapegoat against each other. Than the narcissistic parent will smear the scapegoat’s name to the golden child. In no time at all, the golden child will be under the spell of mind control, and will be convinced of the scapegoat’s inherent badness.
These two perpetrators will launch a dangerous smear campaign against the scapegoat and will sell it to the other family members. The focus of the smear campaign will be on the scapegoat’s sins; which apparently deem the scapegoat unworthy of love – and worthy instead of being ostracised and punished by everybody else in the family unit.
This act of family mobbing will almost always eventuate because of the obvious threat the scapegoat poses to the family unit as a whole. Truth tellers are not allowed in this family unit.
These attacks of family mobbing are not uncommon in the narcissistic family system. They are almost always set up by the narcissistic parent as a payback to the scapegoat for usually disagreeing with the narcissist’s opinion on something they deem important, requiring support – which of course would take attention away from the narcissistic parent, or for exposing some minor abuses incurred from the narcissistic parent, to an enabling parent, or other family members. To silence the scapegoat, or to pay them back, and show them who’s boss, the narcissist will set the scapegoat up by turning the adult children against them. They will do whatever it takes to destroy the other family members relationships with the scapegoat; which will, of course, cause horrendous pain to the scapegoat, and cut deep. The narcissist most likely fears the scapegoat will completely expose them as the fake they truly are. So they must remove them from the family.
The scapegoat says ‘no more.’
After decades of psychological abuse, random family interventions on the scapegoat, years of smearing, backstabbing, triangulation, and more likely than not, another attack of family mobbing – the scapegoat says ‘enough is enough.’ The final goodbye is not pretty, and usually, after the final confrontation, the scapegoat walks away. Nothing has worked. Assertion hasn’t worked, distress hasn’t worked, and most of the scapegoat’s warranted reactions have backfired on them.
The entire family watches on in dismay as the scapegoat informs the family that they will no longer be abused by them, and wants nothing more to do with them. They wander off into the darkness, (which eventually turns to light) never to return.
An earthquake has literally erupted, and the scapegoat’s family of origin is left to pick up the pieces. Narcissism is one of the few conditions where the true victim is left alone in a complete state of emotional terror; and isolation, while everybody flutters around the emotional terrorist, and dotes on them. Whereas the true victim often walks away from their war-torn family, only to have a complete psychotic breakdown.
The entire family turns their back on the scapegoat in their time of need. Members who once supported the scapegoat have become victims of brainwashing and now believe in the lie. Not one single family member will check to see if the scapegoat is ok – and nobody tries to find them; because nobody cares. This is the nature of the narcissistic family unit.
It is very unlikely that anybody within the family unit will ever actually have an epiphany, understand what they have been involved in, and actually realise the breadth of the damage done to the scapegoat. If the scapegoat’s family ever did try to find the scapegoat, it wouldn’t be to empathise with them. It would instead be to convince them that they should come back to the family, and honour their mother or father. These people are not going to apologise for what they have been a part of, and will most likely never be able to access the empathy required to understand the emotional agony the scapegoat has actually endured.
A member of the family who acts as a flying monkey for the narcissist, and tries to hoover the scapegoat back into the family unit, subconsciously does so, in the hope that the scapegoat will come back to the family to fulfil their role as the family trash can. Life becomes difficult for the narcissistic family when the trash can leaves. However, it becomes harder to blame the scapegoat when the endless drama between the family members continues – even when the scapegoat is nowhere to be found.
The earthquake has erupted
After being smeared, and trashed talked to such extensive degrees amongst the immediate family members, and extended family, scapegoat’s often choose to speak their truth, in relation the family dynamic, and reveal to extended family members, or to curious enquirers known to the narcissist, that the narcissist is indeed the main reason for the dissension in the family unit.
The narcissist wasn’t prepared for this. Revealing the narcissistic family dynamic to enquiring minds without trash talking the family, or stooping down to their level, is often the only way for the scapegoat to recover their reputation, which is often destroyed in the face of cousins, aunts, or even grandparents. A lot of these people see through the ruse and sympathise with the scapegoat. However; others don’t.
It is not uncommon for a scapegoat to find support in an extended family filled with cousins, where they can openly discuss the scapegoating epidemic within the family. This decision to assert their truth is very empowering; because for an entire lifetime, the scapegoat has watched on as the narcissist has lied about them, deemed them mentally unwell, smeared their name to anyone who would listen, and has done everything they could to break them. All the while the scapegoat has most likely remained loyal and hasn’t revealed the truth.
The tables have turned, and the scapegoat is gaining their power back. What the narcissist wasn’t prepared for is the scapegoat’s comeback.
This statement from the scapegoat is very powerful. Depending on the extent of the narcissist’s malignancy, the narcissist, along with their minions have been known to withdraw from an assertive supa – nova scapegoat’s sting. The family now knows that the scapegoat will never ever be available for family mobbing, family bullying, baiting, goading, exclusion, and other cruel acts of emotional terrorism, ever again. The family has been called out.
This exposure repels the narcissistic family from the scapegoat. They know the scapegoat is a force to be reckoned with; and because of this, the scapegoat will most likely never ever hear from these crazy-making family members ever again. They are free, and are now in survival mode after having left a war-torn family.
What happens to the family when the scapegoat leaves?
The family, on the other hand, is left to deal with the family problems all on their own. The scapegoat has quit after decades of abuse. The family trashcan is gone, and the family will now have to deal with their own rubbish or shift it over to a newly appointed scapegoat.
The family members will gossip and trash talk amongst themselves about how terrible the scapegoat is for as long as the subject can keep them entertained. This collaboration of forces against the scapegoat in their absence may connect these family members for a time – but eventually, they are back to square one, dealing with the same problems within the family unit that they were once blaming the scapegoat for.
What everybody has failed to recognise in this major debacle, is that the main problem in the family unit, the narcissist, still lives and breathes in the adult children’s domain. The ringleader, and primary crazy maker, the narcissist, is not going to change just because the scapegoat has left. This sick human being is still going to continue to triangulate all of the other family members and to cause chaos where once there was none. The narcissist doesn’t know any other way. The family members who mistakably thought that all of the families problems would be fixed once the scapegoat left are in for in a huge shock. I am speculating here; but the problems are only just beginning.
What happened to the scapegoat the day they left?
After an act of family mobbing against the scapegoat, all of the family members flock around the narcissist, while the real victim, the scapegoat, is left in a state of emotional terror.
The scapegoat has lost everything all in one sitting. They have lost their family, close relationships with the members of the family that were turned against them, their dignity, their reputation, and their identity. Their identity has been trashed in this family unit, they have no reputation left, and they are in a state of shock. It is not unusual for someone this bullied to have a complete psychotic breakdown, experience suicidal ideation, fantasise about dying, experience C-PTSD symptoms, huge triggers, and daily panic attacks.
Narcissistic abuse is a complete attack on the soul, personality, and emotions; almost always leaving victims feeling emotionally dysregulated, suffering panic attacks or agoraphobia. The scapegoat is left in a state of emotional upheaval.
This innocent victim of abuse has been cast out and left to fend for themselves. They are vulnerable, fragile, and broken.
The scapegoat embarks on the biggest healing journey of their life
If the scapegoat has a partner, healing from narcissistic abuse is going to be a smoother process. However, if the scapegoat is completely alone in their healing, then they may struggle immensely. If they are alone, or with a clan of children (a single mother) while grieving, then the lack of family support will take its toll.
Either way, the scapegoat is about to embark on what could be described as one of the darkest, bleakest, scariest journeys a person can embark on. They are about to grieve years and years and years of abuse, rejection, abandonment, and betrayal, from the people who were meant to love them. Grieving an entire family is one of the darkest, bleakest, scariest journey’s a person can endure. It is often filled with horror, depression, shame, guilt, and condemnation of self.
Years and years of brainwashing has taken its toll and has controlled the scapegoat beyond belief. The chains which have held them captive emotionally for a lifetime, are finally about to begin to dissolve. This may take a number of years. However, as time goes on, the scapegoat will most likely eventually relinquish the crazy cult like beliefs drummed into them; as well as their brainwashed pathology – by finally realising that they can now be the autonomous being they always wanted to be, because no one is watching them, or judging their every move, any more.
This journey may be very painful, but joyful, bleak, but full of opportunity, and darker than one could imagine. However, once the grieving is done, the light is brighter than the scapegoat ever thought it could be.
The aftermath – the feelings felt
The shame that the scapegoat feels after being so terribly psychologically abused for an entire lifetime will most likely eat away at them for a long time. They may even experience regular shame spirals for a number of years, even after they have gone no contact.
The seven stages of grief are relentless, and will often feel never-ending while enduring; because the day the scapegoat left is the day their family died.
The rainbow after the storm
However, at the very same time that the scapegoat experiences these terribly overwhelming, gut-wrenching feelings of shame, pain, guilt, anger, rage, and complete distress; they also feel an immense sense of freedom. For the first time in their lives they are free to do what they want, when they want to, without having a bunch of nasty onlookers laughing at them, picking their choices to pieces, disagreeing with their decisions, telling them how they should be, and still trying to control every single aspect of their lives in adulthood.
They don’t have to deal with regular family interventions anymore, their narcissistic parent constantly trying to gain attention for themselves by creating drama in the scapegoat’s life, and creating problems where there once were none.
For the first time in their entire lives, the scapegoat is free. For the first time in their life, they no longer have to walk on eggshells or behave with an incredible amount of hyper-vigilance. They now know which way the pendulum swings. For the first time in their life, they are emotionally safe.
Is it Tempting to go back?
Yes, it is tempting go back. The pain can get so bad at times that the scapegoat will probably feel tempted to go back to their family. However, once these emotions dissipate until next time, the scapegoat will in time, begin to feel a sense of freedom, and autonomy that they have never felt before.
It is especially tempting to go back to the family of origin if something goes wrong, and the scapegoat is experiencing an unbearable emotion which would normally dissipate with family support. Scapegoats are very very vulnerable in so many areas of their life because they have no family support.
The clarity which comes from healing
The more time one has away from the narcissistic family unit, the clearer they become about what was really going on. Within a few years, the fog completely lifts away, and the scapegoat realises they were duped by a false self, with a penchant for brainwashing, who claimed to be the scapegoat’s parent. They were living in an illusion for years with a very sick parent, as well as an enabling parent, who did very little to stop the abuse.
When you leave the narcissistic family, you leave a brainwashing facility; plain and simple. The brainwashing and indoctrination begin to lose power after some years of being away from narcissistic people. It is such an amazing feeling to learn that everything you were ever taught or were ever told about yourself was not reality, and was told to you and taught to you, so as to control you.
The narcissist’s belief systems are deranged – and the oppression the scapegoat lived under for so many years is not how normal people live. This is liberating. No one is watching the scapegoat anymore, judging the scapegoat, and picking the scapegoat to pieces. Mind control is wearing off, and it feels great.
The chains previously wrapped around the scapegoat’s soul are dissolving.
The scapegoat as an autonomous being
The scapegoat is now an autonomous being. They are no longer an extension of the narcissist; and after a lifetime of abuse, they now see through all of the lies. It takes a lot of internal work on one’s self to recover their self-esteem, lesson the effects of narcissistic abuse syndrome, and to find their voice again. It can be done, and will only be improved upon with time.
The scapegoat walks forward into the sunshine, and creates the best life they have ever had, and leaves behind them a war zone where everybody in the family unit continues to fight, bully, goad and provoke one another.
In today’s article, I am going to discuss the toxic dynamic between a highly malignant narcissistic ‘golden child,’ and the ‘scapegoated child’. Not all golden children are narcissistic, sociopathic, or psychopathic. The vast majority are just ‘golden’ – as in all good, doted on, coddled, and adored. However, the narcissistic ‘golden child’ is not so benign, and more often than not will take great pleasure in supporting the narcissistic parent in destroying the scapegoat child’s confidence and self- esteem. Sibling to sibling psychological abuse is very real and can affect the children abused by these toxic siblings terribly in adulthood.
The disordered golden child is not always the oldest child. However, a lot of the time the oldest child will play out the ‘golden child/ scapegoat dynamic’ with the second child within a narcissistic family set up. Many of my friends are either enduring this dynamic with an older golden child sibling still. Or, they have made the heart-wrenching decision to go No Contact with this older sibling.
The narcissistic ‘golden child’ will mistreat all of their siblings. However, the scapegoated child will endure the most, because they will be the child who refuses to go along with the narcissistic child’s illusions of grandeur. They will refuse to accept the narcissistic child’s belief that they are entitled to abuse, steal from others, become aggressive at the slightest criticism, or have complete control over other people. The scapegoated child refuses to mirror this child as they would like to be mirrored. So, the golden child, with the approval of the narcissistic parent, smashes the mirror.
The narcissist as a black and white thinker
Narcissists are black and white thinkers. They never see shades of grey. You’re either good or bad in their eyes. Very often two people will be separated into ‘black’ and ‘white’. One person will be seen as black (all bad) and the other will be seen as white (all good). Sometimes the two same people will rotate between good and bad, or black and white, in the mind of the narcissist.
The first child is often all good, and the second child is often all bad. However, this isn’t always the way it goes. Sometimes the first child is all bad, and the second child is all good.
Birth order plays a major role in personality development, without narcissism being involved. In a healthy family, the oldest child is the most likely child to emulate the parents. If the parents are narcissistic, the second child has a problem.
The narcissistic child as a replica of the narcissistic parent
The narcissistic golden child is often a replica of the narcissistic parent. They subconsciously take on the narcissistic parent’s values, beliefs, and way of life. They integrate these beliefs into every aspect of the life. Whereas the scapegoated child consciously completely rejects the narcissistic parent’s way of life, beliefs, and values. They consciously question the narcissist’s way of thinking – whereas the narcissistic child just goes along to get along.
The narcissistic child completely models their narcissistic parent and chooses to treat others based on how their role model treats others. The scapegoat, on the other hand, decides that they will treat people respectfully, because they don’t like how their narcissistic role model treats others.
Why does the narcissistic child take on the narcissist’s personality?
Nobody really knows why the narcissistic child takes on the same personality as their parent, and why the scapegoated child doesn’t. However, there are varying theories on the matter. Family dynamics also play a part in the creation of the golden child and the scapegoat.
The highly malignant golden child is not nurtured by the narcissistic parent. They can’t relay empathy, because they have never been shown any. Empathy is often taught. If a child isn’t pulled up on their ill-treatment of others and given consequences for it, then they don’t learn the difference between kindness and unkindness. If a child is not corrected on their behavior, then they’ll think that it is ok to behave badly. Nobody has told them otherwise. This child learns early on that they can do whatever they want.
In the narcissistic abuse communities, scapegoated adult children often discuss the reality that they as the scapegoat was constantly being pulled up on their poor behavior, and were constantly told when they weren’t treating people properly. The golden child, on the other hand, was never pulled up and was taught that whatever they did, no matter how vile, was seen as ok in the narcissistic parent’s eyes, because they were the golden child.
The expectations for each child, (scapegoated and golden) are different, to coincide with the narcissist’s black and white thinking.
The narcissistic golden child is encouraged to take on the un-empathetic, self-serving behavior of the parent, whereas the scapegoated individuals are often told that they are ruthless, and need to be more empathetic.
”Don’t be like the scapegoat! ”
The golden child learns very quickly that to gain the narcissistic parent’s approval, one must behave in this un-empathetic, judgemental, disgusting way. If they behave like the scapegoat, (concerned, empathetic, and loving) they will be treated like the scapegoat. The narcissistic golden child refuses to stand in the corner with the scapegoated child and have stones thrown at them. Instead, they unconsciously decide that one will fare better in this family system, and may even gain some approval, or feigned love and support if they take on the role of psycho bully.
This isn’t thought out properly. It’s just a survival of the fittest mentality that some children (narcissistically inclined children) take on.
The malignancy of any golden child can very much depend on the family dynamic. If the narcissistic child only has a narcissistic mother or father to mirror, then the child is in big trouble. However, if this child has some love from one parent, that parent being the enabling parent, then the child may fair better in terms of malignancy.
The scapegoat rejects narcissism
The scapegoat has the empathy gene, and they know how to love. They can put themselves in someone else’s shoes, and feel their pain. This ability to feel the internal pain of others is what drives them to speak up about the abuse from the narcissistic parent towards both the ‘golden child,’ and themselves.
It is not clear as to why the scapegoat child is more sensitive to the feelings of others and has more empathy. It may be because they are seen as all ‘black’ in the mind of the narcissistic parent. The scapegoated child is constantly reminded by the narcissist that they need to be empathetic, kind, and improve upon the innate ‘badness’ that the narcissist has projected onto them. This treatment often pushes the scapegoat child to work even harder to prove their goodness to the narcissistic parent.
A lack of entitlement may be their saving grace, or; they may simply have been nurtured more than the golden child by an enabling parent somewhere along the line.
The narcissistic parent’s rejection of the scapegoated child is a double-edged sword. In some ways being rejected pays for this child. Luckily they were never embraced with a sick love, and never had delusions of grandeur thrown their way. They escaped the false self which took over the narcissistic child, and the damage done to them is somewhat reparable.
The narcissist’s differential treatment of the two children puts the scapegoat in a position where they begin to see through their golden child sibling. They can see straight through the lie the golden child has fallen victim to. The scapegoated child knows their golden child sibling is not entitled, knows they are not grand, are not going to be famous, and is not this amazing person the narcissistic parent keeps making out they are. They see how cruel this child is becoming. So, the scapegoat child openly rejects narcissism.
What happens when the scapegoat talks about the elephant in the room?
The scapegoated child is in big trouble. This mother (father) and son, or mother (father) and daughter duo are the hierarchy. The second child either follows suit, and allows the narcissistic parent and golden child to control them, without complaining; or they complain, and become scapegoated.
The scapegoated option is the option unintentionally chosen by the second child, who almost always ends up sparring with the entitled child daily, and complaining endlessly to the narcissistic parent about the endless abuses incurred from the golden child. Challenging the narcissist’s illusion about their ‘special’ child ends badly for the scapegoated child. They spend their entire childhood being pecked at by a psychologically dangerous child, and a psychotic parent.
This golden child represents to the narcissistic parent everything amazing they see in themselves. The narcissistic parent lives and breathes through this grandiose, omnipotent, amazing child. This is the child that will defend the narcissist to no end, battle all of the people that continue to harm the narcissist’s ego, and will prove their omnipotence to the people around them. The narcissist will shine like a star through this child.
The scapegoat child strikes blow upon blow to the narcissist’s ego when they point out that the golden child isn’t so wonderful, is floored, troubled, and mean. This creates a huge narcissistic injury in this parent, who sees everything they love about themselves in this narcissistic child.
The narcissistic parent doesn’t encourage love between the two children
There is no love here. Only pure hatred from the narcissistic golden child towards the scapegoated child. The relationship between these two children is very similar to the iconic Cain and Able tale in the bible. The narcissistic parent deliberately sets this dynamic up for their own vested interests.
This dangerous, toxic dynamic between the two children serves a purpose for the narcissist, who has deliberately pitted both children against one another.
The narcissist encourages the golden child to try to gain control over the scapegoat child. The narcissistic parent never intends to encourage love and harmony. Instead, they allow the golden child to abuse the scapegoat, and they don’t bat an eyelid. Its a hate fest, where this dynamic duo attack, and discredit the scapegoated child any chance they get.
The narcissist will share the children’s secrets with each child, paint each child as black behind each other’s backs, and will feign victimhood when the situation explodes, and the children blow up at one another. This friction between the children is just another way of gaining attention from anyone who will listen when the narcissist explains to people how they have these two terrible children who can’t get along. The narcissist will do anything for fuel, and drama. Even if it means triangulating their children.
The golden child at this stage is a fully fledged narcissist. They operated with a false self, and they believe in the illusion – that they truly are grandiose, a hero, and omnipotent. When the scapegoated child challenges the narcissistic illusion, they are pummelled, turned against, lied about, and smashed down by the narcissistic child to the narcissistic parent, who just goes along with it.
The situation by this stage is too far gone, and the relatively good-natured enabling parent can’t get the situation between the two children under control because the narcissist isn’t on the same page as them.
How does the narcissistic child treat their siblings?
The narcissistic child doesn’t love any of their siblings and treats each of them terribly. They will, however, feign kindness towards the sibling or siblings’, that they feel are easier to control, and are more compliant appliances; especially if it serves them in some way.
The golden child will use these children as porns to antagonize the scapegoated child. They will share their lollies with a more compliant child and reject the scapegoat when they ask if they too can have a lolly. They will allow the more compliant child to engage with, or play with them while informing the scapegoat that they are not invited to play. As time goes on, and the scapegoat becomes more difficult to control, the golden child will even try to brainwash the other siblings into believing that the scapegoated child is fundamentally floored and that everybody must exclude them in some way or another.
This behavior worsens in adulthood, and often results in family mobbing. The golden child and narcissistic parent are always the ringleaders in family mobbing against the scapegoat.
The golden child will rage at their siblings, laugh at them in a condescending manner; use them when they please, and reject them if they suddenly need help, support, or empathy.
However, this being said, the more compliant sibling, or siblings, will not endure the harassment that the scapegoated child endures; unless of course, they question the golden child’s control. If the second child is already the scapegoat, the golden child has no need to go after the other siblings’. They already have a punching bag.
The golden child will provoke, and provoke and provoke the scapegoat child into arguments, while never antagonizing the more compliant siblings in such a way. They will pick this child to bits. They will pick at their entire being. When they become upset and react to the abuse, they will be told that they are unhinged, unstable and crazy.
Two sets of rules for golden children and scapegoats
There are two sets of rules for the golden child and the scapegoat child. If this child rages and screams at everyone, the narcissist doesn’t move on in to protect the children from the abuse. Instead, they accept it as the norm. However, if the scapegoat loses it because they can’t tolerate the golden child’s abuse anymore, they will never hear the end of it from the narcissistic parent. They will be told they are neurotic, highly strung, and a bad person; whereas the golden child’s faults will be swept underneath the carpet as though they never happened.
They are all good, and the scapegoat is all bad.
The narcissistic child is groomed to be the narcissist’s soldier
The narcissistic parent doesn’t like anybody. Nobody will ever be good enough, and everybody who comes into contact with the narcissist is a potential scapegoat.
The narcissistic parent literally grooms the golden child into becoming their soldier. The golden child (who will do anything to be accepted in this rejecting narcissistic family system) falls victim to the narcissist’s manipulations, and believes in the narcissist’s lies told continually about potential scapegoats. The golden child is the ultimate ‘bark dog’. This child behaves as though they are at war with everyone.
The narcissistic parent lives through the golden child. They encourage the golden child to trash talk everybody that comes into the room, be on the lookout for potential scapegoats, and to judge people harshly, with no room for error. Other people’s faults become the golden child’s focus, instead of their own.
Judge judge judge.
Often this duo will be a mother and a son, a mother and her daughter, a father, and daughter, or father and son. They are best friends and will conquer the world together. If anyone challenges the system, the golden child is there with the narcissistic parent to organize the smear campaign. Sadly, the object of the smear campaign is often the family scapegoat.
Why does the golden child have it in for the scapegoat to such intensity?
This is about the golden child’s sense of entitlement. The narcissistic parent felt entitled enough to create a mini-me and taught the child early on that they are entitled to exercise complete control over the scapegoat child, and everybody else they come into contact with.
This kind of golden child becomes that narcissistic adult in the room that a lot of us have probably met – the one who must have complete control over the actions, words, thoughts, and beliefs of everybody within their environment. The scapegoat is just meant to sit down and shut-up. The golden child’s sense of entitlement will not allow this child to accept that other people have human rights to a different opinion or different ideas from them.
Pulling the golden child up on their behavior, or disagreeing with their opinion on any given topic is seen by the golden child as severely manipulative behavior by the perpetrator of such an offense (usually the scapegoat).
The narcissistic parent is completely to blame for this over exaggerated sense of grandiosity and entitlement in the golden child because this parent taught the golden child that they have complete control over everybody in their environment. The first victim under the complete control of the golden child was the scapegoat. The narcissistic parent gave the golden child this position of power over the scapegoat and set the golden child up to believe that they will have control over anybody in their space.
What happens to the scapegoat’s relationship with the golden child in adulthood?
The relationship between the scapegoat and the golden child is often so damaged that the scapegoat outwardly resents the golden child. They don’t have a problem challenging the golden child’s false self. They don’t like them, and they aren’t going to hide it, regardless of the repercussions.
This person damaged the scapegoat so badly in childhood that there is no way that the scapegoated child will mirror back to the golden child that they are grand and omnipotent. The scapegoat can’t be controlled. The scapegoat is a continued reminder to the golden child that they are truly an abuser and a dangerous person.
So what does the golden child do? They smash the mirror over and over, with the help of the narcissistic parent, until the scapegoat eventually walks out of the family.
Eventually, many narcissistic golden children ruin the scapegoat’s reputation in adult life and turn their siblings against them, as well as the enabling parent. Rigid, weak enabling family members often just go with it. The scapegoat is often so terribly shamed and humiliated by these people that they are advised by their therapist to leave the entire family.
Does anyone support the scapegoat?
It’s unlikely. There appears to be an inability for the scapegoats’ siblings, even the less narcissistically inclined siblings to empathise with the intensity of the scapegoat’s pain; because if they could empathise at all, they would stand up for their sibling, and actually ask their golden child sibling, or the narcissist, to stop abusing the scapegoat. However, most of the narcissist’s children turn a blind eye, look the other way, and allow for the scapegoated child to get pecked and pecked and pecked, until there is literally no soul left to peck at.
It often becomes a case of ‘well thank goodness it isn’t not me.’
The narcissist convinces the other siblings who fail to support their scapegoated sibling that the scapegoat is unhinged, mentally ill, and needs help with emotional regulation. The golden child also says these vile things about the scapegoat in the hope of escaping all accountability.
The scapegoat’s strength
Scapegoated individuals are strong, often creative, and intelligent. They are often the most empathetic child in the narcissistic family, which is the primary reason why they are so targeted. When they leave the narcissistic family they take these traits with them, grieve the family, heal, and begin traveling the road less traveled by family members in the narcissistic family; the road to recovery.
The scapegoat has integrity. They never back down on this integrity, and they usually go on to have very fulfilling lives. The narcissistic family members either stay united in chaos or turn on each other.
For obvious reasons, scapegoated adult children unfortunately make up a large percentage of the narcissistic abuse community. The abuse of the scapegoat is not committed solely by one perpetrator, but by many. More often than not, each member of the scapegoated child’s immediate family behaves abusively towards them in one way, or another; both, in childhood, and adulthood.
Why? Because they can. The scapegoated child has been earmarked for abuse by the narcissist. In the mind of the narcissist, the scapegoat is a fundamentally flawed individual, and a faulty appliance. They just do not understand why the scapegoat continues to challenge their authority, and won’t allow themselves to be controlled.
The scapegoated child’s siblings have been brainwashed into believing the narcissist’s faulty perception of this child. These siblings are trained by the narcissistic parent to peck peck peck at the scapegoated child, to pick them to bits, and to hold their sins under a microscope.
In all of this chaos, nobody nurtures the scapegoat. Scapegoats’ endure a horrendous amount of abuse. So much so, they often come out of the narcissistic family with a crushed spirit, and internal wounds so horrendous that they often struggle terribly in their adult life. Once all is said and done, scapegoated children almost always end up playing out the same relationship dynamic they did with their abusive parent, with narcissistic friends and narcissistic partners.
It doesn’t stop there. Once adulthood arrives, scapegoat victims almost always continue to be victimised and blamed for all of the chaos in the narcissistic family unit. More often than not, they end up being victim’s of family mobbing, are forced out of the family, and decide to go ‘No Contact’.
The narcissistic parent teaches the children early on that everything about the scapegoat is wrong, and that they are crazy. The scapegoat’s siblings subconsciously take on this false perception, and look down upon the scapegoat for the same sins they themselves engage in daily. These sins are picked to bits, and are often the presenting reason as to why a narcissistic parent, and a narcissistic golden child often will turn the entire family against the scapegoat in adulthood.
Do the adult children know the narcissist has treated the scapegoat child differently in childhood?
Yes, a lot of the time they do. It is not uncommon for adult children to clarify with the scapegoated child that they know they have been treated differently by the narcissistic parent in childhood. However, this knowledge alone doesn’t stop the same adult children from discrediting the scapegoat, and isolating them from the rest of the family.
Mind control is in full force
Mind control, and brainwashing are the tactics utilised by the narcissistic parent to turn the other siblings against the scapegoated child. The siblings engaging in this behaviour often aren’t even aware of what they are doing.
The sibling who knows
A core theme in the narcissistic abuse community is ‘the sibling who knows.’ A lot of abuse survivors claim that sometimes other siblings, or a sibling within the narcissistic family unit admits that they know that family scapegoating, bullying, and cruelty runs rampant in the family.
Scapegoated adult children often become very distressed when they realise that even the sibling who claims to have their back, often turns their back on the scapegoated adult child. To put it plain and simple, the scapegoat realises that none of the siblings’ (including the sibling who knows) have any loyalty. Its tribal mentality.
The reality of the narcissistic family unit
Unfortunately, the harsh reality about the narcissistic family unit is that every single member in the family unit is sick. That may be a hard pill to swallow – but, it is true. You won’t find consciousness in an unconscious environment. Everybody in the narcissistic environment is unconscious. This is the reason why so much abuse takes place, and siblings sell each other down the river. The survival of the fittest mentality runs rampant throughout the narcissistic family unit. Being a truth – teller is playing a moral game. People with strong morals aren’t welcome in this family.
The scapegoat child is the first to enter therapy
The scapegoated adult – child has the highest success rate out of each of the family members when it comes to becoming emotional healthy. They are usually the first to go into therapy, and the first to begin the life long journey to recovery from severe emotional abuse. However, its a catch twenty two for the scapegoat; because once they go into therapy and sort through their internal wounding, they slowly but surely begin to outgrow the family anyway, finally begin to see just how sick their entire family actually is, and are reminded just how they sick they were too, before they entered therapy and awakened. After years in therapy, the recovering scapegoat literally feels like a stranger in a foreign country when around their family.
The scapegoat awakens and suddenly realises that their is no consciousness in this family unit.
The scapegoat will never lose their role
Scapegoated adult children never lose their role that the family has bestowed upon them. It doesn’t matter how well they become, or what they achieve, they will never be good enough for this family. Their sins will always be held under a microscope, while the other family members continue to get away with murder. Eventually, the scapegoat often ends up being the victim of family mobbing, and has no choice but to go ‘No Contact’ with the entire family.
Nobody stands up for the scapegoated family member
It is more common than not that a ‘more awake sibling’ within the family unit will know about your abuse.
Will they stand up for you? Probably not.
When push comes to shove, the sibling who knows about your abuse, also knows that by standing up for you, there is a lot to lose. In an extremely malignant family system, raising your hand, and pulling up a narcissist will see you thrown out of the family. Its the name of the game. If you challenge the narcissistic illusion, the narcissist will smash the mirror, and you will have to go. So, this person is not going to stand up for you.
Very often, asking for a family member to stand up for you, to acknowledge your pain, and to validate just how serious, and life threatening ‘family mobbing’ is, is not going to happen. This is a toxic family unit, where people want what they want. If thats money, and friendship from other family members who can’t handle any criticism, or take responsibility for their behaviour, than unfortunately, your mental health is going to take a beating while you stand on the sidelines and watch your sibling, who you thought had your back, literally walk away from you once you challenge them on their inability to stand for the truth.
This sibling does not have the empathy required to put themselves in someone else’s shoes, and to at least try to identify with the scapegoat’s feelings of horror. This sibling doesn’t have the ability to even try to begin to understand what it would feel like to have your whole sense of self attacked, smeared, shamed, ostracised and trash talked. Narcissistic abuse is an attack on the spirit, the soul, and the body. A sibling in support of you would need a huge amount of empathy to feel the pain which comes from an attack on the soul. They don’t have it. They can’t do it.
Does this sibling care about me?
No. If a sibling can’t stand up for their sibling in a situation as emotionally dangerous, and disgusting as family mobbing, when they know that bullying causes suicide; than no, they don’t care about you.
There is a lot of information about the cluster B family system on the website ‘flying monkey’s denied.’ Unfortunately, this issue with siblings’ not wanting to back one another is very common. What you need to look at here is the entire family unit, and the leaders in the family unit. All of the children in your family come from the same parents. Of course this was going to happen.
This sibling is not your friend. Yes, they know what happened to you. They have probably spent hours talking to you about it, and have empathised with you – but actions speak louder than words. More often than not if the actions don’t match the words, than you may be dealing with a narcissistically inclined sibling that is just telling you what you want to hear.
They are very much a part of the scapegoating of you. They keep you in this role because of what they won’t say.
In 2001, Rose became a victim of family mobbing. She has a sibling, a younger brother, who knew just how abusive Rose’s family really was. Rose’s brother also knew months before the act of family mobbing took place, that Rose was being smeared behind her back by a narcissistic parent, and golden child sibling.
Rose’s younger brother knew that Rose had been targeted before. He had empathised with Rose before – and Rose honestly believed that he was her ally.
Rose’s golden child sibling suddenly decided that Rose should be ostracised from the family. Again, Rose’s brother knew about it; and instead of standing up for her, he decided to go to some of the family events that he knew Rose hadn’t been told about, because Rose’s golden child sibling had decided that Rose wasn’t allowed to go.
After some months, Rose’s brother walked Rose into a dangerous situation which he knew would most likely result in family mobbing. Rose was attacked verbally by her physically violent family member.
Later on down the track, Rose’s brother told her that he knew what was being planned, and he knew she was being scapegoated. It came out that he didn’t want to stand up for Rose, because he was trying to get along with everybody in the family, and to nurture those relationships. He told her that he didn’t want to become involved.
When Rose asked him if he could stand up for her, he told her directly that he didn’t want to thrown out of the family, because he was worried he’d be left out of the will. He turned the entire situation around, and told Rose that she was being controlling and self-serving. He even accused her of asking him to choose between herself and the family that had bullied her. Rose realised that her brother is not who she thought he was, and was never her ally. She describes him as more of a frenemie. Rose picked up quite quickly that her younger brother has a complete lack of empathy, and an unwillingness to recognise or identify with the needs and feelings of others.
Rose’s brother stopped talking to her after this conversation, and Rose now has no family support. Whether Rose’s brother realises it or not, he is now very much apart of Rose’s abuse – and is more karmically liable than Rose’s brainwashed siblings’ who have no idea that they have been used as pawns to attack Rose. He knows about the narcissistic family dynamics, still communicates with the family members that abused Rose as though nothing has happened – and couldn’t even have the decency enough to even stand up for his sister.
Every time he listens to the smear campaign behind Rose’s back, and refuses to correct the family members when they blame Rose for things that are not Rose’s fault – he lets Rose down, and aids the family in their abuse of Rose.
This sibling is not your friend
The scapegoated family member has to accept that this relationship is toxic as well. They won’t get anywhere here, because there is nowhere to move in a relationship when someone clearly in the wrong will not admit that they are in the wrong. It is very likely that a sibling that tells you what you want to hear, only to betray you so terribly, is narcissistic as well.
Emotionally healthy people can accept when they are wrong, have no problem admitting when they are in the wrong, and don’t see apologising to somebody as a threat to their ego.
Any person who justifies their own immoral behaviour by turning a situation around to make you wrong because you wanted them to strengthen your voice, with their voice; so as to lesson excruciating emotional pain incurred from family bullying, is a troubled person, and they can’t read their room very well.
Somebody who truly loves their sibling would not be able to hold their tongue about the abuse hurled upon their beloved sibling. They would be so furious with the abuser’s who almost pushed their sibling over the edge, that you wouldn’t be able to stop them from supporting you. Thats what true friends do. Frenemies on the other hand, don’t. The narcissistic family is full of frenemies.
The narcissistic family system is a sick family system which operates with a survival of the fittest mentality. More often than not, the most empathetic child in the family dynamic is plucked out of the coop to be the family scapegoat. The more empathetic, or caring a child is; the more distressed about the situation they are, or the more they remind the narcissist of themselves than the more likely it is that the child will be scapegoated.
Scapegoated children don’t like abusive behaviour – plain and simple. They are black and white in the way they feel about abusive behaviour. In the mind of the scapegoat, a mud pie isn’t a sandwich, and psychologically abusive behaviour cannot be reframed into a mistake that can be forgiven.
The scapegoat is the child who does the unthinkable and disagrees with the narcissist’s opinion – a big no-no in the narcissistic family system. This is the child that will speak up against the ill-treatment of the other siblings, defend the underdog, and will jump in front of the more vulnerable children to keep them safe from verbal or physical abuse. They are justice seekers and fairness warriors.
The scapegoat as a faulty appliance
The narcissist will take great offence to this act of defiance – because in their mind, people are merely appliances and extensions of themselves. Just like a toaster makes toast, (without complaining) the human appliances function is to hold the narcissist in high esteem, relinquish their ability to think freely, as well any hopes for autonomy, want for nothing, and to learn to function robotically without disagreement. The golden child most often operates as the perfect appliance (until of course they decide they will no longer be controlled), whereas the scapegoat does not. The scapegoat is a faulty appliance, and this fault must be fixed.
Conditioned human being appliances are easily programmed, and manipulated – whereas the scapegoat has a mind of their own, and they won’t enable dysfunction.The scapegoat has needs, different opinions from the narcissist – lives from a democratic perspective, and engages the narcissist in discussions about how they would like to be treated, or how they believe others should be treated. The scapegoat, (a small child or innocent teenager) doesn’t realise that by pulling the narcissist up on their vile behaviour, they are actually invoking numerous narcissistic rages within the narcissist. The narcissist is so sensitive, that any slight, no matter how small, will ignite their shame and re-engage them with their true- self; a very broken, ashamed little child.
Instead of being appreciated for being the assertive child that they are, they are instead viewed by the narcissist as an attacker. This child refuses to tell the narcissist what they want to hear. So, the narcissist smashes the mirror and smashes this child’s confidence and self-esteem apart. They are smeared and shamed to the point of no return. After what can sometimes be decades of abuse, the scapegoated child’s reputation is often completely ruined in this family unit, and they never get it back.
What happens if you become upset with the narcissist’s false self?
Narcissists’ cannot tolerate any criticism, do not want to change, and will try and bring down anybody who asks them to make changes. Narcissists cannot change, because they are in fact controlled by a false self (the true self’s damaged inner child’s protector from pain, harm and humiliation). In the mind of the false self, it is you who should change. The false self is not a real person. It refuses to be accountable, refuses to apologise, can’t love truly or deeply, and must have total control over every aspect of every human being within their environment. If anybody upsets, or challenges the false self, (which the scapegoated child does repeatedly) then they become a threat to the narcissist’s delusions. All narcissist’s fear exposure. In my opinion, I believe this is the number one reason why the scapegoat is so abused. Just like the narcissist knows they are a fake, so does the scapegoat child.
A totalitarian cult-like family system
This is a totalitarian cult-like family system. Children who challenge the cult leader’s beliefs will be emotionally pummelled. In this family system, children are not allowed to grow into autonomous, authentic human beings. Their childhood is instead spent keeping the narcissist happy, feeling grand, wonderful, and omnipotent. The child working towards appropriate boundary function within an extremely malignant narcissistic family system will be denounced and viewed as a critical, troubled child.
It becomes a case of the canary in the coal mine syndrome. The scapegoat just will not stop challenging the narcissist’s control, and trying to alert everybody to the façade being accepted by the narcissist’s enablers. This is actually normal behaviour in any healthy family. However, the scapegoat’s tenacity creates major conflict between the narcissist and the scapegoat.
The other children know that it is best to just be quiet. They know that standing up will lead to them being scapegoated – so they very rarely do it. Whereas the scapegoat won’t be quiet about the chronic disrespect that they or the other children receive from the narcissist.
The scapegoat child’s assertiveness
In a healthy family, the scapegoated child’s assertive nature would be encouraged, valued and nurtured. However, in the narcissistic family set up, assertiveness is viewed as a criticism to the narcissist. The narcissistic family set up is not about what is best for the child’s emotional growth. It is instead about what is best for the narcissist’s fragile ego – which is to protect their true self from continuous narcissistic injuries. To do this, the narcissist must have complete control over the appliances in the room. All appliances must relinquish their right to their own sense of self, and become completely enmeshed with the narcissist.
How does the narcissist view the scapegoated child’s continued correction?
The older the scapegoat child becomes, the more autonomous they become. This becomes very problematic for the narcissist, and it is the undoing of the scapegoated child. What the scapegoated child doesn’t realise is that their quest for autonomy is taking place in an environment where human rights and autonomy are not welcome. They don’t know this; they’re just a child.
By the time the scapegoat becomes a teenager, they know are who they are. They are a truth teller, they want their needs met, they care about the people the narcissist is hurting, and they absolutely cannot stand the narcissist’s abusive behaviour. The scapegoated child often unintentionally overcorrects the narcissist on the unfair treatment dished out to them and other family members. They pull the narcissist up on lots of different issues within the family and call a spade a spade. They openly suggest that there is something wrong with the family unit.
As a payback, and to divert from their own behaviour, the narcissist hones in on the scapegoat child’s faults. They critique their every move and excessively judges the scapegoat’s behaviour. They particularly focus on any normal, but negative emotional reactions by the scapegoat. Any healthy anger or discontent shown by the scapegoat is used against them. In overly focusing on the scapegoat, the narcissist shifts the families focus over to the scapegoat. In doing so, the narcissist destroys their teenage child’s reputation and turns the other family members against them.
‘If I can brainwash you, and everybody around you into believing you are bad, you will work even harder to please me; and I will have complete control over you.’
The consequences of asking for accountability
The narcissist is never wrong, and you are at fault for their behaviour towards you. The person questioning the narcissist’s authority is indeed wrong, crazy, neurotic, mad, unhinged for reacting to the narcissist’s abuse, and mentally unwell because they dared expose the narcissist’s floors.
In healthy families, a parent with good self-esteem would be able to apologise and accept wrongdoing. In the narcissistic family, the scapegoat is smeared, and brainwashed into believing they are the problem.
Reactions to the narcissist’s abuse from the scapegoat will be used by the narcissist as an excuse to play the victim, to garner sympathy by the narcissist from onlookers, and to gain excessive amounts of narcissistic supply.
”Oh, look at me, I have such bad children.’
Everything is the scapegoat’s fault
Once the narcissist establishes that the scapegoated child is a threat, the narcissist will begin to blame the scapegoat for all of the problems in the family unit. Not only is the scapegoat blamed for the narcissist’s bad behaviour, but they are also blamed for the other siblings’ bad behaviour. This redirects and deflects blame from the narcissist, or an angry entitled narcissistic golden child, and back onto the scapegoat.
If one child becomes angry about something, this is ok in the narcissist’s eyes. However, if the scapegoat is upset about something – the narcissist will claim that this child has emotional regulation issues, or that they’re like crazy aunty Betty who abused all of her children. There are now two sets of rules, and two sets of standards in the narcissistic household. If the golden child smacks the scapegoat, the narcissist will deem that as acceptable behaviour, and warranted because the scapegoat deserved it. If the scapegoat does the same thing to the golden child in retaliation, they’re crazy, bad, and punished way too harshly.
The children learn from an early age that they can peck at the scapegoat as much as they like, and the narcissist will support them in their relentless behaviour. The narcissist will never intervene and stop the pecking. Instead, when the scapegoat stands up for themselves or asks for validation from the narcissist, they will be told that they are just as much to blame for the abuse hurled upon them.
The other children begin to realise rather quickly that the scapegoat is the fall guy in the family. This paves the way for family mobbing and scapegoating, which often endures well into adulthood, until the day the scapegoat decides to go no contact.
The scapegoat as crazy
Perpetrators always paint a potential threat as crazy. Its how they manipulate the situation in order to deflect and divert from their terrible behaviour. The narcissist is the master of deflection, and blame shifting. From a young age, the scapegoat is trained to look internally at their every fault, to over-correct their own behaviour, to accept that in every given situation they are wrong, crazy, deranged and dysfunctional. This use of mind control and deflection takes the heat off the narcissist, who now has the scapegoat over analysing themselves, and wondering if they truly are crazy.
Scapegoats are trained to believe they are at fault for every single thing that goes wrong in their family. They often live their lives blaming themselves for all of the problems in their interpersonal relationships – and by doing so, allow other people to get away with murder. Hence, why they often end up in abusive relationships and look towards their own reactions to abuse as the problem, not the abuser’s behaviour.
Their ability to assert themselves in adulthood has been crushed in childhood. They no longer have the confidence to assert their rights. Their self-esteem is destroyed, they must not make waves, and they simply lose strength. This perception that they, the scapegoat is crazy and should not ever defend their rights, may sit deeply within themselves for their entire life; or at least until they leave the narcissistic family. They eventually become voiceless in this family unit, and in many other areas of their lives.
However, despite the fact that they are seen by their family as the crazy one, the scapegoat never loses their truth-telling capacity, and when push comes to shove they will fight back.
What I find most interesting about the scapegoat’s role, is the role the other family members play in supporting the narcissist’s lie. It amazes how easily corrupted this family is by the narcissist’s manipulations. All it takes is one person to convey the scapegoat in a bad light, before all of the family members happily get on the bandwagon, take on the narcissist’s perception of the scapegoated child, and make it their own. Scapegoating another human being is the ultimate deflection and distraction from another person’s shortcomings.
The scapegoat: set up to react
In normal households, emotional reactions by a very distressed child to nasty behaviour from an annoying sibling are not deemed as the actions of a crazy person. Instead, healthy parents speak to the provoking sibling about their tendency to provoke and inform them of the consequences of being a stirrer.
The narcissistic family system is topsy-turvy. Provoking behaviour is not seen as the problematic crazy-making behaviour that it truly is – whereas standing up for yourself, or becoming distressed by the narcissist’s crazy making behaviour, is viewed as the behaviour of a troubled person who can’t let things go.
In the narcissistic family, poking at the scapegoat until they explode is a team sport, aided and abetted by the narcissist. The narcissist wants the child to explode. It is a set up to keep them under control, and seen in a poor light as an over-reactive child, with emotional regulation problems. When the child gets upset, the narcissistic parent may tell the child they’re crazy, that they remind the narcissist of a mentally ill family member, or that they need help. The terribly sad reality here is that the child has no idea they are being baited for reactions by the narcissist, all for one reason and one reason only; to enhance the families’ negative perception of the scapegoat.
This behaviour often puts the scapegoat in a position where they feel as though they are constantly in fight mode or even flight mode.
When the scapegoat is doing well and succeeding, the narcissistic parent ups the anti, and antagonises the scapegoat into reacting hysterically even more. This negative fuel that the scapegoat provides the narcissist with, provides all the evidence the family needs to prove that the scapegoat is again, crazy. This doesn’t stop in childhood. The rest of the children cotton on to the reality that they too can rile up the scapegoat, and will often taunt the scapegoat well into adulthood.
In adulthood, family mobbing will prevail, and it is often a narcissistic golden child and narcissistic parent who will encourage the other siblings to reject and ostracise the scapegoat on the premise that they are apparently too volatile.
The narcissistic parent and a narcissistic golden child will continually provoke and provoke and provoke the scapegoat into exploding. Scapegoated children are often told that they are bad, evil, will end up in gaol, and are like terrible inhumane people that the narcissist knows. The whole idea here is to get a reaction out of the scapegoat. The scapegoat reacts with anger and hysteria because they aren’t the person that they are being told they are. However, these reactions to the abuse enhance the other family members negative perception of the scapegoat, and cement in their minds that the scapegoat is unstable.
It amazes me how many enabling parent’s and siblings just go along with, believe in the lie, and have unrealistic expectations of somebody who is being prodded and prodded and prodded to react.
The narcissist uses mind control to brainwash the scapegoat, and all of the scapegoat’s family members into believing that the scapegoat is a highly reactive, mentally deranged, dysfunctional, bad human being. When, in actual fact, the narcissist has set the scapegoat up to fail. This sense of failure continues well into the scapegoat’s adult life when they naturally gravitate towards narcissistic partner’s and friends, who use the same techniques that the narcissistic parent did to scapegoat the family scapegoat.
Where the narcissist goes wrong
The narcissist actually makes a very big mistake in deeming the scapegoat crazy. In the narcissist’s mind they believe that if they shame the scapegoat enough, the scapegoat will stop trying to reach a place of accountability, and accept the scapegoat role given to them (that they are bad). This doesn’t work with all scapegoats.
Usually, the scapegoat is the first family member to enter therapy. This is when the scapegoat will put two and two together, and then the narcissist will begin to unravel. Eventually, the scapegoat sees straight through the abuse, realises that they aren’t the crazy one and that they have been the victim of serious psychological abuse.
The narcissist doesn’t really think through the unconscious decision to scapegoat this child. If you think about logically, it doesn’t make sense to scapegoat a highly empathetic child with a penchant for the truth. One would think that excessively psychologically abusing somebody would eventually lead to the exposure of a narcissist.
The narcissist’s psychological abuse of the scapegoat and the ruining of the scapegoat’s reputation will more often than not lead the scapegoat to expose them. The scapegoat may expose numerous abuses to an enabling parent, the department of community services, the extended family, or the police. Some scapegoats’ expose the abuse to redeem their reputation and to warn others about the danger of the narcissist.
However, once the scapegoat exposes the abuse, the bullying from the narcissist worsens. This is often when family mobbing eventuates. This often results in the scapegoat leaving their entire family behind them and finding a new one, filled with beautiful, emotionally healthy, supportive friends.
Time and time again I hear about yet another broken down adult sibling relationship. The story goes something like this -one of the sibling’s is a serial bully, who continues to verbally, and psychologically abuse the other sibling. The bullied siblings doesn’t, and has never felt supported by their parents’ in relation to the bullying problem. Some adult siblings’ ride it out, and put up with the snide comments, goading, bullying, disparaging remarks, and bouts of rage from their troubled sibling, to keep the family in tact; while others just jump ship, and forgo the relationship because of the obvious power imbalance.
Endings vary. Adult bullied siblings’ often go out with a bang, and finally give in to what has been years of abuse, with a huge emotional reaction. Some siblings’ will assertively tell their sibling that they won’t be bullied anymore – while others simply emotionally and physically distance themselves without really saying anything. All in all, the cord has been cut, a line has been drawn in the sand, and the less troubled sibling has thrown in the towel. Enough is enough.
Either way, the ending of the sisterhood, brotherhood, or sister and brotherhood can be devastating. Sibling to sibling psychological abuse is not limited to gender, and is far more prevalent than what we realise.
So, why did it come to this?
What do adult children with a bullying sibling say?
Adult children with a bully for a sibling often claim that their parents’ were not present people acting with their best interests at heart. They instead were lazy in their parenting, and allowed one child to get away with murder.
Bullied siblings’ with a narcissistic parent often claim that the parent or parents’ of their fully fledged bullying golden child adult sibling, were in denial about the red flags, and are still in denial about the problem well into adulthood. In this child’s eyes, the golden child was given a position of power over the bullied sibling, which should not have been handed over to the child. A lot of bullied children feel invalidated, and as though their voice was stolen by their parents’ and their siblings’. Bullied children are often told by uninvolved parents’ that they need to grow a tougher skin, and these parent’s constantly claim that both children are at fault for the constant conflict.
How does a personality disordered parent fuel the fire? ‘You target, are just as much to blame.’
Sometimes parents’ with serious mental health issues, who have a tendency to victim blame, will shame a bullied child by blaming them for the abuse hurled upon them by an often older, more aggressive sibling.
It becomes a case of ‘well your both fighting, so it must be both of you.’
This just makes a bullied child furious because they aren’t being listened to or validated.
This parent doesn’t want to deal with the problem, and refuses to discipline their serial bullying child. Blame and deflection onto the bullied child (who is often being constantly provoked, controlled and manipulated by a psycho bully sibling) is extremely painful to deal with for this child.
There is an obvious power imbalance between the siblings’ in these circumstances. Not only are the deeds of the bully often overlooked – but, the bullied sibling is manipulated into believing that they need to change something about themselves in order for the problem to be fixed.
Bullied siblings’ whose voices are being invalidated, feel as though they are drowning in emotion because nobody is listening to them. This child is damned if they do and damned if they don’t. If they don’t stand up for themselves, they are bullied more, and if they do stand up for themselves, they are told by their parent to let it go, ignore it, and that they are part of the problem because of their obvious sensitivity and retaliative behaviour.
This is victim shaming and blaming. It is never ok, and it is how monster’s are created. The bullied child is being told by their parent in a round about way that they are responsible for their own pain, and that their pain is not important to them.
A highly reactive child is often a continually bullied child who feels powerless to help themselves. In this family system, the reaction to the bullying is seen by the parent as just as much of a failure on the part of the victim, instead of a normal reaction to what is could sometimes be described as psychopathic abuse.
What happens when a parent doesn’t intervene? Talking to a brick wall – oh the toxicity
A lack of parental intervention creates a toxic situation between the bullied child, and the bully.
The bullied child comes to accept that their mental health, and physical well-being does not matter to the parent. Well into adult- hood bullied siblings often feel hurt, dismissed by the parent, and emotionally rejected. This parent does not have their back, and they know it. They haven’t been validated, and the bullied sibling often ends up hating and resenting their psycho bully sibling as a result.
The consequences of the parent’s inability
The consequences of the parent’s inability to appropriately promote healthy sibling relationships affects both children in this unhealthy dynamic. The parent refusing to hold the perpetrator accountable, can often lead to the creation of a very entitled cruel sibling, who thinks that their behaviour is ok, acceptable, and should be tolerated. If a bully for a sibling is not corrected on their vile behaviour by their parent’s, then the bully will always believe their behaviour is ok. This adult child cannot understand why other people feel alienated by them, and probably never will, unless of course they enter therapy sessions.
The bullied child feels unloved, unappreciated, and devalued on every level. This can lead to feelings of deep seated anger towards the parent and the sibling. This is where the situation becomes toxic.
A lazy approach to parenting
This is lazy parenting, and self – consumed parenting at its best. Some parents’ either don’t want to take the time to get to the bottom of the problem, or they simply can’t due to being consumed by their own problems. Mental health problems can play a big part in uninvolved parenting.
The fall out with the bullying child in return for accountability is often too much to handle for this parent. So, the invalidation of the bullied child is a much easier, less exhausting approach for the uninvolved parent.
Whats normal and whats not?
Sibling rivalry as normal: Sibling rivalry is the jealousy, competition and fighting between brothers’ and sisters’. It is a concern for almost all parents with two or more children. Sibling rivalry usually begins after the birth of the second child, and is existent right throughout childhood. It is common for brothers’ and sisters’ to fight, and it is also very common for all siblings’ to swing back and forth between either loving or completely detesting one another.
Unique personalities play a huge role in how siblings’ get along.
Abnormal sibling behaviour: It is not normal for any child to just hate their sibling, and never rotate between love, and annoyance. It is not normal when a sibling has a problem with everyone they have intimate relationships with. A parent knows they have a problem between both siblings when one child openly shows complete disdain for a more challenging sibling with different opinions from the bullying child, yet seems to like a less opinionated sibling. These issues could present a big psychological problem.
The psychological effect of sibling to sibling bullying on the targeted child
Sibling to sibling psychological abuse leaves permanent scarring. Sometimes, sibling to sibling physical and psychological abuse can be so intense, that this perceived hatred from one sibling to the next can cause life lasting damage to the bullied child or children; some of it irreparable.
Abuse not dealt with can manifest as anxiety, fear, depression, C-PTSD, and self- hatred.
The parent’s job is to delve deeper into perceived problems between siblings’, to come up with strategies to enable both children to get a long, and to intervene. Failure to do this can lead to poor self esteem in the bullied child, and a strained relationship with the parent who didn’t have their back.
Another child’s hatred of their sibling will inevitably leave everlasting affects.
Depending on the strain of narcissist, be they sociopathic, psychopathic, or just extremely malignant in their narcissism, a narcissistic ex can be extremely difficult to get away from – and even more difficult to co-parent with if they decide that their ex-partner is still an excellent fuel source.
Some narcissist’s sail off into the sunset, and want little to do with their ex and the children, whilst other narcissists’ behave as though they will melt into the earth itself, if they can no longer manipulate their ex into re-instating themselves as their narcissist’s primary source of supply.
Some weeks ago I stumbled upon the blog of a self-proclaimed narcissist, and sociopath – HG Tudor. After reading Tudor’s assessment of the narcissist’s relationship with their children, I now know that my assumptions made previously about the psychopath, sociopath, or narcissist’s relationship with the children, were right on the money.
The psychopath’s co-parenting relationship with their ex is not latched onto by the psychopath because the psychopath loves the children. Instead, the psychopath latches onto the co-parenting relationship with their ex for the sake of the fuel which can be extracted from the non-narcissistic parent because of the co-parenting relationship.
”Think of all of the possibilities a co-parenting relationship can provide for a born trouble maker. Hmmm, such a feeding ground.”
Malignant narcissists’ are parasitical in nature, and literally extract fuel from the people around them to feel uplifted, superior, grandiose, and free from emptiness.
Children are only extensions of the narcissist, and are often used in the co-parenting situation to antagonise the other parent, and to gain fuel from the parentally alienated parent through sadistic means.
The extremely malignant narcissist has very little interest in the children, if any. This breed of narcissist will agree to take the children overnight for three reasons.
For the more psychopathically inclined narcissist with weekend visitation, visiting the children is not actually about seeing the children at all. In fact, weekend visitation is actually about re-visiting the person whom was once the narcissist’s most conscientious and capable fuel supply. This person is the mouse that got away from the cat.
The narcissist will use the co-parenting situation as an opportunity to:
The psychopathic narcissist has no shame
It doesn’t matter how many times the psychopath is rejected by their ex, they will still use every opportunity possible relative to the co-parenting situation, to manipulate the non-narcissistic parent into spending time with them.
The best option for the non-narcissistic parent in regard to changeover?
It is extremely time consuming dealing with a psychopathic ex. The best option for the non-narcissistic parent in regard to changeover is to get a family member or friend to change the children over. Changeover with a psychopath hell bent on spending time with a non-narcissistic parent, provoking the other parent, or extracting fuel will never work. In the mind of the psychopath, a previous fuel source in a room with them for any amount of time is simply a sparkly object to be hoovered, and to extract fuel from.
Harassment from a narcissist
The psychopath whom is determined to spend time with their ex non- narcissist believes they own them. This is the ex that begs the non-narcissistic parent to get back together with them again and again, over and over again (hundreds of times), no matter how many times the non-narcissist has informed the narcissistic individual that this is just never going to happen.
What happens during changeover?
The narcissist will hit the non-narcissist up for support, begging them to hang out with them while they take the children out, claiming they need their support for any number of reasons. The narcissist will invite the parent to endless events, changeover after changeover, and may even turn up to the other parent’s favourite hang out or coffee shop with the children, sit down opposite the non-narcissistic parent, and order themselves a coffee during visitation with their children. At every opportunity the psychopathic narcissist will also quiz the non-narcissistic parent about their private sexual affairs.
The psychopathic narcissist will most definitely invite themselves into their ex partner’s home during changeover, and will use any excuse to come into the household, including the excuse that they need to use the toilet. Next thing the ex-partner knows is that their narcissist is switching the kettle on, pulling out two cups from the cupboard, and is asking their ex if they still take their tea or coffee the same way they used to.
This stream of narcissist will not take no for an answer, and will beg and beg and beg to spend time with the other parent, until of course, the non-narcissistic parent puts a stop to it. If the information coming from the object of interests mouth doesn’t align with what the psychopath wants and needs, than the information does not become processed by the psychopath’s brain.
What happens when the narcissist is asked to leave the ex partner’s home?
If the narcissist is asked to leave the non-narcissistic parent’s home, than the narcissist will inevitably make a big scene, try to turn the children against the other parent as they walk out the door, blame the non-narcissistic parent for the altercation that has taken place, and will bag them out to the kids all day long, convincing the children that they are not a bully, and that mummy or daddy should be nicer to them.
Question: How long can this behaviour from the psychopath go on for?
Answer: This behaviour can go on for years. The psychopathic narcissist does not take no for answer.
The obsessed narcissistic parent will stalk their ex, harass them, call them endlessly for no particular reason, and in time, things may get so bad, or so emotionally overwhelming, that changeovers may need to be done at the police station. And, yes, the non-narcissistic parent will be punished for cutting off contact, and for not allowing the narcissist to pick the children up from their home anymore.
What does the narcissistic parent do to pay the non-narcissistic back for cutting contact?
Why are they doing this to you? They own you! In the malignant narcissist’s mind you are an extension of them, and you must never try to get away. If you do, there will be hell to pay. If you get a partner early on in the piece there will be even more hell to pay.
Will they always taunt me?
Yes, the narcissistic parent will always taunt the non-narcissistic parent to some degree. As the years go by the incidents may become few and far between; yet, every now and again, the narcissist will drop a nasty emotional bomb on their non-narcissistic ex, just so as they can visualise from a distance the emotional effect their revenge is having on them. Behaving abusively from a distance is still fuel to be extracted in the narcissistic parent’s mind.
The end result? If the non-narcissistic parent (whom may well be suffering from PTSD by the time the narcissist backs off) weathers the storm throughout this particularly frightening time in their lives, and refuses to be the narcissistic parent’s fuel supply, the narcissist will eventually tire of trying to manipulate, and guilt the non-narcissistic parent into reinstating themselves as the narcissist’s primary fuel source.
It is a long emotional ride for the non-narcissistic parent. However, if the non-narcissistic parent stands their ground, and refuses to engage with the narcissist as much as they possibly can, the narcissist will eventually begin to lose interest in the co-parenting relationship, and the children themselves, which may be the best outcome for everybody involved.
If the non-narcissistic parent batons down the hatches, the narcissist will have no other choice but to find fuel elsewhere.
Up until today I was none the wiser about ‘narcissistic abuse awareness day.’ The official day is June 1st 2017 – and in all honesty I am very excited about this upcoming online event. The message is finally getting out there that narcissistic, sociopathic, and psychopathic abuse is a very real epidemic. Finally, after years of confusion, cognitive dissonance, and mind control, the narcissistically abused adult child (child of a lie) can come together for this online event, with other adult children of narcissists’, and feel acknowledged for what was a total mind screw of a childhood.
Narcissistically abused children live in an emotional torture chamber with a very sick parent whom, unfortunately cannot love them. They are picked to bits, either loved or hated, (depending on the narcissist’s agenda) often triangulated against by the entire immediate family for the smallest of slights, loved based on conditions, and are used by the narcissist to create the drama the narcissistic parent so desperately desires.
The psyche of a narcissistically abused child is extremely damaged. The child’s birth right to a self assured sense of self is stolen from them in childhood to suit the narcissist, who is on a quest for complete control over the child. The loss to the child because of one person’s selfishness is huge.
Narcissistic abuse is an issue which I am extremely passionate about. Narcissistic, sociopathic, and psychopathic abuse destroys lives, the soul, and the psyches of small children, whom are forced to endure their childhoods in an emotional torture chamber.
The uphill battle the narcissistically abused adult child goes through to recover from this extreme form of childhood abuse, (if they wish to embark on the journey) is an internal journey that I honestly believe one cannot describe to the intensity that this frighteningly painful journey deserves to be described. I am yet to read an excerpt written by a narcissistically abused adult child which explains in perfect wording the internal devastation, and emotional blocks or barriers which continue to crop up in the narcissistically abused adult child’s life on a day to day to basis; all because of over exposure to a really crazy person.
These fractured souls are worth fighting for, which is why it is important to continue to bring awareness to the people around us who are still completely unaware of narcissism itself, and the harsh realities surrounding it.
The emotional wounds deeply embedded in ones psyche because of narcissism are triggered by the world each and every day. If one could see these wounds, the body would be battered.
Narcissism is an under – acknowledged, quite often, dumbed down term for a lot of people; who do not understand the extent, or danger of narcissism. Narcissism is instead a diagnosis only searched out by abuse sufferers, whom are in desperate need of some relief from a crazy situation that they just do not understand, or blame themselves for, until of course they stumble across the term ‘narcissism’.
Psychological abuse – it can’t be proven
The biggest issue I have with psychological abuse is that it can’t be proven. In fact, a psychopath with an emulated false self is so dangerous and manipulative that they often have the ability to fool everybody around them, including the department of community services. Lawyers, doctors, social services, and easily manipulated psychologists don’t always see through this parental alienating, child abusing adult.
When I look back on my own experiences in regard to narcissism, I now believe that narcissism, or a person with ‘a screw loose’ can be noticed in the first couple of conversations with the narcissistic individual, regardless of whether or not they charm the pants off you. You just need to know what to look for, which of course a lot of people don’t.
Instead of overlooking that deep gut feeling, (which I’m sure psychologists and lawyers do) and falling prey to an emulated false self, psychological abuse situations including children need to be more thoroughly assessed by social services. It is this lack of psychological investigation, and apparent lack of proof that leaves so many children unsaved, and living in an emotional torture chamber. What urks me the most is that teachers, and other parents can see, even if they can’t exactly put their finger on the problem within the child at the time, that there is just something not right about the narcissistically abused child.
Question: And what do people say when they find out twenty years too late that their friend, co-worker, family member, or client is a psychopath?
Answer: ‘But he just seemed like such a nice guy’. Or, ‘She just seemed like such a lovely lady.’
Just because a parent has a solid career, dresses nicely, behaves politely, and puts food on the table does not mean that they are psychologically fit to be a parent.
What happens to the narcissistically abused child in adulthood?
For the extremely psychologically abused adult child of a narcissist, it is often not until adult – hood that the victim may choose to look deeply beneath the surface at their emotional wounds; the wounds that the world itself triggers each and everyday. Unfortunately, the prognosis is not good for these adult children. They often end up in therapy, and may even be diagnosed with a personality disorder themselves. The most common conditions suffered by adult children whom have been over exposed to narcissism is Post traumatic stress disorder, or Complex Post traumatic stress disorder. PTSD can often result in avoidant type personality problems.
Children with a narcissistic parent are also at a much higher risk of becoming involved in deeply intimate friendships or physical relationships with narcissistic individuals later on in life because this is all the adult child of a narcissist knows.
Children of narcissist’s live with a sense of brokenness that only children of narcissist’s would understand. They are often jumpy, filled with anxiety, on edge, afraid of confrontation, and the world itself.
A life lived with a broken psyche cannot be described, the internal state of a broken psyche cannot be described, mental anguish cannot be described, hyper-sensitivity cannot be described, feelings of hopelessness, a lack of confidence, a voice lost, and broken dreams squashed by emotional trauma, cannot always be described as explicitly as these emotional wounds are felt. However, if we could see the internal wounds as wounds on the body itself, than maybe children enduring psychological abuse would receive more support. Maybe than the ‘Department Of Community Services’, and the family law courts would finally begin to understand the detrimental, life lasting effects of psychological abuse; and would actually persevere in doing their very best to keep small children safe from psychologically dangerous parents’.
‘If only my wounds were visible,’ is the hashtag for ‘narcissistic abuse awareness day, and I would like to encourage anybody and everybody to show your support for narcissistically abused children by placing a twibbon on your facebook profile. You can find out moe information about this day of validation at www.wnaad.com.
Projection: What is it? Psychological projection is a theory in psychology in which humans defend themselves against their own deeply ingrained impulses or qualities (both positive or negative) by denying the behaviours exist within themselves, while attributing them to other people. For example, a person who feels bad about themselves may accuse other people of being bad. Or an angry ex prone to stalking, may tell friends and family that they have to leave town because their emotionally healthy partner will stalk them if they stay. In actual fact, the narcissist is the stalker and has moved away so as not to give into his or her own temptations to stalk the ex partner.
Projecting onto children
Projecting a parent’s own deeply ingrained behaviour, or thoughts about self, onto a small child is one of the most disgusting things an adult can do. The parent who does this treats their child as an extension of themselves, and has poor boundaries. Devaluing phrases, projections of self onto a child, or constant criticism in childhood creates a false sense of self within the child – a bad, defective sense of self. Projection can be the difference between a successful or an unsuccessful life, a drug addicted young adult who is self-medicating to heal the pain of shame, and an adult whom is confident, self assured and can handle the things life throws at them.
Lives can be destroyed because of projection, and it is not unusual to read in the news that yet another bullied teenager has committed suicide, all because a pack of children projected their shortcomings onto somebody else. Narcissism is dangerous, bullying is dangerous, and projection can end lives.
Projection as an insidious form of rejection
A child is a canvas, and the adults’ in that child’s life are contributing to the state of their child’s psyche (the artwork) through their perception of the child, which will become accepted by the child as the child’s reality of who they are. Like paint, comments stick, and ruminate deeply within the psyche. These comments will either enhance the soul, and help the child grow into an emotionally healthy adult, or, these comments will eat away at the child’s soul like termites to a house.
Projection is rejection- and projection and rejection create shame. The narcissist is an angry volatile person, who can’t handle their own shame. So they accuse other people of being exactly like they are, in an effort to feel better about themselves when feeling inadequate.
What happens to the child’s reality?
The narcissist becomes the child’s reality of who they are, and the narcissist’s reality of who is the child is, is incorrect, because what the child doesn’t know, and won’t realise until adulthood is that the narcissist is crazy. So, the child accepts the narcissist’s reality of who they are. This false persona that they’ve accepted as belonging to them, affects their decision making, their ability to be assertive, their choice of friends, and often results in chronic hyper vigilance.
The story of a scapegoated child:
I have heard many tragic stories about the detrimental affects of projection from many an emotionally destroyed scapegoat. Recently, a very close friend of mine confided in me about her experience with projection from her narcissistic caregiver. My friend was told ridiculous lies about herself, and believed up until the age of 24 (up until she entered therapy) that she was dirty, evil, would push everybody away in her adult life, and was doomed to become exactly like the narcissistic parent’s vile caregivers.
Her narcissist still believes that she is a bad seed. These beliefs were the catalyst for years of suicidal thoughts, feelings of self-hatred, and deliberate isolation from friends and prospective partners through an innate fear that she was evil.
The above accusations absolutely destroyed this adult child, whom of course succumbed to drug use in adulthood, and acted out on the badness projected onto her.
The above example is a classic example of projection. The narcissist in this scenario was renowned for creating havoc in their own relationships, and projected their faults onto their own child, by predicting that their child would push everybody away in their adult life, by becoming a rendition of the narcissist’s defective caregivers.
”If I can convince you that you are like me, I will feel better about myself. And, if I can convince you that you are bad, you will do as I please.’
Common projections onto children of narcissists:
What is the problem with projection?
Children are sponges for information, and they require the approval of the adults around them. When they’re disapproved of, they persist and try to please the parent, to gain their approval. The adult is the child’s reality, and the adult’s perception of the child also becomes the child’s reality. If the parent projects negative traits onto a child, than the child ends up with a deep open wound filled with shame.
A child told that they are an angry person, will most likely suppress their anger, will see anger as a negative emotion, and will learn not to express anger. They may even stuff their anger, and could very well become passive aggressive as a result.
A child told that they are bad will believe that they are bad, and will most likely act out on that deep seated feeling of badness.
Instead of going to uni, getting a great job, and attracting lovely partners, the child projected onto loses themselves in their shame, in their self hatred, and in their pain, which can either temporarily, or permanently hold them back, sometimes for their entire life.